Raz
Bluelighter
It wasn't a special day.
It wasn't your birthday or the anniversary of your death or anything like that, it was just another day without your voice and your hug, and after last night it got a bit hard. I spent last night telling new friends about my mother, about what a beautiful person she was, and the relationship we shared which was closer than anything else I'll ever know. And I started thinking about you again when I woke up.
I always think about you, somewhere. Sometimes it's with a tinge of bitterness because I realise that I've lost more than a lot of people my age, and fuck it, it isn't fair. Most times it's with fondness and a smile on the inside or outside because I credit you with being the person who taught me more than anyone about the value and the necessity of compassion. These days it's not often with that all-encompassing sadness, because I do know that you're better off this way. I know that where it matters you're with me, and I know that we'll be together again before too long in the greater scheme of things. But sometimes...
Sometimes there is that grief that washes over me like an angry tide. It refuses to subside, and every time I try to pull myself together I want to be your baby again and I want you to make it all better and my heart breaks fresh because I know it'll never ever happen while I'm alive.
I know that this lesson is a lesson I'll be learning every day for the rest of my life, this lesson on loss and humanity that never ceases to find new ways to make itself relevant...and never ceases to hurt when I forget to keep the defences up.
There aren't words, there aren't ideas that I can put across which describe it. There isn't a way for me to say what this loss feels like, I could try a million times in a million different ways, and nothing will ever convey what I am not without you.
I love you, Mum. I miss you. I'm choking back tears writing this, and in a way I'm glad. I know you're proud of who and what I have become, and as much as I know I still have lessons to learn, I'm proud too. It's been a hard four years, and I came through it because I'm strong, but I got that strength from you. I learned everything I know about loving the world from you. And I do accept where the universe has taken us, I know you went because it was right for you to go. No regrets.
Still, there are days...there are days and nights when I'd give it all up just to see you one more time. Just to be your baby one more time.
I love you.
It wasn't your birthday or the anniversary of your death or anything like that, it was just another day without your voice and your hug, and after last night it got a bit hard. I spent last night telling new friends about my mother, about what a beautiful person she was, and the relationship we shared which was closer than anything else I'll ever know. And I started thinking about you again when I woke up.
I always think about you, somewhere. Sometimes it's with a tinge of bitterness because I realise that I've lost more than a lot of people my age, and fuck it, it isn't fair. Most times it's with fondness and a smile on the inside or outside because I credit you with being the person who taught me more than anyone about the value and the necessity of compassion. These days it's not often with that all-encompassing sadness, because I do know that you're better off this way. I know that where it matters you're with me, and I know that we'll be together again before too long in the greater scheme of things. But sometimes...
Sometimes there is that grief that washes over me like an angry tide. It refuses to subside, and every time I try to pull myself together I want to be your baby again and I want you to make it all better and my heart breaks fresh because I know it'll never ever happen while I'm alive.
I know that this lesson is a lesson I'll be learning every day for the rest of my life, this lesson on loss and humanity that never ceases to find new ways to make itself relevant...and never ceases to hurt when I forget to keep the defences up.
There aren't words, there aren't ideas that I can put across which describe it. There isn't a way for me to say what this loss feels like, I could try a million times in a million different ways, and nothing will ever convey what I am not without you.
I love you, Mum. I miss you. I'm choking back tears writing this, and in a way I'm glad. I know you're proud of who and what I have become, and as much as I know I still have lessons to learn, I'm proud too. It's been a hard four years, and I came through it because I'm strong, but I got that strength from you. I learned everything I know about loving the world from you. And I do accept where the universe has taken us, I know you went because it was right for you to go. No regrets.
Still, there are days...there are days and nights when I'd give it all up just to see you one more time. Just to be your baby one more time.
I love you.
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![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
