HOLY SHIIIIIIIIT! REMEMBER HOW MY RECORD USED TO BE 34 ORGASMS IN 2 HOURS?!?! I FUCKING BEAT IT AGAIN!
It all started today when I noticed I was incredibly pissed off at the world; whether it be because I was having a methamphetamine phantom high, or because I had come down from taking ecstasy, or because my boyfriend was ignoring me (yea that's right, again!), I was just PISSED. I was talking to John Pabon (the love of my life) online when I noticed how goddamn horny I was. Then I came to the realization that I hadn't masturbated in TWO WHOLE FUCKING DAYS since I did that ecstasy. AND I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT!
So I signed off, went to my bedroom, and prepared myself for some good action. Little did I know that today would be the night I beat the bedroom record of former champion 適rystalK・(now known as KandyK). My first four orgasms came within a minute, which isn't unusual for me (hey, girls are allowed to be premies okay), but something was unusual. Even after my orgasms were finished, my vagina continued to spasm as if it were still in ecstasy. I texted John Pabon to tell him of my problem with the nether regions (you see why I love this kid?!?!?!) and he proclaimed that perhaps it was because my vagina was not used to being neglected for an entire grueling 48 hours. So I went for a fifth one, and surprisingly I just touched myself, and it came in less than 3 seconds. Realizing my luck, I figured that as long as my orgasms were coming so unbelievably quickly, I would try to beat my record.
At around the 8th orgasm an aura of euphoria filled my senses, and I was no longer angry at the world. Sometimes, I just need to get laid. In this case, I really really needed to. When I reached 30 orgasms, I began giggling and bursted out in laughter because I couldn't fucking believe how many I was getting. Then I peaked and reached orgasm again mid-laughter (-_-).
I'm thinking that the ecstasy I took on Tuesday had a little bit of speed in it, which triggered some of the meth chemicals in my memory cells to be depleted back into my body. This is the reason that even when I reached 40 orgasms I still had incredible energy, and each orgasm took no more than a minute. This is also the reason I beat my record in half the time I originally did it in (2 hours). Normally when I reach double digits I generally let my box take a ten minute cigarette break, but my energy had not withered one bit. The best part is that this entire time me and Pabon were texting each other back and forth on the phone, yet this was not an inhibitor (again, what a great guy!).
I went halfway to 100 and thought that maybe I should go for the gold, reach triple digits. Then I reached 55 and got bored so I called it quits. But still. I REACHED FIFTY FUCKING FIVE! BOW TO ME, FOR I AM THE MOTHAFUCKIN' BIG BANG!
I swear, they should have masturbation triathalons. I would get a bunch of companies sponsoring me, asking me to sport their logo. I would give completely new meaning to the slogans "Nike: Just do it" and "Gatorade: Is it in you?" And of course I'd give a handicap to the other competitors because I am just that damn good.
Now I'm actually hungry (I didn't eat for the past 3 days, fucking phantom high is lasting forever!) and sleepy. I ate some pizza, but I can't sleep till my bed dries. Man, what a way to start the new year right. Crystal meth and orgasms for everyone!