Multi-Love

[Lost Ego]

I think that there are different levels of intimacy with a person. There's run-of-the-mill sex to get off and relax. And then there is spiritual unity (spiritual sex) that only happens with two extremely compatible and similar people who put the effort in. And I think that if you establish a connection with a partner of this type - where your sex goes so far beyond the physical act - then you can sort of "dominate" the other males in terms of how well you can please your woman, and regular sex to your special sex will be like a hug is to your regular sex. You stop feeling jealous because what you have is just so unique between the two of you that neither will want to leave the other for something less.

A fine point, this is in part the reason why I don't mind being M's #2.

This. If you want to be selfish, go right ahead, but don't be upset or angry when the person you "love" doesn't settle for #2, or #3 or whatever place you want to put the person. Some people are fine with sharing. I am not. I find most people who think of themselves as openminded are not really openminded when other people don't think the same way.

I don't plan on making either J or M a #1 or #2... Why do you women always have to try and make a game/contest out of everything? Can I not just give them both all the love that I can, make them both my first priority and treat them as the unique and special individuals that they are? After all they are unique and while I may have a unique relationship with both of them and may not treat them exactly the same doesn't mean I'd love one any less. And I wouldn't get angry if that sort of miscommunication were to happen, I'm not much of an angry person.

How does her other boyfriend feel about all of this?

I don't see how this is relevant to my situation

A good portion of jealousy is a fear of not being good enough and that someone else better is going to steal your partner away from you. We live in a society that profits off of our various fears and insecurities. If fear didn't permeate every aspect of our lives to the degree that it does and we all felt a little better about ourselves, a good amount of the jealousy could be channelled into love.

Perhaps a bit of it is instinctual. But does something being instinctual automatically mean that it cannot be overcome through discipline?

Yes at first I was jealous due to my fear of inadequacy but after a little while I realized I was good enough for her. The only thing her bf has that I do not is a 2-3 year history with her. He is a secure relationship for M and she finds comfort in that. Perhaps if I'm lucky, in a year or so she too will see security in our relationship and she'll finally leave him and be all mine. And if not then It was time well spent.

Ya i agree with you in this argument. Jealousy is an internal process and so it'd only make sense that you could in theory overcome it with another internal process. I'm the firm believer that we can overcome most obstacles through discipline, mind > matter .

 

[Lost Ego]

And in case you care

Me and M:

 

[Noodle]

I actually consider myself a polyamorist, but I also feels pangs of jealousy from time to time when in a relationship that moves beyond a simple physical attraction.

I know because in the past ten plus years I have and done and experienced things I do not mention here.

That is because it is my business, and I answer to no one when it comes to my personal life.

Just like you.

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

I'm polyamorist and have been in multi-relationships before but have only had jealousy rear it's head once. I was dating two people, H and C. They were in a LTR before H pursued an open relationship with me and after a while I introduced the idea of a polyamorous relationship because I'd fallen for C too. This continued on for a couple of months before H and C started falling out due to jealousy, feeling that it wasn't an equal relationship. We all sat down and talked it out, working out what would need to change for everyone to feel that they were on equal footing. This worked for another few months and the only reason the relationship ended was because I moved states for work.

Jealousy and possessiveness are generally viewed not so much as something to avoid or structure the relationships around, but as responses that should be explored, understood, and resolved within each individual, with compersion as a goal.

 

[Mr.Scagnattie]

^^

Have you ever been in multiple relationships at the same time where they didn't know? Ever gotten caught?

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

Yes, once when I was 19. And it was a terrible idea. Ruined my relationship and friendship with both people.

And it's tiring to have to keep track of so many lies, you're constantly on your toes, second guessing every word that comes out of your mouth.

 

[Mr.Scagnattie]

^^

Yeah I can imagine. Sounds really stressful.

 

[Lost Ego]

I actually consider myself a polyamorist, but I also feels pangs of jealousy from time to time when in a relationship that moves beyond a simple physical attraction.

I know because in the past ten plus years I have and done and experienced things I do not mention here.

That is because it is my business, and I answer to no one when it comes to my personal life.

Just like you.

Yeah i'm not gonna lie and say I'm not jealous of M's boyfriend. Especially at the beginning I couldn't stand the idea of someone else fucking her, someone else getting to hold her, someone else getting her affection and attention... I learned to let go of that, he was there first and I learned to not think about it. It also helps that I've never had to witness them together.

Ya I wouldn't post in here about my personal life unless I had to. And I felt I needed help so they have every right to put their 2 cents in. Um thank you for the winky face *blushes*.

I'm polyamorist and have been in multi-relationships before but have only had jealousy rear it's head once. I was dating two people, H and C. They were in a LTR before H pursued an open relationship with me and after a while I introduced the idea of a polyamorous relationship because I'd fallen for C too. This continued on for a couple of months before H and C started falling out due to jealousy, feeling that it wasn't an equal relationship. We all sat down and talked it out, working out what would need to change for everyone to feel that they were on equal footing. This worked for another few months and the only reason the relationship ended was because I moved states for work.

So you actually loved the both of them simultaneously?

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

So you actually loved the both of them simultaneously?

Yes. When the focus is not on the sexual relationship, and instead on the emotional one, it's not difficult at all to love more than one person simultaneously.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Perhaps if I'm lucky, in a year or so she too will see security in our relationship and she'll finally leave him and be all mine. And if not then It was time well spent.

If that's you're thinking in this whole ordeal I think you're setting yourself up for some heartache. You say you're ok being #2 or whatever but it's obvious that you really aren't. And what would happen with the other chick you met if you did succeed? Would you still be seeing her too? Imho I don't really see any of this going long term but I could be wrong.

I could never see myself being with more than one person, or being with a person who's seeing someone else unless it was just to hook up. I have been with someone who was already seeing someone thinking the same thing as the OP and it definitely didn't work out although we're friends now somehow. But the way I view it is I give all of myself to someone I'm in a relationship with so why would I want to be with someone who's giving themselves to someone else also? I put the person I'm with first and expect the same sort of like we own each other. I think some people can pull off having different partners or open relationships, but a lot of times it just creates drama and heartache.

 

[Lost Ego]

^breaking my own heart has been a recurring trend in my life. i'm fully aware of how unlikely it is i'll ever have her all to myself and i've accepted it. I won't allow myself to get badly hurt again. this is why I picked up a "#2", to avoid getting hurt. At worst i'll be extremely disappointed when M decides that we can't see each other anymore. But I won't be heart broken... In the end i'll be okay. Like I said before i'm okay with whatever happens, right now there's nobody i'd rather spend my time with than M. The point of this thread wasn't to see if I could find someone to replace M, the point of this thread was to find a 2nd person to love (to sort of split my love between and prevent myself from getting too attached to M too soon) because since M has someone else it's only fair that I do as well.

 

[nuttynutskin]

So the new chick you're seeing isn't with anyone else right? Pretty rare at least to me to find someone who doesn't mind that you're with someone else, but then again my sex and love life history is pretty limited lol. Do what you want obviously, but if you like this new chick why not focus on her and just remain friends with the other? Since it's pretty clear that she is never going to be yours exclusively you could potentially at least save a friendship instead of letting things drag on where people end up getting hurt. And even tho the new chick says she's ok with you seeing someone else right now there's a good chance that that could change with time, but I'm a pessimist.

 

[Lost Ego]

um the new girl is what you would consider a friend with benefits with perhaps a little bit of romance on the side. I don't know if a relationship with her would work since she's a bit younger than me :/. and I haven't told her about M specifically but she said she didn't care if I saw other women. Oh and no the new girl doesn't have another man. I'm starting to grow suspicious that she's getting attached way too soon. i've been dating other girls as well to see if they're a better match than J. anyways I don't like the idea of friend zoning M. I'm definitely going to keep her around. I give her things her bf can't and she gives me things other girls can't. she's irreplaceable as a companion.