Moving In Together.

[Oats]

Since the first month we had been together we talked about living together, eventually. He seemed to be ready at any given time, I on the otherhand wanted to wait until AT LEAST our one year. We are about to enter into our 8th month coming up next week and I basically live with him and his family (I spend the night every weekend). And I'm over their house everyday and eat dinners there etc. We've been talking about our own place more and more lately.
My question to you is how long did you and your partner wait until you moved in together? How long has/did it last? Any tips you can give to a young couple such as my boyfriend and I (18 and 20 years of age)?

 

[Mariposa]

My best advice would be to treat it as if it is disposable NOW or do not compromise.

I had my first live-in relationship when I was 19. His family was fine with it; mine was not, and mine won out.

I'm 31 now and I won't live with anyone other than my housemates (not that kind, we are platonic) until I am serious about marriage myself. I don't attend to the Bank of Daddy as I'm 750 miles away.

My record in this regard is 2 years. One of those years was heaven. I scarcely remember it now. The other year was hell. It was ultimately mutual when he and I split. I do not want him back - nor do I believe he would want me. I tried to call it off. He had already given notice at his place; now he lives in another part of the world. I do wish him happiness. He left behind two feline children who live amazing lives with their older brother.

I hope that nobody needs to go through this. If you wish to live together, then why not do so independently in a place where you can pay your own rent? Why answer to parents? Why not live by yourself for a bit? I left my home at age 18 for university and I did not look back aside from a few months when I moved cross-country. I lost a lot along the way. I got tired of driving and flying everywhere. I never broke.

I urge you not to make the same mistakes I made. It is all perfect until it gets out of order. If you can make it work, whatever. I couldn't. What I do have now is freedom to build my career to perfection. It is wonderful to be able to travel. It is wonderful to not flip out over a dude who cannot place a ring on it.

I won't compromise.

 

[rangrz]

It's all disposable, plotted over a 122 year line, survival drops to 0.

Moving in together? Depends on who are you and him are and your experiences in life. I have no issues living with someone, romantically or not. Granted, I've spent enough time in the barracks that I stopped give a fuck and walk around naked with a huge hard on.

I say tread carefully, think before you act and take into consideration your and his style of living.

 

[Lysis]

All I really have to tell you is that moving in together is a whole new ballgame. It isn't always bad, and even breakups can be amicable, because you get sick of each other at the same time. lol I don't see marriage as any different than moving in, except without marriage, you have more wiggle room to get out of it. I like to keep my options open. :D So, I think moving in is a nice "next step" for a serious relationship. I've lived with a few men, and what has come out of it for me is A) I will always own my own home, even if I move into his place, because it's proven to be a safety net when the guy gets sick of me and B) I will never rely on some dude to pay for me and wind up stuck in a dependent situation.

I think the biggest arguments and annoyances I've had with men are money and needing my alone time. I can't stand someone being around me 24x7. I need my space, so many times, I do get annoyed with someone who is hanging around alllll the time.

But, the biggest issue for me has always been money. Who will pay this and that, and who will pay when we go out. My divorce had a lot to do with money, because every time we did something, he wanted to negotiate who pays, and it got really old after a while. Going out went basically like this: Where are we going..and OK, I pay and he'll drive, or I drive and he pays and then if he pays I pay for the movies...yadda yadda. Too much money talk, and he thought I should basically carry the weight and do what he wanted me to do. I have little tolerance for such things.

I suggest you keep a security blanket in the form of a savings account. Lots of people say it's a negative attitude to have, but my savings account has been a security blanket for me on many occasions. When I got divorced, my ex up and left, which was fine, but that of course left me with all expenses. No problem...got my savings. Oh, and another thing. YOU DO NOT PUT HIS NAME ON IT!

I don't care what any idealistic person says: you don't go into a relationship with the idea that it will get nasty or fall apart, so there is nothing wrong with securing yourself. You don't expect him to cheat, become unhappy, leave, clean out the savings account, or just decide one day he wants to flake out. With a savings account, it's fine. He can do whatever he wants, and you'll be just fine. This is especially true if you have kids.

It's ok to be in love and want to move in together. My first move-in was with a guy with whom I was going over his house and staying at his parents. He would tell me to come over and just walk in and his parents were ok with it. I felt so weird, but he told me it's fine. Welll, one day his mom told me she was uncomfortable with it. He lied to me, so it was just weird and awkward after that. I should have known, but I was 18 and stupid.

 

[xstayfadedx]

Well all I can say is do it if you believe it will workout. If you have any doubts then I wouldn't do it just yet... Always listen to your gut feeling. Other than that if you move in together make sure its at your own place and not his parents, doing so could probably ruin any "perfect" relationship. Also make sure not to be dependent on your boyfriend....have a job, your own finances, keep money on the side incase you ever have to move out... There is going to be a lot of trial and error but hopefully you both can work past the problems and/or issues. In the end you will know what's best for you. There is no need to rush this decision.

 

[LuGoJ]

It was a little over a year before my wife officially moved in after we first met. It was a process that really started happening two months after we met though, more clothers started appearing, 4-5 nights a week spent at my place, a piece of furniture magically appearing here and there. Finally we decided it was silly for her to pay rent in a place she wasn’t staying. We lived in a tiny 400 square foot studio apartment with two crazy cats for the first two years of our relationship and I think it was a really good test. If we could handle that situation without wanting to kill each other we could handle anything


Listen to Lysis about the savings account. You always need to protect yourself. Even though I have been with my wife for nearly 7 years we still have our own bank accounts along with a joint account. our paychecks go to our separate accounts and each month we discuss how much we should transfer to the joint account to cover our shared expenses, emergency fund, savings and investments. We usually wind up sending 80% of our paychecks to the joint account and then the leftover 20% is used for each of our personal retirement accounts and personal expenses.

 

[modern buddha]

That's quite a big step at 18 and 20.

Addip and I have talked about moving in together for a short while now (we've been dating for over a year), but we realize that we need to each be financially stable before we move in together.

If you can't pay for at least half the cost of the house you might be moving in to, I'd reconsider.

 

[citizen cained]

About 10 months for me....we split up 8 months later. I was 19 when we moved in together

my mum was right "you don't know someone until you have lived with them"

some advice, keep your finances separate don't get a joint anything (even a joint rent agreement if you can help it) agree a split food budget and buy stuff for the place but apart from that, keep your bank account and money yours. then if you split up, you can simply walk away with no ties.

Moving in is a big step, you can't just simply go back to mum and dad if it ends badly (well technically you can but it is never the same as before you moved out..trust me)


Whatever you decide...good luck.

 

[munki]

First time living with a bf I was 22, and it lasted five and a half years. This was an incredibly dysfunctional relationship where we fought every day (we fucked everyday too 8)). It was really bad the last year or so because our arguments were starting to digress into the physical realm (he pushed me one time when I was really drunk and sprained my ankle from that, we wrestled in a tent and broke the poles, ripped a blanket in half, I threw dirt at him....totally two year old stuff but still not cool) It was pretty difficult to disengage from that one because we had been together for so long.

Second time living with a bf it was a very tumultuous relationship also, on and off for nine months, with him moving in and out a couple times. It was easier to break it off because that relationship was so transient, though we got a kid out of the deal so I have to interact with him on a weekly basis.

Now, with my current beau we have plans for me to move into his house when my lease ends in april. We do not have a tumultuous relationship, so I think it will be okay. I am a little worried about his messiness, because I am much tidier than him. Hopefully I will be able to train him. We have only been together for about 7.5 months now, so it is kinda soon, but the other two guys I lived with we jumped into living together after only a few months.

As long as you guys seem compatible hopefully things will turn out for the best.

 

[LuGoJ]

Now, with my current beau we have plans for me to move into his house when my lease ends in april. We do not have a tumultuous relationship, so I think it will be okay. I am a little worried about his messiness, because I am much tidier than him. Hopefully I will be able to train him.

Don’t get your hopes up, it's really difficult to turn a messy person into a clean person. I would focus more on figuring out a good compromise rather than training him because you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. Anyhow, what is he, a dog?

 

[Lysis]

Hopefully I will be able to train him.

LOL Oh munki, you know that won't happen, but I know where you're coming from. Not a reason to break up or not move in, but definitely know that you're gonna be stuck cleaning. lol

Have you considered getting a cleaning lady each week? I'm messy, and (venting a bit) my partner is just useless when it comes to just about everything in that realm. He does nothing, but again like I said in another thread, I digress. lol I pay for someone to come in and clean, so at least I can hold in my rage about things when it comes to cleanliness.

 

[helium-4]

I'd think about renting a two bedroom to allow for you each to have your own space while you get used to such a big step in life. Having a place where one can be at peace with themselves, get away from silly arguments, etc could be pretty helpful till you work out all the kinks in living with someone.

 

[Lysis]

I'd think about renting a two bedroom to allow for you each to have your own space while you get used to such a big step in life. Having a place where one can be at peace with themselves, get away from silly arguments, etc could be pretty helpful till you work out all the kinks in living with someone.

That's a great idea.

 

[Perpetual Indulgence]

At 18-20 years of age, there was no way I could support myself financially. Where are kids getting money these days?

I allowed a guy to move into my apartment at age 31 and there still was financial stress.
It was after being together for 2 months. The relationship lasted 7+ years.

 

[Lysis]

Some of these cities in BFE have like $400/month rent. Shiiiiit that's awesome. lol I think if you live in the middle of nowhere, you can live off of min. wage or close to it. You can't live like that here unless you live in the ghetto. Cheapest you can get a 1 bedroom in a decent area is $800-$900 and that is small. I guess if you have cheap rent, it's possible to live on a min. wage salary between two people working.

I should have saw the signs coming for me when he told me he "Doesn't like to talk about money, because his dad was pushy when it came to being a millionaire." Now, I realize why he doesn't talk about it. It's because he doesn't want anyone asking WTF he doesn't cough of the money he promised each month.

I've lived with someone who moved down here with nothing and was a hard ass worker. I will only move in with someone who has a real job and doesn't have excuses. Avoid the bums. Nothing wrong with working for min. wage to work yourself up, but avoid the ones with a gazillion excuses as to why they have no job for a long period of time.

 

[Perpetual Indulgence]

Ghetto living, no thanks which is why my parents supported me until I was 26. $400/month rent would be a shit hole in any of the cities I lived in. The folks said move out when you know you are never coming back. That is what I did. Always be prepared to support yourself if the move in situation does not work out.

 

[Josair]

I second the 'rent two rooms' idea. Me and my GF did the same a few months ago, despite the fact that a small flat (bathroom/kitchen/bedroom) would have been only marginally more expensive. We use a room as bedroom, and the other one has the computers, an extra bed and all of our junk. For us it works just fine.

 

[Lysis]

Ghetto living, no thanks which is why my parents supported me until I was 26. $400/month rent would be a shit hole in any of the cities I lived in. The folks said move out when you know you are never coming back. That is what I did. Always be prepared to support yourself if the move in situation does not work out.

Amen sistah. That's why I have a small 2 bedroom condo in an expensive city. Smallest place in an expensive neighborhood is the way to go IMO. I can walk my dog at midnight or 5am when I wake up without worrying about getting mugged or killed. Lots of cops live next to me too, so I'm sure that's a bit of a deterrent.

 

[Perpetual Indulgence]

I agree. I live on a cul de sac where all my neighbours have guns and a watchful eye who comes into our 15 home community. Gotta love the south.

 

[Miss_vanilla]

I moved out at 18 and lived with a bunch of housemates for years - I wasn't rich by any means but I worked my way through uni and got by. Didn't have much of a choice as my parents weren't going to support me. I was glad to move out and being a bit poor at times didn't phase me, it's all part of being young, right of passage and all that.

Money can be a major issue when moving in with anyone, even a friend, much less a b/f or g/f. Be smart and have open, honest discussions about finances and expectations before you move in. Don't ignore your instincts or any red flags. Look into your country's/state's legislation regarding legal ramifications of cohabitation. Where I live, if you live together for 2 years you have the right to claim ownership of each other's property, etc.