rollinginecstasy
Bluelighter
I’m sick of coping.
Not even coping really,
more like…trying to cope.
Is everyone seriously this happy?
Or is everyone seriously this fake?
Look at me.
When did my reflection become so depressing?
Drowning in personal anguish,
choking on misery and loneliness.
I’m just as fake as everyone else.
Probably more.
When did this facade become so natural anyways?
Can everyone possibly be this blind?
I mean, I’m not that great of an actor, am I?
Of course, I’m just as blind as the rest,
right?
I hope so, even if it is selfish.
Fuck compassion.
How long have I been stuck in this cycle?
Failure, letdown, and loss in this disenchanted, disillusioned reality.
Repeatedly seeking comfort in those places that have disappointed me the most……
The drugs (forever lacking the endless potential they claim and probably deserve),
The girls (forever(?) lacking the stability and integrity I (probably don’t) deserve),
These so-called friends (forever(?) redefined with each audacious increase in deception),
Fuck, even family (forever(?) in search of loyalties lost and love misplaced),
So where do I look?
Money? Material possessions?
There has got to be more than material happiness,
right?
Sure it helps, but there must be more.
I know there’s more.
So where?
A hypocritical “god?”
Fill myself with empty promises and blind faith?
Hasn’t worked for me yet.
Nah, I’m done setting myself up. Besides, I don’t have the energy.
The last place to look should have been the first.
It’s funny (not really), how I’ve known all along.
I know that it’s my fault.
Of course it is.
It’s just…..I don’t know…
I guess I always felt like I deserved more.
A single friend I could trust relentlessly.
Anyone to rely on. Anyone I didn’t have to doubt.
Just one source of dependability.
But I’m tired of self pity.
I’m tired of distorted blame.
I’m tired of drowning and choking and depressing mirrors.
I’m tired of the letdowns.
No one stole my ambition.
My happiness will never be found in the possession of a friend or a girl.
No one else is capable of ending this endless cycle.
I don’t even know (remember?) what happiness really is.
But my definition of happiness is my responsibility,
and that I’ve known all along.
Not even coping really,
more like…trying to cope.
Is everyone seriously this happy?
Or is everyone seriously this fake?
Look at me.
When did my reflection become so depressing?
Drowning in personal anguish,
choking on misery and loneliness.
I’m just as fake as everyone else.
Probably more.
When did this facade become so natural anyways?
Can everyone possibly be this blind?
I mean, I’m not that great of an actor, am I?
Of course, I’m just as blind as the rest,
right?
I hope so, even if it is selfish.
Fuck compassion.
How long have I been stuck in this cycle?
Failure, letdown, and loss in this disenchanted, disillusioned reality.
Repeatedly seeking comfort in those places that have disappointed me the most……
The drugs (forever lacking the endless potential they claim and probably deserve),
The girls (forever(?) lacking the stability and integrity I (probably don’t) deserve),
These so-called friends (forever(?) redefined with each audacious increase in deception),
Fuck, even family (forever(?) in search of loyalties lost and love misplaced),
So where do I look?
Money? Material possessions?
There has got to be more than material happiness,
right?
Sure it helps, but there must be more.
I know there’s more.
So where?
A hypocritical “god?”
Fill myself with empty promises and blind faith?
Hasn’t worked for me yet.
Nah, I’m done setting myself up. Besides, I don’t have the energy.
The last place to look should have been the first.
It’s funny (not really), how I’ve known all along.
I know that it’s my fault.
Of course it is.
It’s just…..I don’t know…
I guess I always felt like I deserved more.
A single friend I could trust relentlessly.
Anyone to rely on. Anyone I didn’t have to doubt.
Just one source of dependability.
But I’m tired of self pity.
I’m tired of distorted blame.
I’m tired of drowning and choking and depressing mirrors.
I’m tired of the letdowns.
No one stole my ambition.
My happiness will never be found in the possession of a friend or a girl.
No one else is capable of ending this endless cycle.
I don’t even know (remember?) what happiness really is.
But my definition of happiness is my responsibility,
and that I’ve known all along.
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