morphine poem revisited

[thursday]

after some thorough revisions and heavy editing:

another morphine poem

The echo of footsteps in the stairwell
a sound utterly empty
like so many insincere words
empty
like everything I thought I knew.
a puff of red in the reservoir re-affirms my existence
it lets me feel again.
my shallowed breath
a puff of red
it lets me feel again.
this warmth provides me comfort like a blanket of shallow clouds
I am home again, I am safe again...
false security sweeps across this cold, trembling corpse.
and still I remember vividly
so many bitter sweet fantasies
of them lying again
of me dying again, choking
on their viscous lies.
morbid dreams release me into the weeping night.
under the shine of a languishing moon
dewy eyes lose focus of the overwhelming grief.
and as the blood starts to flow
sorrow is replaced by heavenly bliss.
sleep
only to re-awaken to emptiness
the next day.
that emptiness that finds me always
I cannot repress it.
again
the needle leaves its blemish
--purple clouds across my forearm
where fading dreams blew out

 

[rollinginecstasy]

the last line took this poem from great to amazing (well, in my opinion anyways. unfortunately the only bluelighter who ever cares about my opinion is you).
god dammit after reading that i'm afraid my opinion of this piece may come off a bit biased. oh well, good job either way.

oh, and on a quick side note, you god damn better believe i agree with you. haven't let me down yet, and i can't even say that about my priest or myself. keep it up.

 

[thursday]

thanks a lot man. your posts are always very insightful and humorous as well.

 

[Shucklak]

its like a sad and tender secret. no one understands more than those who have also been down that road.

 

[on the road]

you truely captured the feeling "emptiness"

 

[Khadijah]

thursday ive read your posts before youre one of the bluelighters i like for some reason. thas saying something cuz i hate most of em. so u know i aint tryin to be mean or anything imma just write my review and say what i really think. but theres some love for ya at the end dont worry.

who am i to judge your poem, but i will say one thing if u dont mind. to u as the writer every line in there i bet means something and u wouldnt want to pull it out, but i guess what im thinking is you are being over explicit. explaining everything completely. leaving no room for the reader to think about what it means cuz you are telling them completely. u get me?

i hope im explaining it good enough. please dont be mad, i aint tearring your work apart remember its just my dumbass opinion. anyways, i guess part of poetry is the fact that u are saying something in a different way than talking. your words, its kind of heavy like just sitting there but the words aint taking life. im just not really feelin it.

dont stop readin ---wait----
*****BUT******* that all changes at the end it suddenly goes from sounding like you arre someone writing/rearding aloud someone elses feelings, to being one of those hard-hitter where u really feel it raw types of things. if i aint constructive sorry im trying to be. everything im saying is with respect though just puttin in my thoughts cuz everybody likes to hearr what people think about their shit in here even if it is not 100 percent praise.

"again
the needle leaves its blemish
--purple clouds across my forearm
where fading dreams blew out"

^^that shit right there is the good that im talking about. it hit me where it hurts. you definately got it in you to bust through annd make the reader feel it like a sucka punch to the stomach. i think (well i didnt read your original one so i dont know) but i think (this had happened to me before) maybe too much editing made it less urgent and raw and u over polished it i dont know. still my opinion aint shit if u dont want it so disregarrd me if u think im bein too critical.

either way tight work man. respect to you keep writing.

 

[thursday]

thanks for the constructive criticism. i kinda understand what you're saying and i'm still trying to improve upon the poem so it's been very helpful. i think part of it is that this poem deals with a very emotional topic/experience which makes it harder to put into abstract metaphors when all i really want to do is just go up to certain people and say "fuck you!" or just stab them in the face. the original poem was more explicit i think in a way that there's really no room for personal interpretation unless someone went through the exact same experience i did. what i'm trying to get a feel for right now is what other people find they can relate too, and what parts are just awkward because they are too confined to my particular experience.

 

[Khadijah]

i wasnt talkin too much arbout metaphors i meant like some words convey how raw it is and other ones just simply tell it... in the beginning it just feels telling, at the end its feeling, really feelin it
either way i know exactly what u mean about the stabbin in the face
i feel like that too i would never rather use a metaphor for that shit...

%)

 

[axl blaze]

that shit is off the hook, thursday.

every line was all too familiar with me.