Pyro
Bluelighter
I'm no longer sad about my lonely state.
I've come to grips with the lonely fact.
I occupy my time
so that I don't think about it.
Still, at night before bedtime
I am always faced with the reality of the day just past.
Oh day gone by. Can you hear me cry? At night I find myself so quiet. The song of the day has been sung, and so my mind is silent. I reflect upon the numerous chances, I had to displace the silence. Still I find myself unwilling to speak, because I know they just wouldn't match. For shame, but I have none. For my future, which I do have... I think, "Oh I should go meet some kindred people." I look around and see none.
Woe is me. Please don't take pity. Pity makes me look weak. If I were weak, then I'd be dead already. By now I can see the most uncertian future... which is same and similar to right now. "So alone," says my heart. "Woe is me," says my mind. So I sit here and contemplate this writing.
I have no one else to relate these ideas to. They are not on this particular level. They're all on their own wavelengths or paths. I am just walking and walking and walking... alone. By myself I find nothing important, and oh how I wish... I wish I did not have to walk by myself, or type to the faceless strangers.
Yet I can do nothing else but type, and spill out these writings to you all (bluelight). I have nothing else to do in this night time (pre-sleep). So please just bare with me when you see these sad things. I write not to impress you. I write just to share and to feel and to know that maybe someone else feels the same way. Or for a moment I can make you feel like I do. This does not mean I have control issues.
All it means is nothing but an arm. An arm reaching out to feel. Feeling what you feel, when you read what I write... and visa versa. I don't want to drag you down when you read, so I try to choose my words and ideas to be -- uplifting yet still realistic.
Which is why I can't truely uplift you with this one... cause I'm still sad deep down inside. My heart tells my mind how to act. My body is just an instrument of my soul and I can't deny that. I am alone. You can see it in the way that I walk and present myself (unless I'm lying... or laying.) Perhaps not YOU (since you are online), but if you could only see me. If. Only. Me.
Unchecked lonliness makes one angry. Yet, I'm tired of being angry and jaded. So now I'm just back at 1 again, just lonely. My heart's feeling faded, just lonely. It beats less profoundly. I don't want slothfulness or malaise. So it's just a faded heart.
Just a lonely person. With a faded heart. Just sad. Tired of being angry and upset and bitchy. Just waiting and working and working and waiting...
It seems, from this perspective, that I'm perpetually stagnent. Now that I've put my past behind me and am willing to grow. I'm just growing -- I know that I was built to grow only so much... without you (my dear).
And again, to my dear, the one I still can't seem to find... goodnight with a kiss - fingers through your hair that does not exist, and I try to not become absolutely lost to it all (the imagination).
I'm a fighter my dear, in case you didn't know. Still, You might have to help with just a few repairs. When you get here, I will do my best to be as best I can be. Still, sadness is a destructive force, you see. You help me with my little pains, and I'll help you with yours. And more, until we both grow like grand redwood trees, reaching up to the beginning of the stratosphere.
So goodnight bluelight. It was just another note for you all. It was for her (who will soon exist - hope). It was for me (so I know someone is feeling the same way [at least while reading]).
So, peace be in your dreams tonight. Or whichever night, may peace be in those. Don't forget to remember God and faith and love and... ... ... damnit I am forgetting something...
Tim
(Pyro)
I've come to grips with the lonely fact.
I occupy my time
so that I don't think about it.
Still, at night before bedtime
I am always faced with the reality of the day just past.
Oh day gone by. Can you hear me cry? At night I find myself so quiet. The song of the day has been sung, and so my mind is silent. I reflect upon the numerous chances, I had to displace the silence. Still I find myself unwilling to speak, because I know they just wouldn't match. For shame, but I have none. For my future, which I do have... I think, "Oh I should go meet some kindred people." I look around and see none.
Woe is me. Please don't take pity. Pity makes me look weak. If I were weak, then I'd be dead already. By now I can see the most uncertian future... which is same and similar to right now. "So alone," says my heart. "Woe is me," says my mind. So I sit here and contemplate this writing.
I have no one else to relate these ideas to. They are not on this particular level. They're all on their own wavelengths or paths. I am just walking and walking and walking... alone. By myself I find nothing important, and oh how I wish... I wish I did not have to walk by myself, or type to the faceless strangers.
Yet I can do nothing else but type, and spill out these writings to you all (bluelight). I have nothing else to do in this night time (pre-sleep). So please just bare with me when you see these sad things. I write not to impress you. I write just to share and to feel and to know that maybe someone else feels the same way. Or for a moment I can make you feel like I do. This does not mean I have control issues.
All it means is nothing but an arm. An arm reaching out to feel. Feeling what you feel, when you read what I write... and visa versa. I don't want to drag you down when you read, so I try to choose my words and ideas to be -- uplifting yet still realistic.
Which is why I can't truely uplift you with this one... cause I'm still sad deep down inside. My heart tells my mind how to act. My body is just an instrument of my soul and I can't deny that. I am alone. You can see it in the way that I walk and present myself (unless I'm lying... or laying.) Perhaps not YOU (since you are online), but if you could only see me. If. Only. Me.
Unchecked lonliness makes one angry. Yet, I'm tired of being angry and jaded. So now I'm just back at 1 again, just lonely. My heart's feeling faded, just lonely. It beats less profoundly. I don't want slothfulness or malaise. So it's just a faded heart.
Just a lonely person. With a faded heart. Just sad. Tired of being angry and upset and bitchy. Just waiting and working and working and waiting...
It seems, from this perspective, that I'm perpetually stagnent. Now that I've put my past behind me and am willing to grow. I'm just growing -- I know that I was built to grow only so much... without you (my dear).
And again, to my dear, the one I still can't seem to find... goodnight with a kiss - fingers through your hair that does not exist, and I try to not become absolutely lost to it all (the imagination).
I'm a fighter my dear, in case you didn't know. Still, You might have to help with just a few repairs. When you get here, I will do my best to be as best I can be. Still, sadness is a destructive force, you see. You help me with my little pains, and I'll help you with yours. And more, until we both grow like grand redwood trees, reaching up to the beginning of the stratosphere.
So goodnight bluelight. It was just another note for you all. It was for her (who will soon exist - hope). It was for me (so I know someone is feeling the same way [at least while reading]).
So, peace be in your dreams tonight. Or whichever night, may peace be in those. Don't forget to remember God and faith and love and... ... ... damnit I am forgetting something...
Tim
(Pyro)
