Stay.Blazed.420
Bluelighter
i'm prescribed .5mg x2 a day and last tuesday i saw my doctor (while on my full prescribed dose) shaking uncontrollably and crying telling him how i want to kill myself and shit. He didn't put me on anti-depressants (which i think i'm definitely in need of) but told me it's okay to take 3 or a max of 4 a day if things are really bad.
well lately they have been. I've been suicidal, cutting and moping around feeling lethargic about anything and everything.
Last night i was told my gf cheated on me by her roommate (whom is one of my enemies) and i fucking exploded. She was getting drunk and she doesn't have her own phone and everytime i tried calling her roommates number to talk he would just hit ignore. I was under the impression she just didn't want to talk to me. I took 2.5mg of clonazepam and started cutting away. Callin in sick at work at 2:30 in the morning saying something came up and i couldn't work today.
I then went to her house today and knocked on the door. her asshole roommate (who always tells her to dump me and is a massive douchebag to her) answers and says she had a threesome with a guy and a girl last night. I asked who and he wouldn't say, but he said she wasn't at home and she was at work. after hearing this, i drove to her work, and knocked on the door and asked for her and said it was an emergency. when i told her what her roommate said she freaked out and said it wasn't true. she even left work early to come talk with me.
She asked why i'd even believe that for a second. 'do you think im just some huge slut?' 'i can't believe he would say that', 'nobody in that fucking house has any respect for me', 'how could you have even believed that in the first place?' Then she started pulling her hair out and i grabbed one of her arms to stop her and she just swatted me away. She was showing signs that she's being disrespected by her roommates by making rumors and that she was very upset that i'd even believe them.
I then went home and grabbed my bottle of clones. I took my second, and i gave her one. Then we parked in an un-used apartment parking lot space, sat in the back seat and talked. She said after her roommate said that about her she's not gonna pay rent and she wanted to move out today. She then demonstrated her saleswoman skills on me (because she got a new job) and i pretended i was the interviewee. She seemed really happy and excited to start this job, and i was very impressed with her presentation. I can tell she will be very successful at it.
Right as we were about to leave and go get all her shit packed up so she could stay at her grandma's for a few days, a ghost car pulled up right behind me. I got out of the car, and showed them my undertaking papers, and they searched my car (as part of my conditions) and asked for our names and addresses.
another police car showed up as well. (the same cop that arrested me on the day i was released with possession of hydromorphone and i spent two weeks in jail because of it). He asked what her conditions were, and she said no alcohol or drugs. Then the cop says 'it also says no direct or indirect contact with [me]'.
'put your hands behind your back, you are under arrest'. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT. On may 14th i called the domestic dispute case worker that was handling my gf's assault case and she said that on her next court date (may 31'st) the no contact order would be dropped due to my request. Well I guess she fucking lied.
Now my girlfriend is sitting in a shitty fucking down-town police cell (with a big bulletproof glass window, toilet, and a solid-as-fuck rubber mat [not even the good jail]). I was personally told by the case worker the no contact order would be dropped on May 31'st the day of her court. This is fucking bullshit. I feel responsible because i made the decision to park in a pretty stupid location where people in the apartments could see us, and apparently somebody called in a complaint saying we were having sex. (which was NOT the case, she was just excited about her new job and was telling me about it).
I took 2 more (4 total) when i saw my girlfriend crying in the back of the police cruiser. I couldn't believe she was being hauled off to jail after having such a shitty fucking day and we had plans to move all her shit out of that poor house filled with cunty roommates that would put her down and make her cry. We are both depressed and kind of dependent on each other because of it. whenever we are together it feels amazing. Just talking, holding her hard, seeing her smile, anything. But because of me parking in a stupid location, and because of this stupid fucking cunt bitch domestic dispute case worker not having the order dropped as she had promised, now she's sitting in a lonely cell for the next 24 hours JUST to possibly be remanded in a correctional facility for up to a week.
THIS IS BULLSHIT. I know it's the judge's decision, not the case worker, but i don't even think she bothered to show up on the day of her court to pass the message on that we both want contact back. It's been over a month and a half of no contact over this stupid fucking ordeal. I regret calling the cops the night she broke my nose. She says she was blacked out for 9 hours and doesn't even remember hurting me, going to jail, or waking up in jail. She was hanging out with this sketchy guy (who is an ugly loner but we both considered a 'friend') and she left an open cooler un attended while he made her go upstairs to grab her something. I believe he put roofies in her drink.
This guy then took my car keys, and stole my car. He was later picked up and arrested for driving my car into a slew, and he had my car impounded.
I wish i never called the cops that night. I felt i had no other choice, but i could have just left our home and went for a walk while she chilled out or passed out, but i made it worse with name calling and threats of kicking her out on the street for stealing my car while i laid in bed recovering from a nose surgery and on a high dose of painkillers. I woke up at 3:30am and noticed she was gone and around 4:15 is when the cop came to my door and asked if i wanted to let her in or go to the drunk tank. I let her in. got my nose broken. and had her arrested.
Now two months later this no contact order is STILL ON even though she pleaded guilty and has to take a 6 month domestic abuse course. This fucking case worker said may 31'st it would be dropped, but now here i am on June 4th and she get's hauled away for prison for breaching her undertaking.
This is so fucked. I'm considering taking another 1mg of clonazepam because it's not helping with the anxiety (or depression) and i'm already on 3x my prescribed dose (1mg). I don't know what to do, she is just sitting in that rotten jail cell and i know exactly how bad it is because the lights are incredibly bright and you're basically sitting on a concrete floor with nothing to do. why did i have to park there?
After the cops left, i saw the window open on the third floor of an apartment building with the blinds open. I yelled FUCK YOU and then the person who called the cops came out. I just yelled 'NOW I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE' and i plan on getting revenge at some point tonight. It sure would suck to lose an entire balcony window now wouldn't it? Why did he have to complain? what were we doing? NOTHING. we were enjoying each others company and she was excited and showing me how her new full time job works. but now she's in jail indefinitely.
This is so fucked. The benzo's are only making me tired, not less anxious, and i can't fall asleep for 3 more hours because i need to call the police department at 10 to see if the Justice of Peace released her. (and the only reason they don't release people is if they're dangerous to the public, so if they remand her that is fucking bullshit.. if they do remand her she will be shackled and handcuffed and taken to the court house where she may be remanded for 7 more days.)
This is so fucked. I left the case worker a very agitated message and i had even wrote her a letter but she never looked at it. I can't help but feel responsible and empathetic for her. She was so depressed today, and we had plans to get her out of that house and have a day where just we hung out and nobody else, but that was shortly terminated by the police.
BULLSHIT
oh yeah, and after i came home crying after seeing my girlfriend get hauled away in cuffs my step dad decided to call me a pussy.
well lately they have been. I've been suicidal, cutting and moping around feeling lethargic about anything and everything.
Last night i was told my gf cheated on me by her roommate (whom is one of my enemies) and i fucking exploded. She was getting drunk and she doesn't have her own phone and everytime i tried calling her roommates number to talk he would just hit ignore. I was under the impression she just didn't want to talk to me. I took 2.5mg of clonazepam and started cutting away. Callin in sick at work at 2:30 in the morning saying something came up and i couldn't work today.
I then went to her house today and knocked on the door. her asshole roommate (who always tells her to dump me and is a massive douchebag to her) answers and says she had a threesome with a guy and a girl last night. I asked who and he wouldn't say, but he said she wasn't at home and she was at work. after hearing this, i drove to her work, and knocked on the door and asked for her and said it was an emergency. when i told her what her roommate said she freaked out and said it wasn't true. she even left work early to come talk with me.
She asked why i'd even believe that for a second. 'do you think im just some huge slut?' 'i can't believe he would say that', 'nobody in that fucking house has any respect for me', 'how could you have even believed that in the first place?' Then she started pulling her hair out and i grabbed one of her arms to stop her and she just swatted me away. She was showing signs that she's being disrespected by her roommates by making rumors and that she was very upset that i'd even believe them.
I then went home and grabbed my bottle of clones. I took my second, and i gave her one. Then we parked in an un-used apartment parking lot space, sat in the back seat and talked. She said after her roommate said that about her she's not gonna pay rent and she wanted to move out today. She then demonstrated her saleswoman skills on me (because she got a new job) and i pretended i was the interviewee. She seemed really happy and excited to start this job, and i was very impressed with her presentation. I can tell she will be very successful at it.
Right as we were about to leave and go get all her shit packed up so she could stay at her grandma's for a few days, a ghost car pulled up right behind me. I got out of the car, and showed them my undertaking papers, and they searched my car (as part of my conditions) and asked for our names and addresses.
another police car showed up as well. (the same cop that arrested me on the day i was released with possession of hydromorphone and i spent two weeks in jail because of it). He asked what her conditions were, and she said no alcohol or drugs. Then the cop says 'it also says no direct or indirect contact with [me]'.
'put your hands behind your back, you are under arrest'. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT. On may 14th i called the domestic dispute case worker that was handling my gf's assault case and she said that on her next court date (may 31'st) the no contact order would be dropped due to my request. Well I guess she fucking lied.
Now my girlfriend is sitting in a shitty fucking down-town police cell (with a big bulletproof glass window, toilet, and a solid-as-fuck rubber mat [not even the good jail]). I was personally told by the case worker the no contact order would be dropped on May 31'st the day of her court. This is fucking bullshit. I feel responsible because i made the decision to park in a pretty stupid location where people in the apartments could see us, and apparently somebody called in a complaint saying we were having sex. (which was NOT the case, she was just excited about her new job and was telling me about it).
I took 2 more (4 total) when i saw my girlfriend crying in the back of the police cruiser. I couldn't believe she was being hauled off to jail after having such a shitty fucking day and we had plans to move all her shit out of that poor house filled with cunty roommates that would put her down and make her cry. We are both depressed and kind of dependent on each other because of it. whenever we are together it feels amazing. Just talking, holding her hard, seeing her smile, anything. But because of me parking in a stupid location, and because of this stupid fucking cunt bitch domestic dispute case worker not having the order dropped as she had promised, now she's sitting in a lonely cell for the next 24 hours JUST to possibly be remanded in a correctional facility for up to a week.
THIS IS BULLSHIT. I know it's the judge's decision, not the case worker, but i don't even think she bothered to show up on the day of her court to pass the message on that we both want contact back. It's been over a month and a half of no contact over this stupid fucking ordeal. I regret calling the cops the night she broke my nose. She says she was blacked out for 9 hours and doesn't even remember hurting me, going to jail, or waking up in jail. She was hanging out with this sketchy guy (who is an ugly loner but we both considered a 'friend') and she left an open cooler un attended while he made her go upstairs to grab her something. I believe he put roofies in her drink.
This guy then took my car keys, and stole my car. He was later picked up and arrested for driving my car into a slew, and he had my car impounded.
I wish i never called the cops that night. I felt i had no other choice, but i could have just left our home and went for a walk while she chilled out or passed out, but i made it worse with name calling and threats of kicking her out on the street for stealing my car while i laid in bed recovering from a nose surgery and on a high dose of painkillers. I woke up at 3:30am and noticed she was gone and around 4:15 is when the cop came to my door and asked if i wanted to let her in or go to the drunk tank. I let her in. got my nose broken. and had her arrested.
Now two months later this no contact order is STILL ON even though she pleaded guilty and has to take a 6 month domestic abuse course. This fucking case worker said may 31'st it would be dropped, but now here i am on June 4th and she get's hauled away for prison for breaching her undertaking.
This is so fucked. I'm considering taking another 1mg of clonazepam because it's not helping with the anxiety (or depression) and i'm already on 3x my prescribed dose (1mg). I don't know what to do, she is just sitting in that rotten jail cell and i know exactly how bad it is because the lights are incredibly bright and you're basically sitting on a concrete floor with nothing to do. why did i have to park there?
After the cops left, i saw the window open on the third floor of an apartment building with the blinds open. I yelled FUCK YOU and then the person who called the cops came out. I just yelled 'NOW I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE' and i plan on getting revenge at some point tonight. It sure would suck to lose an entire balcony window now wouldn't it? Why did he have to complain? what were we doing? NOTHING. we were enjoying each others company and she was excited and showing me how her new full time job works. but now she's in jail indefinitely.
This is so fucked. The benzo's are only making me tired, not less anxious, and i can't fall asleep for 3 more hours because i need to call the police department at 10 to see if the Justice of Peace released her. (and the only reason they don't release people is if they're dangerous to the public, so if they remand her that is fucking bullshit.. if they do remand her she will be shackled and handcuffed and taken to the court house where she may be remanded for 7 more days.)
This is so fucked. I left the case worker a very agitated message and i had even wrote her a letter but she never looked at it. I can't help but feel responsible and empathetic for her. She was so depressed today, and we had plans to get her out of that house and have a day where just we hung out and nobody else, but that was shortly terminated by the police.
BULLSHIT
oh yeah, and after i came home crying after seeing my girlfriend get hauled away in cuffs my step dad decided to call me a pussy.
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