greenberryhaze
Bluelighter
So it was around two months ago I decided to make honest attempt to get to semi sober. Suprisingly Ive had some success this time and would like it to stay that way.
Drugs in question were Adderall/Vyvanse mostly, sometimes meth, but I would have done any stim I could get my hands on. I have a love affiair with stims, and I have gone through long periods where it seems like I'm using enough moderation that they help more than they hurt. Regardless, I almost certainly no longer have the ability to dose properly for more than a few days in a row, I would consistenly end up binging, at which point the life consequences can become severe.
Not using stims has been suprisingly easy so far. Everyone once in a while I get a 'wouldn't it be nice?' thought, but I'm quickly able to put it out of my head.... so far. The original plan was to quit pot and cigarettes as well. I lasted 24 hours for cigs and a couple of days for pot.
One problem: The initial motivation that provoked me to quit lasted for almost a month, destroying the old record btw. I make some life improvements like finding a decent job, eating decently, taking care of bills and whatnot promptly, not smoking too much pot, and keeping my house clean. I was still able to get stuff done despite sometimes feeling like shit. Now the motivation has mostly disappeared. I can't stop focusing on the bad parts of my life and my past mistakes. I'm shirking on the non job responsibilities. And this job which a lot of people would consider a sweet deal is meaningless to me, because one year previous I was on a much more exciting path.
Another problem: A big part off the reason I quit was to help with some borderline psychotic thoughts I was having. I figured this was from the stims and would go away quickly. Not the case. My thought patterns are much more organized, less obsessive, but the weird notions I had developed during the darker period are still with me and I am having a hard time dispelling them with rationality.
Oh, I should add: I have no support group, no close friends, no relationships outside work and family. I'm sure this is part of the problem but I don't know what to do about it.
I don't see myself using again any time soon, but if the mopyness holds up for a while, it's probably going to test my resolve more strongly.
Drugs in question were Adderall/Vyvanse mostly, sometimes meth, but I would have done any stim I could get my hands on. I have a love affiair with stims, and I have gone through long periods where it seems like I'm using enough moderation that they help more than they hurt. Regardless, I almost certainly no longer have the ability to dose properly for more than a few days in a row, I would consistenly end up binging, at which point the life consequences can become severe.
Not using stims has been suprisingly easy so far. Everyone once in a while I get a 'wouldn't it be nice?' thought, but I'm quickly able to put it out of my head.... so far. The original plan was to quit pot and cigarettes as well. I lasted 24 hours for cigs and a couple of days for pot.
One problem: The initial motivation that provoked me to quit lasted for almost a month, destroying the old record btw. I make some life improvements like finding a decent job, eating decently, taking care of bills and whatnot promptly, not smoking too much pot, and keeping my house clean. I was still able to get stuff done despite sometimes feeling like shit. Now the motivation has mostly disappeared. I can't stop focusing on the bad parts of my life and my past mistakes. I'm shirking on the non job responsibilities. And this job which a lot of people would consider a sweet deal is meaningless to me, because one year previous I was on a much more exciting path.
Another problem: A big part off the reason I quit was to help with some borderline psychotic thoughts I was having. I figured this was from the stims and would go away quickly. Not the case. My thought patterns are much more organized, less obsessive, but the weird notions I had developed during the darker period are still with me and I am having a hard time dispelling them with rationality.
Oh, I should add: I have no support group, no close friends, no relationships outside work and family. I'm sure this is part of the problem but I don't know what to do about it.
I don't see myself using again any time soon, but if the mopyness holds up for a while, it's probably going to test my resolve more strongly.
