Listen, I've got to swallow from tail to
head and back again, shed skin, annihilate
these figure eights within,
come full circle again, and I'm
a step away, you see I
bridged a hidden gap today that
I had left between me and you;
dropped the bomb and broke the ice today:
ice invisible to you.
And I was so suprised by your wide eyes.
You never put two and two together:
my interests and sleepless nights,
what it was that I lost my mind over.
So many times you could've realize it,
like when we both saw the shimmering,
red light hovering right above our yard
that September night.
Know that I tell you because I trust you.
That I need your help to get better.
To put an end to this. My verdict is I'm insane.
I tell you because I love you.
I tell you because if you or I were to die
tomorrow, I'd never want
to keep any of this from you.
I need you beside me all the way.
Look in my eyes and realize I've seen things
I cannot explain, and I've held my own
all this time, looking for answers in
every dark corner,
experiencing more in all it's wonder and horror,
trying with every inch and ounce of my soul
to nail down reality, to find a comfort
for my mind, to find a peace of mind, to
gather lost peices of my mind that I was so
certain they'd taken away.
Look in my eyes, see my weakness, my inability,
the reason that I keep me from Me,
these whirling winds within,
the ouroboros in me I'm plagued by,
my serpens candivorens,
Got to come full circle, or slow the
circling down,
got to spiral outward, or slow the
spiraling in.
Look in my eyes and see the
swirling, circling, spiraling
questions I can't find answers to.
Or maybe I'm the question seeking his answer,
maybe I'm the plaguing question and I need
rephrazing.
It's been eight years of juggling thoughts,
eight years of looking in literature,
being dragged in and out of
the unknown, the unbelievable,
the supernatural and insane.
Eight years that have worn me down,
eight years and now I'm more than ready for a
higher plane.
Eight years like a mobius strip,
a lemniscate,
a perpetual return,
yin and yang and back again,
getting lost in the eternal internal shuffle,
nigredo and solutio, back and fourth,
the black is surely blacker than black in my mind,
the snake has surely swallowed
it's tail this time,
getting to the end, ready to swallow
it's whole head,
I know I've got to change, and I'm ready
and Willing and it's all by my choice this time,
my world has gone really weird and my mind can't
take the pressure, back to the psychologist,
back to the meds, maybe this is all in my head,
maybe they're not real, I hope they're not real,
but I'm not the only one,
but maybe I'm not one, maybe I'm one of the ones
that think they've seen them but they're just
insane and found some unconscious reason
to hitch a ride on the cultural snowball.
I feel I've come so far, but it's all illusion.
Still as confused as always. Still as depressed.
Still as scared. Still seeing them. Still
slipping out, and now these strange kids...
I'm so cut off, so distant, I feel so different
and so fucking lonley,
I need my own apartment, to move out again,
to get a girl, to find love, or just
get laid again,
I need firm ground to come back to,
a life of my own and a mind on track, too,
I need to get where I want to go in life, which
is somewhere, dad, and anywhere maybe but here.
I need to shed this fucking skin,
to evolve out of these frightening visions,
to live the life and smell the roses
because if I'm wrong then I'm insane,
but if I'm right then we're all fucked,
either way the eight is a waste of time:
if I don't enjoy it all while it's still here,
or enjoy it all while I've still got a grip,
then just what in the bloody hell am I
fighting in my mind to save?
What in the hell am I so angry and hurt about?
I want to understand so bad,
but I need to find happiness, to feel again,
to fucking pull out of this, shed this skin,
gotta pull out of this, something's got to give,
albedo again, solutio times ten,
break the eternal routine, this can't be fate,
I've got to swallow from tail to head and back
again, shed skin, annihilate these figure eights
within, come full circle again, and I'm
a step closer today, I need your help again,
but it's my choice this time and I shared the
truth with you, unprovoked and untamed,
doesn't matter if they're in my head or if
it's all true, my verdict stands:
I'm just insane.
[ 09 January 2003: Message edited by: rewiiired ]
head and back again, shed skin, annihilate
these figure eights within,
come full circle again, and I'm
a step away, you see I
bridged a hidden gap today that
I had left between me and you;
dropped the bomb and broke the ice today:
ice invisible to you.
And I was so suprised by your wide eyes.
You never put two and two together:
my interests and sleepless nights,
what it was that I lost my mind over.
So many times you could've realize it,
like when we both saw the shimmering,
red light hovering right above our yard
that September night.
Know that I tell you because I trust you.
That I need your help to get better.
To put an end to this. My verdict is I'm insane.
I tell you because I love you.
I tell you because if you or I were to die
tomorrow, I'd never want
to keep any of this from you.
I need you beside me all the way.
Look in my eyes and realize I've seen things
I cannot explain, and I've held my own
all this time, looking for answers in
every dark corner,
experiencing more in all it's wonder and horror,
trying with every inch and ounce of my soul
to nail down reality, to find a comfort
for my mind, to find a peace of mind, to
gather lost peices of my mind that I was so
certain they'd taken away.
Look in my eyes, see my weakness, my inability,
the reason that I keep me from Me,
these whirling winds within,
the ouroboros in me I'm plagued by,
my serpens candivorens,
Got to come full circle, or slow the
circling down,
got to spiral outward, or slow the
spiraling in.
Look in my eyes and see the
swirling, circling, spiraling
questions I can't find answers to.
Or maybe I'm the question seeking his answer,
maybe I'm the plaguing question and I need
rephrazing.
It's been eight years of juggling thoughts,
eight years of looking in literature,
being dragged in and out of
the unknown, the unbelievable,
the supernatural and insane.
Eight years that have worn me down,
eight years and now I'm more than ready for a
higher plane.
Eight years like a mobius strip,
a lemniscate,
a perpetual return,
yin and yang and back again,
getting lost in the eternal internal shuffle,
nigredo and solutio, back and fourth,
the black is surely blacker than black in my mind,
the snake has surely swallowed
it's tail this time,
getting to the end, ready to swallow
it's whole head,
I know I've got to change, and I'm ready
and Willing and it's all by my choice this time,
my world has gone really weird and my mind can't
take the pressure, back to the psychologist,
back to the meds, maybe this is all in my head,
maybe they're not real, I hope they're not real,
but I'm not the only one,
but maybe I'm not one, maybe I'm one of the ones
that think they've seen them but they're just
insane and found some unconscious reason
to hitch a ride on the cultural snowball.
I feel I've come so far, but it's all illusion.
Still as confused as always. Still as depressed.
Still as scared. Still seeing them. Still
slipping out, and now these strange kids...
I'm so cut off, so distant, I feel so different
and so fucking lonley,
I need my own apartment, to move out again,
to get a girl, to find love, or just
get laid again,
I need firm ground to come back to,
a life of my own and a mind on track, too,
I need to get where I want to go in life, which
is somewhere, dad, and anywhere maybe but here.
I need to shed this fucking skin,
to evolve out of these frightening visions,
to live the life and smell the roses
because if I'm wrong then I'm insane,
but if I'm right then we're all fucked,
either way the eight is a waste of time:
if I don't enjoy it all while it's still here,
or enjoy it all while I've still got a grip,
then just what in the bloody hell am I
fighting in my mind to save?
What in the hell am I so angry and hurt about?
I want to understand so bad,
but I need to find happiness, to feel again,
to fucking pull out of this, shed this skin,
gotta pull out of this, something's got to give,
albedo again, solutio times ten,
break the eternal routine, this can't be fate,
I've got to swallow from tail to head and back
again, shed skin, annihilate these figure eights
within, come full circle again, and I'm
a step closer today, I need your help again,
but it's my choice this time and I shared the
truth with you, unprovoked and untamed,
doesn't matter if they're in my head or if
it's all true, my verdict stands:
I'm just insane.
[ 09 January 2003: Message edited by: rewiiired ]
