If you're not one for long winded stories that deviate off in a few ways then perhaps this thread isn't for you. If you're simply going to tell me stfu and stop being such a baby back bitch then good for you - I like seeing people occupy their lives by doing something intelligent, thoughtful and useful.
This saga began a few weekends ago at a party. I only knew a couple of people going to this party so decided to equip myself with certain things so that on the off chance I didn't meet any peeps I could relate to/get along with I'd still be having my own brand of fun.
As it turned out they were a mostly friendly bunch but not really in to the types of partying that I enjoy most. I'd dropped (mdma) in the car on the way there expecting big things and half expecting there to be at least a couple of others there that would wanna partake with me. I did my best to introduce myself to everyone and subtly let them know a party could be had if they wanted to hang out with me but no one was really interested - they were more of a smoking and drinking crowd. Didn't bother me so much cos hey, I like those things too, so I settled in, got acquainted, swapped some stories, sparked some doobies and proceeded on my merry way.
A little later in the evening as the alcohol started to take it's effect my 1 friend that I knew and who had invited me hit me up to come up to her bedroom away from prying eyes so her and her bf could join the roll down the gentle slope. As we came back downstairs to re-join the party I was introduced to two new arrivals, my recollection of those initial conversations was sketchy at best but largely unimportant anyway. I soon worked out that one of them was definitely the partying sort and as luck would have it, we got along like a house on fire. Before too long my friend n her bf had had their 2nd, I'd had my third and new girl (who we'll call.. fuck I dunno... Romelda) doubled up to catch up. We all re-joined the party and of course got seperated a bit but that was cool, I was having a grand old time getting to know all about all these people I'd only just met.
At one stage had another encounter with Romelda, she'd come over to I guess thank me for guaranteeing a good time for her; we got chatting again (wonder why) and had one of those moments where you're just looking at someone and verbalise how well you're able to communicate; we connected on a level that I could tell was a lot deeper than the chemicals coursing through our respective veins might lead one to assume. Before too long I'd had my fourth, she'd had her third and we shared a moment of realisation that we'd pretty much committed to being each others company til 6am or later which I was totally cool with cos I don't really know many intelligent, attractive, similarly minded females that are into taking as many drugs as I am.
Before we proceed any further I suppose this would be a good time to tell you all that I've been in a very happy relationship with a girl that I love and care for deeply for the past 18 months but she's not really in to drugs at all. Tolerant of them, will share a spliff with me and tried half tabs one time on holiday at the beach and another at a music festival (which turned her off them.. too overwhelming). She also is oversea's (3 month internship, 1 month holiday) and at the time of the party had been gone about 6 weeks.
The party began to run it's due course and fizzle out after a 2am visit from the boys in blue and then the skies opening up around 3am which forced everyone inside. People quickly began staking their claims on couches n whatnot and settled in for the night. Romelda and I were sitting with one another on this king single sized bed talking all kinds of smack and she was adding me on facebook on her phone and looking at my photos and stuff. There was another guy lying down on the bed "resting" or whatever but we weren't bothering one another. Eventually Romelda's mother instinct kicked into overdrive and she went around making sure people had water n pillows n stuff like that. She'd brought along some blankets and brought them over to our spot on the bed and spread them out - even went as far as undoing my shoelaces and taking my shoes off for me (whatever, saved me doing it were my thoughts lol). So there we were chopped off our heads watching tv and I could feel her hand starting to brush up against my leg under the blankets. Eventually it got decided that lights should go out n tv off so people could sleep. We lay down in the bed (sleep was never going to be an option though) and I was half spooning her mostly to avoid falling out of the bed (3 adults in a king single bed). We were doing our best to keep conversation to a whisper but people were definitely on to us, I know I didn't imagine hearing "hook up" a couple of times from whoever whoever.
Eventually she rolled over to face me in the bed - there I was lying there looking straight into the massively dilated eyes of this beautiful mess listening to her breathe and I just knew somewhere deep within myself I wanted to kiss her. Annnnndddd so I did. She stopped me after about 10 seconds and said "You'll regret this", I remember my words because it felt like I had no control over saying them "I'd regret it more if we stop here". We lay there kissing/cuddling for the next few minutes until I unceremoniously fell off the bed. After regathering myself I decided I was in dire need of a joint and invited her to join. We went outside under the small covered area and burst into flames, I claimed my rollers rights and then passed it to her, she took a couple of puffs and then leaned in to exhale the smoke in to my mouth. I got one of those spine shivers but I couldn't pinpoint whether it was caused by the mdma, the weed, the fact it was 4:20am raining and winter or feelings of attraction toward Romelda. Reflection in hindsight tells me it was probably a combination. Anyway.
So that kinda instigated a makeout session for the ages stopping occasionally to come up for thc laden air. After the joint was out she suggested we take our socks off and go out for a walk through the surrounding streets in the rain. Every part of me agreed with this despite the obvious discomfort it was bound to bring (ie being cold and wet). So off we went into the streets. I can't remember most of what was said other than I know we talked about growing up and our lives as children and school and that kinda thing we did agree however that perhaps we'd gotten a little caught up in the moment and shouldn't "do" anything else. It was just a really beautiful moment in my life holding hands with this awesome girl and being able to maturely talk about what had just happened and the ramifications all while super off guts and walking barefoot down the middle of the street in the rain. It's something I know I'll take with me to the grave.
What happened next however made my brain melt. We got back to the house maybe 45 mins later and sat around for a bit in the bombsite of a backyard sipping water and staring off into oblivion before the rain started to get a bit too heavy and we migrated inside. We climbed back into the bed from earlier and again I was half spooning her again to avoid experiencing gravity's wrath once again. Next thing I know I felt a hand brush over my hand, thought I imagined it and tried to close my eyes. Felt it again and then could hear the unmistakeable sound of kissing coming from 40cm away. My initial thought was "You gotta be fucking shitting me" then followed up by a thought of "No really, you gotta be FARRKING shitting me". I contemplated ignoring it for the sake of some semi-decent shut eye but then realised how incredibly awkward it was still being in that bed. I felt Romelda inch her way back a bit as if to force me out of the bed and once again, I became gravity's bitch. It must have been a decent thump cos she stopped swung around and enquired as to whether or not I was ok - naturally I lied, muttered something along the lines of "you two kids have fun" and scrambled over to the esky to raid it's remaining contents (yep, ashamed to say I was that guy that stole someone else's drinks at a party....). I just really, really needed a drink though.
I left the room went to the kitchen and nailed 4 cans of bourbon one after the other in the time it normally takes me to finish one. My drugs were wearing off, I'd run out of weed, I fucking hate bourbon, Romelda was busy getting finger mashed and tongued by some dude I thought was well and truly passed out, everyone else was unconscious - more or less my reality was crumbling all around me and I didn't know what to do. Thought about calling a cab but it would have been like a $60 fare home which I couldn't afford cos I had a lot of leftovers that I kinda assumed I would have been able to get rid of quite easily at the party. Had to sit around awkwardly in the same room til 9am when a mate came to gimme a lift and save the day. In that time mostly everyone woke up - I was cheerin' when someone who'd been asleep upstairs came down with a bong and bowl (there is a god) and allowed me to join him. I can't recall ever feeling quite so awkward or excluded and unwelcome as I did in that room -sure I was coming down hard n all but I've had much worse than that. Pretty much all the people that were asleep on the couches/floor were friends of the guy who'd hooked up with Romelda after me - when she went to take a shower they all started collectively hanging shit on him and teasing him a bit "Why was her belt and jeans undone" that kinda shit. I guess I was a bit jealous, even though I had no right to be. It felt an awful lot like a betrayal as well. I was running a million and one scenario's through my head, don't think I spoke at all right up until I left (and even then that was kinda just an indirect "laterz" as I stepped out the door). Romelda was avoiding eye contact of course so I figured she may have felt a touch of guilt for what she'd done (her redeeming factor really). No one else other than the guy with the bong even acknowledged my presence (don't think I'll be partying with that crew again in a hurry). Only time we conversed was when I gave her back her studded leather collar that she'd put on me hours earlier and goes without saying, that was awkward too.
Determined to be the bigger person out of all of this I wrote her a message on fb while I was sitting there bored for hours thanking her for a fun night and general keep in touch bullshit. Totally expecting to never hear from her again.
To my surprise she replied later that night with what I believed to be quite a genuine reply which made me think that perhaps I'd been too hasty in dismissing her like that. I went over to my best mates house and told him what had happened as we punched down many a cone. I had an epiphany of sorts and realised all the dangerous thoughts I was having, the jealousy, the "betrayal" not once had I really stopped to consider how my girlfriend would feel about any of this, I had technically cheated on her after all. I still haven't told her because there's no way I could do that kinda thing over skype or whatever and she's not back for another 2 months. But at the same time I'm not sure I even want or need to because I don't feel guilty about what I did (which annoyingly enough, makes me feel something resembling guilt... for not feeling guilty, fucked, I know) - the moment we shared was pretty damn amazing, drugs unrelated, I've only felt that way about 2 other girls in my lifetime, 1 is my current girl and the other my first ever serious girlfriend. The deeply skeptical part of me however tries to rationalize it off as just fixated lust on one that "got away" so I'm really left not knowing what to believe anymore.
This matter then complicated itself even further after a couple of lengthy back and forth facebook messages where we established that neither of us regretted it and then friendship was something we wanted to pursue because we connect and get along so well and have many similar interests. If I'm being honest with myself Romelda writes more "intelligently" (I couldn't think of a better word) than my girlfriend does - because of her experience with psychadelics her minds a lot more inquisitive and she understands the nuances and subtleties of the humour I try and include in my written work whereas I wouldn't bother if writing to my girlfriend because most of it would fly over her head (not that she's dumb by any means, her mind just hasn't quite been unlocked and explored through psychadelic use like mine and Romelda's so it limits me a bit). To my surprise and delight Romelda msg'd me a link to the Myers Briggs Typological Indicator test cos she was curious to know my "type" thinking I'd perhaps be unaware of it (known about it for years, which made me find it all the more impressive cos I'm a believer in it's accuracy and merit for learning about oneself). I'm ENFJ she's INFP if anyone else happens to know/care. Funnily enough according to the extensively researched writings an ENFJ's best relationship match is someone who is INFP. I'm not daft enough to take that to mean I should call it off with my gf and pursue a relationship with Romelda by any stretch of the imagination but it did start throwing a whole heap more "What If" and "What Might Have Been" and "What may still be" scenario's around my head which frankly, is just suffocating me. I tend to pride myself as someone who isn't plagued with indecision or irrational thought patterns but now that it's actually happening to me I don't know what to do, and it's a little scary.
Fast forward to today and I can tell you I've made plans to see her again, nice and non threatening (and sober importantly) museum visit probably followed by lunch. I have a lot of questions and comments I feel I need to get off my chest with her and in person was going to be better than continual back and forth facebook essays. I know some of you may think I've already moved on and deep down want to be with this girl and you may well be right, that much remains unclear. I'm not convinced in myself yet as I don't know whether it's lust, a desire for a friend on the same wavelength as me or an event in the past I can't get over and need closure on. Either way I know I still love my girlfriend and would hate myself for ever if I broke her heart like that, but as I'm often reminded sometimes you just gotta be selfish in love as it's your heart on the line.
If you've made it this far then I wanna stop you right there and just say thank you for being such a terrific human being worthy of my most sincere commendation, I'm honored that you relinquished your most precious resource (time) to read about the trials and tribulations of a random forum user come mild drug abuser from the land downunder. I believe that empathy is as important in this life as love is so if anyone at all has some wisdom they can impart on my situation you will have my most humble gratitude and appreciation. Even a "dat shyts fkd bro" would mean a lot (so at least I'm not the only one thinking it haha). Also if anyone has gone through something similar and needs to get it off their chest (private msg or otherwise) I'll be happy to repay the favour and offer advice or comfort where I can
. This started out as a journal entry but half way through I realised what's the point if I'm the only one that's ever going to read it.
You're all awesome and I love you all for who you are and the many great and beautiful contributions you make to this world,
Nuk0.
This saga began a few weekends ago at a party. I only knew a couple of people going to this party so decided to equip myself with certain things so that on the off chance I didn't meet any peeps I could relate to/get along with I'd still be having my own brand of fun.
As it turned out they were a mostly friendly bunch but not really in to the types of partying that I enjoy most. I'd dropped (mdma) in the car on the way there expecting big things and half expecting there to be at least a couple of others there that would wanna partake with me. I did my best to introduce myself to everyone and subtly let them know a party could be had if they wanted to hang out with me but no one was really interested - they were more of a smoking and drinking crowd. Didn't bother me so much cos hey, I like those things too, so I settled in, got acquainted, swapped some stories, sparked some doobies and proceeded on my merry way.
A little later in the evening as the alcohol started to take it's effect my 1 friend that I knew and who had invited me hit me up to come up to her bedroom away from prying eyes so her and her bf could join the roll down the gentle slope. As we came back downstairs to re-join the party I was introduced to two new arrivals, my recollection of those initial conversations was sketchy at best but largely unimportant anyway. I soon worked out that one of them was definitely the partying sort and as luck would have it, we got along like a house on fire. Before too long my friend n her bf had had their 2nd, I'd had my third and new girl (who we'll call.. fuck I dunno... Romelda) doubled up to catch up. We all re-joined the party and of course got seperated a bit but that was cool, I was having a grand old time getting to know all about all these people I'd only just met.
At one stage had another encounter with Romelda, she'd come over to I guess thank me for guaranteeing a good time for her; we got chatting again (wonder why) and had one of those moments where you're just looking at someone and verbalise how well you're able to communicate; we connected on a level that I could tell was a lot deeper than the chemicals coursing through our respective veins might lead one to assume. Before too long I'd had my fourth, she'd had her third and we shared a moment of realisation that we'd pretty much committed to being each others company til 6am or later which I was totally cool with cos I don't really know many intelligent, attractive, similarly minded females that are into taking as many drugs as I am.
Before we proceed any further I suppose this would be a good time to tell you all that I've been in a very happy relationship with a girl that I love and care for deeply for the past 18 months but she's not really in to drugs at all. Tolerant of them, will share a spliff with me and tried half tabs one time on holiday at the beach and another at a music festival (which turned her off them.. too overwhelming). She also is oversea's (3 month internship, 1 month holiday) and at the time of the party had been gone about 6 weeks.
The party began to run it's due course and fizzle out after a 2am visit from the boys in blue and then the skies opening up around 3am which forced everyone inside. People quickly began staking their claims on couches n whatnot and settled in for the night. Romelda and I were sitting with one another on this king single sized bed talking all kinds of smack and she was adding me on facebook on her phone and looking at my photos and stuff. There was another guy lying down on the bed "resting" or whatever but we weren't bothering one another. Eventually Romelda's mother instinct kicked into overdrive and she went around making sure people had water n pillows n stuff like that. She'd brought along some blankets and brought them over to our spot on the bed and spread them out - even went as far as undoing my shoelaces and taking my shoes off for me (whatever, saved me doing it were my thoughts lol). So there we were chopped off our heads watching tv and I could feel her hand starting to brush up against my leg under the blankets. Eventually it got decided that lights should go out n tv off so people could sleep. We lay down in the bed (sleep was never going to be an option though) and I was half spooning her mostly to avoid falling out of the bed (3 adults in a king single bed). We were doing our best to keep conversation to a whisper but people were definitely on to us, I know I didn't imagine hearing "hook up" a couple of times from whoever whoever.
Eventually she rolled over to face me in the bed - there I was lying there looking straight into the massively dilated eyes of this beautiful mess listening to her breathe and I just knew somewhere deep within myself I wanted to kiss her. Annnnndddd so I did. She stopped me after about 10 seconds and said "You'll regret this", I remember my words because it felt like I had no control over saying them "I'd regret it more if we stop here". We lay there kissing/cuddling for the next few minutes until I unceremoniously fell off the bed. After regathering myself I decided I was in dire need of a joint and invited her to join. We went outside under the small covered area and burst into flames, I claimed my rollers rights and then passed it to her, she took a couple of puffs and then leaned in to exhale the smoke in to my mouth. I got one of those spine shivers but I couldn't pinpoint whether it was caused by the mdma, the weed, the fact it was 4:20am raining and winter or feelings of attraction toward Romelda. Reflection in hindsight tells me it was probably a combination. Anyway.
So that kinda instigated a makeout session for the ages stopping occasionally to come up for thc laden air. After the joint was out she suggested we take our socks off and go out for a walk through the surrounding streets in the rain. Every part of me agreed with this despite the obvious discomfort it was bound to bring (ie being cold and wet). So off we went into the streets. I can't remember most of what was said other than I know we talked about growing up and our lives as children and school and that kinda thing we did agree however that perhaps we'd gotten a little caught up in the moment and shouldn't "do" anything else. It was just a really beautiful moment in my life holding hands with this awesome girl and being able to maturely talk about what had just happened and the ramifications all while super off guts and walking barefoot down the middle of the street in the rain. It's something I know I'll take with me to the grave.
What happened next however made my brain melt. We got back to the house maybe 45 mins later and sat around for a bit in the bombsite of a backyard sipping water and staring off into oblivion before the rain started to get a bit too heavy and we migrated inside. We climbed back into the bed from earlier and again I was half spooning her again to avoid experiencing gravity's wrath once again. Next thing I know I felt a hand brush over my hand, thought I imagined it and tried to close my eyes. Felt it again and then could hear the unmistakeable sound of kissing coming from 40cm away. My initial thought was "You gotta be fucking shitting me" then followed up by a thought of "No really, you gotta be FARRKING shitting me". I contemplated ignoring it for the sake of some semi-decent shut eye but then realised how incredibly awkward it was still being in that bed. I felt Romelda inch her way back a bit as if to force me out of the bed and once again, I became gravity's bitch. It must have been a decent thump cos she stopped swung around and enquired as to whether or not I was ok - naturally I lied, muttered something along the lines of "you two kids have fun" and scrambled over to the esky to raid it's remaining contents (yep, ashamed to say I was that guy that stole someone else's drinks at a party....). I just really, really needed a drink though.
I left the room went to the kitchen and nailed 4 cans of bourbon one after the other in the time it normally takes me to finish one. My drugs were wearing off, I'd run out of weed, I fucking hate bourbon, Romelda was busy getting finger mashed and tongued by some dude I thought was well and truly passed out, everyone else was unconscious - more or less my reality was crumbling all around me and I didn't know what to do. Thought about calling a cab but it would have been like a $60 fare home which I couldn't afford cos I had a lot of leftovers that I kinda assumed I would have been able to get rid of quite easily at the party. Had to sit around awkwardly in the same room til 9am when a mate came to gimme a lift and save the day. In that time mostly everyone woke up - I was cheerin' when someone who'd been asleep upstairs came down with a bong and bowl (there is a god) and allowed me to join him. I can't recall ever feeling quite so awkward or excluded and unwelcome as I did in that room -sure I was coming down hard n all but I've had much worse than that. Pretty much all the people that were asleep on the couches/floor were friends of the guy who'd hooked up with Romelda after me - when she went to take a shower they all started collectively hanging shit on him and teasing him a bit "Why was her belt and jeans undone" that kinda shit. I guess I was a bit jealous, even though I had no right to be. It felt an awful lot like a betrayal as well. I was running a million and one scenario's through my head, don't think I spoke at all right up until I left (and even then that was kinda just an indirect "laterz" as I stepped out the door). Romelda was avoiding eye contact of course so I figured she may have felt a touch of guilt for what she'd done (her redeeming factor really). No one else other than the guy with the bong even acknowledged my presence (don't think I'll be partying with that crew again in a hurry). Only time we conversed was when I gave her back her studded leather collar that she'd put on me hours earlier and goes without saying, that was awkward too.
Determined to be the bigger person out of all of this I wrote her a message on fb while I was sitting there bored for hours thanking her for a fun night and general keep in touch bullshit. Totally expecting to never hear from her again.
To my surprise she replied later that night with what I believed to be quite a genuine reply which made me think that perhaps I'd been too hasty in dismissing her like that. I went over to my best mates house and told him what had happened as we punched down many a cone. I had an epiphany of sorts and realised all the dangerous thoughts I was having, the jealousy, the "betrayal" not once had I really stopped to consider how my girlfriend would feel about any of this, I had technically cheated on her after all. I still haven't told her because there's no way I could do that kinda thing over skype or whatever and she's not back for another 2 months. But at the same time I'm not sure I even want or need to because I don't feel guilty about what I did (which annoyingly enough, makes me feel something resembling guilt... for not feeling guilty, fucked, I know) - the moment we shared was pretty damn amazing, drugs unrelated, I've only felt that way about 2 other girls in my lifetime, 1 is my current girl and the other my first ever serious girlfriend. The deeply skeptical part of me however tries to rationalize it off as just fixated lust on one that "got away" so I'm really left not knowing what to believe anymore.
This matter then complicated itself even further after a couple of lengthy back and forth facebook messages where we established that neither of us regretted it and then friendship was something we wanted to pursue because we connect and get along so well and have many similar interests. If I'm being honest with myself Romelda writes more "intelligently" (I couldn't think of a better word) than my girlfriend does - because of her experience with psychadelics her minds a lot more inquisitive and she understands the nuances and subtleties of the humour I try and include in my written work whereas I wouldn't bother if writing to my girlfriend because most of it would fly over her head (not that she's dumb by any means, her mind just hasn't quite been unlocked and explored through psychadelic use like mine and Romelda's so it limits me a bit). To my surprise and delight Romelda msg'd me a link to the Myers Briggs Typological Indicator test cos she was curious to know my "type" thinking I'd perhaps be unaware of it (known about it for years, which made me find it all the more impressive cos I'm a believer in it's accuracy and merit for learning about oneself). I'm ENFJ she's INFP if anyone else happens to know/care. Funnily enough according to the extensively researched writings an ENFJ's best relationship match is someone who is INFP. I'm not daft enough to take that to mean I should call it off with my gf and pursue a relationship with Romelda by any stretch of the imagination but it did start throwing a whole heap more "What If" and "What Might Have Been" and "What may still be" scenario's around my head which frankly, is just suffocating me. I tend to pride myself as someone who isn't plagued with indecision or irrational thought patterns but now that it's actually happening to me I don't know what to do, and it's a little scary.
Fast forward to today and I can tell you I've made plans to see her again, nice and non threatening (and sober importantly) museum visit probably followed by lunch. I have a lot of questions and comments I feel I need to get off my chest with her and in person was going to be better than continual back and forth facebook essays. I know some of you may think I've already moved on and deep down want to be with this girl and you may well be right, that much remains unclear. I'm not convinced in myself yet as I don't know whether it's lust, a desire for a friend on the same wavelength as me or an event in the past I can't get over and need closure on. Either way I know I still love my girlfriend and would hate myself for ever if I broke her heart like that, but as I'm often reminded sometimes you just gotta be selfish in love as it's your heart on the line.
If you've made it this far then I wanna stop you right there and just say thank you for being such a terrific human being worthy of my most sincere commendation, I'm honored that you relinquished your most precious resource (time) to read about the trials and tribulations of a random forum user come mild drug abuser from the land downunder. I believe that empathy is as important in this life as love is so if anyone at all has some wisdom they can impart on my situation you will have my most humble gratitude and appreciation. Even a "dat shyts fkd bro" would mean a lot (so at least I'm not the only one thinking it haha). Also if anyone has gone through something similar and needs to get it off their chest (private msg or otherwise) I'll be happy to repay the favour and offer advice or comfort where I can
. This started out as a journal entry but half way through I realised what's the point if I'm the only one that's ever going to read it.You're all awesome and I love you all for who you are and the many great and beautiful contributions you make to this world,
Nuk0.
