I guess things are over now. I wrote a few bits in my notebook over the past few weeks, and decided to put them up here.
do not call me strong for holding out so long
i dragged it out and i was wrong.
i was just waiting, waiting for a change
as time went on our relationship grew more strange.
confused our families, created strife
but for those twelve short months we were living our life.
i would never let go, never give in
have i ever? i do not know how long it's been.
i'm a sucker for pain,
and have always liked to walk and cry in the rain.
did i ever truly love you? yes but in not
the same way you love me. i couldn't give the love you so desperately sought.
i would lay in my bed, you staying over those nights my parents were away.
i wanted you to hold me, to coax me to sleep,
you wanted so much more "let yourself go" you'd say.
my mind knew what my heart would not admit
our friendship - perfect, but in a relationship we would never totally fit.
---
I get these emails from you know, blaming me for all that is wrong with me, as if I don't know already. Yes, I know I'm emotionally unavailable. I hide behind emails? Yeah, that's me. Totally accepting you, or anyone, in a relationship is not and was not something I could ever do. Would you prefer it be an uphill battle, with you begging me to touch and love you? I can't do this right now. Just please, let me be.
---
I could go without you, but could not go with out talking to you. You need me on some deep level I have never felt and so misunderstand. Your craving drives me away. I fear being trapped and caught, my options closed. For now, I can do things without you. But I need to share the things with you in some form. Our needs are different, the goal the same. Understanding and appreciation of differences must equal respect. Respect equals love, right? So does this mean I love you?
see you soon.
we'll meet again, exchange contemplative looks.
crossed arms. void filling laughter.
but I doubt we'll ever go back.
I'll think of you when I look up at the moon.
see you soon.
I was so jealous of your growth. Your successes.
You are a better person now, then when we first met. But what of me? What did I get in return?
how did I grow?
I cried out for fulfillment. New experiences? You gave me movie quotes and music.
I need something more.
I wanted so badly to feel the love you feel for me.
I fought to love you, despite our families.
I tried to return the passion, tried to make myself believe.
In the end, it was easier just to leave.
It's amazing
How you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and lose it all
It's unnerving
How just one move puts me by myself
There you go just trusting someone else
Now I know I put us both through hell
I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me
But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out
It's aggravating
How you threw me on and you tore me out
How your good intentions turn to doubt
The way you needed time to sort it out
I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me
But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out
I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out
Tell me is that how it's going to end
When you know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
And the one you're leaving out
do not call me strong for holding out so long
i dragged it out and i was wrong.
i was just waiting, waiting for a change
as time went on our relationship grew more strange.
confused our families, created strife
but for those twelve short months we were living our life.
i would never let go, never give in
have i ever? i do not know how long it's been.
i'm a sucker for pain,
and have always liked to walk and cry in the rain.
did i ever truly love you? yes but in not
the same way you love me. i couldn't give the love you so desperately sought.
i would lay in my bed, you staying over those nights my parents were away.
i wanted you to hold me, to coax me to sleep,
you wanted so much more "let yourself go" you'd say.
my mind knew what my heart would not admit
our friendship - perfect, but in a relationship we would never totally fit.
---
I get these emails from you know, blaming me for all that is wrong with me, as if I don't know already. Yes, I know I'm emotionally unavailable. I hide behind emails? Yeah, that's me. Totally accepting you, or anyone, in a relationship is not and was not something I could ever do. Would you prefer it be an uphill battle, with you begging me to touch and love you? I can't do this right now. Just please, let me be.
---
I could go without you, but could not go with out talking to you. You need me on some deep level I have never felt and so misunderstand. Your craving drives me away. I fear being trapped and caught, my options closed. For now, I can do things without you. But I need to share the things with you in some form. Our needs are different, the goal the same. Understanding and appreciation of differences must equal respect. Respect equals love, right? So does this mean I love you?
see you soon.
we'll meet again, exchange contemplative looks.
crossed arms. void filling laughter.
but I doubt we'll ever go back.
I'll think of you when I look up at the moon.
see you soon.
I was so jealous of your growth. Your successes.
You are a better person now, then when we first met. But what of me? What did I get in return?
how did I grow?
I cried out for fulfillment. New experiences? You gave me movie quotes and music.
I need something more.
I wanted so badly to feel the love you feel for me.
I fought to love you, despite our families.
I tried to return the passion, tried to make myself believe.
In the end, it was easier just to leave.
It's amazing
How you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and lose it all
It's unnerving
How just one move puts me by myself
There you go just trusting someone else
Now I know I put us both through hell
I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me
But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out
It's aggravating
How you threw me on and you tore me out
How your good intentions turn to doubt
The way you needed time to sort it out
I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me
But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out
I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out
Tell me is that how it's going to end
When you know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
And the one you're leaving out
