missing the misery a fucking oxymoron

[pillman1224]

was reading some of the shit negrogesic (older Bler) had to go through with benzos for sleep as i am in a similar just less severe situation and it got me thinking. sometimes i miss the lifestyle of using. it was weird 2 days ago in Cumberland,MD (which has changed in the past 3 months the parish the my late grandma built for the pastor of the church which she also built was broken in while the pastors kids were home. my how criminals have changed) i was at my grandmas viewing and had to kind of sneak out for a cig as my grandpa doesnt know i smoke for that matter doesnt know my dad drinks every night night or at all. well it got kinda late and as i said Cumberland has turned into well mini Bmore. i never scored pills in the ghetto but saw lookout boys and dealers ya know when the sun goes down. it made me miss everything about opiates even the Wds why is that.

i want to apologize for the rambling as my mind is running 1000mph right now and i cant shut it off must be PAWs i dont fucking know anymore. i just want this to be over.

 

[neversickanymore]

Memory is a strange thing. Its placid.. it changes. As time goes on we only remember the good things. When it comes to reward based memories or memories based off of dopamine release they can be totally inaccurate.. to the point of being fantasy. A fantasy wielded upon us to drive behavior.

Here is a great example,
A longitudinal study of women’s memory of labour pain—from 2 months to 5 years after the birth

All you all better give credit where its due

 

[cj]

I know what you mean pillman. At the end of the day I find myself missing the chase more than I miss the high. Nothing in my life gives me anticipation like I would get before scoring.

 

[pillman1224]

some days i miss it some i dont. a real craving and i smoke weed. which i have been using to get off benzos. these fuckers take time. i hate having to justify that to some people. (classmates in NA no offense)

 

[withlove]

for me i miss it sometimes because it was simple in a way, a single focus and i knew what to expect. all the mental math, money math, dose math, how long til i need more math.
but it took up all the space in my brain and i didnt have to pay attention to anything else. i hated it a lot of the time but i knew it and it was predictable. and in a lot of ways it was easier than real life, in other ways not. but ya know.
xo

 

[pillman1224]

for me i miss it sometimes because it was simple in a way, a single focus and i knew what to expect. all the mental math, money math, dose math, how long til i need more math.
but it took up all the space in my brain and i didnt have to pay attention to anything else. i hated it a lot of the time but i knew it and it was predictable. and in a lot of ways it was easier than real life, in other ways not. but ya know.
xo

stressed to the max for college work which isnt even that much. im so used to using opiates to help with work (they made me more productive) i know i cant do that. the mental,money,dose math holy shit was that through my head all the time. yes i know all about state-dependent learning, its a possibility i just hope im not going nuts.

 

[manboychef]

Did you ever feel a better high when you were on your way to the dopeman with cash in hand than after you used?

This happened to me everytime. I built up the high in my mind, especially after being sober for a while, that when I finally used it was extremely underwhelming.

What you are experiencing is PAWS. I would suggest when you have those urges to write about it in a journal. Writing it out helped me use up enough time for me to think through to the underwhelming high I was practically guaranteed. Seeing a therapist and taking part in talk therapy was also helpful. I haven't seen my therapist in a while but I still think about what he taught me. It is important to think through each of your thoughts to their likely conclusion.

 

[pillman1224]

Did you ever feel a better high when you were on your way to the dopeman with cash in hand than after you used?

This happened to me everytime. I built up the high in my mind, especially after being sober for a while, that when I finally used it was extremely underwhelming.

What you are experiencing is PAWS. I would suggest when you have those urges to write about it in a journal. Writing it out helped me use up enough time for me to think through to the underwhelming high I was practically guaranteed. Seeing a therapist and taking part in talk therapy was also helpful. I haven't seen my therapist in a while but I still think about what he taught me. It is important to think through each of your thoughts to their likely conclusion.

the first question i cant answer because well i never went to the "dopeman" no specifics but it was very cheap. its not about the high its about the fact that on opiates even though my grandma died (her funeral was my 30th day off opiates) i would have had 2 weeks for worth of this bullshit done in a day or 2. yeah have i considered talking with my therapist yeah. he would pull my off my benzos which i need for sleep if he even got i hint i was abusing opiates. not too many docs write for 90 klonopin and 30 30mg temazepam for a 19 y/o male. im fucked was i meant to be a user? all throughout life it was some drug elementary- 7th grade i was an adderall zombie, rest of middle school was opiates/benzos/alcohol/. highschool was an alcoholic point is i have ALWAYS been on some drug. i actually do write stuff down on a post note so i dont forget. this generally occurs when PAWS hits and i smoke weed, i will write down my thoughts and practice them sober. its how i started going to the gym. hope that weed part didnt trigger anyone still getting used to this forum. day 41 off dont wanna screw that up