yoUr bLiSS
Bluelighter
You were one of the first ones I ever met. Back in the beginning. Back when I was still starstruck. It was in Indianopolis at TGI Fridays, the night before our first show. I distinctly remember your curly hair, it was poking out from under a brown knit beanie. You were drinking an amber colored beer. I babbled on about our bus catastrophe. You listened and laughed. From then on I met many many more, I grew jaded to it. Even the super high profile ones did not phase me. I never did get the fuss. Brandon was not that hot and Dave was a bit cheesy to me. But you...something about you stuck. I saw you several times in several cities after that. Usually in catering. We would even make eye contact. I sensed your presence around quite a bit. I noticed you always seemed to eat alone, while I was always sourrounded by people.
Albuquerque, New Mexico changed everything.
It was the day of the night of the full moon. We thought we were lost. We always stayed in the most luxurious downtown metropolitan areas. We had now been driving for quite some time in the middle of absolutley nowhere. How strange yet how beautiful when we finally found it. A heavenly resort in the middle of the desert. A nice change from the skyscrapers. It was a crazy idea I thought when I first heard it. Could we really pull it off??? A full moon party? Here? Of course the setting is perfect, but will people come?
I was a bit drunk I must admit when I stumbled into it. Too much of that damn Everclear beforehand. I heard our sound system thumping softly somewhere just outside the hotel. It was perfect really. Everyone from the tour was there. EVERYONE. I saw you about an hour before the collision occured. I was dancing my ass off as usual. Christian was playing some really good psy-trance. I was about to dance on over to your side of the desert when I got sidetracked by the "Truth" kids. The truth kids rocked. So what if I felt guilty smoking around them. Their energy was contagious. Momentarily, I forgot about you. And then all of a sudden it happened. A head on collision of energy. An instant merging of souls. For three hours I danced like I have never danced before. I suppose you did as well. I was told later we caused quite a spectacle. At the time we didn't seem to notice. We were one and the same. Connection through movement. Body, spirit and mind on the same channel, riding the same wavelength. It was stronger then anything I have ever felt. We needed no words at the time. Words would have complicated and muddled things up. I could compare it to the feeling and connection of being on E for the first time, though neither of us had taken anything of the sort.
When our physical bodies could no longer keep up with our spirit, we sat down to rest. Somehow the people left, the party ended. We sat side by side staring up at the moon holding hands. Sometimes it was my head on your shoulder, sometimes yours on mine. To my relief, our connection was just as strong through conversation as it was through movement. We spoke of music, dance and life. Had you not already stolen my heart, I would have thrown it at you the moment you busted out with old cure lyrics. "I've met my soulmate" I thought giddily to myself. You remembered me from that very first night in Indianopolis. You mentioned seeing me in catering just as I had seen you. You had even been out and seen one of my shows. The"Superhero" show. I glowed inside at the thought of you seeing me in my element with me being completely unaware. The sky began to grow light. Though it felt like a perfect dream, the reality was that in 1 hour I had to wake up for an early bus call and bust ass performing all day. This really did not matter, I was going to walk on clouds all day. Who needs sleep for that? Arm in arm we made our way back to the hotel skipping down hallways till we got to my room. With just one shy kiss goodbye you were gone. I did not bother with exchanging numbers or making future plans, I would see you later on today, there was no doubt in my mind.
I kept an eye out for you all day. I lingered extra long in catering. I saw you walk in at one point, only to walk right out. Another time I walked in and you were already there. I grabbed my 2'nd helping of unwanted strawberry cheescake turned around to find you, and you had gone. Two more shows went by and there was no trace of you. I could not, would not and did not understand why. I searched the crowd for you constantly. With the exception of catering, there was no way for me to really get to you. Yet I was easy to get to. Where were you? What about Albuquerque? It hurt inside like nothing had ever hurt before. It was San Diego when I finally heard. Nancy had seen you. You had mentioned how happy you were to have seen your two kids. Two kids?!?!?! Four years old, and seven months old. Frustration changed to realization. It made sense now. It all made sense.
San Francisco passed and though the memory still lingered, I had stopped looking for you. It was Salt Lake City that you found me... or I should say we found each other. I would recognize a Cure song anywhere. I ran out to the "jam room" to see a band warming up to "Fascination Street" Not wanting to cause a spectacle I danced in my head until I felt a presence behind me. "I heard the Cure and was drawn over here" you said. I said nothing. You knew I was there for the same reason . Ever since the full moon, I had been carrying my card on a safety pin around my pass. With a head full of "what ifs" and "if onlys" I ripped it off and handed it to you. Boldly I invited you to our parties in L.A. and to hang out. You seemed to really be into that. You took the card with my info, but offered none in return. I saw you next in Seattle. Once again enamored by you I lingered just long enough to catch you. It was quite silly pretending not to notice you in hopes that you would come sit by me. And you did. You ate only vegetables. Why is it that I always notice such silly details about you? You wore a simple black cotton t-shirt, vans and shorts. Your style had a bit of a late 80's look to it. It was adorable. I felt a bit overdone in my costume and make-up. We made small talk and I invited you to our main show. You said you would definitely try to make it. Backstage I bounced off the walls. Millions of butterflies watiting to explode. I peeked outside(how very professional) several times until I saw you in the crowd. Breathe. Just breathe. You can do this. It was one of our best shows ever. Afterwards you were nowhere. But you were there and that was what mattered. That night I watched you onstage. You can only see you well from certain angles in certain light. Familiar with your energy, I could tell the songs you really got into. Sometimes he would introduce you, sometimes he would not. I could have cared less about the "official" memebers. I only watched you.
The story ends in Portland. The last show. The end of the road. Little Nancy pants bless her heart came running up to tell me you were sitting all alone in catering. Instantly I was hungry again. I found you and we talked. You really liked my show. You asked more and more about what I did. I felt good about our conversation. That night was the big farewell backstage party. They were using our sound and Christian was going to spin. The rest of the day flew by in anticipation. I could not wait to dance with you again. The party was everything it should have been. Free drinks, rockstars and even rockstars spinning. What more could you want? I could have cared less about all of that. Fuck all the glam, glitz and schmoozing. I just wanted to dance with you again. That's all I wanted....
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"it's like meeting the man of your dreams....then meeting his beautiful wife"
Could it really be more fucking ironic??? I shake my head laughing instead of crying because there is no way in hell it ever could be. I mean what are the chances? I am tied to those words in ways I could never say. It's ridiculous really. I stare at her picture right above yours. I guess I always knew. I don't blame you for not mentioning it. Really I don't. It was all so innocent...so pure. That is what made it so real. It almost seems worse that way. I wonder how you feel? The deepest most meaningful connection I have had in a long time. Connection which began without words. Two hours of search engines found me a whole lot more then I bargained for. I enjoyed the fantasy though. The way my heart raced each and every time I hoped to run into you. The feeling I had seeing you on stage. The heart bursting joy I felt when I saw you in the audience in Seattle. You watching me. Tables turned. The thought that maybe, just maybe you would find that card and call me. How I long to have those days back. Life on the road seemed so long until the end. I ran off into the summer only to find the summer had ran away with me. You were the first person I met and the last person I wanted to say goodbye too. It never happened that way. It probably never will...happen again...any of it.
I cried my eyes out at the final goodbye party in Portland.
I cried for Albuquerque and the full moon.
I cried because I had one too many free drinks.
I cried because you were not there.
I cried because I danced alone.
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Just returned from almost 3 months on the road travelling the USA. Though it hurts the most, this was my favorite memory.
Albuquerque, New Mexico changed everything.
It was the day of the night of the full moon. We thought we were lost. We always stayed in the most luxurious downtown metropolitan areas. We had now been driving for quite some time in the middle of absolutley nowhere. How strange yet how beautiful when we finally found it. A heavenly resort in the middle of the desert. A nice change from the skyscrapers. It was a crazy idea I thought when I first heard it. Could we really pull it off??? A full moon party? Here? Of course the setting is perfect, but will people come?
I was a bit drunk I must admit when I stumbled into it. Too much of that damn Everclear beforehand. I heard our sound system thumping softly somewhere just outside the hotel. It was perfect really. Everyone from the tour was there. EVERYONE. I saw you about an hour before the collision occured. I was dancing my ass off as usual. Christian was playing some really good psy-trance. I was about to dance on over to your side of the desert when I got sidetracked by the "Truth" kids. The truth kids rocked. So what if I felt guilty smoking around them. Their energy was contagious. Momentarily, I forgot about you. And then all of a sudden it happened. A head on collision of energy. An instant merging of souls. For three hours I danced like I have never danced before. I suppose you did as well. I was told later we caused quite a spectacle. At the time we didn't seem to notice. We were one and the same. Connection through movement. Body, spirit and mind on the same channel, riding the same wavelength. It was stronger then anything I have ever felt. We needed no words at the time. Words would have complicated and muddled things up. I could compare it to the feeling and connection of being on E for the first time, though neither of us had taken anything of the sort.
When our physical bodies could no longer keep up with our spirit, we sat down to rest. Somehow the people left, the party ended. We sat side by side staring up at the moon holding hands. Sometimes it was my head on your shoulder, sometimes yours on mine. To my relief, our connection was just as strong through conversation as it was through movement. We spoke of music, dance and life. Had you not already stolen my heart, I would have thrown it at you the moment you busted out with old cure lyrics. "I've met my soulmate" I thought giddily to myself. You remembered me from that very first night in Indianopolis. You mentioned seeing me in catering just as I had seen you. You had even been out and seen one of my shows. The"Superhero" show. I glowed inside at the thought of you seeing me in my element with me being completely unaware. The sky began to grow light. Though it felt like a perfect dream, the reality was that in 1 hour I had to wake up for an early bus call and bust ass performing all day. This really did not matter, I was going to walk on clouds all day. Who needs sleep for that? Arm in arm we made our way back to the hotel skipping down hallways till we got to my room. With just one shy kiss goodbye you were gone. I did not bother with exchanging numbers or making future plans, I would see you later on today, there was no doubt in my mind.
I kept an eye out for you all day. I lingered extra long in catering. I saw you walk in at one point, only to walk right out. Another time I walked in and you were already there. I grabbed my 2'nd helping of unwanted strawberry cheescake turned around to find you, and you had gone. Two more shows went by and there was no trace of you. I could not, would not and did not understand why. I searched the crowd for you constantly. With the exception of catering, there was no way for me to really get to you. Yet I was easy to get to. Where were you? What about Albuquerque? It hurt inside like nothing had ever hurt before. It was San Diego when I finally heard. Nancy had seen you. You had mentioned how happy you were to have seen your two kids. Two kids?!?!?! Four years old, and seven months old. Frustration changed to realization. It made sense now. It all made sense.
San Francisco passed and though the memory still lingered, I had stopped looking for you. It was Salt Lake City that you found me... or I should say we found each other. I would recognize a Cure song anywhere. I ran out to the "jam room" to see a band warming up to "Fascination Street" Not wanting to cause a spectacle I danced in my head until I felt a presence behind me. "I heard the Cure and was drawn over here" you said. I said nothing. You knew I was there for the same reason . Ever since the full moon, I had been carrying my card on a safety pin around my pass. With a head full of "what ifs" and "if onlys" I ripped it off and handed it to you. Boldly I invited you to our parties in L.A. and to hang out. You seemed to really be into that. You took the card with my info, but offered none in return. I saw you next in Seattle. Once again enamored by you I lingered just long enough to catch you. It was quite silly pretending not to notice you in hopes that you would come sit by me. And you did. You ate only vegetables. Why is it that I always notice such silly details about you? You wore a simple black cotton t-shirt, vans and shorts. Your style had a bit of a late 80's look to it. It was adorable. I felt a bit overdone in my costume and make-up. We made small talk and I invited you to our main show. You said you would definitely try to make it. Backstage I bounced off the walls. Millions of butterflies watiting to explode. I peeked outside(how very professional) several times until I saw you in the crowd. Breathe. Just breathe. You can do this. It was one of our best shows ever. Afterwards you were nowhere. But you were there and that was what mattered. That night I watched you onstage. You can only see you well from certain angles in certain light. Familiar with your energy, I could tell the songs you really got into. Sometimes he would introduce you, sometimes he would not. I could have cared less about the "official" memebers. I only watched you.
The story ends in Portland. The last show. The end of the road. Little Nancy pants bless her heart came running up to tell me you were sitting all alone in catering. Instantly I was hungry again. I found you and we talked. You really liked my show. You asked more and more about what I did. I felt good about our conversation. That night was the big farewell backstage party. They were using our sound and Christian was going to spin. The rest of the day flew by in anticipation. I could not wait to dance with you again. The party was everything it should have been. Free drinks, rockstars and even rockstars spinning. What more could you want? I could have cared less about all of that. Fuck all the glam, glitz and schmoozing. I just wanted to dance with you again. That's all I wanted....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"it's like meeting the man of your dreams....then meeting his beautiful wife"
Could it really be more fucking ironic??? I shake my head laughing instead of crying because there is no way in hell it ever could be. I mean what are the chances? I am tied to those words in ways I could never say. It's ridiculous really. I stare at her picture right above yours. I guess I always knew. I don't blame you for not mentioning it. Really I don't. It was all so innocent...so pure. That is what made it so real. It almost seems worse that way. I wonder how you feel? The deepest most meaningful connection I have had in a long time. Connection which began without words. Two hours of search engines found me a whole lot more then I bargained for. I enjoyed the fantasy though. The way my heart raced each and every time I hoped to run into you. The feeling I had seeing you on stage. The heart bursting joy I felt when I saw you in the audience in Seattle. You watching me. Tables turned. The thought that maybe, just maybe you would find that card and call me. How I long to have those days back. Life on the road seemed so long until the end. I ran off into the summer only to find the summer had ran away with me. You were the first person I met and the last person I wanted to say goodbye too. It never happened that way. It probably never will...happen again...any of it.
I cried my eyes out at the final goodbye party in Portland.
I cried for Albuquerque and the full moon.
I cried because I had one too many free drinks.
I cried because you were not there.
I cried because I danced alone.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just returned from almost 3 months on the road travelling the USA. Though it hurts the most, this was my favorite memory.
