I've PM'd you ProfessorBananas but just wanted to post in here too. I'm so sorry to hear about your ex and what you have been through
Before I forget: there is a TDS Grief and Bereavement thread
*here* which you may find useful
My boyfriend, Dave, passed away a year and 5 months ago. He was everything to me, and I felt like my world had ended the day he died. I understand entirely about wondering how it is possible to go on without them.. it's one of the most painful things we humans can experience. However, we humans are also incredibly resilient, and we can (and do) heal ourselves. Your life may be always changed, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. Although you will never forget your ex or lose the pain of her passing, you will learn to
live with it somehow and move forwards with your own life. Everyone is different in how they do this, I think. For me, I respect and even value the pain, as it is a product of my love for Dave, and it reminds me both of him and of the importance of emracing life.. I find that my life now has an extra quality to it; not bittersweet exactly.. more an awareness of how precious life is and how important it is to try to find as much peace, love and joy as you can. That sounded very hippyish haha - can't think how to express it..
I can think of Dave and smile, now.. cry too, of course, but also remember the good times and how incredibly fortunate I was to have known him at all. It exists in me all at once; different things come to the fore at different times... It took a while; be gentle with yourself, take things at your own rate, there is no right or wrong way to do this. Sometimes it felt like I was not moving forwards at all (backwards, often, haha.. that's the nature of it..) but when I look back 12 months now, or even 6, I am astounded at the progress I have made. I am now at a stage where the pain and loss coexist with gratitude for having known him, love for everything he was, appreciation for everything him and his death taught me; and all of these feelings about Dave and his death also coexist with the new life I have been building for myself. It is not a burden. I still have bad days, of course, and sometimes the shock of it all still catches me and takes my breath away.. Christmas and New Year was very hard.. and I need regular crying sessions to keep myself sane. However, I can honestly say that I enjoy my life now! I am content, happy even, and I feel so much stronger and more aware both of myself and of the reality of life (and death). You will find happiness again, no matter how impossibly far away it may feel right now
I now have another boyfriend, who is wonderful and makes me truly happy - and understands entirely about how I feel about Dave, which I thought would be a
massive deal for a partner to deal with; so don't think you will be alone forever
I try to appreciate things more.. friends, family, my job, my beautiful home, watching a film, a cup of tea, hot bath, music.. I derive great pleasure in small things, and great pleasure in the bigger things like spending time with my best friends and loved ones, and pursuing the career I love. Don't get me wrong, I still get stressed/angry/unhappy/moody/very depressed.. we're all human! I have found things that help lift my mood during the darker days, though. Discovered I get a lot of joy from making my apartment look beautiful with cheap candles and plants.. or equipping my kitchen and learning to cook a new meal.. even just getting out for a short walk or reading a few pages of a book. For about 9 months after Dave died I barely ate, lay in bed constantly, never washed/cleaned and the apartment was pretty much a health-hazard hah.. I also had a nasty needle habit. That was my lowest point; I thought there was no turning back there.
However, with time, help and support, and a growing realisation that I still had a life to lead, I did start getting myself back together. Dave may no longer have his life ahead of him, but I do - so I felt I should try my best to live for both of us. It was a slow process but I am now almost there
Flat is tidy-ish and lovely and cosy, I see friends regularly, I don't have any drug addictions or use needles anymore, am hoping to be back at work soon.. I'm VERY far from perfect haha, just had a bad spell of depression, and I still isolate myself a lot and have bad days (and my laundry basket will
always overflow haha) but the point is - you may feel like you are at rock bottom and there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but there
is. You will get there. Don' be afraid to ask for help, as much help as you can get; take it at your own pace; but don't give up
I would do
anything to bring Dave back or have him not have died, but I can also see how it has changed me for the good.. I value life more, now. I don't get so caught up in the small shit. I realise how fleeting life can be, and how important it is for us to reach out and embrace it, even the dark side.. I feel like I know a lot more about life now, it's taught me so much.
Dave has taught me so much.
This all takes time, though.. sometimes you just need to focus on the here and now, and getting through each day/hour/minute/second. Take life in bitesize chunks, don't worry about what will happen in the future - just concentrate on what you need right now. Do you have much support? Friends, family, counselling, phonelines, and of course TDS.. there are bereavement forums out there too which I personally didn't find helpful but others do.
You will always miss your ex; I have found that as time went on it became less all-consuming and now I actually really enjoy sitting down and having a good think about Dave; I usually cry, I look at photos, remember things.. by giving myself that outlet I find that my grief is a lot more manageable day-to-day. I am currently making a scrap book full of photos, cards, ticket stubs, silly bits and bobs, anything that reminds me of Dave.. am finding that very cathartic
As for the guilt: we all go through it when someone dies, and it can be crippling, I know. No one expects someone to die suddenly, so there are always things left unsaid or things we desperately wish we could unsay, mean things we did; times when we weren't as kind as we could have been... I'd had a
lot of arguments with Dave in the run up to his death, and I was pretty mean to him a few times.. that was
very hard to deal with. But if he was here now, I know he would understand and forgive me. People fall out, people lose touch, people can be on bad terms; that is human nature. The fact that she tragically died doesn't make you into a monster, it just makes you human
Sorry for the huge post; some bits you might find less helpful than others, so feel free to skip them! Everyone handles grief differently and every situation is unique. Just remember, though, that you are not alone - we are here, and reach out to others too - and that things
will get better for you. They really will.
Oh, also - are you seeing a counsellor or therapist? Mine helped me enormously with my guilt and my not wanting to move on issues.. I strongly recommend it, if you can find one you trust and who understands.
