Yesterday was officially the start of my much needed "vacation." So, this week only, I get Mon off without having to work Tuesday, then get Wed and go back to work late Thurs night. I HAD to fix it so there was plenty of time for me and my chemicals without the irritating interruption from work every Tuesday or some dumb ass responsibility on Wednesday. My ass was worn out Monday, so when I came home from work I crashed for about 12 hrs. I got up, had my one meal, talked to Mom a bit. She's still questioning me how the detox from the Tramadol is going, but I've told her before I'm not even bothering with those anymore. I'm taking the real painkillers. I tend to go through about 45 pills a week and I'm lucky my Doc authorizes that.
As for the meth, well, it didn't take long for a $20 bag every week to turn into $40 or $60 bag last two weeks. The thing is that back in 2006 I used to be able to get a whole teenager for $70 or $80, but now that same teenager costs $140 or $130. So $60 is more like 3/4 gram so that's my habit right there. As I said before, I'm amazed in some ways how meth GIVES a shitload of energy, while simaltaneously sucking it right out of you. That's what's getting me in trouble already. It's simply too damn hard to keep up with a full time job that does NOT have 2 days off in a row, plus whatever other bullshit I'm supposed to be doing. I've pretty much taken a 6 week vacation from certain bullshit.
So after the dope is gone tomorrow, the plan is to go buy those damn expensive supplements because I have no choice now BUT to take a vacation from meth. Besides being debilitating in some aspects, it's too damned expensive. I only hope I can get through this without too much fatigue and overall feeling like crap. My tickets from Erik arrived yesterday, thank you baby boy. I'm debating if tomorrow is the day to take this trip or not. The other thing is that while Erik mentioned there were 2 double hits of acid, I only saw one paper. I didn't want to tear open the microscopic sized baggie until I am actually ready to take it in order to keep it fresh. So, I guess I should definitely only take 1/2 of the paper, as I don't want to do 4 hits all at once.
I'm amazed at how damn fast vacation time speeds by. Work called 3 times today and I didn't want to talk to them. By the 2nd call, I reluctantly picked up and it was a woman wanting to know if I was going to be at my shift on Tuesday, today, and I said no I cleared that day off over 3 weeks ago with this dude in the office AND told the family like 3 times. So she said, ok, then they will have to work it out. Fine. They called back again, as well as the family, and I said oh hell, no way am I picking up. I hope I don't get into trouble, but no way was I gonna be talked into working, and besides that, I certainly wasn't sober, so no way in HELL was I gonna even attempt that. Meth would be the perfect drug to do as a retiree, I swear. Old folks have it fuckin made. They don't have to answer to a job, and unlike most people I'm perfectly capable of keeping myself quite amused and occupied with no job to go to.
I hope the goddamned food cravings are not gonna bite me in the ass 90 times a day, or if so, am able to just eat 3 small meals a day and that's it. That would enable me to maintain the weight loss. Otherwise, it will be like Aimee said, that I will need to do meth for a little at a time in order to keep it off. Mom flat out asked me last night, "You're not doing meth to cut your appetite are you?" Same answer every time. "No." "Then what are you doing to lose weight?" "What do you mean what am I doing? You know. I threw away all the snacks in my room, plus going through W/Ds does not help. It sucks all the joy out of wanting to eat." Actually that's the truth. When cutting the Tramadol, not only could I not get enthused about anything to save my life, but got no pleasure out of eating whatsoever. Food just didn't taste good.
Was up late last night of course, spent some time on the Meth Slammers group, for some reason yahoo didn't bother deleting that or the Crystal Princess group, the 2 I cared about the least. So I posted old stories and poems, as even on meth the writer's block never went away. I can't write poetry, haven't been able to ever since I got clean damn it. I doubt I'll ever get it back, so I can only make do with what I can do which are stories, essays, and journaling. And porn. Haha. It was nice to get Erik's ok about the cyber and porn writing, because while I do want to do it, I don't want to hurt his feelings either. He encouraged me, and lord knows I do have plenty of THAT, but haven't published it yet.
So, I don't know, I'm nervous about how all my shit's gonna turn out. Kicking even with supplements is EXTREMELY unpleasant plus I'm worried about my money situation. Same old bullshit. Now I'm at a mental tug of war again at times. Stay clean or get loaded? Getting loaded on a schedule is the most practical answer, but it's sure as shit not always easy to do, no matter what the intentions are, but I'm gonna have to. Either that or stop completely again. To be honest, I don't think that will happen any time soon, so the schedule is the practical way to go. I do know this. It's a lot easier to stay off meth than it is to get off meth. It's the getting that's a real giant pain in the ass, but the physical exhaustion is reason in itself to force me to do so after this baggie is out. If I feel the time is right, I'll take a trip tomorrow and hope to harness in some Divine Strength to do what I need to do. I'm in a mess all over again and it sucks.
As for the meth, well, it didn't take long for a $20 bag every week to turn into $40 or $60 bag last two weeks. The thing is that back in 2006 I used to be able to get a whole teenager for $70 or $80, but now that same teenager costs $140 or $130. So $60 is more like 3/4 gram so that's my habit right there. As I said before, I'm amazed in some ways how meth GIVES a shitload of energy, while simaltaneously sucking it right out of you. That's what's getting me in trouble already. It's simply too damn hard to keep up with a full time job that does NOT have 2 days off in a row, plus whatever other bullshit I'm supposed to be doing. I've pretty much taken a 6 week vacation from certain bullshit.
So after the dope is gone tomorrow, the plan is to go buy those damn expensive supplements because I have no choice now BUT to take a vacation from meth. Besides being debilitating in some aspects, it's too damned expensive. I only hope I can get through this without too much fatigue and overall feeling like crap. My tickets from Erik arrived yesterday, thank you baby boy. I'm debating if tomorrow is the day to take this trip or not. The other thing is that while Erik mentioned there were 2 double hits of acid, I only saw one paper. I didn't want to tear open the microscopic sized baggie until I am actually ready to take it in order to keep it fresh. So, I guess I should definitely only take 1/2 of the paper, as I don't want to do 4 hits all at once.
I'm amazed at how damn fast vacation time speeds by. Work called 3 times today and I didn't want to talk to them. By the 2nd call, I reluctantly picked up and it was a woman wanting to know if I was going to be at my shift on Tuesday, today, and I said no I cleared that day off over 3 weeks ago with this dude in the office AND told the family like 3 times. So she said, ok, then they will have to work it out. Fine. They called back again, as well as the family, and I said oh hell, no way am I picking up. I hope I don't get into trouble, but no way was I gonna be talked into working, and besides that, I certainly wasn't sober, so no way in HELL was I gonna even attempt that. Meth would be the perfect drug to do as a retiree, I swear. Old folks have it fuckin made. They don't have to answer to a job, and unlike most people I'm perfectly capable of keeping myself quite amused and occupied with no job to go to.
I hope the goddamned food cravings are not gonna bite me in the ass 90 times a day, or if so, am able to just eat 3 small meals a day and that's it. That would enable me to maintain the weight loss. Otherwise, it will be like Aimee said, that I will need to do meth for a little at a time in order to keep it off. Mom flat out asked me last night, "You're not doing meth to cut your appetite are you?" Same answer every time. "No." "Then what are you doing to lose weight?" "What do you mean what am I doing? You know. I threw away all the snacks in my room, plus going through W/Ds does not help. It sucks all the joy out of wanting to eat." Actually that's the truth. When cutting the Tramadol, not only could I not get enthused about anything to save my life, but got no pleasure out of eating whatsoever. Food just didn't taste good.
Was up late last night of course, spent some time on the Meth Slammers group, for some reason yahoo didn't bother deleting that or the Crystal Princess group, the 2 I cared about the least. So I posted old stories and poems, as even on meth the writer's block never went away. I can't write poetry, haven't been able to ever since I got clean damn it. I doubt I'll ever get it back, so I can only make do with what I can do which are stories, essays, and journaling. And porn. Haha. It was nice to get Erik's ok about the cyber and porn writing, because while I do want to do it, I don't want to hurt his feelings either. He encouraged me, and lord knows I do have plenty of THAT, but haven't published it yet.
So, I don't know, I'm nervous about how all my shit's gonna turn out. Kicking even with supplements is EXTREMELY unpleasant plus I'm worried about my money situation. Same old bullshit. Now I'm at a mental tug of war again at times. Stay clean or get loaded? Getting loaded on a schedule is the most practical answer, but it's sure as shit not always easy to do, no matter what the intentions are, but I'm gonna have to. Either that or stop completely again. To be honest, I don't think that will happen any time soon, so the schedule is the practical way to go. I do know this. It's a lot easier to stay off meth than it is to get off meth. It's the getting that's a real giant pain in the ass, but the physical exhaustion is reason in itself to force me to do so after this baggie is out. If I feel the time is right, I'll take a trip tomorrow and hope to harness in some Divine Strength to do what I need to do. I'm in a mess all over again and it sucks.