Methoxetamine... Every day

[methoxetaman]

I started using ketamine last year.

Then I discovered methoxetamine.

I started using it probably 6 or 7 months ago, probably every other day.

That grew into every day usage, mostly because it is such a good anti depressant and my life was so fucked up

For at least the past 2 months I've been using it pretty much every day. More often I use it up to 3 or 4 times a day. My preferred route of administration is plugging, which in my opinion is one step down from shooting it into my muscle.

I take anywhere from 40 to 100+mg each time.

I took a 2 week break before starting the 3x a day usage, I did not experience any negative withdrawal effects. I just missed methoxetamine.

Now, I don't think I have gone more than one day without taking some for the last 2 months. It started with a really fucked up relationship situation where I got extremely depressed and binged on methoxetamine. It killed all my saddness. Always. It made me happy when I was ready to die. Now I don't know if I can stop.

I tried giving my bag to my roommate. It worked for 3 days and I was fine for 3 days. Then he gave it back. Because it was a test to see if I could go without it for 3 days. Except I cheated and saved some in another bag that he didn't know about.

I wake up sober and feeling normal and that makes me think "it's time to go plug some more"

I go everywhere and do everything fucked up on it

I've built myself quite a tolerance. It still affects me at average doses, but it's much duller of an experience. Most of the time. Every once in a while I'll take some and it'll knock me into outer space and I'll think "this is the most fucked up I've ever been on this shit." Probably because I get lazy and just eyeball a pile out of the bag, and end up doing a loooot.

People tell me I should stop. My good friends. I tell them I should stop. I break down and tell them how addicted I am and they agree but they do nothing to actually help me stop. They just tell me I should stop. Then I go home and think about it until I do it again.

I have experienced some tinnitus, but it is barely noticable anymore. When I do a lot of mxe it can come back pretty intense, but it never really bothers me that much.

Sometimes I get scared and wonder if this is gonna be the time I overdo it, the time where my body just gives out and gives up, and I die because I consumed too much methoxetamine.

But I'm still alive.

I just want to know if anyone else is doing as much as I am. I feel like if I were to stop I would be okay, but then again I also worry that I will get sick from withdrawal. I don't ever experience withdrawal when I have quit for a few days, so I think thats good. I am pretty happy when I'm sober (even if it is for 20 minutes right when I wake up in the morning)....


I just don't know what I should do with myself. I'm a drug addict. In my 9 years of drug use I've never had a real addiction problem with anything, but now this fuckin chemical has my balls in a vice grip.

I feel like shit for abusing this substance. I am so sorry world. I am scum. I deserve whatever happens to me. I am stupid. I should have much more respect for this chemical. I am sorry, methoxetamine. And I thank you, for everything you have done for me. You have saved my life, many times. And perhaps you will take my life as well, if you do not un-clench your grasp on my MiND.

 

[limonov]

After lurking for years I actually joined to respond to this post-

The first thing that you need to do is stop beating yourself up. You are not scum and you are not stupid. Drug addiction requires only one thing- access, you call yourself scum because you have succum to something that millions of people from every strata of society is afflicted by. And the fact that you are able to recognise and articulate the fact that you have 'crossed the line' into drug dependence means that you are not stupid.

I'm sorry that your friends have not been more proactive, but you are capable of getting the help that you need- reaching out for advice on bluelight seems like a good start. I don't know what country you're in, but what sort of drug services are available to you? Obviously there isn't going to be a whole lot of medicine (other than anti-depressants etc) to deal with dissociative addiction, but they should also have various therapy/councilling services that would be worth looking at. To be honest I would not confuse them with methoxetamine and instead present as addicted to ketamine or pcp. I live in New Zealand which has a welfare state (like the UK), so all of this stuff is government funded walk-in (despite the waiting lists, especially for methadone)- I don't know exactly what the situation would be if you're in the states. But I would strongly advice you to get some professional assistance if you feel that you need to come off methoxetamine, particularly if you don't have a lot of social-support. You could also consider going to NA meetings, which fucking suck ass, and the talking and watching emotional retards try to tell the group how they're feeling without headbutting someone and throwing a chair through a wall is fucking torture, and the whole 'god-centric-model' may well not be your cup of tea either, but the real benefit of the meetings is having the oppotunity to meet other people who actually understand through experience addiction, and thus can empathise and analyse your circumstances as only someone who is drug dependant can- that mixture of understanding and insight that therapists and your 'straight' friends can't provide.

In terms of physical withdrawals, I binged very heavily for about 2 weeks solid and one thing that I did notice was that it has an incredible residule trailoff. Like, after binging for a week I would say my brain chemistry continued to be effected by the drug (metabolites accumulating? Reabsorbtion from the bladder ala pcp?) for another week, even though at the time I felt like I was sober, but as the weeks past I realised that I was still all sorts of fucked up, and fucked up in a way that I was completely oblivious to. So I suppose the main thing that I'd caution you with would be coming to any sorts of important conclusions or decisions about yourself or your future for a good 2-3 weeks after you stop taking methoxetamine, your thinking may well still be effected by the drug. Going away for a month to detox would be ideal, focus on your health and wellbeing.

This is not a cataclysm, it is a challange. You seem more than capable of moving beyond methoxetamine dependence, this last seven months may be some of the strangest and most alien of your life- right now what you have done isn't what is important, what's important is what you do now.

 

[Lunchboxor]

The only time anyone will ever get over a drug problem is if they truly WANT to get over the problem. Ive seen dopeheads replase time and time again, and at the same time, I saw a kid who was addicted to dope for a year come off of it cold turkey. I was there for him the entire time, and only once did he relapse. Its been two years now, and hes been clean the entire time.

Its up to you. We as humans have amazing potential. Beating an addiction is simple compared to decoding the human genome. You can quit it, I have no doubt. The real question is when are you going to take up the challenge? When you do, throw it all out. The tolit works best. Erase your connects number, and stay away from the users in your life. Find a friend, a good person at heart, and stick with them.

 

[Spacemonkey5000]

I agree with the poster above me about the lingering effects of mxe.

For me i always feel abit "hooked" on it as long as it´s in my system.

I have done it a few days in a row sometimes and it can be hard to stop, but once i stop and don´t do it for a few days the "grip" wears off and i forget about it.

I understand this is not gonna be that easy for you but it´s good to think about since i feel it´s similar with ketamine when youre"on it" you just wan´t more and more and keep going.

Although with mxe it´s different since it´s lasts alot longer and therefor feels like it´s in youre system for even longer.

 

[greenmeanies]

OP, you need a constructive hobby to occupy your mind and time so you will gradually phase out your negative habits.

What do you enjoy doing? Video games, woodworking, gardening, music production, etc etc etc. Learn to get "in the zone" with a hobby you love and you'll find that you don't even think about the drug anymore.

Ask your friends honestly for their assistance. Good people can be incredibly helpful if you treat them with respect and honesty.

 

[iROLL22]

My personal opinion when dealing with any addiction is that one-on-one therapy with a psychologist can be much more effective than 12 step or meetings...not that i am saying 12 step isnt a good thing and that it doesnt help people..but a therapist can help you work through the underlying problems you are dealing with rather than jus the problem of addiction. Your addiction has come as a result of you self-medicating to compensate for your depression and others issues you may not know is going on.

since i have been in therapy I have learned that majority of alcoholics are actually people with untreated bi-polar disease and once the bi-polar was treated then the alcohol was not a problem... you need to treat the depression or in therapy you may discover other issues that you may have noticed but never put any thought into
and a psychologist will give you the tools to work through the problems and IF the therapist thinks that medication may be needed then they can recommend that to your MD...a psychologist is different than a psychiatrist in that a psychiatrist will try more chemicals to help the problem and a psychologist will try to help you dig deeper to find the source to the REAL problem...


jus my two cents...and coming from someone who has dealt with the battles of substance abuse i do hope you can get past this rut and move on to better things

-i

 

[Alldaykk]

Its got me similar. Not AS severe, but close. I usually do it at least once every other day. I usually do it several several doses each day on the weekend and then tell myself i wont do it at all during the week (I work mon-fri), and then I usually end up doing it a few times during the week too. I never feel bad off of it, its pure mental addiction. But its strong because you want it so bad. I havent felt much of negative effects besides maybe just a bit drippy pee if im on it, not if im off it. and its very mild, nothing compared to how even rolling once will affect your bladder

 

[ProducedRaw]

Just out of interest, have you tried tapering? Failing that, have you tried using magnesium/zinc (both are NMDA antagonists like Methoxetamine) and maybe L-Dopa (Methoxetamine is also a DARI) while withdrawing? Chances are, and someone correct me if I'm wrong, that it's not just psychological addiction considering that the brain tends to strive for homeostasis and knocking it out of balance will change neurotransmitter levels and/or down-regulate receptors.

 

[mirrorlake]

I've used it for the last 6 months or so. On and off, but mostly on. Have taken a couple weeks off here and there, mostly because I felt I was becoming addicted and wanted to break the habit.

Like you, I've found methoxetamine to be the best possible antidepressant ever. I quickly became disinterested in using it for any kind of real dissociative effect, and therefore lowered my dose (probably to 20-40mg) and took up redosing a few times a day. My usual method of intake was by snorting it. Tried sublingual and plugging, and both of these might be slightly more potent, but I prefer the stimulated confidence that comes with snorting it.

For the most part, this chemical has improved my life. Although perhaps it's a crutch and I need to find the confidence, lack of social anxiety, and energy it gives me naturally.

The biggest drawback has been expense. Let's just say I'm not exactly saving up much cash since I discovered MXE.

So currently I don't have any, as I intentionally let myself run out after my last stash. This had been after using it for a solid month straight, with probably only a week off before that. On the day and day after I ran out, I slept for about 12 hours and had little energy or motivation to do anything. Felt a little depressed. So I started taking Piracetam, which seems to level things out.

I have more coming in probably by the end of this week. My intention is to reduce my dose. I will still probably use it every day as long as that stash lasts, but I need to make 5g last more like a month as opposed to 2 weeks. If I can do this I will be satisfied that I am using the chemical more responsibly as an antidepressant.

Amazingly, in all this time I've hardly increased my tolerance. Well, I guess the dissociative effects are harder to reach, although if I take 60mg or something (which on occasion I would do, like if I was really bored and wanted to watch a few movies or do something else that required me to mostly stay put), but I don't find these effects to be particularly enjoyable anyway. So it is important that I resist the temptation to dose higher than probably 20mg, which is the effective antidepressant dose without getting me at all fucked up. Mostly because it's a waste of money to dose higher, but also because I should exercise more self control with this chemical.

I am probably going to take advantage of the energy and motivation MXE gives me to work additional hours, therefore offsetting the cost of using the drug.

 

[Alldaykk]

I am probably going to take advantage of the energy and motivation MXE gives me to work additional hours, therefore offsetting the cost of using the drug.

Thats a good idea!

 

[methoxetaman]

Thank you all for your responses,

I was able to make it through today without any, but not without the help of a few other substances.

I pretty much already know why I'm so desperate to escape reality, it's because of lingering effects from a very emotionally damaging relationship,

She experienced a relapse of her cancer, while we were together in a long term relationship, and became a very self-destructive person, and she had to move back home from where we were going to school, and she lived pretty far away. We tried to keep the relationship going but she tore me apart; she was extremely emotionally abusive to me and really fucked with my head, and tore me away from my family, my family who didn't even believe me that she had cancer. I started doing lots of drugs, especially smoking weed all day in my dorm, I pretty much had an unlimited supply. I just didn't want to be sober. This all really affected me and made it impossible to do well enough in my college program, engineering, and after a year of becoming more and more depressed, barely sleeping, I realized I had seriously screwed up my first year, pushed away many good friends and a good family, but that I waas a wonderful person and deserved to be happy.

I tried to end it with her

She became extremely suicidal and was refusing chemo treatment and I guess I let her tell me it was my fault

The break up process was long and horrible, I was unhappy but could not leave her when every time she would lose it and try to harm herself or would refuse chemo until her parents would call me begging me to just talk to her...

After a while I started seeing someone else, technically cheating, something I'm not proud of. But I'm glad I did it.

She was pretty much the only friend who saw waht I was going through and I owe it to her that I'm no longer in such a fucked up relationship.

But after we moved in together with a friend, and that friend talked lies about me behind my back, my girlfriend and I started fighting and she left, and came back, and left, and came back, a bunch of times and then eventually didn't come back.

I finally got her to talk to me and in an emotional conversation she ended up telling me that she'd seen her ex multiple times in the year and a half we've been dating, once since we'd moved in together... and of course she did the one worst thing with him each time and I don't even need to say it.

Some how I found it in myself to forgive her, after she realized how she'd hurt me, and now we've been back together for a couple months past it and she's been much more honest with me and I know everybody makes mistakes and we've got too much to just throw away... but the fact is still there and it still hurts and sometimes I can't help but think about it and cry.

Anyway it feels kind of goood to get that all out. I have been heavy on the mxe ever since the big fight and I feel like whenever I'm sober my mind easily drifts to saddening thoughts and feelings. I have nightmares every night now about everything I just told you, nightmares that I am still dating my last girlfriend and seeing her sick the way she was, dreams about my current girlfriend breaking my heart, and other random nightmares that usually cause me to wake up crying or screaming. Recently I've been barely sleeping, one because when I try to relax my mind drifts, I always need a distraction like tv or getting high, and also because I'm scared to sleep.

I keep myself up all night doing nothing productive, and sometimes I dose the mxe so much that I'm near holing all night and half the next day, getting absolutely no sleep. I wish I could have a regular sleeping pattern, but I just get so anxious.

I can't cope with loss

When I was 13, and had my first break up with a girl,

I took a knife and slit my wrist open as hard as I could. Probably would have not been okay if my mother hadn't been home.

I've never tried to kill myself again but i've cut myself when I get really upset



I've told all this to my doctor before and they refuse to give me any type of benzo (which I think I could benefit from) simply because I was semi honest and said "I smoke weed, mostly to self-medicate and give myself an appetite"

and now I'm a potential abuser.

But the panic attacks don't go away.

I try phenazepam but it lasts way too long to be used all the time.

I barely have any appetite ever, I've got lactose intolerance and irritable bowel and my stomach is in almost constant pain, weed is really the only thing that helps me eat. But I've managed to lose around 40 or 50 pounds in just over 18 months, and can't seem to gain it back no matter how much I stuff my face.

I often get the feeling that I'm just ready to die, that my body is in bad condition, there's been so much wrong with me,

A few years ago I urinated blood, passed out, and had a seizure

Last summer next year I passed out while urinating again and had another seizure, in front of my girlfriend.

The doctors did tests and tests and more tests, tubes down my throat, tubes up my ass, tubes up my urethera, cameras up my urethera, fuck my life. I love demerol though. Even after all the tests I don't really know what's wrong with me or why I had the seizures.


Speaking of seizures, the first time I broke through on DMT, just at the beginning of this year, I had a very violent seizure for the first 5 or 10 minutes. My sitters had to hold me down because I was jerking so hard. Nonetheless it was probably the most beautiful experience of my life.

I'm just scared of facing reality anymore, I'm scared of being sad, I'm scared of becoming sick or finding out that somethings really wrong with me, I'm scared of sleeping I'm scared of opening up to my friends I'm scared of going back to school, I barely make enough money to pay off my share of rent and have groceries and pay my school loan bills... I'm stressed as fuck I'm losing my mind to be honest

I used to trip all the time but everr since I found out about the cheating I don't want to anymore, and I feel like I've lost an important piece of my life, I used to overcome anything with the aid of psychadelics, but now I don't take them because every time I put myself in a bad mindset before I even take them, and I'm not at a good place in my mind anymore. Even sometimes when I take mxe, I have a negative trip, and start panicking about my heart rate and psyching myself out, thinking "well this is probably it my hearts not beating anymore and i shouldn't expect to wake up tomorrow"

I always tell myself I'm gonna stop, why am I doing something that makes me freak out,

But I quickly forget about it and take more.

Thanks for reading, if you have made it this far,

I really appreciate all the kind words, I know I will overcome this part of my life, but it's been really fucked up, and really confusing, and I know I have a long way to go.

I am just glad I am strong enough to stay away from worse substances. I feel like the mxe makes me a better person and helps me face the world with a positive attitude. I just hope this unresearched chemical doesn't have some strong long term negative effects that are yet to be discovered. I'll probably be the first to know

 

[Spacemonkey5000]

Sounds like your relationship to women is a big cause of your depression...

can´t tell you what to do but getting emotionally abused by one girl and then cheated by the next would fuck up most guys...

Can´t tell you what to do but i wouldnt be able to let stuff like that slide, and it sounds like you can´t either because you need to be fucked up on mxe to be able to be wiith your girl...

 

[methoxetaman]

just wanted to share that i am doing better.

after an experience with mostly methylone and some small amounts of 4mec and methoxetamine and my first hit of cannabis in quite a while, i have finally come out of my multi-month-long depression. for the first time in a long time i can say i'm happy again. i still use mxe but i've kept it down to every couple of days in smaller amounts. i'm no longer on it all day every day.

 

[methoxetaman]

and me and my girlfriend and doing wonderful. she has supported me through my addiction even at times where she had every reason to abandon me. and i no longer need to use mxe to be happy, now it's just a bonus that intensifies my happiness, like it should be.

 

[Bone14]

And how often do (mis)use it now?

 

[MyExcuse]

A few things I've found to combat my ongoing adoration and sometimes addiction to dissociative anesthetics:

The first would be to go all out one day a month. Schedule a few days off from work/school, hang up the phone and go crazy with however much you want. Just now that after you've used for that day, you're done for a month.

Secondly, I would consider introducing a psychedelic into the mix (my favorite is 4-AcO-DMT but whatever you fancy). According to my experience and the experiences of others, the combination of a NMDA antagonist with a 5HT2a agonist produce something that can only be defined as divine or Proustian (allow my neologism, as it fits).

Finally try and find Memantine. Although it does not provide the recreational abilities of MXE or K, it does provide all of the therapeutic benefits and lasts quite a long time. I would liken Memantine to methadone. Memantine is the Dissociative junkie's Methadone.

 

[fridgebuzz]

People tell me I should stop. My good friends. I tell them I should stop. I break down and tell them how addicted I am and they agree but they do nothing to actually help me stop. They just tell me I should stop. Then I go home and think about it until I do it again.

Hey buddy, can you quit for us? It's people like you that give good drugs a bad name. Control yourself, control the situation.

Stop being Minx's bitch. She's not that great.

I just don't want the news headlines to destroy this substance with, "dangerous designer drug abuse, users squirt up bum," ya know?

 

[consumed]

I love this forum. You'll make it man, I know you will. One day at a time.

 

[swilow]

Hey buddy, can you quit for us? It's people like you that give good drugs a bad name. Control yourself, control the situation.

Stop being Minx's bitch. She's not that great.

I just don't want the news headlines to destroy this substance with, "dangerous designer drug abuse, users squirt up bum," ya know?

How about reading the whole thread?

 

[<SpaceHead>]

Hey methoxetaman! I've had similar experiences with dissociative habits, ketamine, mxe, dxm, 4-meo-pcp, nitrous. They all have the ability to hypnotize one into using them too frequently, although the habit is not of physical dependence like opiates or benzos. But I understand how deep the psychological pull can be, getting way under your skin to make your decisions for you before you can even think, oh wow I just snorted another line of k!

But I agree with MyExcuse, the above post. Make a ritual of your use, do it once a month or less. Go as far as you want that day, make it a deep experience, and I agree, add a psychedelic. I really love tryptamines with dissociatives, dmt, mushrooms 4-aco-dmt all add a beautiful natural glow to the hole of dissociative experience. With a good psychedelic dissociative experience can become even more meaningful, and usually is so mind blowing it leaves much less desire for redosing. Also I'd suggest writing down your experience afterward. In my case, any dissociative use in my every day life, even once a week I quickly find myself using more and more often. I'd strongly urge you to either take serious control over this chemical or just quit using it entirely. Every other day will have you back where you started real soon.

Also if you've never tried meditating it's a really powerful way to know your own mind and be aware of your thoughts and urges on a really centered level. In some ways it shares characteristics of a positive dissociative experience, existing as a single point of consciousness in an infinite void, realizing the transient nature of everything in life etc, although of course these experiences are more subtle than a dissociative hole. It does take work and time but its really interesting and relaxing, and I think it helps greatly with depression and drug abuse. And all you need is a pillow to sit on! Look up zen meditation techniques on google or something for some techniques if you're interested.