Mental Health Methamphetamine and my mind

Flowerchildxo

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Joined
Apr 11, 2016
Messages
5
Where should I start.. From the beginning .. You don't know me and I know seeing this as long as it is .. You might exit but wait and listen it might be very helpful to you.. And maybe in fact helpful to me. . I don't ever want anyone to experience what I have experienced.. To see what I have seen or to even feel what I have felt..

This is my story.. At the age of 15 I would do allot of cocaine I tought it was cool and what not and one day I found a baggy of something that looked like Coke but not nessesaraly Coke .. I didn't know what it was.. It was there because someone in my family worked at a bar (that's another story I will not go into detail about) and the point is that it was there I took it and that night me and my friend that was living with me at the moment went to drink with some friends and the curiosity was so high that we asked my friend what it was and he immediately said wtf don't do this shit throw it away it's crystal.. So we went home kept starring at it .. Woke up the next day to go to school and as we were getting ready .. 30 lines on a book.. We said let's try it..

Oh man.. The first time it was everything intense rush I knew math wtf? I did everything so quickly I was fucking smart. My friends chest after school got inflamed she felt like dying and I just wanted more.. How stupid was I.. I kept taking it days after days because I liked the high.. Girls in my class would talk about shadows and evil shit but I was like wtf no I don't see that bs lol.. So I had a boyfriend and he turned into a meth addict.. He confessed to me he was using for 8months straight I begged him to stop and eventually I started doing it with him for 5months it was the best getting high every day nothing wrong..

Then I started seeing girls in his garage I started thinking there was girls in his room and he was fucking them under the covers or that he was sneaking them in the house .. I BELIEVED THIS . I saw it and I heard her moaning .. And it was horrible I went on the run with him for two weeks and went 7days with no sleep that was the first time I started seeing really ugly things.. I saw a girl behind the fridge of our motel I was looking for a girl under the fridge I tought omg I tought things that are fucking out of this world.. That was my first outrage .. My second was in his garage .. Started looking under the car behind a fridge .. She was waving at me from the roof it was crazy.. I sobered up and I still believed it months after that it was true.. That ruined our relationship I strongly believed there was another female he was fucking with in the same room.. (Even sober) then it became a habit I have tought that same exact way every weekend for 2 years straight! I just didn't let it drive me insane anymore I tought he would hide her in the trunk of the car wow wtf.. That was one episode.. As I continued using (to loose weight I started liking the high I felt skinny pretty) and ..

Things got worse after 3years .. I didn't just use on weekends it was every day.. One day I tought my boyfriend wanted to kill me with cable wires that he had in his car.. I was afraid of him for weeks! Than I tought my dad kidnapped my mom.. Then one time I went to Vegas I tought a guy kidnapped us after and my friends didn't want to pay for me too so I was gonna die I tought they were watching our hole entire trip.. I didn't think we were in Vegas I tought it was FAKE VEGAS.. That was another episode then I tought it was the end of the world and I had until 5:30 pm to save myself .. I was so paranoid hearing voices talk and have conversations about the pope.. It was raining so hard I tought my mom noticed or found my meth so she called guys in blue shirt to take me to a crazy home.. They were all outside..that day.. And that same day I went to my boyfriends house and I started hearing his aunt and cousin have a conversation about how ugly and fat I was and they told his new gf she was better and they liked her better..

It was all hallucinations and delusions!!! The other episode I had I tought my mom killed my dad and cooked his meat and fed it to me how crazy is that.. I didn't fucking learn my lesson time after time after time that one night I went to a music festival and I didn't sleep the night before... I kept doing more meth and more meth at the end of the night things got weird.. I knew I was gonna get in a car accident because my friend warned me and then what happened next we got in the car accident after that I didn't know if I was alive or dead I tought my friends were trying to leave me in hell when they were dropping me off home I couldn't recognize my mom or anyone .. I trusted my mom and went inside I was very hurt from the accident but also sleep deprived and going thinking and talking crazy.. WHY DIDNT I LEARN MY LESSON..

Ten days later ... I did meth again just the last time to loose 5lbs i said.. I didn't sleep a full night and the next day I kept doing it thru the day and I had night classes at 7pm I got to college and things immediately got weird people around me and their faces were EVIL I SAW EVIL AND THEIR BODY POSTURES AND EVERYTHING I KNEW IT WASNT REAL . But when I was sleep deprived and on meth I Oviously was seeing shit . Those evil faces scared me so bad I called the police and the police got there and I didn't know if it was really the police I didn't know who to trust .. Why didn't I call my mom..

They took me in detention and I never got arrested before in my life so Oviously I wasn't letting myself I wasn't cooperating... They took me in .. Forced me into a restraint chair with belts like if I was crazy.. They kicked me and I know now that's it's Oviously their job. They put a bag on my head and since I'm so ignorant I tought it was an electric chair... And I was going to die..

After I calmed down they took me off the chair and let me call and use the phones.. Then they threw me in a white room and locked me there all night .. I tought I died and I was going to heaven or hell when they released me I tought I passed away.. I tought I was an angel I was still trippin really bad on meth .. I saw evil again I was so scared then my be picked me up I went to his house and I tought he took me to Mexico anyway I slept it off and sobered up and now I am so afraid to touch crystal meth ever again!!!!!

I will not do it again I promised myself my fear is so much greater than my addiction .. I'm glad I'm alive and I thank god that he helped me and showed me things so I can get better this is exactly what I had to go thru to finally say fuck my life is so much worth it other than depending on a drug that honestly IS EVIL. Now I'm scared to even go outside of my house nothing is the same and even though I'm clean I'm afraid I'll get like that again even tho it's impossible those faces and all these things will stick with me forever..

I'm not the same anymore I'm always crying I don't go to work or school I'm in my room trapped all day I don't go out I don't work out I'm locked in my room I'm afraid of people and I need help .. I need someone to tell me how to get better and someone that's been thru this .. Don't do it .. Not even once it's not worth it I promise you are so much better ��
 
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Yeah meth = serious business. You better have a tough mental composition if you want to ride the lightning, that's for sure...I can't even do that drug anymore. I got into slamming it and the comedowns just became extremely physically uncomfortable, with my heart racing and widespread pain throughout my body. Despite using it on-and-off for the past 3 years or so, I've never really experienced "amphetamine psychosis", though, although I knew plenty of people who did. The longest I'd ever be strung out for was 3 days, and that was a rarity...

ps use paragraphs when you type something
 
Where should I start.. From the beginning .. You don't know me and I know seeing this as long as it is .. You might exit but wait and listen it might be very helpful to you.. And maybe in fact helpful to me. . I don't ever want anyone to experience what I have experienced.. To see what I have seen or to even feel what I have felt.. This is my story.. At the age of 15 I would do allot of cocaine I tought it was cool and what not and one day I found a baggy of something that looked like Coke but not nessesaraly Coke .. I didn't know what it was.. It was there because someone in my family worked at a bar (that's another story I will not go into detail about) and the point is that it was there I took it and that night me and my friend that was living with me at the moment went to drink with some friends and the curiosity was so high that we asked my friend what it was and he immediately said wtf don't do this shit throw it away it's crystal.. So we went home kept starring at it .. Woke up the next day to go to school and as we were getting ready .. 30 lines on a book.. We said let's try it.. Oh man.. The first time it was everything intense rush I knew math wtf? I did everything so quickly I was fucking smart. My friends chest after school got inflamed she felt like dying and I just wanted more.. How stupid was I.. I kept taking it days after days because I liked the high.. Girls in my class would talk about shadows and evil shit but I was like wtf no I don't see that bs lol.. So I had a boyfriend and he turned into a meth addict.. He confessed to me he was using for 8months straight I begged him to stop and eventually I started doing it with him for 5months it was the best getting high every day nothing wrong.. Then I started seeing girls in his garage I started thinking there was girls in his room and he was fucking them under the covers or that he was sneaking them in the house .. I BELIEVED THIS . I saw it and I heard her moaning .. And it was horrible I went on the run with him for two weeks and went 7days with no sleep that was the first time I started seeing really ugly things.. I saw a girl behind the fridge of our motel I was looking for a girl under the fridge I tought omg I tought things that are fucking out of this world.. That was my first outrage .. My second was in his garage .. Started looking under the car behind a fridge .. She was waving at me from the roof it was crazy.. I sobered up and I still believed it months after that it was true.. That ruined our relationship I strongly believed there was another female he was fucking with in the same room.. (Even sober) then it became a habit I have tought that same exact way every weekend for 2 years straight! I just didn't let it drive me insane anymore I tought he would hide her in the trunk of the car wow wtf.. That was one episode.. As I continued using (to loose weight I started liking the high I felt skinny pretty) and .. Things got worse after 3years .. I didn't just use on weekends it was every day.. One day I tought my boyfriend wanted to kill me with cable wires that he had in his car.. I was afraid of him for weeks! Than I tought my dad kidnapped my mom.. Then one time I went to Vegas I tought a guy kidnapped us after and my friends didn't want to pay for me too so I was gonna die I tought they were watching our hole entire trip.. I didn't think we were in Vegas I tought it was FAKE VEGAS.. That was another episode then I tought it was the end of the world and I had until 5:30 pm to save myself .. I was so paranoid hearing voices talk and have conversations about the pope.. It was raining so hard I tought my mom noticed or found my meth so she called guys in blue shirt to take me to a crazy home.. They were all outside..that day.. And that same day I went to my boyfriends house and I started hearing his aunt and cousin have a conversation about how ugly and fat I was and they told his new gf she was better and they liked her better.. It was all hallucinations and delusions!!! The other episode I had I tought my mom killed my dad and cooked his meat and fed it to me how crazy is that.. I didn't fucking learn my lesson time after time after time that one night I went to a music festival and I didn't sleep the night before... I kept doing more meth and more meth at the end of the night things got weird.. I knew I was gonna get in a car accident because my friend warned me and then what happened next we got in the car accident after that I didn't know if I was alive or dead I tought my friends were trying to leave me in hell when they were dropping me off home I couldn't recognize my mom or anyone .. I trusted my mom and went inside I was very hurt from the accident but also sleep deprived and going thinking and talking crazy.. WHY DIDNT I LEARN MY LESSON.. Ten days later ... I did meth again just the last time to loose 5lbs i said.. I didn't sleep a full night and the next day I kept doing it thru the day and I had night classes at 7pm I got to college and things immediately got weird people around me and their faces were EVIL I SAW EVIL AND THEIR BODY POSTURES AND EVERYTHING I KNEW IT WASNT REAL . But when I was sleep deprived and on meth I Oviously was seeing shit . Those evil faces scared me so bad I called the police and the police got there and I didn't know if it was really the police I didn't know who to trust .. Why didn't I call my mom.. They took me in detention and I never got arrested before in my life so Oviously I wasn't letting myself I wasn't cooperating... They took me in .. Forced me into a restraint chair with belts like if I was crazy.. They kicked me and I know now that's it's Oviously their job. They put a bag on my head and since I'm so ignorant I tought it was an electric chair... And I was going to die.. After I calmed down they took me off the chair and let me call and use the phones.. Then they threw me in a white room and locked me there all night .. I tought I died and I was going to heaven or hell when they released me I tought I passed away.. I tought I was an angel I was still trippin really bad on meth .. I saw evil again I was so scared then my be picked me up I went to his house and I tought he took me to Mexico anyway I slept it off and sobered up and now I am so afraid to touch crystal meth ever again!!!!! I will not do it again I promised myself my fear is so much greater than my addiction .. I'm glad I'm alive and I thank god that he helped me and showed me things so I can get better this is exactly what I had to go thru to finally say fuck my life is so much worth it other than depending on a drug that honestly IS EVIL. Now I'm scared to even go outside of my house nothing is the same and even though I'm clean I'm afraid I'll get like that again even tho it's impossible those faces and all these things will stick with me forever.. I'm not the same anymore I'm always crying I don't go to work or school I'm in my room trapped all day I don't go out I don't work out I'm locked in my room I'm afraid of people and I need help .. I need someone to tell me how to get better and someone that's been thru this .. Don't do it .. Not even once it's not worth it I promise you are so much better ?
Wow that is some crazy stuff. How are you feeling now? How long have you been clean? About five years ago I was hitting the meth pretty hard and I went through the paranoid delusions, hallucinations etc. It was very difficult because I was freaked out and just isolated myself and thought everyone was out to get me. When I quit it took about 8-10 days I think until I felt like I was back to square one. I have always felt weird though and have had difficulties of my own doing my whole life. Well I really hope you are getting better, sleep if you can, eat when you can and exercise of you are up to it. It's hard though I know because that shit will call to you 24/7. Especially after you get back to normal. I am glad you are in a place to say you will never touch that shot again, the experiences I had scared me into quitting and for some reason I was able to stay completely away from it. There are a lot of good people here that can help you and know what you are going through. So let us know how you are progressing and please be careful!
 
It's been a month since I went to jail and a month and a half since my car accident .. I haven't done meth since the day I got out of jail.. And to be completely honest .. I still don't go outside I literarly don't leave my house. For the first 3 weeks that I been sober whenever I went out let's say to the store or anywhere my mind would make me see that people were trying to come for me or walk towards me eaither really fast or in slow motion. I still see that whenever I'm talking to someone I completely see them pause and I get scared and it finally gets to normal .

It's hard to explain. A month with locked doors and sober but still very afraid of regular people or being alone I feel as if that traumatized me :( I want to go back to regular life and activity but I'm taking little steps.. I been going to the store and going out but never alone and actually going to the kitchen or porch by myself now. ( I was locked in my room like a little ball in the corner) so I guess it's progress :,( thank you so much for replying! Now I know I'm not alone
 
It's been a month since I went to jail and a month and a half since my car accident .. I haven't done meth since the day I got out of jail.. And to be completely honest .. I still don't go outside I literarly don't leave my house. For the first 3 weeks that I been sober whenever I went out let's say to the store or anywhere my mind would make me see that people were trying to come for me or walk towards me eaither really fast or in slow motion. I still see that whenever I'm talking to someone I completely see them pause and I get scared and it finally gets to normal .

It's hard to explain. A month with locked doors and sober but still very afraid of regular people or being alone I feel as if that traumatized me :( I want to go back to regular life and activity but I'm taking little steps.. I been going to the store and going out but never alone and actually going to the kitchen or porch by myself now. ( I was locked in my room like a little ball in the corner) so I guess it's progress :,( thank you so much for replying! Now I know I'm not alone
Hey there, believe it or not but I had similar feelings. I was so paranoid that I wouldn't go out in public or answer the phone an I though all kinds of delusional thoughts which of course were real to me at the time. I know it sucks and is difficult, but it sounds like you are taking slow steps forward. It will get better eventually, time is the great healer, just sometimes it seems like you are stuck in lunacy and it will never change or go away. I am glad you have a good start being clean and if you continue to take it one step/day at a time things will start to normalize. How is your appetite been? That was and still is one of the most difficult things for me because I still don't eat much and I never plan anything healthy. You are definitely not alone there are so many people in the same boat as us, so please keep hanging in there and any help you need please don't hesitate to ask. Take care!
 
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