The beginning of a new chapter. I have the opposite journey - in and out of relationships for most of my life I've always been a romantic and great at dating - struggled with letting people get to know me and would struggle to balance who I am with 'who I thought you want me to be'. This would lead to an invariable cycle of putting on a version of myself to keep my partner from discovering the real me and then eventually things falling apart, usually with me as the obvious issue. It made it hard for me to really know how to open myself up so I'd repeat the cycle and end up with more emotional trauma as the years went on. I got married 5 years ago (I'm in my early 40s now) and its the first relationship where I had done work on accepting who I was and not trying to hide that while actively trying to be more self-aware even as the relationship has grown. It takes work, maintenance, and openness that is not always the stuff men are taught about with regards to emotions and vulnerability.
I can relate - and there can be a lot we allow ourselves to have in our lives rather than establishing and setting boundaries that protect our needs, while also being vulnerable to truly let people into our inner world. It's a tricky balance.
They're out there. What I am guessing you mean is you want a person with strong values who live by those values - a code that they truly embody - and whose code also involves deep intimacy and openness sexually. Often we find sexiness is mixed in with being 'bad' which can be very fun and also very fucking destructive. Sex positivity involves being open, honest, transparent, and communicative. I'd look for people who are aware of their own code/values and whose values align with your own. Perhaps that also means spending time deciding what your values are as a human.
How many women do they make like that?
People have to make themselves - we're writing our own stories. Find people who have done the work.
We're all a work in progress - I seek out people who are involved in the kinds of things a person I would want to be around would be involved in. For me, that means I spend time involved with activities that are aimed at helping other people, personal growth, and connection to community. These are the kinds of places that people who I want to have in my life will also be present in. I've also found that I need to become friends with someone as I get to know them and that's the ideal path to building true intimacy and connection.
Also - thanks for sharing about your own stuff. Glad you felt like you could open up. Our suffering comes at a price and it also imparts the potential for tremendous wisdom in the process.
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