meth for a year, to feel human, on a lot of meds for mental disorder, double life.

[jean burbank]

An addict, and so far gone from caring about it because I hate being bed ridden, all i care about is being creative, and being a human, i am afraid to sleep because i don't know who I will be in the morning, a empty person of lethargic agoraphobia, who will be bed ridden for four days unable to pick up a pen. I hate not being creative, manic, which the meth mellows things to a medium. a calm. I feel human.. I don't even know what meth even really feels like, according to what it does to this who are the meth addict they show with the bad skin in rage fucking their relationships up so what they say it does. like my friend mat, he has complete different reasons he does it, and he feels and does weird shit on it. I don't get it. It's like a medication for me. ANd like i can't explain that to my boyfriend who sees me, and has no idea, that if i wasn't on it, i wouldn't be able to fucking go to the bar and even be functional. at first a year ago it was keeping me in the relationship, and i felt guilty, now its just second nature, it really doesn't make me feel like I'm having fun anymore at all, it feels like a chore. I don't like it i don't wana do it any more. I just did 13 days off it, just did a some, still have some, since monday, because i have felt weird and like death and like a fucking un human . the minute i did that line, i immediately wanted to sing with my friend i had amazing conversations, omg i was alive again. I was human. fuck. ok i have adder all because i wanted it to get of meth but it doesn't work. fuck!!!!! omg what do i do. ok change my med. stop them and become a fucking crazy manic woman again full of crazy ideas and thought s again? hmmm, fuck, mania is scary i tell ya, it is . people start to hate you and really get freaked out. really
omg
has anybody experienced anything like this

 

[justjp]

I can close my eyes and hear my girlfriend explaining it to me, in a pleading, please understand me sort of way, your words were hers...

 

[Halif]

has anybody experienced anything like this

yes. the details are different but I get what you're saying. it's not a good place to be in. I hope you can sort things out and find a way of living which is more cohesive.

 

[Renz Envy]

You crash and rise to normal.

Or you bob and weave.
I am the same. I don't get "High", however I will gladly take the side effects to be productive. I hate the high. Too anxious.

Mindset is a huge co-factor in drug use and life. All thoughts/feelings snowball IMO. Meth speeds up thoughts. You're in the class of creative users. Keep reading up on it. You'll get your answers in the Advanced Drug Decision board.
The best advice I can give is to be 100% comfortable in your skin on whatever decisions you make.

 

[Hiltoniano]

Yea that feeling of being normal only on drugs means there is a problem in your life and drugs allow escape. There is no actual solving of those problems when using drugs, as illistrated by the fact that you feel unhuman again after only a few days of sobriety. Make immense change in your thought proccess and lifestyle in order to find happiness. Drugs are not the answer my friend, although the addicted voice in your head will always tell you otherwise.

 

[kingtweaker92]

im going through this same exact stuff. the meth has become a fucking chore, when i see it theres a part of me that fucking hates it, my facial expression will change (i feel it) but theres that strong silent type of mother fucker in the back of my mind that says "you need this shit"

im personally looking into a detox facility that i can afford to ensure i go through it as comfy as possible, i know from what i learned my first stay in rehab that if you can make it through them rough days of withdrawl, stay active, find a hobby, anything besides laying down in bed, watching tv, etc.. to get you active the days just get better.
of course cravings are always an issue, and everyone will find their ways to cope. mine is staying busy. it distracts my mind, in turn giving me peace of mind. eventually i felt more amazing than i ever have.
i fucked up though, told myself i could be a moderate user, so back to treatment i go!

wish you the best Jean!
keep your head up!
for every dark night, theres a brighter day!

 

[Hear Me Roar]

Hey Jean,

Don't worry you're not alone, many people get to the point were being high, becomes normality. To the degree they loose all real sense of sobriety, that being sober is no longer comfortable.

Sounds like it'd help if you spoke to someone about why you feel the way you do, your meth use and your general well being.

You should have a peak into The Dark Side, read some of the threads in there and maybe post for yourself.

Many people in the same boat, one way or another, emotionaly and habitualy.

Stay safe,

HMR