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  • Trip Reports Moderator: Cheshire_Kat

(Meth, Etc) - experienced - I can't remember 2 weeks, where it started.

NeverGreen

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 13, 2016
Messages
16
I don't really know where to start, but my actions are those of a shitty person. I've been obsessed with 'something being wrong with me' since I was 16. I went to celebrate the summer starting with some friends camping in the mountains. Hidden in my freezer was 15 hits of double dosed acid. I had just gotten my license and on our way out the door my first car rolls up, a gift from my dad.
I took 4 doses of 250µg lsd and had the most horrendously fucked up trip I wont go into. After I didn't feel the same, like I couldn't talk. I was afraid to go out or talk to people. Constantly in my head I was thinking. Thinking about thinking and rapidly cycling through thoughts.
Since I realized it was probably a severe manifestion of MDD and OCD. I spent years obsessing over being brain damaged, just the continual feeling something was wrong with me.

I've been exhausted for years, feeling ups and downs, and using drugs to cope. I started seeing a psychiatrist and titrated up to 80mg adderall, 150mg lamictal, and take seroquel to sleep. I got depressed and quit my job because in spite of taking the meds and a year of therapy I was still depressed and it wasn't working. I was in college classes but couldn't bare the load and the stress of my job putting in 40 hours a week. I wanted to be a math major, but now I'm not even sure anymore. I've done more than dabbling in drugs since, and have intravenously used multiple drugs. I'd never tried meth until about two months ago. It was alright, I just felt calm...focused and clear headed as I did before taking acid. Somehow it like fucked up my dopamine regulation and I haven't quite felt the same since. My friend group all dissipated and my mother passed as a kid, while my father has no friends of the family and there are no relatives near my household is basically dormant and consists of TV and mild conversation if I choose to engage.

I haven't felt good in years, and obsessed over my health. I've had an MRI, Chest CT, Cardiac Stress Test, Full Metabolic Panels, Testestorone, Estrogen, TSH, Stem Cell Injections for back pain, Sinus Surgery twice, and just feel sick as fuck all the time. All the tests are basically normal.

My friends would always introduce me as a genius when I was a kid, I was told by my principal I reminded him of Matt Damon in good will hunting.I used to pride myself on these things, but now I just feel dull. Ashamed of myself, although this perception oscillates. I'm 22 and haven't even finished community college, I fucked around at university for a year and a half, got addicted to injecting Heroin and dropped out at 19 for the year. Had a lovely girlfriend whose virginity I took. I was ashamed I started doping and told her and she was there for me. She stayed with me and was kind and understanding and I was able to quit entirely for the past 3 years.
Since creeping up to 150mg lamictal my mind feels slower, although it did seem to take away my horrid intrusive thoughts from Harm OCD so I suppose stagnation is preferable to constant torment. I've tried most of the drugs for my conditions and haven't really found what works.
I have tried : Lamictal, Effexor, Paxil, Seroquel, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Doxepin, Trazodone, Tramadol, Gabapentin, Parnate, Selegeline, Ambien, Xanax, Klonopin, Risperidone, Hydroxyzine, Buspar..... I'm sure I'm forgetting some.
At a self attempt of fixing I've used: Ketamine, Lsd, Mushrooms, MDMA, Ayahuasca, Tianeptine, Memantine, Marijuana, GHB, Noopept, Kava, Kratom, Amphetamine Sulfate, 2CB, Fish Oil, Probiotics, Multivitamins, Microdosing, and tons of others.
I've had many sexual partners and friends for what its worth, and seem to portray a good outward image. I can usually hide the mess in my head and get on with the day. I look decent and put together, and am from a family that is 'upper middle class'. I quit my last job of 9 months about a month ago. I've been sitting around for about a month. I have been avoiding checking my bank account, important emails, fuck.... I hardly know what day of the week it is and don't care. My cell phone is around the house somewhere but I don't have anywhere the energy to go find it. I feel like I leave a trail everywhere I go. My room and car are FUCKING TRASHED. Two weeks ago my old friend hit me up to go to some party with him that was some kid in another cities bday. I ended up seeing a girl who was 17 I'd fucked a few times before there. I'd felt conflicted about the age gap in the past. We were doing some blow and I ended up buying $40 of it from the guy. We're all doing some blow and he offered some meth. I'd never bought any but decided I would. I didn't show my friends because it's not really something we do in my circle. I'd wanted to take it for my adhd so I could sell my script, you know 30mg once a day weighed out. But of course I'm curious to smoke some. The girls come back to my place and I sneak a toke out back while letting my dog out. We're all chilling, I fuck her senseless all geeked out and spent the night not shutting the fuck up while she wanted to sleep or fuck but I wasn't really into it more than once, even though she was fucking perfect.

I had some rigs from doing sub-q injections of semax & selank awhile back and took a shot of 100mg at about 3 am. I ended up pulling an all nighter, and zipping to the walgreens at 5 am to grab a day after pill after having unprotected sex for an hour.
I started titrating paxil just before all this. I spent the next day geeked on the .9 grams I got and used it until about 3 am. Knocked myself out with seroquel, woke up to take my last shot. After this I took a few day break, didn't even take my 80mg Dexies I got rx'd and had taken every day. The next 3 days were recovery mode, then I snagged another teener because the guy from the party hit me up saying he had some new ice in. I shoot some and was fucking bordering psychosis for just a moment. I was going to smoke a cig but my heart rate was so high. I thought I saw a reeper outside in the church adjacent my house. looked like the figure was smoking a cig. I said fuck it and smoked one with my bp cuff on. I snorted 4 zaleplon and thought my dog was saying my name as he chewed his bone. The next day I felt fine no reminescant psychosis. Somewhere in there I bought another gram of geek. Looked good, smelled good, etc. but made my bp spike to 190/110. When I took the shot it just felt like someone grabbed deep in the right side of my chest all the way through the back. Like getting impaled. I told the ER I had taken 60mg of dexies, not shoot 200mg of maybe bunk meth

. It quit getting me high at all somewhere in here. The ER gave me an EKG, tiold me I wasn't having a heart attack, took some blood to look for clots, bp, etc. Somehow they didn't see my bruised up forearms for needle marks. I've got probably 50 rigs I need to toss but havent had the energy to. My buddy came over the following night and I shot meth with him, he had a euphoric rush, didn't sleep for 2 days, but also felt the massive body load afterwards. After he left I spent the day slamming again, only to have the same symptoms. A couple times I took the antihypertensive drug nifedipene and guanfacine to lower my blood pressure and then continued shooting meth. I have been starting 20mg paxil this whole time and taking my lamictal. I have no idea if I missed an apt with my shrink or if its next week. I've been off for 3 days, and pulled an all nighter clean and felt great for a minute. Ended up crashing at 1pm and waking up at 7pm today.Got my gabapentin refilled and have been taking grams of it to mellow yellow myself out. I've got a horrible sinus infection and heart palpatations. I'm tempted to shoot some more meth as i hadn't finished my bag and still have .8 or so. Then again I think it may be bunk, even though it looked perfect. I've spent hours researching conditions from plural effusion to somatic symptom disorder to transient ischemia etc. I've been too scared to sign up for college classes and have zero responsibility beyond my dog, and a $600 monthly stipend from my dad. I feel suicidal with my reckless behavior, but don't want to die. In fact the whole time I had my phone on me ready to call 911 if I needed. Anyways I'm just rambling now. So yeah there's uhh whats happening.


I figure no one will take the time to read this, but it just feels nice to type it out and tell someone as I said, I seem normal outwardly and no one would suspect drug abuse or other maladies so I have no one to tell.






Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_methamphetamine
substancecode_meth
substancecode_amphetamines
explevel_experienced
exptype_negative
exptype_healthissues
exptype_disaster
exptype_addiction
roacode_iv
 
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If you look at any form of life, like a tree for example, there are many aspects that do not seem ideal according to some model of the universe.
your brain, good will hunting, is an excellent modeler. All the more so because you can effortlessly toss away the last model and bring up a new one.

My recommendation is to immerse in life and not treat any of the little issues (too sleepy, lack of sleep, pain, dullness, etc.) as if they are medical conditions. Don't medicate. Each medication, only shoehorns up one part of your system, and the rest flounders. They are good only to get through a non-drug crunch, but after immersion in drugs, drugs do not do much good.

So
Come back to your more natural playful self. enjoy your mental models and enjoy the real world, then make new models; there is plenty of work available for people who can do what you can do. rediscover your self.
 
It sounds like you're doing too much meth. With no tolerance a happy dose is like 30 mg not 100mg.

In terms of your other problems, I'd like to say that you'll feel better someday.
 
You're 22. The sooner you stop using drugs, the quicker your natural good health, energy, intelligence, and most importantly contentment will return. All of the medical tests you've mentioned show that there is nothing physically or irreparably wrong with you. So stop now before you manage to screw something up more permanently!

That is to say ... if your actions are those of a "shitty person" (your words) then change the way you're acting.
 
P. S. Get a job, it will help with your depression. Even at a Gas Station; they're hella fun to work at, at least in Vegas they are, and you make decent money.
 
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