Thanks for creating the thread, I have posted a few before about Amphetmine use, I don't post over in TDS much but I find it a great source of support that I just can't get from any other source.
I'll try to keep things succinct, I'm now in my early 40's and to most people appear 'normal' ...successful even. I have a long suffering wife that I've been with since I was 15, we have 2 beautiful children, a decent house and I earn enough to give us an above average standard of living, nothing fancy but we don't scrimp to pay the bills.
My youth 18-30 was spent partying hard, I live in the UK and became involved in the free party scene in a big way, the whole quasi religious deal. I used MDMA and amphetamines as well as a daily and significant hash habit for many years. About 8 years of partying around 3 times a month and 15 years of hash use daily.
When we decided to have children ( I could right a page full of the problems we had in this area but it isn't all that relevant) I gave up smoking and we stopped partying for a while. Once the children were born occasional partying continued and around this time I stated to develop signs of depression, I had quite a serious episode but never sought treatment. Things got worse when we had our second child and I started using coke, on my own in an abusive manner, I lost the ability to control my drug use around this time and started drinking heavily as well, not to mention taking other stimulants on more days than not.
In the end a few years ago I had a serious breakdown and ended up in a a secure mental health unit and was off work for 3 months, I've struggled with persistant depression ever since, medication has helped a little and CBT maybe more so. I find myself almost unable to form meaningful friendships or socialise, if I had the choice I doubt I would leave the house.
But I still hold down a good job and to most people function normally, I'm troubled by thoughts of suicide and self loathing much of the time and can no longer discuss such things with my partner for fear of worrying her further or being met by some of the anger and blame I know she harbours about the things I do.
I've been through a protracted period of addiction to illicit Benzos but beaten that and managed to totally cease drinking which had became a bottle of whiskey a day habit.
Over the last 12-18months I've started taking amphetamines, in the UK this is mainly Amphetamine Sulphate, meth is not widely available. Partly driven by issues with insomnia and fatigue but also just because I like taking them and I can handle the comedown without dropping into serious depression.
My use is sporadic not daily, I'll score some and take it until it's gone that might be a couple of days it might me 3-4 days mostly every other week, I can function at work by low dosing and mostly can be quite productive. My tolerance to Amphetamines seems quite high but I've always been that way and due to years of insomnia lack of sleep is something I can handle, in fact the crash and the few nights that follow where I can get a decent few hours is a positive.
My partner doesn't like me using and fears I am damaging my mental health and will have another breakdown, occasionally this spills over into bad feeling but in the main it's tolerated as she knows I react badly to others trying to control my life.
None of the above really says much.....I'm grappling with this one. On the one hand I know amphetamines are habit forming, mess with my brain chemistry and could precipitate psychosis as well as not being generally good for my health.
One the other hand I experience very little in the way of happiness or contentment and lack motivation to socialise etc, Amphetamines help with these things or at least they seem to.
I note that in the US Amphetamines are prescribed for symptoms similar to mine but this isn't done in the UK, they hardly prescribe benzos anymore let alone Adderall.
I'm interested in peoples views of the pros and conns of amphetamine use for someone suffering long term acute depression
Thanks for reading
