Meth/Amphetamines: Serious Discussion Only - V.2: MERGED with amps quitting thread

[footscrazy]

Thanks so much KStoner6tb, that really made my day. Been struggling a bit this weekend but have managed to stay off, so I guess that's a good thing.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Hey Mia,
I just gotta tell you how amazed I am that you are able to stop even for three or four days at a time. I only kicked cause I went to a classy rehab where I couldn't get ahold of meth if I tried. I was on a freaking island. Until then, I could not stay clean for an hour, let alone a day or more. I desperately wanted to, and I would tell myself I was getting clean, as I was loading up another pipe. And of course this all seemed rational to me. I just have to give you props for doing it on your own.

I stayed clean after rehab by listening to everything they had to say. They said to say goodbye to using friends, I did. They said to go to a meeting everyday, I did. I didn't like all of it, but I figured my best thinking got me really messed up, so I listened to someone else.

Keep on trying, I know you have it in you.

Thanks

I feel like my attempts are just pathetic and weak. I really just can't imagine getting off of this drug, ever. I've honestly never quit because I wanted to, it was always because I had fucked up so much I needed to go to rehab to get help from my parents or was underage and got caught and forced to detox... and then it was always, ugh, got to get clean for a while then can use again.

I just don't know how to deal with life anymore without this drug. It's not even, fuck I had a bad day, moment, experience... or I just want to go crazy... or I can just use ONCE... it's fuck I need to be a functioning human being today and not falling asleep, sufferning from massive head aches, eating like a fucking black hole, so sore I can barely get out of bed, so I need to go snort some crystal meth so I can go to work and not be homeless/hungry. I was talking to one of my friends who is clean from many years of H abuse and he was telling me "but being on H is so much more fun than speed..." but seriously I do not have fun on this drug its just the way I live, and it always has been that way since I started using. I used to fool everyone because I would use so much less than them and they would think I wasn't an addict, just an occasional user... but I really have never used to get high, I've used everyday without fail just to be on a maintenance level that allows me to deal with all the other fucked up mental problems I have.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Brother, I can't imagine how difficult it would be to manage an opiate addiction while shooting meth. I have been managing an opiate addiction myself and it takes everything out of me, couldn't imagine throwing speed of any kind into the mix.

fortunately at the moment i still havent relapsed on meth, yet. basically when i get into the meth most of my opiate use takes a halt except for those times when im in desperate need of coming down or easing the craziness the meth can bring on. it's a miracle that i didnt use last week and over this weekend just gone.

 

[jspun]

easing the craziness the meth can bring on

In response to what leftwing said above: Over a two year period I smoked tweek on top of the heroin which was my primary DOC. This didn't span the whole period but daily use occured in chunks: 3 months here, 2 months there, ect... I would say that I was much more stable and able to function than friends I had who were straight tweekers. Dope using friends of mine seemed to have the same experience as me- with benzos thrown into mix able to sleep and eat better. By contrast, my last relapse which was only 2 weeks long but straight meth and no opiates- I completely lost my mind. Not to give anyone here ideas. Almost tempted to advocate this in the interest of harm reduction- on second thought a very, very, bad, bad idea. Pertaining to the rest of leftwings post- I have actually seen people kick stuff using meth, but then they usually continue to tweek.

Anyway a you tube Al Jezeera segment on Tik smoking in South Africa with some mandrax smoking thrown in at end. Trigger alert graphic drug use. Today watching it makes me more glad I aint smoking that shit-I recommend though that you don't watch if you feel you can't handle it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySLoAvfthIU

keep up the good work leftwing! I came close a couple of weeks ago myself- and that was after 10 months- finding old pizzel was my trigger.

 

[Jabberwocky]

thanks for the support jspun, but i caved in last night. i ended splitting a half with a mate, shooting that and scored some oxy...which i shot as well. im a bit disappointed but it's only a minor setback. ill get back to here when i get more time, gotta scoot off to get some CT scans

 

[stygian]

My stimulant use started off with the occasional smokage of a foilie. But when the real good shit started comin around it became alittle more of a habit. Then I discovered Adderall, and for the next 10 months or so I was always on one or the other. I knew I was doing too much, it's one of those things you feel on the inside. But I didn't really mind. Then something really depressing which I don't really wanna discuss, happened. I had nothing to blame but the speed. I quit cold turkey, and have dropped the a-bombs a mere 5 times since then. I didn't crave them at all, I was done. I just had an absolutely TERRIBLE lack of energy and motivation for quite a while after that. I don't like stims nearly as much now as I did then. Not even close.

 

[jspun]

im a bit disappointed but it's only a minor setback.

Relapse is a fact of life in the meth community. Minor or major, the most imporant thing is that if we are still alive we get another chance to quit- so above all everybody please practice harm reduction and stay safe. By some fuckin insane miracle if i stay clean in two weeks i'll have a year clean- If you have read this thread I came close- so I am a believer, as corny as it sounds that we all have only today. An excerpt from black poppy magazine online about quiting dexedrine injecting I thought was interesting:




Fuck Filtering - A Decade of Dexedrine Use... Anon

I wasn't into speed at first. It was mainly methadone ampoules and downers
I could never understand why other drug users used to hang about the West End after they'd scored their meth amps to get Dexedrine pills. I could never see what it was about y'know? But after seeing people do it a few times, some guy filtering the Dexies then mixing them with the meth amps, I decided to try it. I had a hit and I really enjoyed it and it was not long after that I scored some myself. I took them home, crushed them up, tipped the powder into a spoon, swirled it round with a spike top, put a filter in and drew it up for a hit. The moment I had it I was vomiting all over the place and felt shit! I really didn't enjoy it and had a meth amp straight after to take the edge off, which it did.

I've never enjoyed speed, in fact I hate speed, it smells like cats piss but put together with the meth amps, I found they did the trick. The buzz gave me confidence, it felt good and it was soon a case of I wouldn't have one without the other. Back then when I started taking Dexedrine (about 1992), there wasn't any information about how to filter tablets properly (still isn't) except from other users. Most people used to just crush them up in a works wrapper and tip the powder into a syringe barrel where they were filtered and then mixed with the liquid from the amps. I've even seen the Dex used on its own, using the blood from flushing as the liquid - hitting them up raw. But most people had some sort of filtering technique. For the first few years I just used to crush them up on the way home from the chemist, tip the dex into the barrel, put the plunger back in and draw up my amps, without filtering. Fuck filtering I thought, what's all that about? In the beginning I had loads of veins so I didn't bother filtering. People used to tell me to filter them but I didn't start doing it until I started having problems with my veins. Then it got to the stage when I was one of those guys hanging about, looking for dex up the west end.

It was quite a crazy time for me then. The scene was up the West End in London, around Cleveland Street. There was a needle exchange there and you'd walk around the block to see who had what. These days, it's all been moved along by the old bill to the bottom of Centrepoint which is more dangerous. Apart from the police wanting to nick the drug users, there's also police about looking for thieves or shoplifters, so drug users don't stand a chance up there at the moment. There needs to be a safer haven. I really do feel that drug users are being cast as 'dirty people'. I mean, alright some people don't or can't look after themselves too well and they might have grubby hands or clothes but that doesn't mean they're 'dirty'. Having to spend all your money on black-market drugs can leave you pretty poor and these people are being judged by their appearance. I've heard awful stories of some local businessmen employing vigilante types to go and bash fuck out of some of the homeless users, and I mean baseball bats…All to get them off the corner of the road, away from their businesses. And this was only a few years ago.

I used to take a lot of downers, Rohypnol, Valium etc. The Rohyies were purple at the time so I used to suck the colouring off until they were white, spit them into a wrapper, crush them with my teeth and add that to my I.V concoctions - all without filtering. Because I was into downers a lot, I think that adding the Dexedrine to things helped perk me up a bit. But I became different. I stopped being myself. People didn't like being around me because I was annoying. I'd talk and talk and talk and not let people finish what they were saying. I would sweat a lot, I'd have blotches on my face - people just didn't recognise me because of how I looked and how I was acting; I just really changed as a person. My mum couldn't even stand to be around me. She never used to want to come and visit me and every time I went around there it was a nightmare. I'd start pulling out all the clothes and throwing them in the bath wanting to wash them, just doing crazy things. I became someone totally different. Only now, believe it, only now, 11 years later, now that I'm finally off the Dex, can I actually see what I must have been like to be around because I can see other people the way I used to be.
I spot behaviours in people that I know are Dex related. Like certain movements, or tics, or when people want to speak and they go 'errrggh, ergh, err, ahh….'and they've got their mouth open but because they're speeding so much, it's like the mind and the brain don't all connect but they're still wanting to speak! Hoarding things is another one. I've done this myself, been in and out of dustbins and stuff, collecting a lot of useless bits and pieces and then never throwing anything out. My mates pal does it and he's got money, he doesn't even need the stuff! One day we walked past Sutherland Ave and heard this shuffling about in the bin and this head popped up and it was this guy! I mean this guy has got plenty of money but he does it because he's out of it on Dexedrine! It's an obsessive compulsive thing though. Cleaning is another one. Or starting to clean up and then leaving everything out all over the place. Even though I've not used Dex for about 6 months now I find I've still kept a few funny habits although most of my behaviour has totally changed.

I never saw myself Dexedrine free. I really couldn't see it happening because I was using them out of necessity in the end. I was swallowing them the last year, just having to get used to the fact that I couldn't inject them anymore coz I had no veins left. But I couldn't function without them. Not using them to get a buzz but just to get through the day. But believe me, just a day without them would be really bad because then I'd feel my Hep C and my liver problems kick in and the lethargy was just the worst.

There should be more help available for people with Dex or amphetamine/stimulant problems. I mean it was a real problem for me, I couldn't stop them. I just couldn't. I have actually brought myself to tears on many, many occasions through withdrawing from Dex; the anger and the frustration. It's quite scary thinking about it now. As far as help went, I was offered a place at a stimulant clinic in Earls Court. Yet they weren't willing to give any treatment drugs and herein lies half the problem. No-one was willing to prescribe me Dexedrine and support me reducing and all I wanted, all I was saying was "Listen, I have a problem with these Dex, I do get them on prescription from a private doctor, I just want you to give me them here for a period of 2 weeks but during that 2 weeks I will reduce down to nothing". That's how much I wanted to get off them. But they couldn't or wouldn't prescribe Dexedrine to someone Dexedrine dependent. In the end, I did it at home myself, after being on them for almost 12 years.

It was my infatuation with a younger woman that made me decide to give them up. One time when I was with her, I was just sweating and sweating and I felt really uncomfortable and embarrassed. I was trying to reduce my Dex use at the time anyway, so I decided to drop my dosage down to nothing over a week or so and then I just stopped them altogether.

It was difficult for the first few weeks, especially because I've got Hepatitis C. The lethargy, the depression, feeling fucked off... The world seemed dark and grey and I just didn't want to go out into it. I felt a bit cold inside, a bit empty, like when you're coming off another drug and there's that hollowness, that loss… The Dexedrine tablets were there in my house but I wouldn't take any. I think in a way it helps to have them there so you don't feel panicked at not having them close by. When I felt lethargic I would just refuse to take them and would make myself a really strong cup of coffee instead, which seemed to help.Dexedrine had blocked out a lot of stuff for me. Even though they didn't knock me out, they used to make me forget because my mind would be racing around and not reflective or quiet. Once I stopped, I got very anxious, had panic attacks, would get the shakes etc. but after 2 weeks, it got a lot easier. I still get very emotional and low sometimes, but considering I took them for 10-12 years, it's going to take a bit of time to recover fully.


So the first few weeks were very difficult for me. After that, I went through a period where I was either completely laughing hysterically, I'm talking about like, on my own, in pieces over something totally pathetic, or literally crying, sobbing my heart out, hard and deep with my face in my hands. It has been very emotional.

I used to shoot up all sorts of pharmaceuticals. I'd mix Dex with methadone amps, Cyclomorph amps, valium amps, Rohypnol, trying to find the right balance to get the right buzz. I have been told several times by doctors that if I carried on injecting like that that I would lose a leg. That really scared me because I know some people that have lost a leg or an arm or fingers or toes. I mean I've got fucked up legs, I've got holes in my body and I don't have good circulation in my feet or my legs either and this is all to do with fixing up the Dex and other pills. I have oedema, varicose veins, Deep Vein Thrombosis, Hepatitis C and plenty of scars. My legs are still totally fucked up. I think the Dex have affected me badly in the long run. I think I'm actually very lucky to be alive.

I really can't believe that I'm actually sitting here writing about how I don't take Dexedrine anymore. I'm really shocked. Here I am writing about this - and I'm not even on them, I'm Dex free! The first 1 to 2 weeks were the worst but once you get past that, it's just a case of trying to balance out your own self - your personality. Bringing that person back to the surface is difficult but for me it was something I had to find a way to do. I say I don't know where the strength came from, or the power, but I do really because it came from within myself - who else? My mum has been a big inspiration for me; having had similar problems herself we can both talk about things openly. She still struggles, just like I do sometimes.

I can only think to myself I've done the best thing, I've got Hep C and a bad liver. I swallowed a couple a few weeks ago I was up and about doing things in the day but later on that night I became really ill, I couldn't breath properly my kidneys were sore I felt weak and lethargic - all from necking a couple of Dex. I even tried to take one a week later and that just made me feel really sick and panicky.

A lot of thought and attention needs to be put into how to deal with stimulant problems - because they are an issue all on their own - and a growing one. Speed and Dexies are seen as a sideline drug and are treated by the medical profession accordingly, i.e. not seriously. They just seem to think of speed users as either poly drug users, as though it's a recreational drug you use 'on top of' your drug of choice and not a real problem in itself, which it clearly is for some people.

For me, Dexedrine has fucked my life up and I'm still picking up the pieces. When the time comes to do something about supporting stimulant users, let's hope they remember to ask the speed users too.

 

[lestahb]

Just realized I'm coming up on 4 years clean of meth. I'm pretty amazed. That drugs grabbed me the first time I tried it, and I went, full throttle for two and a half years. I am trying to clean up the wreakage of my life, both literally and figuratively. I spent two hours yesterday cleaning out boxes and boxes of notebooks that I had from my using days. They were filled with page upon page of to-do lists. all of them reminding me to put clothes on, grab stuff from downstairs, brush my teeth, and mostly smoke a bowl. I wrote those lists, but never glanced at them again. It has taken me 4 years to even open those boxes, and there are at least a hundred of those little notebooks. No original thoughts, just things to do, and nothing ever got done.

On the up side, my brain is slightly healing, as I sat down yesterday and did a crossword puzzle. Not a hard one, but I finished it. And I'm okay by myself now, still don't like sitting still, but I'm less crazy than before. For all those out there, it can be done, even though it feels like it is not possible, it can be done.

Smiling,
Lestah

 

[zephyr]

I am pretty angry at the moment.

I am upset because I was honest with my doctors, telling my gp about my use of amphetamines and disclosing my history of amphetamines lead to a series of both humiliating and incorrect diagnosing of a problem I had with my skin. This in turn lead to a long period of agoraphobia, panic attacks and seclusion which continues to this day.

About a year and a half ago, I went to the doctor as I had bad skin. It was not the usual bad skin people get due to hormone issues, or diet or whatever but at that point my skin did look like that of a tweaker- just bad acne according to my gp, and I was given antibiotics.

This didn't help. I went back as my skin got worse, my doctor said it was due to my drug history. I had ceased using at that time and this was not believed. I said I was seeing things crawl like hairs across my head and neck, felt it too and this was apparently drug induced psychosis. Again, I was not using.

I was referred to a dermatologist but in that letter from my gp my drug use was mentioned, I clearly had a lump near my ear and under my chin. I was called paranoid and told to see a shrink. I did this, but my suspicion that a cyst I had removed years earlier in the same spot was written off. I was told I was seeing things that were not there.

I went back and forth over several months with the same spot still there, the same creepy feeling of things going around my head and build up of fluid in my ears making me dizzy and a little deaf. I kept to myself a lot and eventually began using again.

My shrink said I had OCD as I could not stop washing myself, especially my hair and head as I just could not get rid of this lump thing on the very side of my face.

Ii am sure this made things worse, but eventually trained myself to not overwash and try to ignore the pressure building in my sinuses and ears.

I went to 2 dermatologists who were both told by my gp about the meth and as soon as they knew that they were not interested in anything I had to say abour what I was feeling. I gave up in the end and will never go to one of those people again, and will never be open about my history ever again.

I am not an idiot and see a lot of skin conditions like mine at work up close. I figured if it was that cyst again, it would resolve itself eventually hopefully with not much scarring.

So, I was right about what was wrong with me. No one- including my folks and person I lived with for a few months saw my problem as anything but OCD- causing my own skin condition myself by overwashing even when I did not overwash it and it staying bad.

The cyst is exactly where the old scar is, it simply was not completely removed the first time around and slowly grew back around the scar. Unfortunately because its on my hairline its dragged bunches of hair into it which caused the creepy wriggling sensation and also made it spread more as the hair was trapped under my skin unable to come out.

Its getting a lot better now, it takes roughly 6 weeks to shed a layer of skin in humans and its taken this long for all the layers affected by the cyst to come to the surface and shed off.

Its so obvious now hat the problem was I want to go back to the derm guy who called me crazy and demand my money back.

Its good to have nice clean skin, good hearing, the ability to smell and taste food properly back. I no longer have vertigo or any fluid in my ears.

Nor do I have any scar where I once did from the original surgery.

I also have lost many months of my life as I didnt want to leave the house as I thought I was nuts.

Not everything is amphetamine related, doctors tend to judge drug users as if meth causes every single drama they have. Sometimes they miss things that are unrelated when they know your drug history.

 

[bang that shit]

2 questions

First I have 10mg dexedrine which i parachute. Would getting dexedrine spansules the little beads, and crushing the beads and parachuting that give me a better effect than just parachuting or poppin a reg 10mg dex. for me snorting it hasnt dont much better than poppin.

second as with almost all stims you lose your appitite, would using something like ensure help keep your weight and getting food in your stomach in check> or any suggestions for good foods when speedin.

I remember they gave this to me when i was in the hospital in the winter cause i was loseing weigh from sitting in bed all day and not eating.... remember it tasting good. but if there is something better that would be great.

 

[Jabberwocky]

^ Questions about how to use safely are better suited to Other Drugs and Basic Drug Discussion. Ensure is probably helpful. From here on out lets utilize this thread for issues related to quitting or reducing or otherwise working to get our lives on track. I am glad you are looking for methods to increase safety and minimize risk though

 

[bang that shit]

^ Questions about how to use safely are better suited to Other Drugs and Basic Drug Discussion. Ensure is probably helpful. From here on out lets utilize this thread for issues related to quitting or reducing or otherwise working to get our lives on track. I am glad you are looking for methods to increase safety and minimize risk though

ahhh sorry bout that, thought this was just the main meth/amp thread. il make a post in OD.

 

[Gooru11]

As everyone knows the drug effects everyone a little differently, I have been using meth for 17 years and I have seen so much bullshit you wouldn't even believe it. If you have a bf/gf then be prepared for lies, cheating and down right deception. This is most common in the newbies. People that are new at it and haven't done it enough to have any kind of control over the high. If you are choosing to delve into this world of meth you better be ready for a world of pain, hurt, confusion and raw survival. Those will be your most common fellings after being in it for a few months strong. I relapsed and ya I then remembered why I liked doing it because you feel happy about everything and numb to everything negative. People like to use it as a crutch as well. I did when my girlfriend of 8 years and I broke up and she took off with our new born. BIG CRUTCH because at the same time frame my grandfather died of cancer, he was like a dad to me. I delt with all that and daily reports of my ex being seen with this guy or that guy with being a full time student and working full time. You better be prepared for the worst, your body is not the only thing to suffer people who use it daily will manipulate, trick or what ever they have to in order to head to getting more for usage.

 

[gorgoroth]

2 questions

First I have 10mg dexedrine which i parachute. Would getting dexedrine spansules the little beads, and crushing the beads and parachuting that give me a better effect than just parachuting or poppin a reg 10mg dex. for me snorting it hasnt dont much better than poppin.

second as with almost all stims you lose your appitite, would using something like ensure help keep your weight and getting food in your stomach in check> or any suggestions for good foods when speedin.

I remember they gave this to me when i was in the hospital in the winter cause i was loseing weigh from sitting in bed all day and not eating.... remember it tasting good. but if there is something better that would be great.

It's great your interested in harm reduction thread, but this is a thread for addicts/recovering/recovered addicts to share there stories and lend a hand to each other (I believe). If you've got a problem with amphs though, i'm all ears

 

[mariacallas]

Jspun thanks for that excerpt from Black Poppy magazine. Interesting read.

 

[gorgoroth]

Well guys.
I got some shit to say.
I have enough spansules of dextroamphetamine to last me till i get more (16 days from tommorow), but i've run out of instant release ones.
I have 4 IRS left actually, today, I was a fucking IDIOT and I took 105 milligrams instead of my perscribed 60 milligrams. When it started to wear off, I talked to my cats, I curled up into a ball, and I bawled my eyes out for an hour and a half.
I REALLY need an amphetamine break, I know if I cut down I can make it to the 18th. But I want to stop for awhile now.. But I question my ability to do so.
I'm gonna ask you guys a favour and ask you for some advice and/or support, I could really use it now


~ Alex

 

[jspun]

I don't know if anyone cares- but 1 year sober today! From meth Aug 24th was 1 year- came close a couple weeks back, though.

Alex- Good luck my man. You've posted some insightful stuff on this thread. Not to push 12 step mtgs but thats whats helped me. Maybe hitting some mtgs can help with cravings until you get your Rx filled. Don't be hard on yourself- when I was on methadone maintenance I would sometimes get ahead of schedule- but overall maintenance saved my life.

I wonder if taking tums to increase urinary pH or taking a drug that competes with the microsomal enzyme that metabolizes amphetamines ( cimetedine seemed to help with methadone)- I wonder if there is anything analogous to help stretch out supply? Isn't there ways to make the spanules work like the instant release formulations if needed- crushing?

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Keep us posted

 

[Sweet P]

I don't know if anyone cares- but 1 year sober today! From meth Aug 24th was 1 year- came close a couple weeks back, though.

Hey, well done! That's a great achievement!

 

[mav3rick]

Well done Jspun! That's awesome!

Very handy thread for me to read, being someone who is right in the middle of meth addiction.

I've been using for just over a year and so far I've been able to continue leading a 'normal' life, but recently things have gone quite downhill, I'm using wayyyyy more and I'm failing uni because I'm not going to classes, I sit at home and get insanely high.. Friends are gone, family has been gone since the start, I don't know, maybe this is my brain trying to get me to quit it..

A question then springs to mind, why is it that NOW things have started f**king up? Is it just the progression of the drug, or is it because I'm using more? I just don't understand..

I've started trying to counter balance the meth with codeine, so I can try to get some sleep so that I'll actually feel like going to uni, but it just doesn't happen.. I can see myself spiralling however I don't know what to do to stop it, has anyone else had anything like this? I just hope I'm not alone..

I was too perhaps embarrassed and scared to post when I first joined up, but seeing that people are pretty cool here I thought I'd share..

Much love everyone

 

[footscrazy]

^^ Things do get worse and worse, and it's prob a combination of things why you've noticed things are getting more fucked up. You said you're using more, that's one factor; also I noticed my ability to recover got much worse over the years. I used to be able to stay awake Fri-Sun and have no ill effects the next week - 6 years later that same bender would leave me in bed for a week because my body was so unhealthy and run down.

Also, you said your friends are gone, and that's probably also an encourgement to use - maybe you don't have anyone you have to act straight around now, or anything else to distract your time. No accountability to anyone. Also, if you feel sad over losing your friends, it's easy to think, fuck it, I'll just get rid of that feeling by using more...

Do you want to stop..?

Jspun - f'ing amazing mate! Did you do anything to celebrate? (Not drug related of course!) You should buy yourself something you've been wanting for ages, treat yourself, you deserve it!

gorgoroth - you have def got it in you to take a break, stay strong %)

How you going Sweet P?