First post about myself here...
I've never been one to believe in God, satan, spirits, souls, hell, possession and other things I often heard tweakers talking about. I thought it was some meth psychosis thing. Now though I still don't believe really, I do find myself questioning the possible existence of all of those, and it's disturbing to me.
Now you're going to say, eat something get some sleep it'll be alright. But I've been doing those things, as well as taking breaks of three days to a week. This drug initially felt like speedy ecstasy (only cleaner and more euphoric); now it just feels dark. It can be a euphoric darkness, but it's a darkness nonetheless...though I still lean towards some scientific explanation, much of the time, especially when I use alone and at night, I feel as though I've morphed into an evil version of me. Other times I feel like I'm not me at all, but rather various negative entities being channeled through me through me (these are not hallucinations, or delusions, I know they're not happening but it feels as though they are).
For lack of better word, it does feel as though I'm losing my soul, or at least part of it, to this drug... that part of me, that cared and empathized with others, is gone or dying. The disturbing thing is, sometimes I feel this way completely sober as well, exactly as though I imagine a -sociopath might feel. it feels good sometimes to see others in pain and that's a horrible thing and not who I am. Other times, sober or not, I feel this intense rage in me that I didn't know existed.
Friends I started using with (and whom it hit a lot harder than me, and hell it's only been a couple of months), they're no longer the same people. Some of them even developed have this permanent malicious glow in their eyes that never seems to go away. While I've merely 'felt', very different from my usual self, these former friends gone out and actually done horrible things, mainly just for the thrill of it. It's difficult for me to reconcile who they are now with who they once were. I mourn who they used to be, but they are no longer my friends and I no longer feel safe around them.
After my last use (this morning, that's all I had left), I've taken one step I at least feel good about: thrown my pipes, meth bong, torches, and butane cans. I'm tired of hiding all this paraphernalia (snorting doesn't get me off anymore)... I feel bad enough that I know how to use this stuff, let alone own it. Please don't feel judged fellow meth smokers, certainly there is no judgment from me, I just hated being addicted to such a conspicuous pipe and gear and I feel cleaner with it all gone.
Sorry... just been feeling so down and needed to rant. Thanks for reading.
