I got to the point in my life where I don't really see a way out, I'm simply stuck. And this time it seems a lot more serious than ever before. I've been addicted to opioids since I was 14, that means 8 years as I'm 22 now. I can't free myself from methadone. I shot up a lot of opioids, took any benzodiazepines and similar compounds I could to ease the pain of the every day life. Eventually I quit shooting up but my tolerance was so huge I couldn't manage stopping abruptly.
Despite all those problems I kept going from class to class, I didn't have great grades as I used to but I passed all exams. Well, I didn't care for grades, how could I if I needed to shoot up at school? Anyway, I started studying chemistry. This had nothing to do with my drug abuse. I simply got interested in it long time before when I had my first classes in my middle school. But things didn't end up so fine. Now the studying system is 3+2 because of the stupid Bologna process and I stopped studying after 3 years getting a degree that is an equivalent to Bachelor of Science. But this guarantees me nothing on the job market. I feel as if I lost 3 years.
I was in London last year. I had a lot of problems with finding a job because I stayed at my cousin's. She's got a child and she expected to get some benefits as she doesn't earn much (well, she doesn't speak English and she's doing much better there than I did having a fucking IELTS Academic test passed). I couldn't give the address where I lived at the bank etc. So I didn't even have a bank account. Also, I'm skinny and have some problems with health so physical work isn't really for me. I couldn't work in renovations as a helper because it's a hard work. I decided to go back to Poland, take up some other profession, and at least finally get a driver's license. But it's hard to pass an exam here, they still expect a bribe although there are now cameras in all cars. But cars are in a very bad shape. When you release the clutch pedal of a car from the examination centre, you can go all the way because it'd been regulated before so the engine stops. Don't get me wrong but I've been driving cars since I was 16, moving a car after starting engine isn't some pro stuff and I did a lot of crazy things not having a driver's license (not that I was involved in some accident or sth, never, I couldn't get a license then). But anyway, I decided I would go back to London in March / April '12. The hell I did...
My mum found a private university and told me to think it over and maybe start IT studies. Well, the class started in October 2011 and nobody told me. So on the first day in February I was shocked people know one another so well... Of course I have to pass all the exams from the first semester and I have to do it before Feb 2013. I've got a big problem with methadone and clonazepam now. It was much better in London where I could get marihuana just like that and it wasn't some freaky stuff, it was a nice mood-lifting, a bit psychedelic but also helping me fall asleep and numbing my body. I got the contact off the street and it was way better than regular stuff kids living in housing estates here smoke. It helped me lower the dose to 10mg in the morning and I was fine without a dose in the evening which was pretty weird as I need split-dosing to survive the day. Now I'm in Poland and if I don't call someone, I can't get weed. Every 2 weeks I ran out of it and I get so anxious I can't call to anybody. Of course I get back to the old dose of methadone right away... This country is like a forsaken place, a week after I came back I was at my old dose because I couldn't cope with my life. And really nothing awaited for me here so I didn't plan on coming for good. But I started studying, I put some money into it. The problem is I can't study. I can't learn, I can't memorize, I can't focus on one thing because of racing thoughts.
I don't know what really keeps me here. I should have mix morphine with some barbiturate and be gone by now because I'm nothing good to myself and I'm nothing good to my mum I live with. She constantly reproaches me for getting addicted and "fucking your life and my life". It doesn't really help, you know... She helped me a lot with my addiction, I don't know where I'd be now if she hadn't been there for me when I was left with no friends. But now it's like she doesn't really believe that I can quit it, not any more. Just like my psychiatrist who just keeps prescribing me clonazepam and doesn't give a damn, it's me who asks about some taper schedule. If I hadn't done anything, I would be still at my old dose. But anyway, when I've got days like these - I mean I've got no weed and I can feel withdrawal symptoms (and they're really terrible with methadone, you don't know if it's the peak or if it's still building up). I guess I would be in a way better situation if I still shoot up morphine. I would go cold turkey and it'd be done in 2 weeks, with methadone I would suffer 2 months, I guess. It's terrible withdrawing from methadone, I did once and that's why I'm so afraid of it and react this way when I wake up and feel bad.
I tried tapering off a lot of times. I really want to quit, it's clear that I get absolutely nothing positive from drinking this syrup and popping clonazepam pills. My tolerance is so high that it's hardly recreational for me at any dose. Marihuana always helped me with obsessive thoughts about the past. If there's no weed to block these thoughts, I have to take more methadone and more clonazepam to free myself from bad conscience...
Concerning my current studies... Well, although I believed earlier, I'm into computer science, it turned out that it's very boring to me and as I seem to have all the makings of a great chemist, I rather useless as a future programmer or whatever. Though programming languages are the only classes I seem to have some interest in, it's probably because I'm interested in linguistics and foreign languages in general, here it functions similarly (e.g. C# represents a C-family language with syntax looking like a hybrid of C/C++ and Java, so if I can program in C++, I can easily learn C# even if I don't know Java, then if I know C#, learning Java would be no problem etc. etc.). But it's much more complicated, just like chemistry isn't just organic chemistry... I'm supposed to be able to take care of servers and networks after finishing my studies. That's something I don't really find interesting, it's far from something I wanted to do when I was younger.
Also, I'm alone. I literally don't have a single friend or even an acquaintance to go to a club or to a pub. My last relationship ended relatively long time ago. I'm totally alone. And if you're alone, it's hard to go anywhere just by yourself. I don't know if I'm shy or what, I suffer from BPD. I don't trust people easily. I wish I met some woman who would make me feel like there was a reason to live. If not for myself, then for her, to make her happy. If she could only understand that though I'm an addict, I want to stop but I'm just unmotivated and she might just be my best motivation. But on the other hand I don't want to put any person into my misery, it's my shit, and I have no right to ruin some woman's life with my addiction if she can find a proper guy without faults like addiction to opioids and benzodiazepines. She'd have to be an addict herself, I guess, to understand me... That wouldn't lead to anything good if there was addiction in our relationship because sooner or later there'd be nothing but this fucking affliction keeping us together.
I don't know what to do. I would have killed myself long time ago because all these money I have to pay for methadone, could be spent on something valuable. I wouldn't be a problem for my mum but when I tell her that I'm ready to go, this hope for finally meeting someone I would love more than anything is vain. I should get rid of it and stop thinking about love as something that would heal the whole situation. I don't deserve love if I'm addicted. Addiction is like a virus, it spreads fast and it enfeebles everything. I wonder, maybe I still lack that bit of courage to take my life... But the right time seems close. I don't care for anything in my life at the moment, everything is a ruin. Also, after so many years of daily intake of benzodiazepines and so many years of shooting up various opioids from straight morphine through street heroin, hydromorphone from Dilaudid, dextromoramide from Palfium, to synthed in the lab compounds like pentamorphone, 6-methyldihydromorphine, N-phenethylnormorphine, 14-substituted 6-ketones, 6,14-endoetheno/6,14-endoethano compounds, morphinans, fentanyls, pethidines, and whatnot... - I guess my brain is not all right. Thanks to abusing benzodiazepines I probably fucked up my brain's bioelectric activity cycles with brain waves totally inappropriate for the situation (for instance I can't sleep like normal people do, marihuana helped me a lot with sleeping, otherwise I sleep like a few hrs a day and it's not at night so I'm tired all the time).
All that I had to offer for that only one is nothing compared to all this baggage from the past. Life with a person like me wouldn't be a happy life. And I think that life is devoid of any meaning if I cannot share it with another person and give myself totally to that other person. I haven't loved romantically for quite a long time. On one hand I long for this feeling, on the other hand I guess it's much better for me not to be in mad love with someone because I know I would never try to start a relationship being addicted. Besides I wouldn't have guts to walk up to a woman who could be that real one, understanding, loving, caring, well, just like me, putting all of you into the relationship.
I believe that whatever there is waiting for me on the other side is definitely better than this life here.
Despite all those problems I kept going from class to class, I didn't have great grades as I used to but I passed all exams. Well, I didn't care for grades, how could I if I needed to shoot up at school? Anyway, I started studying chemistry. This had nothing to do with my drug abuse. I simply got interested in it long time before when I had my first classes in my middle school. But things didn't end up so fine. Now the studying system is 3+2 because of the stupid Bologna process and I stopped studying after 3 years getting a degree that is an equivalent to Bachelor of Science. But this guarantees me nothing on the job market. I feel as if I lost 3 years.
I was in London last year. I had a lot of problems with finding a job because I stayed at my cousin's. She's got a child and she expected to get some benefits as she doesn't earn much (well, she doesn't speak English and she's doing much better there than I did having a fucking IELTS Academic test passed). I couldn't give the address where I lived at the bank etc. So I didn't even have a bank account. Also, I'm skinny and have some problems with health so physical work isn't really for me. I couldn't work in renovations as a helper because it's a hard work. I decided to go back to Poland, take up some other profession, and at least finally get a driver's license. But it's hard to pass an exam here, they still expect a bribe although there are now cameras in all cars. But cars are in a very bad shape. When you release the clutch pedal of a car from the examination centre, you can go all the way because it'd been regulated before so the engine stops. Don't get me wrong but I've been driving cars since I was 16, moving a car after starting engine isn't some pro stuff and I did a lot of crazy things not having a driver's license (not that I was involved in some accident or sth, never, I couldn't get a license then). But anyway, I decided I would go back to London in March / April '12. The hell I did...
My mum found a private university and told me to think it over and maybe start IT studies. Well, the class started in October 2011 and nobody told me. So on the first day in February I was shocked people know one another so well... Of course I have to pass all the exams from the first semester and I have to do it before Feb 2013. I've got a big problem with methadone and clonazepam now. It was much better in London where I could get marihuana just like that and it wasn't some freaky stuff, it was a nice mood-lifting, a bit psychedelic but also helping me fall asleep and numbing my body. I got the contact off the street and it was way better than regular stuff kids living in housing estates here smoke. It helped me lower the dose to 10mg in the morning and I was fine without a dose in the evening which was pretty weird as I need split-dosing to survive the day. Now I'm in Poland and if I don't call someone, I can't get weed. Every 2 weeks I ran out of it and I get so anxious I can't call to anybody. Of course I get back to the old dose of methadone right away... This country is like a forsaken place, a week after I came back I was at my old dose because I couldn't cope with my life. And really nothing awaited for me here so I didn't plan on coming for good. But I started studying, I put some money into it. The problem is I can't study. I can't learn, I can't memorize, I can't focus on one thing because of racing thoughts.
I don't know what really keeps me here. I should have mix morphine with some barbiturate and be gone by now because I'm nothing good to myself and I'm nothing good to my mum I live with. She constantly reproaches me for getting addicted and "fucking your life and my life". It doesn't really help, you know... She helped me a lot with my addiction, I don't know where I'd be now if she hadn't been there for me when I was left with no friends. But now it's like she doesn't really believe that I can quit it, not any more. Just like my psychiatrist who just keeps prescribing me clonazepam and doesn't give a damn, it's me who asks about some taper schedule. If I hadn't done anything, I would be still at my old dose. But anyway, when I've got days like these - I mean I've got no weed and I can feel withdrawal symptoms (and they're really terrible with methadone, you don't know if it's the peak or if it's still building up). I guess I would be in a way better situation if I still shoot up morphine. I would go cold turkey and it'd be done in 2 weeks, with methadone I would suffer 2 months, I guess. It's terrible withdrawing from methadone, I did once and that's why I'm so afraid of it and react this way when I wake up and feel bad.
I tried tapering off a lot of times. I really want to quit, it's clear that I get absolutely nothing positive from drinking this syrup and popping clonazepam pills. My tolerance is so high that it's hardly recreational for me at any dose. Marihuana always helped me with obsessive thoughts about the past. If there's no weed to block these thoughts, I have to take more methadone and more clonazepam to free myself from bad conscience...
Concerning my current studies... Well, although I believed earlier, I'm into computer science, it turned out that it's very boring to me and as I seem to have all the makings of a great chemist, I rather useless as a future programmer or whatever. Though programming languages are the only classes I seem to have some interest in, it's probably because I'm interested in linguistics and foreign languages in general, here it functions similarly (e.g. C# represents a C-family language with syntax looking like a hybrid of C/C++ and Java, so if I can program in C++, I can easily learn C# even if I don't know Java, then if I know C#, learning Java would be no problem etc. etc.). But it's much more complicated, just like chemistry isn't just organic chemistry... I'm supposed to be able to take care of servers and networks after finishing my studies. That's something I don't really find interesting, it's far from something I wanted to do when I was younger.
Also, I'm alone. I literally don't have a single friend or even an acquaintance to go to a club or to a pub. My last relationship ended relatively long time ago. I'm totally alone. And if you're alone, it's hard to go anywhere just by yourself. I don't know if I'm shy or what, I suffer from BPD. I don't trust people easily. I wish I met some woman who would make me feel like there was a reason to live. If not for myself, then for her, to make her happy. If she could only understand that though I'm an addict, I want to stop but I'm just unmotivated and she might just be my best motivation. But on the other hand I don't want to put any person into my misery, it's my shit, and I have no right to ruin some woman's life with my addiction if she can find a proper guy without faults like addiction to opioids and benzodiazepines. She'd have to be an addict herself, I guess, to understand me... That wouldn't lead to anything good if there was addiction in our relationship because sooner or later there'd be nothing but this fucking affliction keeping us together.
I don't know what to do. I would have killed myself long time ago because all these money I have to pay for methadone, could be spent on something valuable. I wouldn't be a problem for my mum but when I tell her that I'm ready to go, this hope for finally meeting someone I would love more than anything is vain. I should get rid of it and stop thinking about love as something that would heal the whole situation. I don't deserve love if I'm addicted. Addiction is like a virus, it spreads fast and it enfeebles everything. I wonder, maybe I still lack that bit of courage to take my life... But the right time seems close. I don't care for anything in my life at the moment, everything is a ruin. Also, after so many years of daily intake of benzodiazepines and so many years of shooting up various opioids from straight morphine through street heroin, hydromorphone from Dilaudid, dextromoramide from Palfium, to synthed in the lab compounds like pentamorphone, 6-methyldihydromorphine, N-phenethylnormorphine, 14-substituted 6-ketones, 6,14-endoetheno/6,14-endoethano compounds, morphinans, fentanyls, pethidines, and whatnot... - I guess my brain is not all right. Thanks to abusing benzodiazepines I probably fucked up my brain's bioelectric activity cycles with brain waves totally inappropriate for the situation (for instance I can't sleep like normal people do, marihuana helped me a lot with sleeping, otherwise I sleep like a few hrs a day and it's not at night so I'm tired all the time).
All that I had to offer for that only one is nothing compared to all this baggage from the past. Life with a person like me wouldn't be a happy life. And I think that life is devoid of any meaning if I cannot share it with another person and give myself totally to that other person. I haven't loved romantically for quite a long time. On one hand I long for this feeling, on the other hand I guess it's much better for me not to be in mad love with someone because I know I would never try to start a relationship being addicted. Besides I wouldn't have guts to walk up to a woman who could be that real one, understanding, loving, caring, well, just like me, putting all of you into the relationship.
I believe that whatever there is waiting for me on the other side is definitely better than this life here.
