I'm 24 years old currently living at home at my Grandmas with my Dad and Uncle. I just got out of treatment (5th time in) a month ago. I was totally motivated to get my act together when I got here, get a job, work on my music (I have a budding music career and I'm working towards recording my first album) but I've been having a hard time. The last 10 years or so have been a total mess for me on a mental health front and substance abuse. It's been really bad the last 5. I've been battling my addictions to alcohol and hard drug use. In and out of detox / hospital / treatment and all over the place changing locales and jobs etc. Bouts of homelessness.
I've had 2 jobs and quit after a week since coming here. The first one in manufacturing due to a heavy night shift I just couldn't do schedule plus anxiety. The next was a fast food position I quit because of anxiety with customers and feeling I couldn't keep up with the job. I gave no real good reason for leaving to either employer and have burnt those bridges. I've been having trouble focusing as well for a long time and now have a referral to a nearby mental health unit to get screened for ADHD and a psychological assessment. I'm glad I'm finally getting some real assessments done but at the same time I feel like I'm going down hill.
At the beginning of this year I was sober, I didn't even smoke or drink coffee. I was holding a full time position in a manufacturing company in another city making decent money and living on my own. I was very good at what I did I was saving large and going to school pulling high 90's in biology and chemistry courses I was taking so I could get into nursing. I had depression and anxiety then too and not too much of a social life but I was functioning well and was way ahead of where I am now. I was stressed with the load I had though, working full time plus OT, getting those grades, and staying clean wasn't easy. The first thing I started was smoking. Then I had a slip in April with drinking. On my birthday in May I completely relapsed with drugs and alcohol and had to leave my job within the month after getting in a fight outside a bar in a blackout and tooth knocked loose. I was a mess and missing days already so when I got hurt I knew I wasn't going to be functional anymore so I just left.
I had 5 grand saved plus my last pay and just drank and did coke all the time for awhile. After that I left my place, taking my last months rent back and just started couch surfing and travelling and playing music. I was busking a lot and made some decent money doing it in a couple towns. I had plans to move out of the province with my cousin but by the time the date came I was strung out on heroin with no money left and wasn't out playing much anymore. I had a hell of an adventure this summer, much of it I don't regret but in the end the drugs and alcohol did me in. After one last bad run for a couple nights homeless with no money and nowhere to go I checked myself into a detox and back to treatment again.
While I was in treatment I rekindled my passion for music and found myself in with another client who had been in the industry before. We were both collecting EI by that point (unemployment) and threw down on an iPad and recording gear. I did some songwriting and made several demos while I was in treatment and after 4 months and battling with what exactly what I wanted to do with my life (I almost decided to go back to college for upgrading to go for a journalism degree) I made arrangements to go back home. My dad is a career musician and he's helping me out. We're renting out a bunch of studio gear soon and we're both going to be working on our albums. His second and my first. I'm also supposed to be working with him on his own originals and covers so we can potentially tour together. The gear isn't in yet but it will be soon.
I haven't been able to keep myself together here. I've lost my motivation completely and with the two jobs lost and mental health battle I'm flabbergasted. I haven't been playing much guitar, let alone really honing my material for an album and I haven't done much with my dads stuff. Almost all I do is sleep and lay around and feel like crap. My cash is dwindling. My dad will float me for awhile, he understands me sort of and wants me to take whatever time I need to heal. I don't feel like I'm healing though, I feel like I'm crashing down. I'm really worried about what I can do for work with these depression and anxiety problems, everything seems so daunting to me despite the fact that I have excelled in some of my past jobs. I don't know about the ADHD but actually reading about what that is and what it does to people it makes some sense. In the past it's been hard to get a real diagnosis because of the drugs and alcohol, but I'm approaching this before I wind up on a binge this time and not after.
Sometimes I really badly feel like drinking and drugging again. I couldn't possibly do that here though so I've considered taking off and hitting the streets again. It's winter though so that's held me back. I don't know what I want to do with myself. I've been avoiding people, afraid to work, avoiding meetings and reading tons on drugs and booze, mainly erowid. Nothing really positive is really happening my my brain right now. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I've had a hell of a year that's for sure.
I've had 2 jobs and quit after a week since coming here. The first one in manufacturing due to a heavy night shift I just couldn't do schedule plus anxiety. The next was a fast food position I quit because of anxiety with customers and feeling I couldn't keep up with the job. I gave no real good reason for leaving to either employer and have burnt those bridges. I've been having trouble focusing as well for a long time and now have a referral to a nearby mental health unit to get screened for ADHD and a psychological assessment. I'm glad I'm finally getting some real assessments done but at the same time I feel like I'm going down hill.
At the beginning of this year I was sober, I didn't even smoke or drink coffee. I was holding a full time position in a manufacturing company in another city making decent money and living on my own. I was very good at what I did I was saving large and going to school pulling high 90's in biology and chemistry courses I was taking so I could get into nursing. I had depression and anxiety then too and not too much of a social life but I was functioning well and was way ahead of where I am now. I was stressed with the load I had though, working full time plus OT, getting those grades, and staying clean wasn't easy. The first thing I started was smoking. Then I had a slip in April with drinking. On my birthday in May I completely relapsed with drugs and alcohol and had to leave my job within the month after getting in a fight outside a bar in a blackout and tooth knocked loose. I was a mess and missing days already so when I got hurt I knew I wasn't going to be functional anymore so I just left.
I had 5 grand saved plus my last pay and just drank and did coke all the time for awhile. After that I left my place, taking my last months rent back and just started couch surfing and travelling and playing music. I was busking a lot and made some decent money doing it in a couple towns. I had plans to move out of the province with my cousin but by the time the date came I was strung out on heroin with no money left and wasn't out playing much anymore. I had a hell of an adventure this summer, much of it I don't regret but in the end the drugs and alcohol did me in. After one last bad run for a couple nights homeless with no money and nowhere to go I checked myself into a detox and back to treatment again.
While I was in treatment I rekindled my passion for music and found myself in with another client who had been in the industry before. We were both collecting EI by that point (unemployment) and threw down on an iPad and recording gear. I did some songwriting and made several demos while I was in treatment and after 4 months and battling with what exactly what I wanted to do with my life (I almost decided to go back to college for upgrading to go for a journalism degree) I made arrangements to go back home. My dad is a career musician and he's helping me out. We're renting out a bunch of studio gear soon and we're both going to be working on our albums. His second and my first. I'm also supposed to be working with him on his own originals and covers so we can potentially tour together. The gear isn't in yet but it will be soon.
I haven't been able to keep myself together here. I've lost my motivation completely and with the two jobs lost and mental health battle I'm flabbergasted. I haven't been playing much guitar, let alone really honing my material for an album and I haven't done much with my dads stuff. Almost all I do is sleep and lay around and feel like crap. My cash is dwindling. My dad will float me for awhile, he understands me sort of and wants me to take whatever time I need to heal. I don't feel like I'm healing though, I feel like I'm crashing down. I'm really worried about what I can do for work with these depression and anxiety problems, everything seems so daunting to me despite the fact that I have excelled in some of my past jobs. I don't know about the ADHD but actually reading about what that is and what it does to people it makes some sense. In the past it's been hard to get a real diagnosis because of the drugs and alcohol, but I'm approaching this before I wind up on a binge this time and not after.
Sometimes I really badly feel like drinking and drugging again. I couldn't possibly do that here though so I've considered taking off and hitting the streets again. It's winter though so that's held me back. I don't know what I want to do with myself. I've been avoiding people, afraid to work, avoiding meetings and reading tons on drugs and booze, mainly erowid. Nothing really positive is really happening my my brain right now. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I've had a hell of a year that's for sure.
