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Melbourne (an ode)

(Wordy)

(Wordy)

Moderator: BAD
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Melbourne so cruel in your coolness Melbourne
so cool in your cruelty / ok that’s a tad
harsh but that makes two of us my dear oh
dear you can’t wear that oh boy you can wear
thaaat boy you must be feeling festive / Melbourne
stars strung over your streets your fruitsellers
some of the best in a tight situation a girl
in tartan skirt short
but not slutty walks ahead clearly excited
highfives the VB streetsign above the bottleshop oh
Melbourne is that you? / sometimes heroic enough
to flash a bit of underbelly a little flabby but don’t
open any more gyms don’t close any more
public housing Melbourne
your mystics are lazy & need somewhere to live
when the street kicks them out in favour of
paying customers who wouldn’t know which
sorry poses to adopt for looking at the stars


(c) Stu Hatton 2006

http://wordyness.blogspot.com/2006/12/melbourne-ode-2006.html
 
I thought I didn't like it when I first read it, but on second reading it's just that it's dense so I had to wait till my tiny pea brain was in the mood to actually focus for more than a minute on one thing.. :)

I like the atmosphere you create with it - it works because of the way it's presented; it makes me think of busy streets teeming with city life..
(Wordy) said:
a girl
in tartan skirt short
but not slutty walks ahead clearly excited
highfives the VB streetsign above the bottleshop oh
Melbourne is that you?
Click to expand...
This bit for some reason I found a bit distracting from the overall feel of it...but I'm not sure why - maybe because it's talking about one person rather than the spirit of a chunk of the city?

I do really like how you've encaptured so many facets of Melbourne life; these lines at the end give the whole thing a sense of real soul:
don’t
open any more gyms don’t close any more
public housing Melbourne
your mystics are lazy & need somewhere to live
when the street kicks them out in favour of
paying customers who wouldn’t know which
sorry poses to adopt for looking at the stars
Click to expand...
 
the last 3 lines dont tie it up for me - i very much enjoy the overall feel of this piece, but your right - something isn't quite complete, and for me it's a strong "tie" to the message/point of the poem near the end. This, although, sounded just right in my head --> "dear you can’t wear that oh boy you can wear
thaaat boy you must be feeling festive / Melbourne
stars strung over your streets your fruitsellers"
 
Thanks for the feedback - definitely helpful. :)

This bit for some reason I found a bit distracting from the overall feel of it...but I'm not sure why - maybe because it's talking about one person rather than the spirit of a chunk of the city?
Click to expand...

While I was walking along composing parts of this poem in my head, this girl in a tartan skirt actually did walk ahead of me and highfive the VB streetsign outside the bottleshop. That happened on Swanston St as a matter of fact.

In a way she's in the poem because she's supposed to symbolise Melbourne (hence "oh Melbourne is that you?") ... but just a random symbol in a way, rather than one that's "designed" to capture the spirit of the city. Though I think maybe she still captures some of that, in my mind at least.

the last 3 lines dont tie it up for me - i very much enjoy the overall feel of this piece, but your right - something isn't quite complete, and for me it's a strong "tie" to the message/point of the poem near the end.
Click to expand...

Yeah I think I know what you're getting at. The last 3 lines lose some of the quickfire rhythm and get a little serious in what's otherwise quite a whimsical poem. But I guess I wanted that elusive blend of seriousness and frivolity. They can be a little like oil and water though, when combined.
 
I think it took a trip to Melbourne for me to understand this. I saw those stars and I'm pretty sure I was the girl jumping high to hit the beer sign. ;)
 
Heh. I really liked that. :)

(Wordy) said:
Melbourne so cruel in your coolness Melbourne
so cool in your cruelty / ok that’s a tad
harsh but that makes two of us my dear oh
dear you can’t wear that oh boy you can wear
thaaat boy you must be feeling festive / Melbourne
Click to expand...
^ I especially loved the first 5 lines, they made me LOL. :D

I was hoping it would continue with the same rhythm, but meh, still great stuff nonetheless. %)
 
(Wordy) said:
/ ok that’s a tad
harsh but that makes two of us my dear
Click to expand...

Tehehehe! I love poets who can use humour; and you've done it very subtely and cleverly here. I like that sort of humour that you could almost miss if you weren't careful, but when you catch it you grin =D

Some great imagery, with the flabby underbelly too ;)

Another thing I loved is the transitional phrases you use... going from "my dear" to "oh dear" - I like to do this too sometimes in my poetry, here's part of one of them:

"His eyes begging to

See?
what you have done,
my broken bitter friend?"

ie. "see" becoming part of both sentences.

Very nice Wordy!
 
i just moved to sydney for work. i miss all those things about melbourne. esspecially the sorry posers.
 
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