beanergrl
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2000
- Messages
- 3,991
to struggle with God
When i first came to this site i couldn't see past the Bible. I thought that i was special because i could see things differently. Because Jesus had revealed Himself to me in a way i thought was divine. I thought every other religion was wrong. They were all decieved by satan somehow in my eyes.
I would only post in T&A after the board started to divide into forums because i felt that posting anywhere else was meaningless to my life and everything i had to do had to be for God. Because if i wasn't for God then i was against Him. It was all black and white. No grey. Every move had to be in the Light or else it would be away from it.If you look at my posts from a few years ago especially the earliest ones you will see all of that reflected in it.
That wasn't the first time in my life i felt like that. I felt special when i was pulled out of my Catholic Church and saved, literally. It was a Baptist Church and i cried when i was saved and then felt the Spirit of Christ move through my body (even more powerful then salvation) when i was baptised.
When i started reading teachings from an SDA church in my early twenties and i again felt like i choosen and was revealed more secrets and understood more. I felt like i was special because i was pulled from my Baptist affiliations by the power of God for something bigger.
Funny thing about SDA churches is they trace back every single origin (that they want to of) of everything and take passages and study it verse by verse in Hebrew and Arabic in the entire context. Many words in the Bible actually mean other words but since they didn't have a word for it during the translation it became a word with very loose meanings even though it does have an exact one. does that make sense? (kind of tounge tied) For example the word meat to us means animal flesh. Meat in the Bible was food. Depending on what the actual word was that they used for meat during the translation would determine if we are talking about flesh or fruits and veggies or bread. However, you wouldn't know by just reading the Bible what they were referring to. You'd have to look each passage up in Strongs.
So by my new church the "hell" i had always thought my beer drinking poker playing (evil cards) father would burn it being tortured by demons and fire became a grave. Passage by passage we went through the Bible. It isn't untill the end of the New Testament that hell is translated from Tartaros which is direct straight from Greek mythology.
For years i stayed with that church believing that they were the true church (as if there can really be). They didn't take the mark of the beast by taking on Sunday worship (that's what they teach the mark of the beast is). I had gone from believing in the Baptist beliefs of directly taking the mark in your FOREhead or FOREhand, to being shown that it actually translates to having foreknowledge (in your head) and being forced (hand) to do something. You talk about your totally different interpetations just by looking up a passage.
Ah, but heaven was different. Just as the Baptist before them the SDA's believed in heaven on earth eventually. You know, the whole John's vision in Revelation type of New Jeruselum?
*knock, knock* One day a Jehovah Witness came and she had a Watchtower Magazine on the New Earth. Being an SDA we actually have classes on how to take on a Witness and show them their "error". I invited her in and we sat down and she was impressed with my knowledge of the verses about hell as well as others. She seemed to think i was agreeing with her because we have alot of the common beliefs. But then i started talking about the Sabbath and why it is special and we got into a Bible discussion about that. She soon became my friend and came back every week. we never discussed where we differed in viewpoints (they don't believe in the trinity), we mostly discussed the New Earth.
Now this is where it stated to go crazy for me. The SDA religion was so into getting rid of all pagan traditions (birthdays, wedding rings, sunday worship, flesh eating, christmas, easter...) but yet they would only use the King James version of the Bible.. King James was a pretty evil man who didn't think anyone was worthy of reading the Bible but priest and kings. I wondered why my church would trust the man who murdered and supressed people.
(this was also around the same time the old spirituality forum on BL opened)
I thought if the church has done all of this and accepted all of the nonBiblical traditions then it doesn't sound like it was walking into the Light of God. For the first time ever i left my Bible for outside info.
The first place i started was finding out about how the Bible was compiled and what all went on with it. What i found out did not make me happy. I went on a quest for all these other missing books and documents. I discovered the Gnostics and the Essenes and all the paganism in the Jews in the OT. I discovered the Christ concept and the other Christ. (Later i would learn that some refer to this same evolving story as a meme which is a whole another thing for me really.) I saw Jesus in a different role with a different view in these other books. If these books were hidden and not discovered or rejected by the king, but yet the king incorporated pagan mythology into the Bible for his advantage in controlling and converting the pagans then why shouldn't i trust the books that stayed away from the king's hands. And Paul's hands too. I always considered Paul such a holy man but then reading about him and his greed and obsessions made me realize i couldnt trust him to determine what books or pieces of books belonged in the Bible either. I mean, how could they say that paragraph A from this church can be included in the Bible but not paragraph B.?
I wanted true christainity. I wanted to know what Jesus really wanted and what He really said and what his role really was without interference from contridicting books of the NT. The Essenes fascinated me, and still do. If there is one form of christainity that is most true the Essenes would have to be it. They knew of the Christ Concept and were aware of other Christ before that, but yet were waiting for their messiah as promised.
So through studing them i got into reading about Buddism which i believe Jesus was trying to show us. Somehow His posistion to me changed from the trinity concept into one of Him being born a regular man (the bible says he was born like me and you too, not knowing who he was to be much later), a messager of God, a Son of God, who lived a perfect life and achieved the ultimate- becoming one with God. To me then i saw He wanted us free from the bonds of religion and wanted us to devolop the God in ourselves. The Bible told me we were created to be like God. It says that we are created in His image and to reflect him in all ways. So the buddhist approach i do not knock.
From there i looked into the history of religions and how they all formed up. of, coarse, posting on BL did not help me any. I was tring to sort things out for myself and i all i ever heard was that God was created by man. That i was not ever going to accept. Religion was created by man. Everyone was equal and there were many paths. We all have the imprint of God in us, we just have to recogize (or deny) that.
So i liked the Essenes and i dug into old Jewish roots but problem was when i dug deeper i found out that the entire trinity concept was based on mythology. what's worse i discovered was all the same OT stories that i based alot of faith upon were taken from the pagans themselves. what made me madder was that i was always told that the first four books of my bible were the same as the Jewish Torah. They are not. There are certainly twist and omissions in the stories book to book. Many of the Psalms and Chaldean myth of the flood, the story of Moses and Abraham, as well as the Garden of Eden creation story can all be traced back to pagan mythology before they were ever recorded in a holy book. these stories are almost exactly the same except the names have been changed.
for example here is a piece of the flood myth:
"The deity Cronos appeared to him (Xisuthrus) in a vision and warned him that upon the fifteenth day of the month Desius there would be a flood, by which mankind would be destroyed. He therefore enjoined him to build a vessel, and take with him into it his friends and relations, and to convey on board everything necessary to sustain life, together with all the different animals, both birds and quadrupeds, and trust himself fearlessly to the deep. After the flood had been upon the earth, and was in time abated, Xisutrus sent out birds from the vessel. He therefore made an opening in the vessel, and upon looking out found that it was stranded upon the side of some mountain."
The legends of Moses leading the children of Israel out of Egypt is a version of the story of Bacchus, the Sun-god.
Bacchus had a rod with which he performed miracles, and which he could change into a serpent at pleasure. he passed the Red Sea, dry shod, at the head of his army. By the same mighty wand, he drew water from the rock, and wherever they marched, the land flowed with wine, milk and honey.
~~~~~
I really had to sort things out. I am not and will not ever believe in anything less then a Higher Power. I have had too many things happen to me all my life like being saved by my angels and OBE's that nobody will ever convince me didnt really happen. Or that was my brain experiencing trauma or whatever. NEVER!
So what about these "myths"? I could say that they were planted here by satan to decieve people but that would be turning a blind eye and living in denial really. Some christains who don't believe the world is as old as it is think that dino bones were planted here too as deception. This is all just a wacked out way to think to me.
To put away these stories as pagan myths would be to put away my whole Bible and start over with a completly different religion. Or i can think about it, think about it. What if since we can trace these "myth" stories all the way back to Eden and since they predate the bible what if pagantry was the true religion? And then i thought if it all started in the Garden of Eden with just God and man, then wouldn't everything that comes between God and man be pagan? including all religion? If it was just God and man then, then it should be God and man now. But how would i serve God what about the Bible will i believe if any? How do i determine what is true and what's not for me? I think now that since time and stories started with the pagans, then pagans all are we. All religions formed out of it so therefore the truth has to be there too.
Of, coarse, this is the most difficult part because some myths are just not keeping in Gods law at all.
The trinity has also been disputed or believed in with other Christ before Him thousands of years ago. Some pagans believed it as too pagan.
I just don't know.
I used to think that Satan was messing with my head by showing me these things to get me off track and away from Gods plan for me. I longed for a simpler way when i had a simple plan. I tried and tried to forget what i knew instead of making sense of it.
One day i was mediating on everything and praying for true light and i heard a voice inside me say how i was getting true light but i was accusing satan of delivering it. it said how i just want to denywhat i am shown instead of excepting it. the voice said "you can't always make it go your way. it is My way". It made sense to me even though it doesn't to you.
My last name also posed to be a problem or a salvation for me. The name Saliba is the earliest Christain name ever recorded. It is Armenian and means "bearer or carrier of the cross", or the "the cruicified", it loses it's actual meaning in translation. It is a name directly descended from the Kings of Sparta andwas also sais to be the surname of King Saul (surname Sali.. the 'ba" made it christainfied when it was recorded in Malta a few years later), who later became Paul (of all people). So is my name a lie then? My husband's whole celebrated heritage for centuries all a sham?
Jesus doesn't want my salvation through an institution or any religion whatsoever. My salvation lies in beliving in God and beliving that Jesus came to show me who to be like. That is where i am at now. that is the message i have recieved at this point. I am my religion, no one else can join it. Jesus wants you to have your own. The kingdom of God is within you. I will keep the commandments as they are what Jesus did. they are right. I will listen to my teacher and i will pray to and honor my God. That's how i will grow and serve Him.
The Bible is still resourceful to me in many ways. And unlike many who abandon it's words because they find an inaccuracy or deception in it, i like to see it in seperate fragments. I still looking up origins.... taking some, leaving some. It wasn't all supposed to be one big book of truth. Just because someone told you it is dosent mean you have to believe them. That i have learned. but there is truth. the truth is good. the truth is love and light and i won't take anything less from my God. That could be a big debate in itself, but it's no longer about a debate with others. it's about living in my light i get.
~~~ So i want to know... do you struggle like this with what is true and what isn't? How many times have you changed your beliefs? Are their atheist that struggle themselves ? Do you believe we must keep evolving or do you stop yourself from the places you could go?
When i first came to this site i couldn't see past the Bible. I thought that i was special because i could see things differently. Because Jesus had revealed Himself to me in a way i thought was divine. I thought every other religion was wrong. They were all decieved by satan somehow in my eyes.
I would only post in T&A after the board started to divide into forums because i felt that posting anywhere else was meaningless to my life and everything i had to do had to be for God. Because if i wasn't for God then i was against Him. It was all black and white. No grey. Every move had to be in the Light or else it would be away from it.If you look at my posts from a few years ago especially the earliest ones you will see all of that reflected in it.
That wasn't the first time in my life i felt like that. I felt special when i was pulled out of my Catholic Church and saved, literally. It was a Baptist Church and i cried when i was saved and then felt the Spirit of Christ move through my body (even more powerful then salvation) when i was baptised.
When i started reading teachings from an SDA church in my early twenties and i again felt like i choosen and was revealed more secrets and understood more. I felt like i was special because i was pulled from my Baptist affiliations by the power of God for something bigger.
Funny thing about SDA churches is they trace back every single origin (that they want to of) of everything and take passages and study it verse by verse in Hebrew and Arabic in the entire context. Many words in the Bible actually mean other words but since they didn't have a word for it during the translation it became a word with very loose meanings even though it does have an exact one. does that make sense? (kind of tounge tied) For example the word meat to us means animal flesh. Meat in the Bible was food. Depending on what the actual word was that they used for meat during the translation would determine if we are talking about flesh or fruits and veggies or bread. However, you wouldn't know by just reading the Bible what they were referring to. You'd have to look each passage up in Strongs.
So by my new church the "hell" i had always thought my beer drinking poker playing (evil cards) father would burn it being tortured by demons and fire became a grave. Passage by passage we went through the Bible. It isn't untill the end of the New Testament that hell is translated from Tartaros which is direct straight from Greek mythology.
For years i stayed with that church believing that they were the true church (as if there can really be). They didn't take the mark of the beast by taking on Sunday worship (that's what they teach the mark of the beast is). I had gone from believing in the Baptist beliefs of directly taking the mark in your FOREhead or FOREhand, to being shown that it actually translates to having foreknowledge (in your head) and being forced (hand) to do something. You talk about your totally different interpetations just by looking up a passage.
Ah, but heaven was different. Just as the Baptist before them the SDA's believed in heaven on earth eventually. You know, the whole John's vision in Revelation type of New Jeruselum?
*knock, knock* One day a Jehovah Witness came and she had a Watchtower Magazine on the New Earth. Being an SDA we actually have classes on how to take on a Witness and show them their "error". I invited her in and we sat down and she was impressed with my knowledge of the verses about hell as well as others. She seemed to think i was agreeing with her because we have alot of the common beliefs. But then i started talking about the Sabbath and why it is special and we got into a Bible discussion about that. She soon became my friend and came back every week. we never discussed where we differed in viewpoints (they don't believe in the trinity), we mostly discussed the New Earth.
Now this is where it stated to go crazy for me. The SDA religion was so into getting rid of all pagan traditions (birthdays, wedding rings, sunday worship, flesh eating, christmas, easter...) but yet they would only use the King James version of the Bible.. King James was a pretty evil man who didn't think anyone was worthy of reading the Bible but priest and kings. I wondered why my church would trust the man who murdered and supressed people.
(this was also around the same time the old spirituality forum on BL opened)
I thought if the church has done all of this and accepted all of the nonBiblical traditions then it doesn't sound like it was walking into the Light of God. For the first time ever i left my Bible for outside info.
The first place i started was finding out about how the Bible was compiled and what all went on with it. What i found out did not make me happy. I went on a quest for all these other missing books and documents. I discovered the Gnostics and the Essenes and all the paganism in the Jews in the OT. I discovered the Christ concept and the other Christ. (Later i would learn that some refer to this same evolving story as a meme which is a whole another thing for me really.) I saw Jesus in a different role with a different view in these other books. If these books were hidden and not discovered or rejected by the king, but yet the king incorporated pagan mythology into the Bible for his advantage in controlling and converting the pagans then why shouldn't i trust the books that stayed away from the king's hands. And Paul's hands too. I always considered Paul such a holy man but then reading about him and his greed and obsessions made me realize i couldnt trust him to determine what books or pieces of books belonged in the Bible either. I mean, how could they say that paragraph A from this church can be included in the Bible but not paragraph B.?
I wanted true christainity. I wanted to know what Jesus really wanted and what He really said and what his role really was without interference from contridicting books of the NT. The Essenes fascinated me, and still do. If there is one form of christainity that is most true the Essenes would have to be it. They knew of the Christ Concept and were aware of other Christ before that, but yet were waiting for their messiah as promised.
So through studing them i got into reading about Buddism which i believe Jesus was trying to show us. Somehow His posistion to me changed from the trinity concept into one of Him being born a regular man (the bible says he was born like me and you too, not knowing who he was to be much later), a messager of God, a Son of God, who lived a perfect life and achieved the ultimate- becoming one with God. To me then i saw He wanted us free from the bonds of religion and wanted us to devolop the God in ourselves. The Bible told me we were created to be like God. It says that we are created in His image and to reflect him in all ways. So the buddhist approach i do not knock.
From there i looked into the history of religions and how they all formed up. of, coarse, posting on BL did not help me any. I was tring to sort things out for myself and i all i ever heard was that God was created by man. That i was not ever going to accept. Religion was created by man. Everyone was equal and there were many paths. We all have the imprint of God in us, we just have to recogize (or deny) that.
So i liked the Essenes and i dug into old Jewish roots but problem was when i dug deeper i found out that the entire trinity concept was based on mythology. what's worse i discovered was all the same OT stories that i based alot of faith upon were taken from the pagans themselves. what made me madder was that i was always told that the first four books of my bible were the same as the Jewish Torah. They are not. There are certainly twist and omissions in the stories book to book. Many of the Psalms and Chaldean myth of the flood, the story of Moses and Abraham, as well as the Garden of Eden creation story can all be traced back to pagan mythology before they were ever recorded in a holy book. these stories are almost exactly the same except the names have been changed.
for example here is a piece of the flood myth:
"The deity Cronos appeared to him (Xisuthrus) in a vision and warned him that upon the fifteenth day of the month Desius there would be a flood, by which mankind would be destroyed. He therefore enjoined him to build a vessel, and take with him into it his friends and relations, and to convey on board everything necessary to sustain life, together with all the different animals, both birds and quadrupeds, and trust himself fearlessly to the deep. After the flood had been upon the earth, and was in time abated, Xisutrus sent out birds from the vessel. He therefore made an opening in the vessel, and upon looking out found that it was stranded upon the side of some mountain."
The legends of Moses leading the children of Israel out of Egypt is a version of the story of Bacchus, the Sun-god.
Bacchus had a rod with which he performed miracles, and which he could change into a serpent at pleasure. he passed the Red Sea, dry shod, at the head of his army. By the same mighty wand, he drew water from the rock, and wherever they marched, the land flowed with wine, milk and honey.
~~~~~
I really had to sort things out. I am not and will not ever believe in anything less then a Higher Power. I have had too many things happen to me all my life like being saved by my angels and OBE's that nobody will ever convince me didnt really happen. Or that was my brain experiencing trauma or whatever. NEVER!
So what about these "myths"? I could say that they were planted here by satan to decieve people but that would be turning a blind eye and living in denial really. Some christains who don't believe the world is as old as it is think that dino bones were planted here too as deception. This is all just a wacked out way to think to me.
To put away these stories as pagan myths would be to put away my whole Bible and start over with a completly different religion. Or i can think about it, think about it. What if since we can trace these "myth" stories all the way back to Eden and since they predate the bible what if pagantry was the true religion? And then i thought if it all started in the Garden of Eden with just God and man, then wouldn't everything that comes between God and man be pagan? including all religion? If it was just God and man then, then it should be God and man now. But how would i serve God what about the Bible will i believe if any? How do i determine what is true and what's not for me? I think now that since time and stories started with the pagans, then pagans all are we. All religions formed out of it so therefore the truth has to be there too.
Of, coarse, this is the most difficult part because some myths are just not keeping in Gods law at all.
The trinity has also been disputed or believed in with other Christ before Him thousands of years ago. Some pagans believed it as too pagan.
I just don't know.
I used to think that Satan was messing with my head by showing me these things to get me off track and away from Gods plan for me. I longed for a simpler way when i had a simple plan. I tried and tried to forget what i knew instead of making sense of it.
One day i was mediating on everything and praying for true light and i heard a voice inside me say how i was getting true light but i was accusing satan of delivering it. it said how i just want to denywhat i am shown instead of excepting it. the voice said "you can't always make it go your way. it is My way". It made sense to me even though it doesn't to you.
My last name also posed to be a problem or a salvation for me. The name Saliba is the earliest Christain name ever recorded. It is Armenian and means "bearer or carrier of the cross", or the "the cruicified", it loses it's actual meaning in translation. It is a name directly descended from the Kings of Sparta andwas also sais to be the surname of King Saul (surname Sali.. the 'ba" made it christainfied when it was recorded in Malta a few years later), who later became Paul (of all people). So is my name a lie then? My husband's whole celebrated heritage for centuries all a sham?
Jesus doesn't want my salvation through an institution or any religion whatsoever. My salvation lies in beliving in God and beliving that Jesus came to show me who to be like. That is where i am at now. that is the message i have recieved at this point. I am my religion, no one else can join it. Jesus wants you to have your own. The kingdom of God is within you. I will keep the commandments as they are what Jesus did. they are right. I will listen to my teacher and i will pray to and honor my God. That's how i will grow and serve Him.
The Bible is still resourceful to me in many ways. And unlike many who abandon it's words because they find an inaccuracy or deception in it, i like to see it in seperate fragments. I still looking up origins.... taking some, leaving some. It wasn't all supposed to be one big book of truth. Just because someone told you it is dosent mean you have to believe them. That i have learned. but there is truth. the truth is good. the truth is love and light and i won't take anything less from my God. That could be a big debate in itself, but it's no longer about a debate with others. it's about living in my light i get.
~~~ So i want to know... do you struggle like this with what is true and what isn't? How many times have you changed your beliefs? Are their atheist that struggle themselves ? Do you believe we must keep evolving or do you stop yourself from the places you could go?
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