Hey there man, it sounds like you were going through a rough patch in life. I just recently climbed out of a deep, deep rabbit hole myself. I was smoking weed all day at the time, and I needed to do this in order to escape my problems, as I would freak out without it. I blamed a lot of my problems on weed but I later realized that pot had nothing to do with it. My relationship with cannabis at the time turned foul, because of how shitty my life was due to personal circumstances. I would get high and just think about how I never had fun anymore, I was very depressed back then (my abuse of mdma in 2010 probably exacerbated my predicament; I say this as I was truly in hell... I was pointing my finger at everything but at the time however).
Now, I have a good job which is enhancing my motivation and helping me find purpose. I don't have nearly as much pent up anger and depression, and I'm smoking more weed than ever before; I'm in weed heaven. Still, my relationship with cannabis is like a love story these days. It's really helping me to keep my energy focussed on behaviours that are important to me and assist me in transcending my personal ego. I consider writing and expressing my thoughts one of these things, which I am doing now after taking a bong rip of big buddha's blue cheese. I haven't been wasting nearly as much time with useless self gratifying activities like masturbation, and although some may view pot as such, it's not for me. I consider it a quasi-religious sacrament, a gift that will reveal you to yourself. I can go without smoking weed just fine, and I do so regularly to lower my tolerance (but not any more than a day or two off).
I'm not drinking, either. I usually shift to a mode of consciousness with more of a proclivity for drinking alcohol when I'm off this cannabis train. I haven't had a single drink in a month, and the cessation of my prior binge drinking habit is an important goal of mine. Cannabis helps me realize that I don't need any other drugs at all, and probably all of them are going to be detrimental in some way to my energy. Although I have some psychedelics lying around that I'm sure I shall get to at one point or another, I don't require any drugs at all other than pot. And I think that a strong attachment, connection, relationship, and reliance on a plant is not such a bad tradeoff for the blissful avoidance of harmful activities like drinking coffee or alcohol, that I am otherwise attracted to when sober (like mostly everyone else).
I'm sure I'd be depressed eventually if I stopped. I have achieved stable happiness for quite some time with the help of this herb. Together with this amazing plant is where I belong, and where I am choosing to stay. I have formed a strong, highly significant alliance with this demonized plant (what's there to hate about it... people dropping out of reality can make other people nervous as cannabis as such a humbling tool is a threat to the male ego. Plus, it makes you see through the bullshit if you are the type who is willing and curious enough to follow this path, to start questioning everything you once took for granted and loved, and the people in control will have none of that. They prefer to supply the consciousness-dehancing ethanol to the masses while promoting the association of cannabis with highschool burnout tendencies - even though alcohol is poison to the body, and causes so many social problems, it does make you unconscious so they'd rather that. Whether or not they are aware of this, I am unsure - I'd say it's going to be the end result of all us individual humans following our egos as we are. There's nobody out to get us apart from our very selves. And, as I imagine, that's what the people in control want, as they don't care about you apart from your labour, conformity, and obedience.
