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Meeting the opposite sex in recovery

T

THECATINTHEHAT

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 17, 2005
Messages
8,180
How the fuck am I meant to do this?

I've had a bit of luck since getting clean but I've also had an experience which just made me feel totally alienated from 'normal' society and pretty hurt.

Wasn't exactly a hit with the ladies when I was a useless smackhead and would quite like to make up for lost time now I'm clean.
 
Love yourself and pray on how you can be helpful to others. Jah will give you everything you need.
 
Mr.Scagnattie said:
Be confident and make um' laugh.

Simple as that. As long as you're being yourself in the process.
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I'm actually not to bad at getting them to do naughty stuff with me once I've met them, I'm more asking where I can find them now I don't go out drinking or go to clubs so much etc.
 
omen_owen mk2 said:
I'm actually not to bad at getting them to do naughty stuff with me once I've met them, I'm more asking where I can find them now I don't go out drinking or go to clubs so much etc.
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I think it's important to know that the right person will appear for you when you're ready for it. Being single and sober isn't really all that different from being single and a drug addict, except for that you're actually fun to be around; you're not sick and irritable or nodding and drooling on yourself. Being in a relationship as an addict or alcoholic still doing your DOC, one tends to be a self-centered and selfish shithead incapable of providing the love and support that an actual healthy relationship requires.

Furthermore, while I personally haven't met any women in clubs or bars that I wanted to be in a relationship with, my experience is that I can still go to those places and have a good time... sober. I don't crave drugs and I don't crave alcohol thanks to the work I have done. I went to two parties that took place during the Winter Music Conference in Miami last month... had a ton of fun and never even thought about taking anything. Again, though... that's because of the work I've done. If I'd have tried doing that kind of thing during my first six months or whatever... I'd have been in Overtown copping instead of downtown dancing.
 
Mehm said:
Love yourself and pray on how you can be helpful to others. Jah will give you everything you need.
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^Flawless.




Focus on helping others, and a girl will fall in your lap. Get out of self-seeking motives or you will spin your wheels. Trust me, I know.

I've seen so many people fall because they jumped into a relationship early in recovery..

They couldn't handle it and relapsed. Almost always. Be patient and just know that you will find someone in time. In fact, they'll find you.
 
Yeah, I kind of knew this already if I'm honest. Can be hard to keep the faith sometimes though can't it, patience has never been my strong point.

Guess I just need reminding of it sometimes as I have a tendency to not trust things will work out for me. Bit of low self-esteem and that.
 
I think the best people come along when you're not really looking or trying. Of course you have to be out there where you might actually meet people instead of sitting at home alone, but I think the best way to meet someone is to work on yourself, your own happiness and self-confidence, and do things that you enjoy. Like you can spend your time doing things that appeal to your hobbies and interests, whatever those may be (some examples: concerts, rock-climbing, philosophy club at the local coffee shop, drum circle, dance class, painting class, running group, cooking/potluck get-togethers, and so on - even if you don't have much money there are a lot of these kinds of things you can do for free if you look) instead of going to bars or whatever. If you do fun stuff where you are getting out and meeting people without the primary goal/expectation of meeting women for potential dates, then I believe it will happen and you will meet cool people that way.
 
omen_owen mk2 said:
I'm actually not to bad at getting them to do naughty stuff with me once I've met them, I'm more asking where I can find them now I don't go out drinking or go to clubs so much etc.
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I meet girls all over the place. Bookstores, grocery store, clothing stores, cafes, social events, etc. I mean, I live in Manhattan so there's a lot more places to go but still. You meet a better class of girl usually anyway then if you pick one up at a bar or something, so you're better off.
 
I think one of the best things you can do is to get involved with new things that interest you. Volunteering, taking classes for interest, starting a new sport or hobby--all of those expose you to new people that may become friends or lovers; the great thing is that even if no new relationships develop you will have connected with something interesting to you.
 
Herbavore's advice sounds too easy, but it can really work - you meet like-minded people doing things you like. I'm not in that space right now, but it has worked for me in the past.
 
^ You could come to Ecuador with me and you would meet all sorts of young women who would think, "What a sweet guy! He's traveling with his grandmother." =D
 
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