Medications

I really don't want to get back on medications again but I think it may be necessary.

I've been clean for 9 months and 2 weeks but haven't taken meds in well over 2 years.

A part of me thinks I need to just ride it out and see if things improve by the time I get 1 year clean.

So what's going on with me to be considering an option I complete fucking despise? Very simply, I find no pleasure in anything. No passion. No nothing. I find myself caring less and less for those around me (whether close to me or just the stranger on the street). Fuck, I can't even write like I used to. Creativity, ability and desire has been gone for some time now.

I wasn't always like this.

I'm hoping my attitude/perceptions/perspectives change when I get back to Colorado. For the last three years Pennsylvania has been a temporary living arrangement. There has been no stability for me here in any area of my life so I am thinking that this may be a significant contributing factor to my moods and depression.

Maslow's Hierarchy, I suppose. I own my home in Colorado and being back in a place where all my things and stuff are centrally located as opposed to being scattered in two different storage rooms may help. No more paying rent in a place that leaks my neighbors shitwater whenever they flush their toilet will be a relief.

I dunno. I think I will give it until September 23, 2011 before I decide on going back on meds. This will give me 2.5 months to get settled in Colorado (the place I consider the 'Promised Land') and see if it is purely environmental factors that is causing this depression.

I know for certain that I will NOT go back on Paxil. Fuck that!!!!! It worked very well but I couldn't stand the side effects and the pain of withdrawal from it.

I've been learning a thing or two in my Psychology classes so I can make a more informed decision (in consultation with a trained medical professional) concerning a better med to treat my depression.

A part of me feels like a real pussy. I wanted to live life without ANY chemical assistance but I'm fucking miserable and have gone from a likable, personable, somewhat popular person to a moody, angry and potentially violent piece of shit.

Man, getting and staying clean has been the hardest thing I have ever attempted. I've done it before but this time, this time is MUCH harder.

I fucking hate this feeling of uselessness and fear

 

i think its a wise idea to see how you feel after moving.

altho, as someone who moved hoping it would fix stuff, issues came creeping back.

but as dave mentioned on my blog, it really helps to have a space you feel grounded in. and having your own place (that you like) and all your stuff definitely helps with that.

and you are a strong person. i hope the move works out for you

 

Yeah, see how you land after the move, but changes of scenery aren't often as helpful as we hope.

Before you go back on meds, have you considered seeing a psychologist? I'm sure that you've seen many as part of your treatment, but I'm thinking more of a run-of-the mill, non-addiction counsellor type psych. I've made no secret of the fact that I think that medical treatments should be the last thing to try after all else has failed for all but a very few mental issues. That being said, I'm not a professional, but a good psychologist will tell you if you need to get a 'script, but it is a far rarer psychiatrist that will tell you that you don't need a pill and would benefit more from therapy.

Just something to keep in mind. You need to do what's best for you, as always.

Good luck with your move BTW! I'm excited to hear about the new place!

 

thanks for the input, guys. I think I will definitely give some time to settle into the new spot before I make any decisions.

I do want to get into therapy of some sort but I don't know when that will happen.

I'm on my way out for a cookout with two people I haven't seen in 20 years. They are real nice folks but I have a bit of anxiety and really just want to get it over with.

I think I'll treat this get together as practice. I can't hide from the world. Shit, I didn't get clean to not participate in life.

Sure is uncomfortable, though

 

A part of me feels like a real pussy. I wanted to live life without ANY chemical assistance but I'm fucking miserable and have gone from a likable, personable, somewhat popular person to a moody, angry and potentially violent piece of shit.

I wonder how much of what you are feeling is due to location. For me, living in the city and all of the issues that go with city living makes me feel kind of like this -- generally some combination of angry, bitter, depressed, hateful, and cynical.. And in my opinion, cities on the East Coast are generally worse like that -- everyone is physically closer, everyone is even more uptight and pompous and has a shittier attitude than in West (not that they don't here. They do, but it seems more toned down.) or in the country. Not only that, but the scenery is uglier and bleaker, more concrete, more noise, a faster pace in the Rat Race, less nature, the air is filthier, etc. There aren't really any uplifting views to look forward to on your commute.

But in Colorado and in Oregon where I am, like many places int he West, it is different. On my morning commute, I ride my bike up a high hill about 1000 feet in height and get some spectacular views on my way to work: Mt. Hood, Mt. Adams, St. Helens and 1 other... This really helps me deal with the bullshit I encounter every day. Very basic things that can improve the quality of life and help you deal with the stress that goes with cities. And you dont' notice until it's gone. I've lived on the East coast. I won't live there again.

Not only the EAst coast, but it could be anything. Getting old makes me feel that way sometimes.

I think being back in Colorado will help greatly. Keep us updated.

 

I always liked you, socko! You've experienced a lot of things before me (and we seem to have experienced similar things) so its always good to hear from someone who has gone before. Experience like that is invaluable to someone like me

I agree that this East Coast shit does have a negative effect on me. New opportunities are on the way so all I have to do is not fuck up by causing negativity my own self

I am actually planning on getting a cheap mountain bike because it just sounds like it would be refreshing. I seriously need to improve my cardio in order to take serious excursions on a bike but in time it'll happen

 

i think colorado will do wonders for you. something about the mountains is so good for the mind's well-being. also a change in atmosphere or routine always seems to help me when i'm feeling low.

i hope you have a safe and hassle free move!