Cheshire Kat
Bluelight Crew
So I'm not sure exactly why I'm posting this... I don't know if I have a specific question I want answered as much as general advice or sympathy. I'm just in a spot where I'm quite alone and don't have any friends to talk to, so I figured I might as well reach out here. Apologies for the lengthiness.
I'm currently living in Prague, where I moved exactly a year ago. One week after living here, I met a girl and we fell pretty hard pretty fast, and have been living together for the past 10 months. However, she has some serious issues with Borderline Personality Disorder that both made her terribly unhappy and caused some friction in the relationship. (Having been diagnosed bipolar, but with more of a depressive tendency, I'm rather sympathetic and attracted to other crazy folks). We spent some time working on her BPD together, using a "skills training manual" and doing a variety of techniques, but it apparently wasn't working well because she starting cutting (something she has a history of). One night in mid april, she cut so deep in her arm there was blood all over the place and she had to make a tourniquate to stop the bleeding.
At this time it was decided that she out to go back home to her home country (12 hours by train) to check into a mental hospital for a little while, and to get some professional therapy. Due to her cutting in the hospital again, she ended up staying in the hospital a full month, during which time I visited her. She got out, came to visit me, was a bit "off" as is to be expected from such an experience, and then went back home for her therapy. Since she had to have therapy there, and not in Prague, it was decided she'd live there for at least the next several months. I made plans to move back with her to her home country after finishing up our lease on our apartment, and finished up my job. We originally had planed to move to a diffrent country together before her hospital visit and the cutting, but now we were both just going to chill in her home till she recovered psychologically.
Well, in the month after she got out of the hospital and I was still in Prague, there were some Skype fights and arguements about various things, and eventually it came out in the course of those that she can't really be with me while on the meds, she didn't want me to come live with her after all. Both because she needs to work on herself, and a relationship is just an emotional overload (which makes total sense to me, and I agree with her on that point), and more disturbingly because she no longer has feelings for me due to the medication. They kind of make her, in her own words "i feel void of emotion, like a psychopath, a lot, incapable of empathy". Which means she can't really feel the love towards me anymore. So the alternative is to stop taking the meds, without which she has some seriously suicidal tendencies than have come close to sucess, but with them, she's dead to me emotionally. Both her and I clearly prefer the former, but its heart-wrenching to lose someone I care so much about for such a reason.
She's not even really sad about this break up, because she's so numb. She's started moving on with her life as though nothing really happened... because she can't feel the significance of this. So it feels to me almost like she, the person I loved, didn't so much break up with me as die. She left for a month to go get healthier in a hospital... and never returned. I can't even talk to her about how difficult this is for me, because she's not emotionally capable. Its very difficult for me to "get over" this breakup emotionally, because it ended in such a sudden, unexpected, and... unusual way. At this same very time as all this, the few friends I have here (GF and I pretty much dominated each other's time with only a few outside friends) all left to go to different place, leaving me completely alone in this grieving and mourning process. Additionally, I now must hastily make a life decision about where to move next (already quit my job here and can't get another, long story), so I need to try and make major life plans for myself. All of this has of course triggered a massive amount of depression and despondency in me, and I'm not sure I feel up to tasks that I need to do. The past few days I've just been laying in bed, barely sleepwalking my way though my job, living like a hermit with beer and valium. I know that obviously needs to stop, but it feels like my entire life just got stolen away from me, I got abandoned with no warning whatsoever, in the past 2 weeks. I'm not really sure where to go from here; I lack the motivation to do the things that I know I need to be doing. I want to start over with my life, make new friends in a new city with a new job... but I am having trouble letting do and getting excited about any of it.
I'm currently living in Prague, where I moved exactly a year ago. One week after living here, I met a girl and we fell pretty hard pretty fast, and have been living together for the past 10 months. However, she has some serious issues with Borderline Personality Disorder that both made her terribly unhappy and caused some friction in the relationship. (Having been diagnosed bipolar, but with more of a depressive tendency, I'm rather sympathetic and attracted to other crazy folks). We spent some time working on her BPD together, using a "skills training manual" and doing a variety of techniques, but it apparently wasn't working well because she starting cutting (something she has a history of). One night in mid april, she cut so deep in her arm there was blood all over the place and she had to make a tourniquate to stop the bleeding.
At this time it was decided that she out to go back home to her home country (12 hours by train) to check into a mental hospital for a little while, and to get some professional therapy. Due to her cutting in the hospital again, she ended up staying in the hospital a full month, during which time I visited her. She got out, came to visit me, was a bit "off" as is to be expected from such an experience, and then went back home for her therapy. Since she had to have therapy there, and not in Prague, it was decided she'd live there for at least the next several months. I made plans to move back with her to her home country after finishing up our lease on our apartment, and finished up my job. We originally had planed to move to a diffrent country together before her hospital visit and the cutting, but now we were both just going to chill in her home till she recovered psychologically.
Well, in the month after she got out of the hospital and I was still in Prague, there were some Skype fights and arguements about various things, and eventually it came out in the course of those that she can't really be with me while on the meds, she didn't want me to come live with her after all. Both because she needs to work on herself, and a relationship is just an emotional overload (which makes total sense to me, and I agree with her on that point), and more disturbingly because she no longer has feelings for me due to the medication. They kind of make her, in her own words "i feel void of emotion, like a psychopath, a lot, incapable of empathy". Which means she can't really feel the love towards me anymore. So the alternative is to stop taking the meds, without which she has some seriously suicidal tendencies than have come close to sucess, but with them, she's dead to me emotionally. Both her and I clearly prefer the former, but its heart-wrenching to lose someone I care so much about for such a reason.
She's not even really sad about this break up, because she's so numb. She's started moving on with her life as though nothing really happened... because she can't feel the significance of this. So it feels to me almost like she, the person I loved, didn't so much break up with me as die. She left for a month to go get healthier in a hospital... and never returned. I can't even talk to her about how difficult this is for me, because she's not emotionally capable. Its very difficult for me to "get over" this breakup emotionally, because it ended in such a sudden, unexpected, and... unusual way. At this same very time as all this, the few friends I have here (GF and I pretty much dominated each other's time with only a few outside friends) all left to go to different place, leaving me completely alone in this grieving and mourning process. Additionally, I now must hastily make a life decision about where to move next (already quit my job here and can't get another, long story), so I need to try and make major life plans for myself. All of this has of course triggered a massive amount of depression and despondency in me, and I'm not sure I feel up to tasks that I need to do. The past few days I've just been laying in bed, barely sleepwalking my way though my job, living like a hermit with beer and valium. I know that obviously needs to stop, but it feels like my entire life just got stolen away from me, I got abandoned with no warning whatsoever, in the past 2 weeks. I'm not really sure where to go from here; I lack the motivation to do the things that I know I need to be doing. I want to start over with my life, make new friends in a new city with a new job... but I am having trouble letting do and getting excited about any of it.
