Recovery med-free "schizophrenic" mind

[ellis dee 25]

I've been on psychiatric meds for most of my life at this point, recently went cold turkey off all prescriptions last december or so. I really no longer believe in modern medicine any more, at least for mental health (hated them forever but they've shown their true colors). it's all biased with results being swayed by whoever the chemists/scientists are working for. gotta please your boss! lots and lots of experience in the system has made me see this.

anyways, I feel that my brain has been damaged by ssri's near permanently and I'm not sure how much of my emotions are coming from myself or how much of my negative outlook is coming from ill-studied long term effects of ssri use. I've been on a bunch of other drugs, lots of atypical antipsychotics but ssri's are the one that I've been on the most consistently. they got me young enough to where I'm worried that my mind is broken without the chemicals they introduced, my mind formed around them.

I can go from doing alright (best I can be, I don't get too happy anymore) to full out suicidal at the drop of a hat. I recently had a moment of weakness where I decided to check out the local crisis center, but it was full of authoritarian cogs trying to lock me up. haven't talked to anyone that can diagnose people for a while (and don't plan on it) but I am sure that if I was honest, they'd call me schizophrenic.

I'm just trying to wrestle with this mind and the fact that help does not exist in any conventional format. for me help looks like lsd and good friends, though I can tell certain thought patterns seem to grow from that. nothing full-on but I can tell my thoughts take free reign a bit. I've never been happy with the world and industry/society are only getting worse. even 99% of forwards thinkers I've met still interact with the system as if they're part of it, while the whole time they deny taking part. I'm trying to get back to myself and be able to enjoy hobbies again, but I have literally no idea how. I guess I'm just trying to hear from people who have similar minds/experiences and who are choosing to be med-free, it's lonely

 

[washingtonbound]

I've been on psychiatric meds for most of my life at this point, recently went cold turkey off all prescriptions last december or so. I really no longer believe in modern medicine any more, at least for mental health (hated them forever but they've shown their true colors). it's all biased with results being swayed by whoever the chemists/scientists are working for. gotta please your boss! lots and lots of experience in the system has made me see this.

anyways, I feel that my brain has been damaged by ssri's near permanently and I'm not sure how much of my emotions are coming from myself or how much of my negative outlook is coming from ill-studied long term effects of ssri use. I've been on a bunch of other drugs, lots of atypical antipsychotics but ssri's are the one that I've been on the most consistently. they got me young enough to where I'm worried that my mind is broken without the chemicals they introduced, my mind formed around them.

I can go from doing alright (best I can be, I don't get too happy anymore) to full out suicidal at the drop of a hat. I recently had a moment of weakness where I decided to check out the local crisis center, but it was full of authoritarian cogs trying to lock me up. haven't talked to anyone that can diagnose people for a while (and don't plan on it) but I am sure that if I was honest, they'd call me schizophrenic.

I'm just trying to wrestle with this mind and the fact that help does not exist in any conventional format. for me help looks like lsd and good friends, though I can tell certain thought patterns seem to grow from that. nothing full-on but I can tell my thoughts take free reign a bit. I've never been happy with the world and industry/society are only getting worse. even 99% of forwards thinkers I've met still interact with the system as if they're part of it, while the whole time they deny taking part. I'm trying to get back to myself and be able to enjoy hobbies again, but I have literally no idea how. I guess I'm just trying to hear from people who have similar minds/experiences and who are choosing to be med-free, it's lonely

I could have written this myself a few years ago. I'm now 29, and have been diagnosed as Schizoaffective and Bipolar Type 1 by different doctors. I felt exactly like you about LSD, and used it repeatedly despite having psychosis plenty of times from it. Although my drug of choice was ketamine.

It sounds like you're together enough by your post and not out of touch with reality. I also feel I've been damaged by the "mood stabilizers" and antipsychotics I was prescribed. Unfortunately I think it just takes the brain a long time to heal from all that shit. Psychedelics unfortunately are quite problematic for people like us. For me, it can bring out a manic phase almost instantly. Once it gets bad enough that psychiatric intervention happens, then the terrible antipsychotics come into the picture. It is an ugly cycle I've been through too many times.

I get what you mean about the mood swings. They come completely out of nowhere. Yesterday I was feeling really calm then suddenly this extreme rage washed over me no reason at all. I think it's just the brain trying to adjust itself to not having chemicals, prescribed or otherwise. Good luck to you.

 

[InvegaAnon]

I've only had brief encounters with medications that hurt me, but I can tell you it's possible to get better. Damage from SSRIs is often not permanent, and sometimes it's not even technically damage, just dysregulation. Your serotonin receptors are downregulated and it's a good idea to stay away from psychedelics while you're healing, because those can also downregulate serotonin receptors. But they also increase serotonin production, and if you say they're helping you, perhaps they are. Just know when to stop when it's not helping you.