Me, My Thoughts, My dog

I have no other distractions right now. My dad gave me a computer about 2 years ago (a Mac laptop). His broke so he asked if he could use mine. I deleted EVERYTHING on it. My poetry, personal writings, resume, pics of my dead ex-girlfriend are now all gone. I intentionally didn't back them up. I then deleted ANY file or directory that had the option to delete. I gave my mom the laptop to give to my dad and told her I don't want it back.
I don't have a tv (I usually just watch shit online) so, right now I am going nuts with boredom.

I have my phone that has Internet on it but it is limited in what it can do.

I'm feeling angry and violent. This is day 6 of not taking my meds and I can see how irrational I am being. I REFUSE to take them. When medicated, there is no happy or sad, just a sense of 'I'm here but I'm not human'.

I don't want to be in a state of numbness when I go to rehab. I need to feel so that I can address the things that need to be addressed. Otherwise I will be in counseling with nothing to say and I have things that need to be said.

I won't but I really want to hurt my dad. The fuckin' asshole called me a 'retard' and 'mental case' yesterday. Fuck him! How dare he judge me. I would love to stick a knife in him. He doesn't want me well, he just wants to sit on his throne and wonder why everyone isn't like him. Close minded, controlling and judgemental, yeah the world needs more assholes like him. What a jerkoff.

I REALLy want to get high right now. Its not an option. I just need to let time move and before you know it I'll be on my way to getting well.

 

~~~~~~~Positive Energy for Overdone~~~~~~~

I relate on the douchebag dad bit, though I don't have violent thoughts.
Sometimes you have to just sit back and say- 'okay, you can look down your nose at me, sure. But the truth is, you raised me , so now i know better than to be as arrogant and close minded as you'
Try to look at the situation with your father as a lesson in how not to behave as a person- and one day, if you become a dad, how NOT to treat your child.

I hope you get a computer again soon and that therapy goes well.

 

Thank you! Things always get better but waiting for it to happen is tortorous. Time for me to stop being a pussy and just do what needs to be done