I was twelve years old when I took my first hit. I wanted to fit in, to seem cool, to have a good time. That's what bud is all about, right? Probably a year later, I was smoking every night, not because I was dependent, but because it was fun and relaxing, right?
The first time I tried opiates I was 14. I was just looking for something beyond that typical high. It was all fun and games. At least I wasn't shooting up, right?
Soon after, I tried benzos for my first time. Immediately I had found my drug of choice. I knew as soon as I blew that shit up my nose that I had met my love. Xanax, Klonopin, Valium; I gobbled that down. I was still just being a kid having fun. Plus, there's "nothing" to do in my town, so why not just get fucked up?
By the time I was 15 I had to do pills at least 3 days a week in order to feel happy. It was then that I tried coke. Me and two friends scored a gram from some college kid I worked with. I snorted half of the gram and split the rest between the other two. They were fucked up, but I wasn't. I think that was the first time I realized that drugs were more for me, they weren't fun anymore, I needed them.
16 was when I got arrested for the first time. I was sleeping over at my girlfriend's on a Sunday, despite having school at 8am the next day. We had gotten real high all day and when it was time for bed we weren't ready. We drove to my dealers house to score a gram of coke and some bud. Immediately, we split the coke between us, blowing a half gram each. I'll never forget the feeling of seeing those blue lights flashing. Pure terror. The police officers found .3 of a gram of marijuana and a bowl that fell out of my pants once I got out of the car. Needless to say, I spent the night in jail. That was the first time my parents were shown my downward spiral.
Following my arrest I dealt with a great deal of anxiety and depression, leading me to abuse xanax more than I ever had. I was going on 20mg a day up my nose, blowing every bit of money I had on my next high. I began to steal, forge checks, steal atm cards, take money from my mom's purse, from my little brother. I did anything I could, just to fool myself I was happy. I wasn't happy, I just needed to feel numb in order to pretend I was.
Xanax turned back to coke, only in bigger quantities this time. Eightballs a day, 5 days a week. I function so much better when I'm geeked, school is a lot more easy that way, right? Only, getting high was so much better than school so what was the point of showing up.
I was 17 when I first dropped out. Coincidently, I was 17 when I hit up my first rehab. 30 days and I was sure I was fixed. "I can smoke again, that's all I'll do." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bud turned to coke, coke turned to xanax again. I'll never forget the next event that would change my life.
I had taken all of my xanax that I meant to keep for the next week. Drooling, I called my best friend of 10 years, asking if I could borrow his xbox 360. Only, I didn't want his video games. I entered his house after kicking in a door and proceeded to ransack the place. I woke up the next morning to the police knocking on my parent's house and $1000 dollars worth of shit in my room.
That was the second time I went to jail. And detox for the first time. While in detox, I found out about AA. I managed to work the program for 140 days before I found oxycontin.
For the past year I have been abusing oxycontin, every single day. I have about a $1300 dollar a week habit with my girlfriend. My parents don't know, yet. I haven't stole, but I still feel the same.
I'm unhealty, can't eat right, and worse; I don't feel normal without the drug in my system. When it's gone, all I can think about is getting it back up my nose. I tell myself that it's for my back pain when really I know. I'm back to getting numb again.
Drugs are cool and all, but once they start fucking things up, it's time to take a stand. Don't be a fool, don't be stubborn. If you need help, ask for it.
I post this because if I can prevent just one person from doing what I did, it is worth it.
I hate myself for what I have done in the past, and that is what dictates my present and my future. Drugs control me. I can't control them, I never could control them. I was just along for the ride.
Don't let your shadow get the best of you.
The first time I tried opiates I was 14. I was just looking for something beyond that typical high. It was all fun and games. At least I wasn't shooting up, right?
Soon after, I tried benzos for my first time. Immediately I had found my drug of choice. I knew as soon as I blew that shit up my nose that I had met my love. Xanax, Klonopin, Valium; I gobbled that down. I was still just being a kid having fun. Plus, there's "nothing" to do in my town, so why not just get fucked up?
By the time I was 15 I had to do pills at least 3 days a week in order to feel happy. It was then that I tried coke. Me and two friends scored a gram from some college kid I worked with. I snorted half of the gram and split the rest between the other two. They were fucked up, but I wasn't. I think that was the first time I realized that drugs were more for me, they weren't fun anymore, I needed them.
16 was when I got arrested for the first time. I was sleeping over at my girlfriend's on a Sunday, despite having school at 8am the next day. We had gotten real high all day and when it was time for bed we weren't ready. We drove to my dealers house to score a gram of coke and some bud. Immediately, we split the coke between us, blowing a half gram each. I'll never forget the feeling of seeing those blue lights flashing. Pure terror. The police officers found .3 of a gram of marijuana and a bowl that fell out of my pants once I got out of the car. Needless to say, I spent the night in jail. That was the first time my parents were shown my downward spiral.
Following my arrest I dealt with a great deal of anxiety and depression, leading me to abuse xanax more than I ever had. I was going on 20mg a day up my nose, blowing every bit of money I had on my next high. I began to steal, forge checks, steal atm cards, take money from my mom's purse, from my little brother. I did anything I could, just to fool myself I was happy. I wasn't happy, I just needed to feel numb in order to pretend I was.
Xanax turned back to coke, only in bigger quantities this time. Eightballs a day, 5 days a week. I function so much better when I'm geeked, school is a lot more easy that way, right? Only, getting high was so much better than school so what was the point of showing up.
I was 17 when I first dropped out. Coincidently, I was 17 when I hit up my first rehab. 30 days and I was sure I was fixed. "I can smoke again, that's all I'll do." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bud turned to coke, coke turned to xanax again. I'll never forget the next event that would change my life.
I had taken all of my xanax that I meant to keep for the next week. Drooling, I called my best friend of 10 years, asking if I could borrow his xbox 360. Only, I didn't want his video games. I entered his house after kicking in a door and proceeded to ransack the place. I woke up the next morning to the police knocking on my parent's house and $1000 dollars worth of shit in my room.
That was the second time I went to jail. And detox for the first time. While in detox, I found out about AA. I managed to work the program for 140 days before I found oxycontin.
For the past year I have been abusing oxycontin, every single day. I have about a $1300 dollar a week habit with my girlfriend. My parents don't know, yet. I haven't stole, but I still feel the same.
I'm unhealty, can't eat right, and worse; I don't feel normal without the drug in my system. When it's gone, all I can think about is getting it back up my nose. I tell myself that it's for my back pain when really I know. I'm back to getting numb again.
Drugs are cool and all, but once they start fucking things up, it's time to take a stand. Don't be a fool, don't be stubborn. If you need help, ask for it.
I post this because if I can prevent just one person from doing what I did, it is worth it.
I hate myself for what I have done in the past, and that is what dictates my present and my future. Drugs control me. I can't control them, I never could control them. I was just along for the ride.
Don't let your shadow get the best of you.
