mdpv ruined everything

[xxsicknessxx]

i was a normal user 5 years ago. I worked full time, handled my entire life well, I did well..... school... work... girls... car...place....life. I rocked.

Then I met my brother. Then I met mdpv. It started out great lasted awhile. I don't know where it went how or when it went bad but it did.
In the end I became a drinker, all my normal habits became drug habits. I started using more and more of everything. I went insane. I almost died. It was bad.

Now... 9 months sober... then I drank. I drank and drank and had to work so I asked a favor and did meth. Again. I never did lots of meth only once in awhile when I was out of mdpv. I have not used mdpv in 1 year at least. But. I think of it every day every sec. I am sober 2 months now from my last fall. I am doing great. Better then ever. But life lacks.

No drug makes me feel good enough. Meth is close but.... I can't do that... omg... what do I do? Im not happy living life sober. Im not happy with any drug but stims. Mdpv made every other drug in the world lack luster to me. Nothing makes me content only craving more.

HELP.. what to do? Im weeks from just getting mdpv again. I miss it more then life its self. Meth is a option or coke but I hate coke and meth takes its tole on my brain and body. I don't think I could do another run.

Mind you I don't abuse anything atm. I stoped everything any way 9 months ago. I only did meth to counter drinking because I had to work and get lots of stuff done. It worked. I seem to get away with stims. People love me, I do better, I get things done, always saves my ass.

I know meth is bad stims... but if its the one drug I can do then stop no problem... shouldn't I allow my self a treat once in awhile

 

[badfish45]

Hey sickness -

First of all congratulations on kicking MDVP for 2 months. I think you'll find you'll begin to become happier with life as you go one with sobriety, but even after only 2 months the cravings will stay. I'm not going to advise that you use meth because it could possibly trigger you back into MDVP before you even realize it, as you are in a pretty fragile and exposed state right now. Anything could happen and it isn't worth experimenting with something as addictive as meth and similar to your DOC. I think you should stop using drugs to counter your other addictions as well, because that is probably linked to the empty feeling that mdvp had been filling for you. Aside from that, how are you doing with your life now? Do you have a job or anything? What are you doing?

 

[responsibill]

In a way I am glad pv is gone around here.... saved my life, but changed it definitely.... i was super suicidal when i was first introduced to it and it increased my mood dramatically I sold my motorcycle then I flipped my truck after taking a ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY MG IM SHOT!!!!! as a result i lost my job and apartment and am getting by with a little help from my friends

 

[xxsicknessxx]

Some info. I had gastric bypass at 19. I was 455 pounds im 180 now. Im 6"3. I had horrible complications that crippled me for awhile. Doctors ended up putting me on vic, ox, fentanal. I got hoooked. While that was going on my brother taught me about RC chems. I started taking mdpv and it helped with not eating and took pain away and it helped with withdrawl from opiets I was on. I got hooked on mdpv. I had to sleep I got hooked on xanex to sleep after pv and I drank with it with ghb to really make sure I slept and for fun. Anyway. after 9months of lack of sleep and not eating, and just not taking care of my self I managed work this entire time but I also lost my mind. I think it was 3 months before I really got my mind back. 1 month in a mental ward and two months on a program. I got clean got hooked got clean found street drugs... wow.

Here I am. I have been sober about a year with like three replaces. I drank then did meth to counter the hangover. Three times. so in 1 year thats not bad. Its been two months now I have been clean clean. I work yes. I am being given a restraunt of my familys to run soon. My dad is very sick. He can't do it. In fact I ran it five years ago but he took it back when I lost my mind.

Anyway im back. Im doing ok. But I find issues with this. I don't get any happyness from any drug except meth. Any drug even smoking makes me want mdpv. I dream of mdpv. I think of it all day. I live life though I have not dated in 9months. Mdpv took away that desire for sex..... like its hard to explain. Im not happy. I live life but thats all. I live. I move. I eat. I sleep. I do what I must. I need more. I tried lots of things to cure my mind and body. I take care of my self, eat good, excersies. I try to date. I try to be normal but its like im not. People give me a funny look some time that look that says how old are you. im 30 but I act a fool sometimes and im a smart guy. Its like... wtf I dunno.

Anyways on stims I feel like im all together. I can think. I am motivated. I will work and im content with life. I know thats part being high but I don't get high I swear with out stims im not human. with stims my brain works... and every time I do stims life works out for me and problems get solved. Im a good stim user if there is such a thing. I almost think I need a stimulant from the doctor. Addral or something. I almost think it might be the key to keep me sober clean and get me going in life.

what do you think

 

[Znegative]

Shit man, I empathize with you.

I was first introduced to MDPV about 2 years ago, and I thought it was the most amazing thing on Earth, a perfect balance between cocaine and Methamphetamine. However, the few times I did it, I was with friends who had it, and they would only give me enough for a day or two (well, I told them not to give me anymore) This summer I made a lot of money, and I just started ordering tons of RC's, especially PV. Within two weeks I became psychotic, and suffered from auditory and visual hallucinations. I've had experience with cocaine psychosis, but nothing this intense. And when my stash ran out, I entered a two month long depression, where I really thought about ending it (it's amazing, you only recognize the power of these chemicals when they're gone).

I tried to get a prescription for vyvanse or concerts from my suboxone doctor for the same reason, and she basically laughed at me. The thing is, I actually do have ADD, but it's a tough argument to win, because of my rampant abuse of amphetamines and stimulants in the past.

I now havnt used any stimulants in over four months, and I have to say that it does get easier. I still crave coke and MDPV like there is no tomorrow, but it's not to the point where I'm debilitated by it (whenever I'd rash from a stim binge, I'd just lay around the house for weeks, horrible) and I can go about my day, and function pretty normally. I wish you the best of luck, because I know how hard this can be. A lot of people seem to think that amphetamine's,cathinones/other Stimulants aren't that hard to quit because there is no physical addiction. But IMO, anyone can beat a physical Dependancy, but it's the psychological addiction that brings you back to your DOC, whether it's MDPV, Heroin, or Xanax.

 

[herbavore]

You say that you are a better person on stims but that is ignoring the terrible effect they have had on your life. You have written a lot about that before this thread and even though I can understand that you feel better on them initially, they inevitably lead you back to the same place. Being on prescription stimulants isn't necessarily the answer since they lose all effectiveness after a while anyway. Besides that would still condition you to think that is the only way that you can function and feel good.

Learning how to accept yourself, how to have faith in yourself and to project that out into the world is a lifelong task. It doesn't come easy and it is not without discomfort, doubt and all sorts of wrong turns. Getting your sense of well being from a drug teaches your brain that it is possible to have this feeling instantly. That would be great if it actually worked and kept working with no adverse effects, but that is never the case. If you go back and read through your old threads you can see how you started to try to talk yourself out of this frame of mind. Listen to that voice inside yourself. You are looking for permission, for acceptance and encouragement to use stims. Go back and read some of what you yourself have written before this thread. I think that you will see that you are rationalizing against your own deep knowledge that this is not in your best interest.

You struggled very hard to get clean. I know it is hard. Find help for what is underneath the need. Sometimes confusion and lack of motivation are anxiety related. Getting help for self-esteem issues and for anxiety might be a way to support yourself better than resignation to the idea that you have to have these drugs to function.

 

[F1n1shed]

I will put this simply, because i like to think things through with drugs. I was introduced to meth recently, have some sitting with me right now which i am tempted to do but am holding off. Did it 3 days in a row ( past 3 days ). Anyways i know while your on it you become a better person, in pretty much every aspect. But it's that dopamine rush that's tricking you, once it goes away you are left with your self again and in even worse shape. You can't just live on stims for ever, think of the big picture. You get spun out one day, feel like god and get tons of things done. But now you wake up the next day feeling lazy, unmotivated , and depressed. Just think of that next day, any time you want to use. That next day will always put you in a lower place than before you used. That is what i am going to do when i run out of mine, i am confident i will not pick up anymore.

 

[stardust.hero]

Hi sickness I'm so sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I can so strongly identify with the battle you are going through with your MDPV addiction. I too was one of the people who got wrapped into the internet ordering and RC game. My drug of choice was Mephedrone. I ended up facing a series of life spiraling events that eventually led to me going into psychosis and eventually entering a rehab program.

After rehab I dealt with that similar fear of never using again. I was not happy with life and how I could go on without something I fell so deeply in love with.

The cravings and the fear of not having it were debilitating at first. I would go through several bouts daily on how I would need to get more and how I would get more. I thought it would never end. The fear of never having it.

It dwindled slowly, and I mean slowly. By four months the panic attacks associated with wanting to get it or finding a replacement were beginning to become less frequent. I honestly never believed I would NEVER want it. But to be honest now having been off it for over a year I feel no want for it at all. I am infact quite scared of it for what it made me do and put me through physically.

The want for it does stop I am sure of it.

Also you seem to think Meth is a worse option than MDPV. Do not allow yourself to fall into the trap of believing just because Meth is a known illegal and harmful substance and gets plenty of air time telling you such, that MDPV is a better option. They are on an equal playing field.

 

[Missykins]

"...Sorry posting on a phone. I was paranoid its odd...I do small line method louse one day sleep and become horrible paranoid. The very weird thing is I feel and act high like I'm redosing but I'm not. I think the drug bringing out a mental problem. Well after sleep I fine . Speed messes with me bad...I blame years of heavy pv use. My mind can't take it any more. I know if keep doing it one day I wont come back I go insane. But put a line in front me I do it again. My damage roommate keeps using and offers it to me. I can't say no..."

Sickness, this is from a post you made to this forum earlier this month after a speed relapse. I remember being very concerned for you when I read this post. To me, this isn't someone who experiences greater clarity while using meth. Rather, this is a post from someone who is confused, paranoid, and consumed by the drug.

Like many of us, Sickness, you've abused multiple substances. I did the same. I became dependent upon morphine, but I would abuse benzos and sleeping pills and basically anything else that I could stick into my arm. In order to stay clean, I had to give them all up, including alcohol, because I learned that when I drank, I would start using opiates again, and that I when I took sleeping pills, even if they were prescribed, I would try to inject them. That's just the addict in me. An innocent glass of wine with dinner would soon become shots of Johnny Walker Red with a beer chaser during the "Happy Hour" I held for myself each afternoon at 3:00 pm. And I did not think of myself as an alcoholic, but there I was, drinking alone and hiding the empty bottles. And I don't even like whiskey. But my addicted brain will take any substance that's available if I allow it to.

I'm concerned that you've done the same thing that I used to do, and tricked yourself into thinking that as long as you're not using your drug of choice, somehow you're still clean. For those of us with a history of the abuse of multiple substances, it's not just as simple as abstaining from your drug of choice, because given the right set of circumstances, ANY drug, including alcohol, can quickly become your "drug of choice." I would encourage you to re-examine your history of substance abuse and to identify your own patterns.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

You say that you are a better person on stims but that is ignoring the terrible effect they have had on your life. You have written a lot about that before this thread and even though I can understand that you feel better on them initially, they inevitably lead you back to the same place. Being on prescription stimulants isn't necessarily the answer since they lose all effectiveness after a while anyway. Besides that would still condition you to think that is the only way that you can function and feel good.

Learning how to accept yourself, how to have faith in yourself and to project that out into the world is a lifelong task. It doesn't come easy and it is not without discomfort, doubt and all sorts of wrong turns. Getting your sense of well being from a drug teaches your brain that it is possible to have this feeling instantly. That would be great if it actually worked and kept working with no adverse effects, but that is never the case. If you go back and read through your old threads you can see how you started to try to talk yourself out of this frame of mind. Listen to that voice inside yourself. You are looking for permission, for acceptance and encouragement to use stims. Go back and read some of what you yourself have written before this thread. I think that you will see that you are rationalizing against your own deep knowledge that this is not in your best interest.

You struggled very hard to get clean. I know it is hard. Find help for what is underneath the need. Sometimes confusion and lack of motivation are anxiety related. Getting help for self-esteem issues and for anxiety might be a way to support yourself better than resignation to the idea that you have to have these drugs to function.

thanks herb as always I enjoy your replys. Yes your right. I look back at my posts and texts a and even stuff I wrote down when i was stuck in psychosis. I wrote a few times to quit drugs, save your self. That I was killing my self. However I wrote that on stims sooo..

I do enjoy my life, I do quite well sober in fact. Everyone likes me sober but its me man. im not really happy. the cravings never go away. i can give up everything but stims got me by the balls. I want them so bad. Worst I can do them once in awhile, get away with it. recently stims saved my job, and my life. In fact even at my worst stims have saved my life lots of times.
Sure they bad in huge amounts but unlike ox, or xanex, or whatever I don't have to do it and do more. I can do a bit then stop. Maybe im tricking my self but I have grown a lot.

I just want something to look forward to. If I could do a bit of meth once a month I could except the shitty days the bad moods the crap I deal with every day of my life. As it is I only got weed. Thats all I get anymore. I don't enjoy it much. It tires me out makes me eat lots food makes me sick and sleepy. It don't help. It would cost less to buy meth. It would last longer I would use it less and it helps me work and so shit.

I dunno. Its just ... I feel either I get sober. No drugs at all nothing no coffe no weed nothing. Or I except what I got now I smoke to much weed and cigs and I drink to much cofee I feel good once in awhile but most time I don't Im unhappy. Anxious. Bord. Sick. Tired. Worried. but I do function very well I can take care of my life this way but I feel if I quit smoking and coffe and did a line of meth once in awhile in the long run I would save money, enjoy life more, be more healthy.

Get my thoughts? well... am I wrong.
I smoke a pack a day I smoke a dub a day I drink six coffees a day. Compare that to a small line of dope a bump every weed or every other weed. Which is better? I mean really. If I kept it at that didn't abuse shit out of it. Would that be better? if im lying to my self do I except being unhappy forever? Im not happy... I get so depressed its scary.

 

[Missykins]

thanks herb as always I enjoy your replys. Yes your right. I look back at my posts and texts a and even stuff I wrote down when i was stuck in psychosis. I wrote a few times to quit drugs, save your self. That I was killing my self. However I wrote that on stims sooo..

I do enjoy my life, I do quite well sober in fact. Everyone likes me sober but its me man. im not really happy. the cravings never go away. i can give up everything but stims got me by the balls. I want them so bad. Worst I can do them once in awhile, get away with it. recently stims saved my job, and my life. In fact even at my worst stims have saved my life lots of times.
Sure they bad in huge amounts but unlike ox, or xanex, or whatever I don't have to do it and do more. I can do a bit then stop. Maybe im tricking my self but I have grown a lot.

I just want something to look forward to. If I could do a bit of meth once a month I could except the shitty days the bad moods the crap I deal with every day of my life. As it is I only got weed. Thats all I get anymore. I don't enjoy it much. It tires me out makes me eat lots food makes me sick and sleepy. It don't help. It would cost less to buy meth. It would last longer I would use it less and it helps me work and so shit.

I dunno. Its just ... I feel either I get sober. No drugs at all nothing no coffe no weed nothing. Or I except what I got now I smoke to much weed and cigs and I drink to much cofee I feel good once in awhile but most time I don't Im unhappy. Anxious. Bord. Sick. Tired. Worried. but I do function very well I can take care of my life this way but I feel if I quit smoking and coffe and did a line of meth once in awhile in the long run I would save money, enjoy life more, be more healthy.

Get my thoughts? well... am I wrong.
I smoke a pack a day I smoke a dub a day I drink six coffees a day. Compare that to a small line of dope a bump every weed or every other weed. Which is better? I mean really. If I kept it at that didn't abuse shit out of it. Would that be better? if im lying to my self do I except being unhappy forever? Im not happy... I get so depressed its scary.

I think that you've answered your own question.

If I were you, I would give abstinence, and that's complete abstinence, a try. Strive for a healthy, natural life with a good diet, exercise, and fresh air. Don't ignore your health. Engage yourself in activities you find rewarding. Recovery involves treating both body and mind.

 

[broseph]

pv made me a trainwreck. and it's still all i can think about.

 

[sighhill]

Soory for bumping an old thread. I'm a bluelighter thats just figuring out what TDS is all about before hand I had never really payed any attention but right now I can't believe how I have missed this part of the forum after all the stuff I've gone thru.

 

[badfish45]

Care to share it on here?

 

[pyshcocentric]

sighhill has been quite a help for me through PM, i am interested to hear more from him.

think that you've answered your own question.

If I were you, I would give abstinence, and that's complete abstinence, a try. Strive for a healthy, natural life with a good diet, exercise, and fresh air. Don't ignore your health. Engage yourself in activities you find rewarding. Recovery involves treating both body and mind.

so much easier said than done... haha but i can tell you sickness i have done pv 2 or 3 times and im now with meth... man dont go to that even a lil for bad moods... cuz if your an addict like i am(not saying you are)... its not worth it.

i am certain that you already know everything that i just wrote... oh well helps me too.

 

[sighhill]

Care to share it on here?

Yeah I got into MDPV and the RC game a little over two years ago. At the time I had a pretty great life. More than I could ever ask for actually. A great job. A wonderful house, beautiful wife, 3 kids, 2 cars and in a matter of 6 months all that shit was gone. Today I feel blessed to even have a roof over my head. I keep trying to get away from the stuff but seem to be in a vicious cycle. I'll go at it for about 2 weeks (trying to quit and get a job and such)sometimes two months (while slightly using) and then I'll get discouraged and give up and fall into a place wher I run and isolate. But I also get in the pity partys' feeling sorry for myself and kicking my self in the pants for the mistakes of the past. Even though I know that is wrong and I need to get over that shit in not live in the past I can't seem to help it. Living with the pain of everyday life and losing everything I once cherished and loved the most in life (wife and kids) and knowing all that was my fault, I feel like I'm not worth having more of a life than living in this hole that I have dug for myself. My wife was also in active addiction and was able to get clean quick after problems started arising and left me forced by her parents at first. there's more to the story but I'll see if anybody has anything for me on that for now.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I smoke a pack a day

You should quit smoking cigarettes. You say in your post that meth would be less expensive than weed. Don't even factor price into your rationale of using drugs because tobacco is an extremely expensive habit and it's only harming your body and mind, and you know you are likely to succumb to diseases at an older age from its use.

Do the math on how much you spend on tobacco annually.

 

[sighhill]

Does anybody know of anymore discussion forums for an addict trying to quit? Such as online support groups, NA meetings online etc. That might be crossing the lines of the rules here but i really so no point in a section like this if you can't mention other websites for support for a member's well being that has the best intentions.

I'm particularly looking for RC addiction or stimulant addiction help in general jsut to be able to relate more with the members but I am willing to check anything out when it comes to an online source of support for addiction period.