So, to sketch out what happened: one day after many years free from the grip of MDPV, I developed a sudden all-consuming desire to spend a day vaporizing doses of MDPV off foil and looking at porn. Mind you, it was as surprising and unexpected as it was powerful — after a few days of thinking about it pretty much every waking moment I had no doubt, none whatsoever, that I could abstain from a much-craved relapse.
I mean, I had it all in life and I nearly lost it all and I won it all back again, and here’s me years down the line, just wanting to pull on that lever, dive headfirst into the short-lived bliss of dopamine release. I would gaze off in a reverie, imagining in every tantalizing detail how I would go about freebasing 20mg, cut off a longish straw, put a lighter on minimum, and position it under the foil. How it would
hiss and bubble a little at first, for maybe 1/5
th of a second, and then rise up in a stream of yellowish smoke that would be sucked into the straw and into my lungs. How I would hold it in and feel my heart beating faster and faster, and then I would exhale, and still have about 9 similar doses left.
In fact, just thinking about this ritual had my heart pumping excitedly. And I would like to stress this part, I have been clean for close to 5 years, and the cravings just came out of nowhere. Funny how it rewires the brain, eh?
My best hope to come through it in one piece and not a total wreck was to try and do it somewhat responsibly, i.e. set myself up with a small amount (I was thinking 200mg) and only use for a day and then spend a few days recovering. I resolved myself to this fate and went and put in an order for a gram of the stuff. A small part of me wanted to resist so desperately, but a much bigger part of me was having none of it.
While I was at it, I also picked up a gram of K, and it arrived much sooner than the MDPV would (it’s still en route). Long story short, after two nights in the K space I feel back to normal (and the gram is gone
). My brain is reset. The incredibly powerful cravings are gone. My rational mind is back in charge again. I am able to reason sensibly and realize why a normal life and health are worth more than a few hours of wild wanton pleasure at the cost of upsetting the fine (and already once-shattered) neurotransmitter balance — I still think I would’ve been fine physically, but my sensitivity to sounds would’ve skyrocketed to painful levels, and the self-loathing could persist for long weeks (and I’ve grown to rather like what I’ve become in recent years).
When I think about inhaling a lungful of sublimated PV, I feel a distant interest rather than a placebo rush and a barely controllable desire to indulge right here and now. When that envelope comes next week, I’ll know what to do
Oh also posting here is a great therapeutic tool, even if few read this/reply.
tl;dr: recovering MDPV addicts may find that K helps curb cravings. Hole liberally, your brain needs that reset (plus it’s fun)!
