Ximot
Bluelighter
Experienced user. Male, early 30s. A stim binge turned into a mild but at times pretty full-on +++ psychedelic ride and I grabbed my demon by its foot, being thrown about by the demon, experiencing the most delicate pleasures and the most excruciating pains while dancing with him, and I have decided NOT to end this session with any sedative of any kind, not benzodiazepines, not alcohol, not GHB. Too restless to meditate, I realise I want to write. Smoke the odd spliff, and write. Though, partly fuelled by the demon as I write, can I truly believe I am talking back to it? Is this an illusion? What is real, tangible? Ah yes, my dick is. Oh, very tangible. And that spliff there, that’s tangible, too. That’s real, give us a toke . . . ah! Fighting the fire while I’m feeding the flame, almost literally.
______________________________________________________________
T 10mg MDVP (oral) (2pm)
T+2.30h 8mg MDVP (smoked) and 4g L-Phenylalinine (oral)
T+4-5h 12mg 2CE, 2mg 2CB, 0.5mg Salv.A, 1.5mg 5-MeO-DMT (smoked)
T+13h sleep comes naturally. (5am)
______________________________________________________________
Cannabis and tobacco smoked throughout in intervals. No other drugs used until sleep naturally came at T+13h . Stiff neck / mild headache was the only noticeable side-effect towards the tail-end of the experience. Activities after ingestion of the MDVP included some talking online and on the phone about certain unbeneficial actions that promise great pleasure (having a threesome among friends, which we have now wisely decided against). A strong desire to extend my pleasurable thoughts led me to the pipe I loaded and smoked between T+4 and T+5, as I lay in the bath. After the bath, a strong desire to masturbate. Indulging in the sensual delights of porn. A certain restlessness. This comes back again and again, mostly whenever there seems to be something uncomfortable going on in my mind, the prospect of watching porn, watching others indulge their Desires, becomes terribly alluring . I do not want to waste my time watching porn on this trip. The only way I can deal with this is by writing it all down, while I’m tripping. Later, I watch a couple of Japanese horror films and then read a bit in a book by the Dalai Lama until sleep comes. I have learnt how very different a stimulant high is from a psychedelic high. Hell, I knew this before, didn’t I? So, nothing new there. It was actually a very rewarding trip, I feel. Difficult, but far from being a trainwreck. Still, a good reminder of what psychedelics are for and a cautionary tale for all those (including myself) who take them for what I believe to be (partly) the wrong reasons.
I typed this today, deciphering my sketchy handwriting and adding this explanatory paragraph, as soon as I got up after 7 hours' sleep, so I am in the afterglow of the experience. I was unsure whether to post this in The Dark Side because many folks there might be able to relate, or in the Creative Writing section or indeed here, which is what I have decided to do for now. This is also why I added everything above, in order to give a proper framework for the psychedelic ramblings to follow. It's not a trip report in the proper sense ("and then it was this strong, and I did this, and felt this, and thought that...") but more of a Talk to Self and Imagined People. Dancing with my Demons.
______________________________________________________________
(Overcome by Desire for Sex + Drugs)
I was ready to betray my friend to satisfy my own selfish desires. I would not have gained any lasting satisfaction from this. The demon would rear its ugly head again. Loneliness, restlessness. A compulsive urge to hold on and push and feel a push in return. Desire. Everything concentrates in this one place, and it gets tenser, tenser… then: release. The promise of eternity, all just a moment a way, yours to take if you just follow your Desire. One step further, go. Go.
Humiliated, pushed into regret. Feeling ashamed of you. Go away. But no, you will always stay. And I will keep trying to make peace. I meditate . . . I want to be disciplined . . . and see you there and give you little morsels now and then that you may acknowledge, if you like. But no more than that. I just know that no matter how much I indulge you, you will not bring me lasting peace and happiness. All you give me is a terribly temorary relief from the suffering you have already caused me.
Just follow your Desire. Eternally eluding. You make life worthwhile, or so you tell me with your sweet talk. After I satisfied you, I feel that actually you make it unbearable, not worthwhile. Oh, how did you do this to me again? How come I was fooled again? Oh, it was so beautiful. You betrayed me, Desire, expertly. You shake and rattle at my foundations, strip me down to my raw animal core. Where is my nobility, where are my principles, where is my trustworthiness, my integrity, my civilisation? My love? You bastard! And when I choose to make peace with you and accept you and your tantrums in order to learn to ignore them, you come back and say: “How about it?” And I relax for a bit. We just walk a bit of the path along together . . but there is no true peace. You keep nudging me, and I get restless, then concentrate my energy into relieving the restlessness, focusing it all there, still, calm, waiting, for a moment of peace. From you.
CHEAT (Glutton for Punishment)
Desire. Dopamine. Pleasure. Reward. . . . . Addiction.
This is why we cheat. We are bad losers. We do not want to be left unrewarded. There are so many opportunities for cheating, as many as there are interactions. You can cheat on your lover, you can cheat on your opponent in the game, the competition. And ultimately, you can cheat yourself. Every time you cheat, you cheat yourself. Your referee sees everything, and he hands you the yellow card and the red card when they’re due. Next time you want to cheat, remember he is always right, he sees everything. You cannot bargain with him, this is impossible. It may seem an option beforehand, but he strikes you down, stops you in the middle of your shortcut to instant bliss. Says “Hey…”
Yeah!! Don’t even imagine that this in any way unfair, that your ref is, like, so much worse than everyone else’s. I think we all have the same ref and it is a deception skilfully coined by Desire to make you think yours is somehow stricter than everyone else’s… It’s just that some people seem quite good at just ignoring him as they blindly pursue their pleasures. Ah yeah, the prescription pills. Oh, and the drugs, the sex. MAN!! But yeah, he’s always there, taking note, keeping the books. He’ll shove’em in your face when the time is right. You ready? Ahaah….
SORRY – The Buddha, the Exorcist, the Saviour, the Messiah …. ‘s all the same.
“More, more more!” TV Chocolate Shopping and Sex and Drugs, especially. The ultimate deceivers, especially in combination. Promise resolve if only you go further, if only you add to it, indulge more furiously. They never keep their promise. Hell, if I can laugh at all that, I think I got the cosmic joke. Laughter helps. Warms the heart, if you can find it in you. The desires lessen. There’s acceptance, contentment. Pooh, that was scary! I think I’ll lie down now. Or shall I roll a spliff instead?
ANHEDONIA (n.) : a perfectly normal reaction to excessive stimulation of the reward system, as exercised by the world around us at will, the media, the businesses, etc. . . . cashing in on the hedonism they have encouraged us to pursue. Oh yeah, you can take pills for that nowadays. You’re not happy? You can’t enjoy life because you know there is something spiritually unresolved? Here’s the magic pills, there, careful now, one for your fears, and one for your sombre mood, and now you’ve taken those, just relax and get settled and enjoy the ride. But remember you have to pay for it in the end.
. . . LOVE
In this darkness, this cold, let me remember to be grateful, for it could be infinitely worse. Let me get in touch with that core in the heart that can spark up if you ignite it and give it warmth, colouring your experience of everything with it. This core is universal love, the love that, somehow, runs through you and is within you. The love that you already are.
So many people. In this darkness, this cold. If no one touches that core in their heart, what is everyone’s experience? Those who touch it have a great impact on everyone’s experience, giving light and warmth. Thanks. Touch. And let it grow. Love. The only logical conclusion, given reality. Unconditional and permanent in the face of impermanence. Keep renewing, keep working. Hope. Keep saying “yes”.
Beware the power of emotion and its strange logic. Why are you angry? BECAUSE I AM! Why are you horny? BECAUSE I AM! Why are you happy? . . . Quite without reason. Unreasonable, as it were. Out of bounds, the horrors it can produce. How exactly does love come into this bartering between emotion and reason? Love is not partial, it balances, it collects and distributes all at once. It flows. Peacefully, almost imperceptibly. Life force is love. Just remember to tap into it, because there is so much other stuff there that will otherwise pour into you.
¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬
HUMANATURE
We are animals. Like all the others. But we have a choice. We are conscious of the animal that we are. And to protect ourselves, our dignity, we choose not to indulge it as we put on clothes, civilise ourselves. It’s wild out there.
How we treat animals (so-called “lesser beings”), then, reflects how we treat each other and ourselves. Will you have respect for this sentient being? Or will you take advantage of someone more stupid than yourself, simply because you can? Because they are unaware of it and letting you? It may sound like it, but this isn’t about rape. It’s about neatly packaged morsels of meat that betray no pain, for sale at your local supermarket, and maybe there’s one in your fridge right now. We are animals. But we have a choice. We love the animal, yet we are afraid of it. We dialogue with it. We have a choice. Is it necessary for our well-being to kill, or is it selfish? There must be a difference, no? I like to think we can estimate the progress of humanity by how we treat not only each other but by how we treat (other) animals. How much cruelty is there? How much kindness?
(for the record, I do not eat much meat, but I am not a vegetarian at this time)
Yeah. That's pretty much it. I haven't been crying out for response, for confirmation, this much in quite a while. Broadcasting myself this way. Weird thing to do. If I were a woman, would I be Paris Hilton on Psychedelics minus the money? She's an icon, and a true dopamine fiend. And really pathetic. Well, I hope not
Jeez, all us Rush Junkies out there... and all the Depressed. How grateful we can be to have this luxurious life. Well, me, anyway. To be able to take just take time out and get high and not go to work. What a very special privilege. Billions of people on this planet do not have this privilege. And what do I do with it? Use my time to moan about how I could be happier. Ahahahaa! Bloody middle-class. Born that way, rejected it, and returned to it gratefully, for consider the alternatives. Struggling for food, struggling for shelter . . . struggling for essentials. The amount of spiritual work we can do here is quite enormous. And it's really all there is left for us to do, when the basics (food, shelter, company) are provided for. Perhaps give life and love to a being and help it grow in a healthy way. But there's so many of us... too many, really, to have the value of rareness. Why add more? Of course, there's always food, sex, the media, shopping, drugs, and more. So much to fill the hole, into which it all disappears . . .
Be very careful what you feed your mind, for the seeds you sow may grow. And, oh, the gardening!! Keep it... tidy.
___________________________
______________________________________________________________
T 10mg MDVP (oral) (2pm)
T+2.30h 8mg MDVP (smoked) and 4g L-Phenylalinine (oral)
T+4-5h 12mg 2CE, 2mg 2CB, 0.5mg Salv.A, 1.5mg 5-MeO-DMT (smoked)
T+13h sleep comes naturally. (5am)
______________________________________________________________
Cannabis and tobacco smoked throughout in intervals. No other drugs used until sleep naturally came at T+13h . Stiff neck / mild headache was the only noticeable side-effect towards the tail-end of the experience. Activities after ingestion of the MDVP included some talking online and on the phone about certain unbeneficial actions that promise great pleasure (having a threesome among friends, which we have now wisely decided against). A strong desire to extend my pleasurable thoughts led me to the pipe I loaded and smoked between T+4 and T+5, as I lay in the bath. After the bath, a strong desire to masturbate. Indulging in the sensual delights of porn. A certain restlessness. This comes back again and again, mostly whenever there seems to be something uncomfortable going on in my mind, the prospect of watching porn, watching others indulge their Desires, becomes terribly alluring . I do not want to waste my time watching porn on this trip. The only way I can deal with this is by writing it all down, while I’m tripping. Later, I watch a couple of Japanese horror films and then read a bit in a book by the Dalai Lama until sleep comes. I have learnt how very different a stimulant high is from a psychedelic high. Hell, I knew this before, didn’t I? So, nothing new there. It was actually a very rewarding trip, I feel. Difficult, but far from being a trainwreck. Still, a good reminder of what psychedelics are for and a cautionary tale for all those (including myself) who take them for what I believe to be (partly) the wrong reasons.
I typed this today, deciphering my sketchy handwriting and adding this explanatory paragraph, as soon as I got up after 7 hours' sleep, so I am in the afterglow of the experience. I was unsure whether to post this in The Dark Side because many folks there might be able to relate, or in the Creative Writing section or indeed here, which is what I have decided to do for now. This is also why I added everything above, in order to give a proper framework for the psychedelic ramblings to follow. It's not a trip report in the proper sense ("and then it was this strong, and I did this, and felt this, and thought that...") but more of a Talk to Self and Imagined People. Dancing with my Demons.
______________________________________________________________
(Overcome by Desire for Sex + Drugs)
I was ready to betray my friend to satisfy my own selfish desires. I would not have gained any lasting satisfaction from this. The demon would rear its ugly head again. Loneliness, restlessness. A compulsive urge to hold on and push and feel a push in return. Desire. Everything concentrates in this one place, and it gets tenser, tenser… then: release. The promise of eternity, all just a moment a way, yours to take if you just follow your Desire. One step further, go. Go.
Humiliated, pushed into regret. Feeling ashamed of you. Go away. But no, you will always stay. And I will keep trying to make peace. I meditate . . . I want to be disciplined . . . and see you there and give you little morsels now and then that you may acknowledge, if you like. But no more than that. I just know that no matter how much I indulge you, you will not bring me lasting peace and happiness. All you give me is a terribly temorary relief from the suffering you have already caused me.
Just follow your Desire. Eternally eluding. You make life worthwhile, or so you tell me with your sweet talk. After I satisfied you, I feel that actually you make it unbearable, not worthwhile. Oh, how did you do this to me again? How come I was fooled again? Oh, it was so beautiful. You betrayed me, Desire, expertly. You shake and rattle at my foundations, strip me down to my raw animal core. Where is my nobility, where are my principles, where is my trustworthiness, my integrity, my civilisation? My love? You bastard! And when I choose to make peace with you and accept you and your tantrums in order to learn to ignore them, you come back and say: “How about it?” And I relax for a bit. We just walk a bit of the path along together . . but there is no true peace. You keep nudging me, and I get restless, then concentrate my energy into relieving the restlessness, focusing it all there, still, calm, waiting, for a moment of peace. From you.
CHEAT (Glutton for Punishment)
Desire. Dopamine. Pleasure. Reward. . . . . Addiction.
This is why we cheat. We are bad losers. We do not want to be left unrewarded. There are so many opportunities for cheating, as many as there are interactions. You can cheat on your lover, you can cheat on your opponent in the game, the competition. And ultimately, you can cheat yourself. Every time you cheat, you cheat yourself. Your referee sees everything, and he hands you the yellow card and the red card when they’re due. Next time you want to cheat, remember he is always right, he sees everything. You cannot bargain with him, this is impossible. It may seem an option beforehand, but he strikes you down, stops you in the middle of your shortcut to instant bliss. Says “Hey…”
Yeah!! Don’t even imagine that this in any way unfair, that your ref is, like, so much worse than everyone else’s. I think we all have the same ref and it is a deception skilfully coined by Desire to make you think yours is somehow stricter than everyone else’s… It’s just that some people seem quite good at just ignoring him as they blindly pursue their pleasures. Ah yeah, the prescription pills. Oh, and the drugs, the sex. MAN!! But yeah, he’s always there, taking note, keeping the books. He’ll shove’em in your face when the time is right. You ready? Ahaah….
SORRY – The Buddha, the Exorcist, the Saviour, the Messiah …. ‘s all the same.
“More, more more!” TV Chocolate Shopping and Sex and Drugs, especially. The ultimate deceivers, especially in combination. Promise resolve if only you go further, if only you add to it, indulge more furiously. They never keep their promise. Hell, if I can laugh at all that, I think I got the cosmic joke. Laughter helps. Warms the heart, if you can find it in you. The desires lessen. There’s acceptance, contentment. Pooh, that was scary! I think I’ll lie down now. Or shall I roll a spliff instead?
ANHEDONIA (n.) : a perfectly normal reaction to excessive stimulation of the reward system, as exercised by the world around us at will, the media, the businesses, etc. . . . cashing in on the hedonism they have encouraged us to pursue. Oh yeah, you can take pills for that nowadays. You’re not happy? You can’t enjoy life because you know there is something spiritually unresolved? Here’s the magic pills, there, careful now, one for your fears, and one for your sombre mood, and now you’ve taken those, just relax and get settled and enjoy the ride. But remember you have to pay for it in the end.
. . . LOVE
In this darkness, this cold, let me remember to be grateful, for it could be infinitely worse. Let me get in touch with that core in the heart that can spark up if you ignite it and give it warmth, colouring your experience of everything with it. This core is universal love, the love that, somehow, runs through you and is within you. The love that you already are.
So many people. In this darkness, this cold. If no one touches that core in their heart, what is everyone’s experience? Those who touch it have a great impact on everyone’s experience, giving light and warmth. Thanks. Touch. And let it grow. Love. The only logical conclusion, given reality. Unconditional and permanent in the face of impermanence. Keep renewing, keep working. Hope. Keep saying “yes”.
Beware the power of emotion and its strange logic. Why are you angry? BECAUSE I AM! Why are you horny? BECAUSE I AM! Why are you happy? . . . Quite without reason. Unreasonable, as it were. Out of bounds, the horrors it can produce. How exactly does love come into this bartering between emotion and reason? Love is not partial, it balances, it collects and distributes all at once. It flows. Peacefully, almost imperceptibly. Life force is love. Just remember to tap into it, because there is so much other stuff there that will otherwise pour into you.
¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬
HUMANATURE
We are animals. Like all the others. But we have a choice. We are conscious of the animal that we are. And to protect ourselves, our dignity, we choose not to indulge it as we put on clothes, civilise ourselves. It’s wild out there.
How we treat animals (so-called “lesser beings”), then, reflects how we treat each other and ourselves. Will you have respect for this sentient being? Or will you take advantage of someone more stupid than yourself, simply because you can? Because they are unaware of it and letting you? It may sound like it, but this isn’t about rape. It’s about neatly packaged morsels of meat that betray no pain, for sale at your local supermarket, and maybe there’s one in your fridge right now. We are animals. But we have a choice. We love the animal, yet we are afraid of it. We dialogue with it. We have a choice. Is it necessary for our well-being to kill, or is it selfish? There must be a difference, no? I like to think we can estimate the progress of humanity by how we treat not only each other but by how we treat (other) animals. How much cruelty is there? How much kindness?
(for the record, I do not eat much meat, but I am not a vegetarian at this time)
Yeah. That's pretty much it. I haven't been crying out for response, for confirmation, this much in quite a while. Broadcasting myself this way. Weird thing to do. If I were a woman, would I be Paris Hilton on Psychedelics minus the money? She's an icon, and a true dopamine fiend. And really pathetic. Well, I hope not
Jeez, all us Rush Junkies out there... and all the Depressed. How grateful we can be to have this luxurious life. Well, me, anyway. To be able to take just take time out and get high and not go to work. What a very special privilege. Billions of people on this planet do not have this privilege. And what do I do with it? Use my time to moan about how I could be happier. Ahahahaa! Bloody middle-class. Born that way, rejected it, and returned to it gratefully, for consider the alternatives. Struggling for food, struggling for shelter . . . struggling for essentials. The amount of spiritual work we can do here is quite enormous. And it's really all there is left for us to do, when the basics (food, shelter, company) are provided for. Perhaps give life and love to a being and help it grow in a healthy way. But there's so many of us... too many, really, to have the value of rareness. Why add more? Of course, there's always food, sex, the media, shopping, drugs, and more. So much to fill the hole, into which it all disappears . . .
Be very careful what you feed your mind, for the seeds you sow may grow. And, oh, the gardening!! Keep it... tidy.
___________________________
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