Oh my lord, i did not know this forum even existed! I can't believe i didn't find this at the beginning, or as im sure alot of you will know "the research phase" as i like to call it, as the anxiety/derealization is so strong you are constantly trying to find what the hell is wrong with you. Sorry btw if this turns into a sort of detailed repport of all events prior to the LTC but i just want to see if anyone can relate to my situation.
My story began last Easter, so about 4Months ago. Before i took the actual MDMA to trigger of my "LTC", my first time ever rolling was actually only a month before this. And yes, it was the best experience of my life, far greater than sex, you name it, it was fucking amazing, this first time i probably did around .3g for my first time in one go. Yes, that is alot but it was the best experience of my life and i had no come down at all, just a nice afterglow which lasted a few days, and potentially made me like house music 10x more (and i already loved house music). About 2 weeks later i probably stupidly did it again, but it was only like 50mg so i was like "meh, its nothing" Or just a slight "Hug" as my friends liked to call it, (who bear in mind are massive mandy heads and do it almost every time they go out and we go out like 3-5 times a week, my mate even carries a huge bomb in his wallet in case of "emergencies" so that basically means going to the pub with the potential we might go to a club after..) and tbh with you i didn't really notice a difference that night.. Maybe apart from me appreciating sexy girls dancing more, which i always love for some reason while rolling. The Next day,i just felt hungover, and nothing out of the ordinary.
It gets a little foggy from this point on, as i'm pretty sure i might of done a cheeky small line between the time i just said and "The event", but if i did it would of been around 50mg again, bear in mind though, this is all still within the same month. 2 weeks after my first small line, my mate was like "ive got about a gram left, we are finishing that gram tomorrow night", and we were going out this night as well, of which he poured another 200mg into a drink which we shared. (Yes my mate is a nutter). This night it felt buzzy, but more like an amphetamine more than anything else. Next morning i did feel a bit shit, just a slight glimpse of what a comedown is, but there was a massive party this night, and me and my mate were meant to finish this gram together, i felt wrong, it felt like i shouldent do it, i got some weird feeling of "This is a changing point in your life if you do mandy tonight", and what i diddent know, was that it actually was..I even rang him and said, yeah i will go out but i wouldn't do any mandy as i felt heavy chested, tired and just weird, i also had this weird feeling in my lower rib cage which i now suspect to be acid re-flux, this feeling lingered for about a month after but is now gone.
OK, so this is the night, it started with me my mate and my dealer mate who had about 20 grams on him, which my main mate bought another 2 grams from, meaning he had 3 grams of mandy. However my dealer mate was just out for the "sales" which he said was a comparable buzz to doing mandy.. lol. We all bought a bottle of vodka each and headed to my mates girlfriends to pre drink before the party. i probably did around half the bottle, (was 70cl) so about 35cl, and was just at the point between tipsy and drunk. We headed to this party, and went straight to the toilets, i promised myself i wouldn't do any, but i was intoxicated and i get a massive fuck it attitude when im pissed or on my way. So my first line was from my mates original stash and was probably around 150Mg, this party was shit btw so we just decided to do the lines and go clubbing. After leaving the party we decided to go back to my apartment and do another line. At this point i was feeling a slight buzz but not like before. When i did this second line of around 200MG about 5mins after that it hit me, my dealer mate could tell it hit me and said "i can tell its hit you" and i was like "yeeeppp". There was another semi mate here who was doing mandy as well at this point. After this we headed to the club of which before going in my mate gave me around a 150mg bomb which i did. In the club. I felt fucked. It was good, i mean music sounded fucking sick, but it wasn't like before, i didn't feel lovey dovey really or anything. we stayed in this club for an hour or two then headed to another club, of which we danced for a bit then i dabbed a bit, not sure how much i dabbed but it wasn't a massive amount, around 75Mg mabye. Danced some more, few more drinks whatever then eventually headed back to my apartment where we put some deep house on and chilled. Felt fairly loved up and had one of those "deep meaningful conversations" this lasted until about an hour or two. Was getting light outside so went to bed. Thing to note was had sort of close eyed visuals when drifting off this night (more about that later).
The following morning i felt hungover but also slightly weird, not tooo bad but not your ordinary hangover, i also had that weird "Pulling feeling" in my lower left rib cage which i was saying about (now know its acid reflux and is gone and everything, so don't worry if you still have that, it will go). Remember my mates waking me up (i lived in uni halls) and sort of jumped on my bed and was like "ahhh you got a comedown" they have been through the same thing and left when i told them too because i obviously wasn't feeling great. At this stage i wasn't really anxious or have any derealization. I did feel like shit throughout the day and came the evening one mate happend to be like "yeah we are going out this evening" so i foolishly, feeling like shit went out again, no drugs, just drink. When i was pissed i felt better this evening, and weirdly sort of felt like i was still on mandy in the club.. Maybe i had so much it was still effecting me?. next morning was the start off the easter holidays and was going home for 2 weeks. At this point i felt OK but maybe slightly more anxious than usual. My mum picked me up and we went to a beefeater or something and i started getting really anxious. I had a really bad weed trip (i know i don't know how) about 3 months before all of this, and that was when i first experienced heavy derealization. I looked up at the waitress and that feeling came back. The feeling i can only describe as everything has perfect symmetry and people look like there made of playdogh or something, or at-least that's what derealization feels like to me. I also started worrying i was in a timeloop or something. I diddent freak out as i was sober and i could realize it was just anxiety. I got home and that evening i started feeling like i got the Flu, you know that general feeling before you get ill. When i looked up with my eyes it hurt and stuff. When i went to bed that evening. i genuinely felt like i was dying. I had massive pains in my chest and i thought i was having a heart attack, i even went up to my mum and said i was. We were all THAT close to calling an ambulance, but my mum convinced me it was just anxiety. I dident sleep that night and woke up with massive anxiety and still thought i was having a heart attack. I also felt very ill. My temprature peaked at about 39.5c that evening, and i felt like i was dying, honestly i thought i was. That night i experienced hallucinations and saw my dead grandma at the side of my bed stroking my head. Yes, it was fucked up. Next morning got the doctor in, said it was just a bad fever gave me some medication and said go to the hospital if it persists for more than 2 or three days. My temperature did drop, but only after about 4 days of feeling like i was dead and even when i diden't have a fever for another week after i felt like i had the flu. All throughout this time i was looking on the internet researching links to mdma and flu. I was worrying about serotonin syndrome but what im pretty sure what happened now is that the MDMA lowered my immune system for the day after, and then i went out again to a sweaty poorly ventilated club which then i caught a fever from.
Anyway, after the easter holidays (which was purely used for recovering psychically) i began uni again. For the 2 ish months i was back, i got massive random emotions, anxiety for no reason, like i would watch spider man at the cinema and feel emotions i have never felt before. Or watch something beautiful and i would get a massive feeling of beauty so strong it made me anxious and uncomfortable. My thought patterns were very irrational as well, i even felt like i was developing schizophrenia at one point. This was always worse at night bare in mind, sleeping was so hard as the anxiety was massive. After about the first month, the massive anxiety and emotions started to soften, but now the dereleazition came in stronger. When i would talk to people i would suddenly get that feeling that it was sort of just a frame of a film or a photo and i wasen't experiencing it, and they looked like they were made out of plasterscene or playdough or something. During this phase when i would sleep and close my eyes, i would see random mad concepts, images, random patterns, but things which looked almost mechanical, man made. It is hard to explain.
Anyway, 2 months after that and i'm here today. And i tell you what, it as if everything is getting better everyday, i would say im 90% back to normal now. The only thing which lingers is the derealization some what, but i can tell that is fading. I also am slightly anxious at the moment of "visual snow" but i'm pretty sure ive always seen it but am only anxious as over the last four months i have become hyper-analytical of my thoughts, emotions etc. Funnerly enough the reason i came here today is to ask if i should do MDMA again, as tomorrow im going to a party with the same mate i did mandy with on the "Event" and he said he's bringing some. But after reading these comments and writing this. I think i can safely say. NO. NO, I'm not going to do any MDMA tomorrow. I sort of feel like that people like us, the people with "LTC" are a small family across the globe, we a misunderstood by all but each other. But if i ever meet anyone who has experienced the same thing as me. I will surely share a drink with them. And just remember, i now feel like im a better and stronger person after experiencing a long term comedown, as anything which doesen't kill you, only makes you stronger. Your all gonna be just fine.
