MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

[ScaredFirstTimer]

I just used some of the energy from the dopaminergic surge some of us LTC sufferers get, and made this table of BL-users who have recovered from this condition. Some of them are old users, which I got from a nice spreadsheet Zebrafish sent me a while back so I have little info on them. Some of them I've pm'ed etc to get an update, so they haven't really detailed their recoveries here on BL. Most names on the list should be familiar to most of the current LTC sufferers though.

[table="width: 600"]
[tr]
[td]Forum name[/td]
[td]Recovery time[/td]
[td]URL to recovery post[/td]
[/tr]
[tr]
[td]Cope[/td]
[td]>1 year[/td]
[td]Link
[/td]
[/tr]
[tr]
[td]Catinthehat4[/td]
[td]?[/td]
[td]?[/td]
[/tr]
[tr]
[td]Maya[/td]
[td]>1 year?[/td]
[td]?[/td]
[/tr]
[tr]
[td]Jethro1000[/td]
[td]5 months[/td]
[td]Link
[/td]
[/tr]
[tr]
[td]Ggarza[/td]
[td]1 year[/td]
[td]? I PM'ed him[/td]
[/tr]
[tr]
[td](Jaraiya)unsure of whether he is fully recovered[/td]
[td]?[/td]
[td]?[/td]
[/tr]
[tr]
[td]Justsomeone[/td]
[td]6 months[/td]
[td]Link
[/td]
[/tr]
[tr]
[td]Dawglaw[/td]
[td]9 months[/td]
[td]Link
[/td]
[/tr]
[tr]
[td]Ro4eva[/td]
[td]18 months[/td]
[td]? Many[/td]
[/tr]
[tr]
[td]Matt2012[/td]
[td]2 years[/td]
[td]? - PM'ed him[/td]
[/tr]
[tr]
[td]happy_dude[/td]
[td]2 years[/td]
[td]Link
[/td]
[/tr]
[tr]
[td]johnnyredneat[/td]
[td]3 months[/td]
[td]Link
[/td]
[/tr]
[tr]
[td]imatowel[/td]
[td]9 months[/td]
[td]Link
[/td]
[/tr]
[tr]
[td]Nicksellsnissan[/td]
[td]1 year[/td]
[td]Link
[/td]
[/tr]
[/table]

If anyone know of someone I should add to this list, please post here or send me a PM. I don't think we should add any more <4 month recoveries in this particular list though.

The fact that some inactive users have replied with positive stories should be uplifting, because there are many (probably >100) users on here that has reported having LTC's, but not that many that have reported full recoveries as you can see from the list above.

 

[Northern LIGHTS]

Hi guys I havent recovered yet but I'd like to share my story here anyway so I can keep you updated if I do improve. I took 15 pills in about 1,5 year. Some were 200plus. Once I took 2 of them at once and once I snorted 12 lines of speed. But that was the only time I did speed. I haven't used other drugs and have no history with mental illnesses. I started having panic a month after the last time I used (anybody have this delayed onset?). Just happened one day. Started with stabs in the side of my body, just below ribcage ( does anybody know what this is or recognise this) Than I got a very pronounced tingling sensation in my legs and a very uneasy feeling. Since have gotten way worse since than and are now steady but very bad. Always tired. Brainfog. Constantly tense muscle up to a point where I could barely walk because my muscles were full of lactate (anybody recognise this). Severe TMJ. Tingling sensations in hands and feed. Difficulty coordinating. Muscle twitching. Wake up shaking (though not particularly scared). Constant nasea. Sometimes feel dissociated mainly from hands. Feel like I'm living a dream. I feel like I have way more physical symtoms than anyone else here. The anxiety and despression is the same as other people here so I won't mention them. Everybody recommends exercise but I litterally can't run my body is too weak. I'd really appreciate if you guys read this and maybe gave me feedback and some answers. Also I'd like to know if anybody also had loss of magic in xtc like me. I lost it all ready after using five times, and almost never regained it afterwards, though always searching for it. Is this a bad sign? I'm more than three months in now and see no improvement, maybe even decline cause I'm getting really depressed now. I'll share my story say a month later just to get it of my chest and hopefully I can report some improvement. Thanks for sharing all your stories, it helped a bit. Best of luck to you all.

I had delayed onset of panic attacks by about 3 months after my comedown started. I would also have stabs right around the chest all the time and the stabs are likely a result of stress much like TMJ issues and "Stress headaches" and all that... It took me about 6 months or so to get out of beyond the panic to where it was pretty manageable. It took about the same amount of time to move beyond the DP/DR. However, a lot of the depression and such I'm still dealing with nearly 2 years later, though the depression is not entirely due to the young and reckless stupidity as there are plenty other contributing factors. I guess for me the most progress came from accepting the fact that things would never be the same as the memory would always be with me. I really missed the "young and invincible" feeling, and being able to be reckless like everyone else. After a while, I found out that I couldn't spend all my time trying and hoping to be the way I once was, so instead, I focused on finding new ways to try to be happy and enjoy life... Still trying to figure it all out, but I'm getting there, one day at a time.

 

[me2point0]

This is no fair,

I was at peace with the idea of never rolling again, I had accepted that. But i've come to realize all this is more tormenting than the vortex of symptoms, that is mostly gone.
I'm not going to try to justify myself, but I feel the need to prove myself I can do this. That this is mental.
Why do I look so sure that it's mental? It started 3 days AFTER use, why the delay onset? I had anxiety for 3 days and it started from there. If it was absollute damage and all it would of appeared right on/after use.
It's not fair that I didn't get to enjoy the thing just a little. I thook it once, was 100% documented and did a perfect roll and ended up here from a little badtrip.

Ill roll on half a pill of tested stuff on the 7th. My second roll ever. I know this is a harm reduc site but i'll report back whatever the outcome is. I don't want to live in fear forever.

I might of looked somewhat rational in my earlier posts and I don't want to seem any different, I didn't break any rules or anything, I wasn't stupid on that night like all the kids that do crazy shit, I don't deserve the treatment I got,

 

[imabicycle]

Mate I know I'm new here but I'd like to heavily advise against it. As far as I understand, and I read this entire thread, you are two years into recovery. Which must have felt like 10 years if you feel like I do. Do you really wanne throw away 2 more years? This drug isnt that good. If you wanne trip try acid maybe if you feel up to it or 2cb. Take care and be safe.

Bicycle

 

[India111]

Imabicycle actually i think me2point0 is at two months rather than years, from what i gather he's just a few weeks ahead of me

I'm sorry but i have to give my opinion on this, i think rolling again is a very foolish idea. I know imabicycle said it would be foolish to throw away two years but tbh i think i'd actually understand more if it had been that long, because at that point i'd be really fed up and desperate. I should mention i am living proof rolling again has the potential to fuck you up even worse. Before my birthday i was actually already in a ltc but didn't realise because it was such a delayed onset, then i only had anxiety. You can imagine how i felt after my birthday after coming to realise i'd made myself ten times worse

 

[Northern LIGHTS]

Imabicycle actually i think me2point0 is at two months rather than years, from what i gather he's just a few weeks ahead of me

I'm sorry but i have to give my opinion on this, i think rolling again is a very foolish idea. I know imabicycle said it would be foolish to throw away two years but tbh i think i'd actually understand more if it had been that long, because at that point i'd be really fed up and desperate. I should mention i am living proof rolling again has the potential to fuck you up even worse. Before my birthday i was actually already in a ltc but didn't realise because it was such a delayed onset, then i only had anxiety. You can imagine how i felt after my birthday after coming to realise i'd made myself ten times worse

I also rolled again during my LTC due to a delayed onset. It definitely did more harm than good, and it definitely raised my anxiety through the roof for the coming several months. I would advise against it as well, since it is much easier for you to send yourself back down the rabbit hole than it is to climb out of it... I'd say stop everything all together since mental clarity can work wonders in these situations.

 

[coderbrah]

Hi guys I havent recovered yet but I'd like to share my story here anyway so I can keep you updated if I do improve. I took 15 pills in about 1,5 year. Some were 200plus. Once I took 2 of them at once and once I snorted 12 lines of speed. But that was the only time I did speed. I haven't used other drugs and have no history with mental illnesses. I started having panic a month after the last time I used (anybody have this delayed onset?). Just happened one day. Started with stabs in the side of my body, just below ribcage ( does anybody know what this is or recognise this) Than I got a very pronounced tingling sensation in my legs and a very uneasy feeling. Since have gotten way worse since than and are now steady but very bad. Always tired. Brainfog. Constantly tense muscle up to a point where I could barely walk because my muscles were full of lactate (anybody recognise this). Severe TMJ. Tingling sensations in hands and feed. Difficulty coordinating. Muscle twitching. Wake up shaking (though not particularly scared). Constant nasea. Sometimes feel dissociated mainly from hands. Feel like I'm living a dream. I feel like I have way more physical symtoms than anyone else here. The anxiety and despression is the same as other people here so I won't mention them. Everybody recommends exercise but I litterally can't run my body is too weak. I'd really appreciate if you guys read this and maybe gave me feedback and some answers. Also I'd like to know if anybody also had loss of magic in xtc like me. I lost it all ready after using five times, and almost never regained it afterwards, though always searching for it. Is this a bad sign? I'm more than three months in now and see no improvement, maybe even decline cause I'm getting really depressed now. I'll share my story say a month later just to get it of my chest and hopefully I can report some improvement. Thanks for sharing all your stories, it helped a bit. Best of luck to you all.

I have the same fatigue. I feel my hear beating very slowly and my muscles feel like they're incredibly tense or maybe I should say like dead weight hanging from my body. Walking is also hard because I get dizzy really quickly.

My mind feels like its in a state of slumber and I cant control my thoughts. Exercise is impossible for me. As a matter of fact, even laying on the couch all day is a struggle with all my symptoms.

I didn't have a delayed onset though. I took half a pill for the first time in my life ( I didnt even drink alcohol for almost 6 years ). I felt the drug work until the next day, total insomnia, feeling all kinds of 'waves' going through my body, then getting a couple of panic attacks here and there slowly becoming worse until tuesday where I hit absolute rock bottom. It's been 3,5 months since then.

The panic attacks didnt cause my symptoms for me, I have had a panic disorder that I cured myself a few years ago where I went through a period where I would get horrible ones atleast 15-20 times a day for 2 months straight. So you can say I know how those work .

It's important to realize people in this thread have varying degrees of intensity when it comes to their LTC and that the severity of their symptoms might not seem as intense in writing as they were in real life. So yeah don't be discouraged when people say "just exercise".

For some (like thejibberman) this is mainly just anxiety and got away thrkugh mind over matter. For others this is a more hellish journey where time is your only friend.

 

[cope]

Aye guys!

just wanted to chime in and let u know i am glad bluelight is still a great source / community to help each other out in regards to what mdma can do to you.

as for me, i am still feeling good, summer is coming, time for some good clubbing / enjoying life

its good to see some of my old companions still supporting and giving advice.

tomorrow i am going to a big open air rave - i am very happy to say !

i would not have expected that i would be able to do that again when i was in that hellish mindstate.


keep on believing in recovery, give it time - do not stress about it too much - this pain is weakness leaving the body


all the best

cope

 

[ScaredFirstTimer]

This is no fair,

I was at peace with the idea of never rolling again, I had accepted that. But i've come to realize all this is more tormenting than the vortex of symptoms, that is mostly gone.
I'm not going to try to justify myself, but I feel the need to prove myself I can do this. That this is mental.
Why do I look so sure that it's mental? It started 3 days AFTER use, why the delay onset? I had anxiety for 3 days and it started from there. If it was absollute damage and all it would of appeared right on/after use.
It's not fair that I didn't get to enjoy the thing just a little. I thook it once, was 100% documented and did a perfect roll and ended up here from a little badtrip.

Ill roll on half a pill of tested stuff on the 7th. My second roll ever. I know this is a harm reduc site but i'll report back whatever the outcome is. I don't want to live in fear forever.

I might of looked somewhat rational in my earlier posts and I don't want to seem any different, I didn't break any rules or anything, I wasn't stupid on that night like all the kids that do crazy shit, I don't deserve the treatment I got,

3 days isn't a delayed onset, rather it is the exact timeframe that is to be expected. Good luck on the 7th though.

 

[ro4eva]

Ill roll on half a pill of tested stuff on the 7th. My second roll ever. I know this is a harm reduc site but i'll report back whatever the outcome is. I don't want to live in fear forever.

I might of looked somewhat rational in my earlier posts and I don't want to seem any different, I didn't break any rules or anything, I wasn't stupid on that night like all the kids that do crazy shit, I don't deserve the treatment I got,

This is a harm reduction website, and deciding that you're gonna try to roll again while reportedly feeling unwell due to MDMA may be considered reckless by some. However, we are not here to judge you for your actions, and, if it has ever come across like that, then I sincerely apologize.

As far as what may happen to you if you do decide to roll, IME, we don't know.

In my case, about 3 months after I got sick, out of frustration I rolled again, and surprisingly had a really good time. Plus, the comedown didn't make my symptoms worse. It should be noted that I had my pills tested before consuming them.

In the case of another BLer who also got sick from a bad roll, he tried to roll again and apparently ended up making his condition worse.

Again, I'm sorry about you being mistreated. I don't believe that you're insane because you wanna roll again after becoming ill. It is clear to me that you are suffering from chronic symptoms which are making your life very difficult. And it is very normal for someone in your position to be desperate to find a way to end your suffering, even if it's temporary.

I would at least recommend that you test your pill/capsule/powder/shards in order to verify that it is indeed MDMA, and not some RC or other dangerous adulterant such as PMMA.

I wish you the best me2point0, take care

 

[pmz]

:uts popcorn in microwave::

 

[coderbrah]

Rphilli72 I tried messaging you but your inbox is full.

Also are there any people here that have experiences with benzos? Please PM me. (Just asking for experiences because they got prescribed to me for occasional use, not looking for a natural vs 'unnatural' debate)

 

[futura2012]

Also are there any people here that have experiences with benzos? Please PM me. (Just asking for experiences because they got prescribed to me for occasional use, not looking for a natural vs 'unnatural' debate)

I have some experience of prescription of benzos for LTC / Anxiety related issues.

My words would be this: focus your attention on this wording:

"got prescribed to me for occasional use"

In dire emergencies of anxiety / paranoia / panic attacks etc they have their place.

however, they could come with a potential price tag. Examples of the price you pay here are some:

Potentially highly adictive. If you get addicted you are looking at a Ride to Hell to get off them.

They dont cure anything they just provide relief.

Unfortunately for me they seemed to be the only thing that releived my anxiety to an extent so there is a temptation to up the dose and take frequently.


All in all I would say they can be useful but I would advise you to leave them in the hands of someone who is not ill and 100% looking out for your best interest ie parents, family, gf, wife etc. Then they can effectively administer them for you and be aware of any potential dangers and see them coming before it is too late.

Please dont rely on your GP they hand them out like smarties, often are unaware of the dangers and during my experiences of doctors I have my doubts about the ethics of drug administration and often wondered if there are other influnces in the mix other than your well being. The concept of the billions of dollars these pharmas make (such as the patent holder of DIAZAPAM) (if you doubt me look at their announced gross profits last year) could be a potential influence. Speculative but a potential risk to be aware of particularly when dealing with a highly addictive drug such as a benzo and because its prescribed from a doctor often people mistakenly think this makes them 100% safe.

THEY ARE FAR FROM SAFE IF YOU DONT USE THEM WITH CAUTION.

 

[India111]

I'm sorry to hijack this thread, but i was worried as i notice my right pupil is larger than my left. It's not so much that people would immediately notice, but i do notice it when I'm close to my face, like when I'm doing my makeup. I keep checking and it's definitely bigger, I'm really worried because I've heard this is an indication of brain damage and my right hand side is where i get the headaches and eye pressure /: any thoughts or am i just being paranoid?

 

[imabicycle]

You guys think if I got mild influenza this could make my symptoms worse?

 

[thejibberman]

I'm sorry to hijack this thread, but i was worried as i notice my right pupil is larger than my left. It's not so much that people would immediately notice, but i do notice it when I'm close to my face, like when I'm doing my makeup. I keep checking and it's definitely bigger, I'm really worried because I've heard this is an indication of brain damage and my right hand side is where i get the headaches and eye pressure /: any thoughts or am i just being paranoid?

It's all the anxiety India, a lot of people report this after months and months of being anxious. I bet I'll probably get uneven pupils soon hahaha. Best be safe and check it out with a doctor though because it can be an indication of other health problems, but I'm pretty sure it won't be.

 

[coderbrah]

I have some experience of prescription of benzos for LTC / Anxiety related issues.

My words would be this: focus your attention on this wording:

"got prescribed to me for occasional use"

In dire emergencies of anxiety / paranoia / panic attacks etc they have their place.

however, they could come with a potential price tag. Examples of the price you pay here are some:

Potentially highly adictive. If you get addicted you are looking at a Ride to Hell to get off them.

They dont cure anything they just provide relief.

Unfortunately for me they seemed to be the only thing that releived my anxiety to an extent so there is a temptation to up the dose and take frequently.


All in all I would say they can be useful but I would advise you to leave them in the hands of someone who is not ill and 100% looking out for your best interest ie parents, family, gf, wife etc. Then they can effectively administer them for you and be aware of any potential dangers and see them coming before it is too late.

Please dont rely on your GP they hand them out like smarties, often are unaware of the dangers and during my experiences of doctors I have my doubts about the ethics of drug administration and often wondered if there are other influnces in the mix other than your well being. The concept of the billions of dollars these pharmas make (such as the patent holder of DIAZAPAM) (if you doubt me look at their announced gross profits last year) could be a potential influence. Speculative but a potential risk to be aware of particularly when dealing with a highly addictive drug such as a benzo and because its prescribed from a doctor often people mistakenly think this makes them 100% safe.

THEY ARE FAR FROM SAFE IF YOU DONT USE THEM WITH CAUTION.

I actually trust my doctor. When describing the pills I took he immediatly knew the dosage and what pills they were. He is also pretty knowledgable about the brain. He advised against using any serotonergic medication and was reluctant to give me benzos but he said that the occasional benzo use would be less dangerous to my recovery then the otherwise hysterical crying would be. (Also because of my countrys law noone has to pay for their medication so its) I trust him but I'm not going to take them because I'm too scared to take them anyway lol.

I'm sorry to hijack this thread, but i was worried as i notice my right pupil is larger than my left. It's not so much that people would immediately notice, but i do notice it when I'm close to my face, like when I'm doing my makeup. I keep checking and it's definitely bigger, I'm really worried because I've heard this is an indication of brain damage and my right hand side is where i get the headaches and eye pressure /: any thoughts or am i just being paranoid?

Just get it checked, as knowledgable as we are on drugs, I doubt anyone here has any expertise in the other parts of the body.

You guys think if I got mild influenza this could make my symptoms worse?

Nah, I was deathly afraid of getting sick too. I imagined if I got sick in this condition I would be so far out I would spend the entire day in bed crying of depression. But I actually got sick and it was like "oh im also sick".

My dpdr symptoms were actually lifted a bit. I read online that other people with chronic dpdr have the same thing. Probably due to anti-histamine activity.

 

[ro4eva]

I'm sorry to hijack this thread, but i was worried as i notice my right pupil is larger than my left. It's not so much that people would immediately notice, but i do notice it when I'm close to my face, like when I'm doing my makeup. I keep checking and it's definitely bigger, I'm really worried because I've heard this is an indication of brain damage and my right hand side is where i get the headaches and eye pressure /: any thoughts or am i just being paranoid?

I used to notice the same thing about my pupils, and I still do at times. And for a while, it really worried me. That is, until I sought the proper medical attention and had testing done which came back negative.

It's actually very common for one pupil to be slightly larger than the other, especially as you age.

The vast majority of the time, this is due to your pupils responding to the amount of light being absorbed. And, depending on the angle of the light source, one pupil may be absorbing more light than the other.

On rare occasions, a difference in pupil size may be due to a serious neurological condition, which may be symptomless (other than the different pupil sizes).

If possible, I recommend you go see a neurologist for some peace of mind.

P.S. - Different pupil sizes can also be due to an eye injury which has resulted in the injured eye's pupil having to dilate itself more than the other in order to absorb the same amount of light.

 

[zebrafish]

Hi India111,

I've seen other people on this forum report one pupil being larger than the other after MDMA use in the past, and it usually it just resolves on its own.
That being said, up to a 1 mm difference in the diameter of your pupils is considered within normal limits.

I've not ever known unequal pupils (medical term is anisocoria) to be a manisfestation of anxiety alone. Instead, it probably is a result of altered neuronal transmission somewhere, anywhere from the brainstem to the pupil constrictor muscles in the eye. You should also check to see if you have any drooping of your eyelid, double vision when looking in different directions, or a dry face on one side of your face.

If you are interested in the anatomical basis behind anisocoria, I can give you a brief summary. There are two major systems, the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems, that control the amount of dilation of your eyes.

When light enters your eyes, the retina located in the back of your eyes sends neuronal signals to the pretectal area of your midbrain (located in your brainstem). The pretectal area then activates nuclei in your midbrain called Edinger-Westphal nuclei. The Edinger-Westphal nuclei then send signals via the oculomotor nerve, which exits the midbrain and travels to your eye. These signals are transmitted to a collection of neuronal cell bodies called the ciliary ganglion, located just behind your eye. When the ciliary ganglion is then activated, it sends signals to the pupillary constrictor muscles to constrict your pupil. This is how light causes your pupils to constrict, and this light reflex is controlled by the parasympathetic response, and the signals in this reponse are largely transmitted by the neurotransmitter acetylcholine.

The sympathetic response serves to dilate your pupils. Sympathetic outflow starts in the hypothalamus in your brain and these signals down to the mid-thoracic area of your spinal cord. These signals then leave your spinal cord and synapse on a collection of cell bodies on either side of your spinal cord call the sympathetic chain ganglia. From here sympathetic nerves carry signals from the sympathetic chain to you the muscles in your iris of your eye, causing pupillary dilatation. This sympathetic response is largely mediated by norepinephrine.

Therefore, when one sees anisocoria in a patient, they usually think of altered neuronal transmission in the oculomotor nerve from the Edinger-Westphal nucleus to the ciliary ganglion causing pupillary dilatation in on eye compared to other. Or they think of altered sympathetic transmission from the sympathetic chain ganglia to the iris muscles, causing pupillary constriction in one eye compared to the other, known as Horner's syndrome.

If the case is altered transmission through the oculomotor nerve, you should look for other signs of oculomotor nerve disturbance, such as a drooping eyelid on the eye with the larger pupil, and double vision when looking in different directions, although oculomotor nerve disturbance frequently only manisfests as just pupillary dilatation. In Horner's syndrome, the triad of symptoms include miosis (small pupil), ptosis (droopy eyelid in the eye with the smaller pupil), and anhidrosis (lack of sweat gland function on the side of the face with the small pupil).

To be safe, I would have a physician check it out if I were you. If there really is a significant difference in the diameter of your pupils, he may want to order an MRI of your brain to rule out any structural lesion that may be putting pressure on your oculomotor nerve, or a lesion in your midbrain. More than likely, however, he will not know how taking MDMA could relate to anisocoria, but it's important to rule out other causes if this problem is persisting. Serotonin has a modulatory effect on the transmission of other neuronal systems in the central and peripheral nervous system, so its definately possible that altered serotonergic fuction from the MDMA is causing these altered transmissions in the oculomotor or sympathetic nerves. However, like I said earlier, I've seen this reported several times in the past, and it does seem to get better as serotonergic transmission is restored, but please do have it checked out by a physcian.

Hope this provided some insight for you.

 

[zebrafish]

Aye guys!

just wanted to chime in and let u know i am glad bluelight is still a great source / community to help each other out in regards to what mdma can do to you.

as for me, i am still feeling good, summer is coming, time for some good clubbing / enjoying life

its good to see some of my old companions still supporting and giving advice.

tomorrow i am going to a big open air rave - i am very happy to say !

i would not have expected that i would be able to do that again when i was in that hellish mindstate.


keep on believing in recovery, give it time - do not stress about it too much - this pain is weakness leaving the body


all the best

cope

Good to hear from you cope!

It's great to hear you are still doing well, as you are one of the people whose recovery I really followed, as we had a lot of the same issues, and started to feel improvement around the same time frame.

Glad to hear you are enjoying life my friend.