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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

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scaredfirsttimer i totally get where you're coming from but the thing is i already had health anxiety before i even took drugs (hypocondriacs such as myself are probably the worst people to be taking illegal drugs)

my favourite hobby is also the worst thing for me, looking up my symptoms on the internet and convincing myself i have x y and z illnesses

once i convince myself i have something, the symptoms appear. i seek, therefore i always find!

anyway I'll stop hijacking this thread, this is recovery stories rather than people like me still in the acute stage
 
Anyone else has forehead headaches? My 6 week long headache is located in the frontal part lf of my brain it seems. Annoying as hell.
 
aw I'm sorry you got a bad pill! yes that has happened to me once before. I got the most sketchy cut-out pill of new York and it was dark purple. I was desperate enough to take it although I knew something wasn't right about it.. I did my research found nothing about this pill but ended up taking it anyway just hoping it would be good.
but it gave me horrible anxiety and confusion and I was with friends and I was way to scared to go talk to them and I was debating on going to the hospital.
it was the weirdest pill I've ever had. I posted on pill reports along time ago and someone posted saying they think it was mixed with 'foxy methoxy' but I don't know for sure. All I know is that it was very scary and life changing.
 
So i guess i'll have to wait it out and see if i continue to improve. I feel that if I can make it out of this horrible situation that I can do great things in life.

Interesting read. You must keep us updated on your "recovery". I definitely recognized much of my own suffering and many of my own symptoms and challenges in your post. For some reason it is rather cathartic to read someone else's stories of suffering this horrid state of existence. Probably because it is so unheard of that we don't really have any narrative to relate our experience to.
 
I am going through a dark time. Like you people. But somewhere, somehow, sometime, you all know, deep down that it's going to be ok. I am not a bluelight regular so posting a video might very well be forbidden or not appreciated, but I came across a segment of video that kinda lifted me up. Here it is , from 54 seconds, I feel like hes adressing himself straight to me.
 
I posted about this once or twice without any answer so i'll ask again to see if anyone is in position to answer. I am prescribbed 40mg Vyvanse. Since it's a pretty effective stim(amp) of the csn, am I gonna go back to square one if I start using it again, will it worsen the damage I caused to myself, or will it have little or no impact since it's low dosage and therapeutic?

Hi me2point0,

I got really sick back on June 7th, 2005 due to a bad roll, and was able to recover within 19 months (about January 2007).

I rolled again for the first time since becoming sick on July 19th, 2007, and it didn't cause me to go backwards whatsoever.

I was prescribed Vyvanse a few months ago, and I've been taking it ever since. Currently on 70mg daily, and it hasn't caused me any problems with respect to going back to square one.

Vyvanse mainly affects dopamine levels in the brain, whereas, MDMA mainly affects serotonin levels in the brain. Therefore, I don't think there should be a problem with taking it.

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Warning: Wall of text...

TLDR (Too Long, Didn't Read) Version: "Therapeutic" as opposed to "Recreational" can be misleading, depending on how it's used by a healthcare professional.


As stated above, I'm currently on Vyvanse 70mg daily, prescribed to me by my psychiatrist. And I'm assuming your 40mg capsules of Vyvanse was Rx'd by a "shrink" as well me2point0?

About something being therapeutic or recreational - I think there's this big misconception out there that, if an FDA approved drug, which can make you feel "high," is prescribed to you by a doctor of medicine (a.k.a. an MD) instead of sold to you off the black market, it's radically safer to use.

Stereotypical Individual said:
Oh but it is, because he's a 'pro-fession-al!'

The sad truth is that your (or my) Psychiatrist is not necessarily that much more informed about the potential risks and benefits about a certain drug. And the reason for that is because he usually depends on five things in order to decide whether it wouldn't hurt to try to put you on a particular medication (or in other words, whether the benefits outweigh the risks):

1) A Summarized History of Patient Health Problems -- Physical & mental health problems/issues, usually including any past surgery performed, and any current prescription medications in use (and possibly what for), as well as martial status, profession, educational level, and possibly whether the patient is a convicted felon.

2) A Summarized History of Patient Drug Abuse -- Usually, MDs will ask about the patient's history of drug abuse (if any); and a significant portion of MDs will not consider the past and/or present consumption of alcoholic beverages, tobacco/nicotine products, and large amounts of daily caffeine intake as drug abuse, even if they can smell it on him/her. Furthermore, depending on their personal views, many of them now also do not consider recreational marijuana use as drug abuse (based on personal experience). I've even met one MD who doesn't consider MDMA use as drug abuse (not that I'm suggesting he should).

3) Objective Medical Evidence or DSM Reference -- Psychiatrists usually cannot order blood, urine, and/or diagnostic imaging (X-ray, CT Scan, MRI) testing in order to detect or verify whether the patient is suffering from a mental health problem. Since any "Objective Medical Evidence" is not possible, the MD will refer to a very large, occasionally revised behemoth of a book known as "The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" (or DSM for short) in order to cross-reference the patient's stated symptoms with whatever symptoms this book claims correlates with a diagnosis of a specific mental disorder.

4) Treatment Options -- Once a diagnosis is formally made, the MD will refer to possible treatment options, which, due to his profession as a Doctor of Medicine who specializes in the study of Psychiatry, will usually prefer to attempt to treat such a diagnosis mainly through the use of mind-altering substances, or more specifically, FDA approved, ADD-indicated psychotropic drugs.

5) Course of Treatment -- If a course of prescription drug treatment is decided upon by the MD, he will usually decide on a specific drug based on the patient's history of physical & mental health problems/issues + any current prescription medications in use + whether the patient has a history of drug abuse + any contraindications listed in the prescription drug manufacturer's "Doctor Prescribing Information" document(s).

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The point I'm trying to make is that, a doctor will decide on my medication partially based on trust towards the manufacturer of the drug Vyvanse. And as we know, many of these pharmaceutical giants regularly omit important information about their products/drugs in order to obtain FDA approval.

As a result, in many cases, this omition of vital information has resulted in the tragic deaths of countless patients. And what sort of punishment is handed out towards these companies? A slap on the wrist in the form of a fine, which may seem like a lot of money, but is pocket change to these corporate leviathans. No prison time whatsoever.

On top of that, some MDs will base their opinions on outdated or scientifically inaccurate information.

The worst example I can think of is memory issues. Case in point: I had to deal with a doctor who began arguing with me that the NSAID painkiller Toradol (Ketorolac) is a narcotic medication, and accused me of abusing it when I told him that I increased my dosage without asking him or another MD.

So um, my recommendation to you (or anyone else) would be to do as much research as you can on whatever drugs you are currently prescribed, and also, whatever drugs you use (or have used in the past) recreationally, as there is a lot of misinformation being passed around by the media, law enforcement, pro-drug war bureaucrats, and anyone else who profits from the drug war (which is a lot of people).

Also, IMO, it'll help you tremendously to watch the documentaries titled, "How to Make Money Selling Drugs" and "The House I Live In" because I believe it'll aid you in gaining an understanding as to why many drugs became illegal in the first place (hint: it had nothing to do with health concerns).

Lastly, if you do decide that you wanna roll again, please make sure that you test your pills/capsules/powder/shards before consuming. It can be the difference between life and death. And if you don't know where to order an ecstasy testing kit from, feel free to shoot me a PM. Remember this: There will always be another party or rave, but you only have one life. What's more important - skipping a rave because you spent some money on a testing kit, or using that money to attend the rave and buy some ecstasy? It's a rhetorical question, but you get the idea.

I apologize if I sound like your parents, but as a humanist, it pains me to hear or read about (for example) another raver dropping dead at some popular music festival, and afterwards, discovering that the deceased had unknowningly ingested PMMA.

I wish you the very best me2point0, take care :)
 
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I really appreciate the time you spent writing this huge message that I red at least 3 times to fully understand the extent of the message.

I had done weeks of research on sort-of-legit websites like erowid and I fully understood the effect, the risk, the precautions, and everything else about swallowing a MDMA pill. I was so documented about the drug that when I actually ended up taking it, I got scared to death about my heartbeat, because I was feeling 2x more pulses since I was taking it from the chest, not from my arm or neck, don't ask me why, I was stupid. Ended up noticing I was only at 90 BPM and I was not going to die, but it was 10 minutes too late, my brain had faced the biggest fear of his creation.

The experience frightened me to death. I think that's the source of all my problems. Post-trauma can happen after fearing impending death, so that was my guess. My message here was only to ask if vyvanse was safe to take, since it acts on the frontal lobe of the brain and that's precisely where my 2 month long headache is located. I was concerned about busting my receptors open from taking it again.

Today is my 5th vyvanse day in a row, and i'm feeling fine. Actually im feeling great. Symptoms only appear 45-60 minutes after waking up and last until sleep but thats an improvement. Dizzyness is better than it was, and DP/DR is going well too. I will probably not hit the rave scene again, as I let go of my rave buddies that now pop every weekend. I would do the same right now, if I wasn't in this state, maybe this temporary nightmare saved me from the slide into absolute darkness.

I didn't want to sound like another kid who swallowed MDMA without any documentation and ended up in this state or something. It was NOT a bad pill, that's confirmed. Not abuse, since it was my first time. And not overdose since I thook a .1-.15 cap.

People kept telling me vyvanse acts on serotonin too and I might have that serotonin syndrome thing... Thanks for taking the time to respond to my question in-depth ro4eva.

Ill be reading posts here and will update every 1-2 month, and will make sure to post a wall of text of how I got out of the woods!
 
Ill be reading posts here and will update every 1-2 month, and will make sure to post a wall of text of how I got out of the woods!

Keep on truckin brah. Keep updating, but I also wonder how you (and everyone else) is coping and handling life in this situation? I feel like I'm coping very well ATM, but life is just crazy hard some times when you are suffering from this stuff. I would like to hear how you guys are handling it IRL, how you are coping with work, family, relationships with friends, girlfriends etc.
 
I really appreciate the time you spent writing this huge message that I red at least 3 times to fully understand the extent of the message.

My pleasure, and I apologize about the lack of proofreading.

Upon re-reading it, I can understand why you had to read it three times to understand what I was trying to get at.

I will see to it that hopefully this won't happen again.

I had done weeks of research on sort-of-legit websites like erowid and I fully understood the effect, the risk, the precautions, and everything else about swallowing a MDMA pill. I was so documented about the drug that when I actually ended up taking it, I got scared to death about my heartbeat, because I was feeling 2x more pulses since I was taking it from the chest, not from my arm or neck, don't ask me why, I was stupid. Ended up noticing I was only at 90 BPM and I was not going to die, but it was 10 minutes too late, my brain had faced the biggest fear of his creation.

I'm sincerely sorry to hear that.

As someone who suffers from Panic Disorder, I've also freaked out in a similar manner after using methamphetamine on two occasions.

The experience frightened me to death. I think that's the source of all my problems. Post-trauma can happen after fearing impending death, so that was my guess. My message here was only to ask if vyvanse was safe to take, since it acts on the frontal lobe of the brain and that's precisely where my 2 month long headache is located. I was concerned about busting my receptors open from taking it again.

The human mind is a powerful thing. After what I've went through, I'm no longer surprised that there are others who suffer from symptoms such as audio and/or visual hallucinations.

Re. your dopamine receptors - I'm assuming that you're concerned about neurotoxicity due to use of Vyvanse? Well, dextroamphetamine use (Vyvanse's active ingredient) at therapeutic dosages apparently appear to produce beneficial changes in brain function and structure, in contrast to the use of methamphetamine.[1][2]

[1] - http://archpsyc.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=1485446
[2] - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24107764

I didn't want to sound like another kid who swallowed MDMA without any documentation and ended up in this state or something. It was NOT a bad pill, that's confirmed. Not abuse, since it was my first time. And not overdose since I thook a .1-.15 cap.

I didn't mean to suggest that you are not an informed individual. Therefore, if I did come across in that manner, I sincerely apologize.

Re. the word "abuse" (in the context of "drug abuse") - I fucking hate it. For far too long, it's been used like a cheap label - slapped on everyone who decides to use a street drug, or certain Rx drugs which may be habit forming without a doctor's prescription. And one use is all it usually takes. And again, I think it's fucking ridiculous.

Abuse is a synonym for "wrongdoing," but these racist, religious, and greedy bureaucrats have managed to condition society into thinking that it's short for "abnormal use." People like Harry Anslinger, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagen, and so forth. You can thank them for fucking up our lives with these draconian drug laws, and this drug war which has caused so many more problems than it has ever fixed. But I digress, for that's another topic.

People kept telling me vyvanse acts on serotonin too and I might have that serotonin syndrome thing... Thanks for taking the time to respond to my question in-depth ro4eva.

Again, my pleasure :)

P.S. - I do believe that all amphetamines do affect serotonin receptors, but, IIRC, it's such a low ratio compared to dopamine that it's considered to be nearly irrelevant. If I'm wrong about this, I'll be sure to correct myself.

I wish you a speedy recovery :)
 
I am french canadian. I don't know the vocabulary you guys use. Abuse, for me, would be ingesting a 0.5 or 1g in one night, 3-4 nights in a row. That would implicate severe depletion of serotonin and some neurotoxicity I would assume. I resepect people who use alot for a long time, its their business really, it wasn't the meaning of my words. I think the real meaning of the word abuse as you meantionned earlier is ridiculous too, and should be employed with care, or not at all.

Thanks alot for the comforting words, talking to someone who has been there is always nice. Before bluelight, I was alone really. Doctors or whatever have absolutelly no clue what we have.
 
Interesting read. You must keep us updated on your "recovery". I definitely recognized much of my own suffering and many of my own symptoms and challenges in your post. For some reason it is rather cathartic to read someone else's stories of suffering this horrid state of existence. Probably because it is so unheard of that we don't really have any narrative to relate our experience to.

Thank you and i will. Having a good support network of family and friends is paramount at the moment. I don't think i've had so many friends or ever felt more loved in my life than now, and i would be in a far worse place without it. It's just a shame i'm finding it hard to connect to people atm. i'm trying to be around people as much as possible rather than isolate myself. I went to my counsellor on friday and she thinks i am suffering from dp/dr. She again refused to acknowledge that my situation is caused solely by MDMA. She thinks i had the dp/dr within me before and with a family bereavement and other events and my depression that i was too stressed out and overwhelmed. The drugs brought it to the surface. She thinks i'm making too much of the mdmas role and i can't dissuade her. I can see where she is coming from though. It's just difficult because no one seems to really know much about mdma. In retrospect i think i did show some mild dp symptoms before i started rolling. It's a relief as i now realise this is a result of an anxious/tired/overwhelmed brain and i can work towards fixing this. I'm still unsure about the headaches (intermittent), sensitivity and sleep problems though.

I was thinking of having CBT but she said it wouldn't work for me as according to her my dp/dr is trauma related. Cbt as i understand it (i've had it before for my OCD) focuses on the present, rather than the past. Has anyone here had CBT who can explain to me the processes they went through?

I think i can recover. I recovered from OCD, which was as bad or even worse than what i'm going through now. I suffered with that for 5 years until it started diminishing even before i started CBT. Nowadays I often forget i ever had OCD. I am a fighter and i believe i will get through this. If i can beat OCD i can beat this i'm sure.
 
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Lazyloaf, Sometimes some questions can't be answered by anybody but time. This 20 page thread is full of people who recovered with time, no secret potion or medication snapped them back into it. I went to the doctor's to talk about it, and I actually felt worse there. Go outside, raise that god damn dopamine up into your brain and avoid it. Someday you'll wake up and it's gonna be gone man. I woke up this morning feeling 100% back to normal, I asked myself ''Am I really back to normal... what?'', and because of that I felt a headache coming up and I was back in the twisting vortex of symptoms!

Don't crash yourself into the wave... Surf it
 
I was thinking of having CBT but she said it wouldn't work for me as according to her my dp/dr is trauma related. Cbt as i understand it (i've had it before for my OCD) focuses on the present, rather than the past. Has anyone here had CBT who can explain to me the processes they went through?

I never heard that CBT wouldn't be helpful in overcoming traumas. Anyways, what have worked for me in coping with my anxiety is mindfulness. I haven't been suffering that much from DP/DR ( a bit in the beginning), but I definitely think it could work for you as well.

I'm currently on my 4,5th month of my comedown, and just 1 month ago I was a total mess! Anxiety 24 hours a day, suicidal thoughts, chest and stomach pain etc. I then started to practice mindfulness and some meditation as well, and it have made a significant change in my life in a very short time. I still get overwhelmed by the anxiety at times, but I've become more aware of my thoughts and my feelings. Basically mindfulness have taught my not to identify with the negative thoughts and the pain which the anxiety produce. The anxiety is still present, all the time really, but i'm just observing it, not judging it nor analyzing it. Just accepting it, but not relating to it, and it have helped me back on the right track! I live close to a normal life again, and have days where I would consider my self to be 100% recovered, if it wasn't because of some ED-issues, but I know that will be fixed as well eventually.

I recommend reading some Eckhart Tolle for starters ("the power of now" would be a good place to start).
 
I recommend reading some Eckhart Tolle for starters ("the power of now" would be a good place to start).

Can't agree with this more. I've read The Power of Now, A New Earth, and one other by him and they are all great books. They all apply to the comedown we are experiencing by helping us before mindful. Even if you weren't recovering these books are definitely worth the read. Some of the spirituality concepts might be a little 'out there' for some people but nonetheless there are great lessons throughout these books.

Everyone in this thread should be exercising! Exercise is the most important factor in a fast recovery. If the following statement doesn't get you exercising I don't know what will.

"One of the most exciting changes that exercise causes is neurogenesis, or the creation of new neurons. The new neurons are created in the hippocampus, the center of learning and memory in the brain (1), however the exact mechanism behind this neurogenesis is still being explored. At a cellular level, it is possible that the mild stress generated by exercise stimulates an influx of calcium, which activates transcription factors in existing hippocampus neurons. The transcription factors initiate the expression of the BDNF (Brain-Derived Neurotrophic Factor) gene, creating BDNF proteins that act to promote neurogenesis (17). Thus the generation of BDNF is a protective response to stress, and BDNF acts not only to generate new neurons, but also to protect existing neurons and to promote synaptic plasticity (the efficiency of signal transmission across the synaptic cleft between neurons, generally considered the basis of learning and memory) (1, 3, 17). However, BDNF's effects are more than protective, they are reparative. For example, in a comparison between sedentary and active mice, scientists found that active mice regenerated more sciatic axons post-injury than sedentary mice. This effect was not observed when the active mice were injected with a neurotrophin-blocking agent, indicating that exercise stimulates injured neurons to regenerate axons via neurotrophin-signaling mechanisms (3)."

From http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/neuro/neuro05/web2/mmcgovern.html
 
MindOverMatter1 I excercise everyday and of course it helps me on the short term and the longterm. But by posting this find you are implying that the symptoms we have are dirrectly linked with brain damage. I honnestly don't think most of the people here have suffered neurotoxicity or plain brain damage. But I still encourage exercise very very much since it makes my symptoms go out the window. Walking 1 hour for school and skating 2 hours or more a day does it for me. Feels great.
 
What is your conclusion then for your symptoms? I believe I did cause minor damage to my brain. Nothing catastrophic and I think it is reversible with time. Regardless, if it's brain damage or not there is so many benefits to exercise. Before this comedown I have exercised on a consistent basis since I was a little kid. The endorphin rush is always awesome and my body is in great shape to go along with it.
 
Thats what im saying with exercise. But for the damage part. Some people here thook a .1 and ended up here. With perfect brain functionning and health. Their mind just went through a stresful time and it can take alot of time for it to comeback from it
 
Thats what im saying with exercise. But for the damage part. Some people here thook a .1 and ended up here. With perfect brain functionning and health. Their mind just went through a stresful time and it can take alot of time for it to comeback from it

Realize that the average MDMA user without symptoms is also causing brain damage. Many different scientific papers show that cortical SERT density is lower in current MDMA users, which is assumed to imply axonal loss. The good news is that the cortical SERT density in people who has been abstinent from MDMA >1 year has returned to normal, thus the direct damage sustained by the serotonin system seems reversible.

Why are we feeling the symptoms then, when the average user is not? I don't know, but I'm thinking that my serotonin system might have a little less "armor", a little less to go on, than the average users. Or maybe I was more vulnarable to oxidative stress because I didn't have enough anti-oxidants in my body at that time? Or maybe the changes to my serotonin system is exactly the same as the average user, only my brain is more sensitive to the changes.

I was thinking of having CBT but she said it wouldn't work for me as according to her my dp/dr is trauma related. Cbt as i understand it (i've had it before for my OCD) focuses on the present, rather than the past. Has anyone here had CBT who can explain to me the processes they went through?

I think CBT can be very helpful in a situation like this. There is plenty of reports on bluelight stating that CBT was what got them through this situation and that it was instrumental for recovery. Dawglaw is an example of this.
As Delfin and MindOverMatter1 said, meditation and mindfulness is extremely helpful through this. The anxiolytic effect of just one 20 minute session is just ridiculous. I notice that for days after one single session, my anxiety is much reduced. I also agree with them about the book. The best book about this in the world, IMO, is Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now", and "A New Earth". I personally think that focusing on the present through CBT and mindfulness would be more beneficial than dwelling on the painful past during this time when your anxiety is already through the roof.

About whether the trauma is the culprit here: Consider that atleast a few dozen people in the MDMA forum on BL has been/is complaining about varying degrees of DP/DR. The one thing we know they have in common is using MDMA. Not trauma. I have been very lucky in my life, no trauma, no family deaths yet etc, and I've gotten debilitating anxiety, DP and DR from using MDMA one time.
 
wow I'm happy to find this thread! That's crazy honestly I didn't know so many people struggled with MDMA like I do. It seemed uncommon but I feel a lot better knowing I'm not alone. I wish you guys all the best.

I started 'rolling' when I was 14 and would go to lots of raves and take many colorful pills started off taking 1-2 then ended up doing 3-5 and so on.. But I did that for about a few years and I would get VERY harsh comedowns that felt so terrible and exgrusiating. I would scavange for more pills and try to get as much as I could because the come down was to much for me and I wanted the high to last.
But after doing that for a few years I quit and got into Meth and did that for a little until I got pregnant and quit absoultly everything and had a healthy baby and put her up for adoption to a wonderful couple.
but after some months after the adoption was finalized I started to get back into rolling again, now there is only mollys around so I was experimenting with these. I'm now getting addicted to them again and going a week without rolling makes me really anxious. and If I think about rolling I get tingles and a rush through my body of like excitement and crave. I bought a test kit that helps me a lot so I know whats real and whats not.. someone actually sold me sugar once.. -.-
But anyways, I have been struggling with mdma use and I don't want to get bad again :s

no, they sold me sugar!!
 
I am french canadian. I don't know the vocabulary you guys use. Abuse, for me, would be ingesting a 0.5 or 1g in one night, 3-4 nights in a row. That would implicate severe depletion of serotonin and some neurotoxicity I would assume.

Yeah, 0.5 to 1.0 grams of MDMA in one night is a ton. Not only would that most likely be neurotoxic, it has actually killed.

IIRC, about a year ago, a 24 year-old woman who was attending a yearly 3 day electronic music festival in New York City, decided to reportedly swallow 0.5g of MDMA powder at once, and it killed her.

She apparently had no history of illnesses, and an autopsy performed on her came back showing that she only had 3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine in her system at the time of her death, but that she had so much of it and its metabolites that - based on her friends' testimonies of when/where/how she used the MDMA, it was calculated that she had ingested about 500mg of MDMA in one sitting. Very tragic when I read that story.

Thanks alot for the comforting words, talking to someone who has been there is always nice. Before bluelight, I was alone really. Doctors or whatever have absolutelly no clue what we have.

I aim to comfort those who are dealing with such a distressing and misunderstood (by healthcare experts) illness <3

P.S. - Feel free to PM me anytime, if you wish. I promise that I would never judge you, nor talk behind your back, nor think less of you, as I don't see myself as better in any way than you or anyone else (I may take a little while to reply, but I'll be sure to). More and more, we seem to live in a world that has become so greedy, so narcissistic, and so prejudiced, and I'm trying to be the opposite of that. And if I can somehow brighten other people's days by being selfless and compassionate (and all pro bono), then, I'm happy to oblige.
 
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