It's in the middle of the night for me, and I lie here awake. Another one of my many sleepless nights I've endured during this 5 month long comedown. I feel the need to write to get things off my chest, and I don't expect anyone to read to care about what I'm about to write:
I'm 34 years old and I'm the last year of training for my chosen profession. I've been in school or training my whole life. I won't state my profession but you can imagine what kind of professions require an education such as this. I've been to the best schools in the country. I have excelled academically to get to what I felt to be the best profession I can imagine. My career has been my life and my biggest passion. The sacrifices I have made to get here are unparalleled compared to almost anything else I can think of.
It's a cruel fate I that I suffer this never ending comedown now, in my final year. After 30 years of education and the most intense training I messed with the devil my final six months. I was never into drugs, only weed a couple times in my youth. Why I decided to experiment now I do not know. If I'm supposedly so intelligent, then why I did not research the neurotoxic potential of MDMA I cannot answer. Why I suffered this fate after doing it 4 times is horrible luck, but I should have known better. I was doing great until that last time. My father was in town that weekend, and I ditched him to go celebrate with MDMA with my buddies. If only I hung out with my father that night. If only I I didn't drink so heavily the next night. If only if only....
I wouldn't be here today. Forget the anxiety and depression, my cognitive problems are of enough magnitude where I cannot do my job as it stands right now. Once I finish my training in 7 months, I am on my own. But I will never be able to perform like this. My absence of concentration, brain fog, and mental fatigue have reduced me into a fraction of what I was able to do before. And I can say proudly now that it's gone that I was able to do the impossible.
So where to now Zebrafish? If my career is gone then what now? If 30 years of education and training are down the drain then how do I proceed now? After spending my whole life striving to be at the top, and now unable to think, I find myself thinking this all was in vain. Years upon years of studying in vain. 100 hour work weeks in training in vain. All for one night.
If this has all slipped out of my fingers, then I all I can see is death. My job is so cognitively demanding I don't know how I will recover. After 5 months of no improvement, I just see blackness in my future. No more accomplishment no more triumph no more fulfilling my hard earned life long dream.
To come so far and to fall know that the mercy of a few pills is a regret I cannot face. In my opinion it is worthy of suicide. But I have one problem. I have a wife and 2 small children. I don't know how I can consciously abandon them. I love them dearly. I can't bear the effect it have on my children to go through their life fatherless. If I take my life now, then they would truly suffer. I promised my wife a great life when we got married. I was going to give us a great life for us and our kids. I destroyed that promise with one irresponsible weekend. If I decide to live now, then I will spend the next 50 years waking up everyday in overwhelming regret of who I could have been if it weren't for that night in late June.
Every time I close my eyes, I feel so much pain I can't take it. This is a tragedy I never imagined I could experience. I truly feel trapped. The everlasting sleep of death is so comforting to me, I can feel it eternal blanket wrapping around me as I let this struggle, my dreams, and my experience fade away into bliss.
My fate is coming slowly but surely in 7 'months. By some miracle of this universe I need to get better. But I have so much fear I'm not going to make it. My life's work will be gone just when I'm getting ready to spread my wings. I've seen the studies regarding long term cognitive improvement. Bben's damning posts plague my mind like a cancer.
If I make it out of this alive though with my family and career intact, I can say the air I breathe will never have tasted sweeter, the sun will never have shone brighter, and the simple things in life will never have been so satisfying. My compassion for those struggling will never be greater. I really want to help those suffering, for they like me made a mistake somewhere in life, and they like me just want a second chance.
. I was a sarcastic selfish asshole once. This experience has humbled me to a point where I can say I'm a completely different person. I'm not invincible. I am not better than anyone. My mortality is very real.
If I don't recover from this, and whether I choose death or to to continue my life a living ghost, I will still look back at my journey with half a smile. I have had more than my fair share of fun and laughter. I have helped countless people in their most dire times. I have brought many back from the gates of death who can now live to laugh another day
Goodnight my bluelight friends. I love you all. You are all good people.