• MDMA &
    Empathogenic
    Drugs

    Welcome Guest!
  • MDMA Moderators:

MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 7) [ALL LTC posts go here]

howlowhowlstheowl said:
3 years after that one weekend my symptoms persist. Things have improved and stabilized but I'm still in a bad shape. I left this forum because I frankly got tired of the attitudes blaming anxiety or whatever and because it felt useless, and there were some clueless posters. It still feels useless, but because I'm bored I thought I'd share this. I'm in much better shape in the way that I was bedridden and housebound for a few years but now I can go out and function somewhat. But I can't live any kind of normal life any longer. I'm currently seeing a neurologist but so far no diagnosis and I'm wondering if there will ever be.
I'm not sure if I remember all the symptoms I had in the worst period when I was posting, I might miss some.

What has gone:
Anxiety/agitation seems to be gone, or at least on a level that is pretty close to my normal baseline, and it's not visible outside. There is still some kind of slightly amped up feeling. It's not really anxiety, it's more like being hyper or stimulated. Similar to drinking a cup of coffee or an energy drink. It makes my concentration worse, but it doesn't show outwards like it did in the beginning.
Trembling, tremors, shaky voice
Severe nausea. It's very rare that I feel a bit ill on my worst days but it's mostly gone
Sensitivity to sounds is gone
Sensitivity to stimulation overall is mostly gone. Before I had to be in a dark room most of the time. Now I can be out and about in public.

What has improved:
Tinnitus. There is still a white noise type sound but it's less. 50%?
Sensitivity to light. I used to get bad after images but it's not as bad. My eyes are still sensitive though and spending a lot of time on the pc makes it feel like there's a huge pressure building behind my eyes. If I continue it starts to hurt and can take a long time to calm down.
Dizziness. I used to feel so out of it I had to lay down and listen to audiobooks for days in a confused daze. It was a weird time, I hardly knew where one day ended and the next began. I still feel a bit off but it's better.
Pressure behind eyes. It's there, but less. Maybe 50%.
Fatigue. I still get exhausted way more than before but I felt like I was a 100 years old then. It still sucks though.

What is the same:
I can't focus my eyes on one spot. They still keep slightly dancing around the point I'm trying to look at. It's like a REM movement that happens eyes open. This actually belongs probably to the 'improved' category because it might be less. It's just one of the more debilitating symptoms so it still feels horrible. It really makes you feel nutty when your eyes are spinning like that, it's a really distracting thing.
Eletrical buzzing behind my left eye and down my neck and the involuntary body jerks it causes. This is one of the more outwardly visible ones. There is a constant buzzing tingling sensation that builds up and roughly once every second it peaks and causes my head to shake quickly from side to side and and my left arm will fly up from the shoulder, sometimes my fingers flex and my left leg kicks. This only happens on my left side. The right side of my body works fine.
This is dampened by activity like moving and increase at rest. I'm constantly having these involuntary jerks while awake. It's like getting a low volt tazer in the neck constantly.
Vision; In daylight it still looks like I'm looking through a black sheet, but this was and is a very mild thing. I have floaters also, same as in the beginning. The more noticeable issue is how in dark or dim light my vision has a lot of static and twisting forms. Clear surfaces like clear black have the classic grainy hppd static.


I haven't tried to do anaerobic exercise lately. Last time was over a year ago and back then it made me extremely dizzy and out of it and like the ground was shaking. Back then I was in a worse shape though so I might give it a go. I can still do cardio.
Overall everything is still absolutely shit and my life sucks :). I guess it's nice that I can do things like see friends, well at least before the lockdown, and even had a beer a couple of times. I did pay for that with some extra symptoms the next day but oh well. Things like these were totally out of the question for the first 2 years.. I wouldn't have dared to put anything inside me I was in such a horror state of being. Now it's still crappy dysfunctional but not extreme like that.
Click to expand...

I wish things would be better for you, but thanks for coming back and sharing.
 
howlowhowlstheowl said:
3 years after that one weekend my symptoms persist. Things have improved and stabilized but I'm still in a bad shape. I left this forum because I frankly got tired of the attitudes blaming anxiety or whatever and because it felt useless, and there were some clueless posters. It still feels useless, but because I'm bored I thought I'd share this. I'm in much better shape in the way that I was bedridden and housebound for a few years but now I can go out and function somewhat. But I can't live any kind of normal life any longer. I'm currently seeing a neurologist but so far no diagnosis and I'm wondering if there will ever be.
I'm not sure if I remember all the symptoms I had in the worst period when I was posting, I might miss some.

What has gone:
Anxiety/agitation seems to be gone, or at least on a level that is pretty close to my normal baseline, and it's not visible outside. There is still some kind of slightly amped up feeling. It's not really anxiety, it's more like being hyper or stimulated. Similar to drinking a cup of coffee or an energy drink. It makes my concentration worse, but it doesn't show outwards like it did in the beginning.
Trembling, tremors, shaky voice
Severe nausea. It's very rare that I feel a bit ill on my worst days but it's mostly gone
Sensitivity to sounds is gone
Sensitivity to stimulation overall is mostly gone. Before I had to be in a dark room most of the time. Now I can be out and about in public.

What has improved:
Tinnitus. There is still a white noise type sound but it's less. 50%?
Sensitivity to light. I used to get bad after images but it's not as bad. My eyes are still sensitive though and spending a lot of time on the pc makes it feel like there's a huge pressure building behind my eyes. If I continue it starts to hurt and can take a long time to calm down.
Dizziness. I used to feel so out of it I had to lay down and listen to audiobooks for days in a confused daze. It was a weird time, I hardly knew where one day ended and the next began. I still feel a bit off but it's better.
Pressure behind eyes. It's there, but less. Maybe 50%.
Fatigue. I still get exhausted way more than before but I felt like I was a 100 years old then. It still sucks though.

What is the same:
I can't focus my eyes on one spot. They still keep slightly dancing around the point I'm trying to look at. It's like a REM movement that happens eyes open. This actually belongs probably to the 'improved' category because it might be less. It's just one of the more debilitating symptoms so it still feels horrible. It really makes you feel nutty when your eyes are spinning like that, it's a really distracting thing.
Eletrical buzzing behind my left eye and down my neck and the involuntary body jerks it causes. This is one of the more outwardly visible ones. There is a constant buzzing tingling sensation that builds up and roughly once every second it peaks and causes my head to shake quickly from side to side and and my left arm will fly up from the shoulder, sometimes my fingers flex and my left leg kicks. This only happens on my left side. The right side of my body works fine.
This is dampened by activity like moving and increase at rest. I'm constantly having these involuntary jerks while awake. It's like getting a low volt tazer in the neck constantly.
Vision; In daylight it still looks like I'm looking through a black sheet, but this was and is a very mild thing. I have floaters also, same as in the beginning. The more noticeable issue is how in dark or dim light my vision has a lot of static and twisting forms. Clear surfaces like clear black have the classic grainy hppd static.


I haven't tried to do anaerobic exercise lately. Last time was over a year ago and back then it made me extremely dizzy and out of it and like the ground was shaking. Back then I was in a worse shape though so I might give it a go. I can still do cardio.
Overall everything is still absolutely shit and my life sucks :). I guess it's nice that I can do things like see friends, well at least before the lockdown, and even had a beer a couple of times. I did pay for that with some extra symptoms the next day but oh well. Things like these were totally out of the question for the first 2 years.. I wouldn't have dared to put anything inside me I was in such a horror state of being. Now it's still crappy dysfunctional but not extreme like that.
Click to expand...
Hi!
I think I have similar symptoms and I assume mine is from mercury toxicity. Apparently some MDMA is made from aluminium and mercury when saffrole is unavailable.
I have been taking Epsom salt baths (sulphur binds mercury) and I did a cleanse by drinking 5 teaspoons of magnesium sulphate in water. Now I drink 1/2 teaspoon per day. Mercury makes you selenium deficient so I eat about ten Brazil nuts a day. I am eating fresh rosemary which helps with brain fog, as does eating citrus peel. I’m drinking lots of black coffee and vitamin C. Also cutting up 2-3 pieces of fresh garlic and swallowing with water. And cysteine supplement plus as many antioxidants as I can.
Deep NOSE breathing is very helpful. It increases nitric oxide.
Avoid strong chemical smells is your can. I wish you well. You will get through this.
 
westilina said:
Hi!
I think I have similar symptoms and I assume mine is from mercury toxicity. Apparently some MDMA is made from aluminium and mercury when saffrole is unavailable.
I have been taking Epsom salt baths (sulphur binds mercury) and I did a cleanse by drinking 5 teaspoons of magnesium sulphate in water. Now I drink 1/2 teaspoon per day. Mercury makes you selenium deficient so I eat about ten Brazil nuts a day. I am eating fresh rosemary which helps with brain fog, as does eating citrus peel. I’m drinking lots of black coffee and vitamin C. Also cutting up 2-3 pieces of fresh garlic and swallowing with water. And cysteine supplement plus as many antioxidants as I can.
Deep NOSE breathing is very helpful. It increases nitric oxide.
Avoid strong chemical smells is your can. I wish you well. You will get through this.
Click to expand...
What are your symptoms and how long have you been suffering?
 
Macenroe said:
You are smoking pot again?
Howbadwasyour LTC at the start?
Can you ellaborate on your initial symptoms with detail?
Click to expand...

Yes I have been smoking weed for probably 1.5 out of 2.5 years of the LTC. and been smoking for the last year. It's not a perfect cure, as the weed can make my anxiety spike. But fuck it, I like to smoke weed haha

my symptoms were as bad as everybody elses. Catasrophic panic attacks, general anxiety, depression, also a strange sense that I wasn't anxious and wasn't depressed, depersonzalition/derealization, brain fog, extreme learning difficulties, etc. same symptoms you'll see over and over again. Mine were no different so I don't care to elaborate on them. They were shitty and generic for anybody with a panic disorder/severe anxiety disorder.
 
I have an idea that I got while watching motivational videos.

basically, in treating agoraphobia (common symptom of the LTC), victims begin to become afraid of fear itself. They get a panic attack, then sub-consciously they avoid that area from then on. Eventually they are almost unable to leave the house because they have had panic attacks in every possibly place. Once they are trapped in the house and the anxiety continues, it comes even more painful. It becomes like a dull and constant ache, instead of like every other time in life when anxiety was acute and over shortly after it began.

So. in treating the agorophobic victims, it was found that their fear level never goes down. Their bravery goes up.

-so this means -

OK. So many times, I was thinking "i'll be recovered when I don't feel such intense and extreme anxiety and fear". So I would just keep avoiding things and like dipping a toe into a fear or anxiety, then running backwards as soon as the fear got intense. That was a mistake. Jumping into the freezing ice water while nude is the only way to build bravery.

Maybe once we are at this new higher level of fear and anxiety, we are permanently here 0_0 ouch bro, thats a painful idea. i know. but. Maybe we can turn that around and learn to rely on it. if this new level of anxiety and fear is permanent, our two choices are to 1. become dramatically more brave. 2. become crippled by the intense fear. and yeah maybe there is a million choices between those two polarities, but you get the point. You should feel a clear and strong inclination to lean towards bravery! and that is how a journey begins, with a lofty goal and taking small steps in its direction.


I say to you, and to me now, from now on we should not be trying to find the places where fear and anxiety do not come to us. We should be going wherever we like, and should anxiety and fear come to us, we will deal with it as it comes! Bravely!

The number one thing we should be developing, if we don't have it developed already, is a brave mindset! The ability to be un-daunted by anxiety. This means that you will be challenged by anxiety to a far greater degree than you were before, because you won't be consciously or sub-consciously avoiding it. However, I feel it is the only way to move forward.
 
You shouldn't be focusing on symptoms, mine or yours, or all that is wrong.

focus on the new strengths you have now as a result of going through this stuggle. or strenghts you will need to build in order to survive and beat this.
once you identify a strength you need to build, start building it immediately.
 
If there is one thing that gives me hope is that every evening I feel almost fully recovered 95%. So I know I could reach at least that level in the future. If my brain can feel good at night then why everything goes to shit every morning. I am going to do a full hormonal panel test to see any imbalance on cortisol, testosterone , pregnenolone etc...
Maybe I will do a genesight to genetically select the most efficient SSRI related to the way I metabolize each medication.
Seroxat worked for me great in the past but I relapsed once month after I quit.
The second time around seroxat didn’t work :(
I believe there has to be a medication that will work for me if Seroxat worked in the past, I just have to be lucky and found it.
Anybody out there feels shit in the morning and much better almost recovered at night?
 
It's a month since the last use of MDMA also i have adhd used Concerta also stoped that. Its a month without MDMA , cigaretes , 6 months without alchol , 6 days without my adhd meds. I am feeling like zombie , brain fog is killing me , can't focus , having problems with memory , bllury vison . I am feeling like have brain meltdown. I dont what to do can i be normal again and normal life like others. I used MDMA since last year july every second weekend and afterwards one or two time per month til this year April
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Macenroe said:
If there is one thing that gives me hope is that every evening I feel almost fully recovered 95%. So I know I could reach at least that level in the future. If my brain can feel good at night then why everything goes to shit every morning. I am going to do a full hormonal panel test to see any imbalance on cortisol, testosterone , pregnenolone etc...
Maybe I will do a genesight to genetically select the most efficient SSRI related to the way I metabolize each medication.
Seroxat worked for me great in the past but I relapsed once month after I quit.
The second time around seroxat didn’t work :(
I believe there has to be a medication that will work for me if Seroxat worked in the past, I just have to be lucky and found it.
Anybody out there feels shit in the morning and much better almost recovered at night?
Click to expand...
Anybody out there feels shit in the morning and much better almost recovered at night?
 
Berendje said:
Not almost recovered but much better at night
Click to expand...
Are you on a ssri? Which one worked for you in the past? I have a very similar story to yours, I went on seroxat ssri in 2007 and I improved drastically but 8 months later I tapered off the ssri and 1 month after quitting I had a setback and never improved since then. I am trying to find another ssri that works for me.
 
Macenroe said:
Are you on a ssri? Which one worked for you in the past? I have a very similar story to yours, I went on seroxat ssri in 2007 and I improved drastically but 8 months later I tapered off the ssri and 1 month after quitting I had a setback and never improved since then. I am trying to find another ssri that works for me.
Click to expand...
2017 sorry
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top