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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 7) [ALL LTC posts go here]

Does everyone recommend abstaining from marijuana and alcohol while still on a LTC?

The reason I ask is I smoked weed last night and the night before, but my "high" was different than before.

Friday night I was on a date with a girl I've long wanted to date. We had a few beers, and right as we were about to leave she asked if I wanted to smoke. The LTC was pretty much gone, but I thought it wouldn't hurt. She pulled out a J and we smoked almost all of it. I gotta say its a little more than I've done in the past. I immediately got the same high as before, but as it intensified I started feeling "weird" like when my comedown first hit after the festival more than a month ago. She had to leave, I wont share all the details but lets say I was pretty happy with what happened, and after she said her goodbye I started to sort of "follow the rabbit hole". I just sat in my car and I wasn't sure if the music I heard was real or hallucinations, but at the time I assumed I was hallucinating. I also questioned why I smoked seeming as I was back at square 1 of the LTC. I dozed off and woke up two hours later in my car, sober for the most part, drove home and fell asleep.

This puzzled me the entire day Saturday, and I watched videos on YouTube about our existence, Time, space and gravity, etc..

Later that night I was so upset that I couldn't handle weed I decided I would smoke my pen as I did before the LTC, just to see if it was maybe the environment I was in (she was hot and I was nervous af, lol).

I took about three decent hits, and let the high come to me. As it intensified again I started realizing my heartbeat was elevated and started having a panic attack. I calmed myself down, but not before I started having all these weird thoughts about existence, spirituality, reality, and time. It felt as if though everything was just an illusion. Like a very bad dream. I tried to sleep but my mind kept racing, I felt crazy. I google searched "Why am I questioning Reality?" and the first link didn't help, lol. It basically said that my questioning of reality and thoughts indicated a break in reality or "psychosis". this really freaked me the fuck out and I put my head down to try and sleep it off.

TLDR;
- LTC seemed pretty much gone, decided to have some beers and smoke on a date
- My high was not pleasant, felt like I was back at square one of my LTC and questioned everything
- Got high again to see if it was the environment I was in, turned out to not be the case as this time my high was worse and had a panic attack, started questioning reality and who I was
- Have been pondering all of this all day today, I keep thinking I've broken away from reality and have gone bananas

All day today I've had those thoughts popping into my head about existence and reality. About our "purpose" and why everything is the way it is. Almost like this is all not real. It scares the shit out of me. I just want to go back to being that same guy before my bad experience with MDMA (Which I will say is my fault since I was not educated or didn't bother to research the drug).

So back to my question, has anyone had a similar experience with alcohol/weed after abusing/using MDMA and has it gone away? Were you able to drink/smoke weed after some time like normal?

Or would you suggest I'm legitimately experiencing some type of psychosis? My family doesn't have a history of mental health problems, and I don't hallucinate, hear things, and I can do daily tasks with ease. I just have these thoughts popping into my head and I'm very worried.

Thank you,

Rinzzlerr
 
rinzzlerr said:
Does everyone recommend abstaining from marijuana and alcohol while still on a LTC?

The reason I ask is I smoked weed last night and the night before, but my "high" was different than before.

Friday night I was on a date with a girl I've long wanted to date. We had a few beers, and right as we were about to leave she asked if I wanted to smoke. The LTC was pretty much gone, but I thought it wouldn't hurt. She pulled out a J and we smoked almost all of it. I gotta say its a little more than I've done in the past. I immediately got the same high as before, but as it intensified I started feeling "weird" like when my comedown first hit after the festival more than a month ago. She had to leave, I wont share all the details but lets say I was pretty happy with what happened, and after she said her goodbye I started to sort of "follow the rabbit hole". I just sat in my car and I wasn't sure if the music I heard was real or hallucinations, but at the time I assumed I was hallucinating. I also questioned why I smoked seeming as I was back at square 1 of the LTC. I dozed off and woke up two hours later in my car, sober for the most part, drove home and fell asleep.

This puzzled me the entire day Saturday, and I watched videos on YouTube about our existence, Time, space and gravity, etc..

Later that night I was so upset that I couldn't handle weed I decided I would smoke my pen as I did before the LTC, just to see if it was maybe the environment I was in (she was hot and I was nervous af, lol).

I took about three decent hits, and let the high come to me. As it intensified again I started realizing my heartbeat was elevated and started having a panic attack. I calmed myself down, but not before I started having all these weird thoughts about existence, spirituality, reality, and time. It felt as if though everything was just an illusion. Like a very bad dream. I tried to sleep but my mind kept racing, I felt crazy. I google searched "Why am I questioning Reality?" and the first link didn't help, lol. It basically said that my questioning of reality and thoughts indicated a break in reality or "psychosis". this really freaked me the fuck out and I put my head down to try and sleep it off.

TLDR;
- LTC seemed pretty much gone, decided to have some beers and smoke on a date
- My high was not pleasant, felt like I was back at square one of my LTC and questioned everything
- Got high again to see if it was the environment I was in, turned out to not be the case as this time my high was worse and had a panic attack, started questioning reality and who I was
- Have been pondering all of this all day today, I keep thinking I've broken away from reality and have gone bananas

All day today I've had those thoughts popping into my head about existence and reality. About our "purpose" and why everything is the way it is. Almost like this is all not real. It scares the shit out of me. I just want to go back to being that same guy before my bad experience with MDMA (Which I will say is my fault since I was not educated or didn't bother to research the drug).

So back to my question, has anyone had a similar experience with alcohol/weed after abusing/using MDMA and has it gone away? Were you able to drink/smoke weed after some time like normal?

Or would you suggest I'm legitimately experiencing some type of psychosis? My family doesn't have a history of mental health problems, and I don't hallucinate, hear things, and I can do daily tasks with ease. I just have these thoughts popping into my head and I'm very worried.

Thank you,

Rinzzlerr
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You're just a vigilant and smart individual. You know how many people arent aware of themselves at all? Like, they wouldnt even notice what you are noticing. So best advice here, weed has a point of "diminishing returns" If you are a daily smoker, it eventually wont get you high and brings on anxiety. When you reach this point of "diminishing returns" with weed. You either a: stop smoking b: keep smoking, but way less at a time. or C: only smoke socially, while pretty much abstaining all together. Unfortunately, even weed has a dark side.

I think thats all that happened here, and your intelligence ran off into the "why are we here, purpose" type of thought. You are just smart.
 
RInzzlerr - The LTC is an anxiety disorder. But not like a regular "oh, a spider, oh no!" kind of anxiety. nah it's like god-mode, angels vs demons, fate of the cosmos level anxiety disorder. It's next level shit.

Alcohol tends to lower anxiety, even if you are on the LTC. however the day after a heavy alcohol binge will suck really bad.

Weed can sometimes increase anxiety. And if you have a LTC or are recently recovering from one, chances are you will have anxiety when you smoke weed 9 out of 10 times. For the entire year I was smoking on the LTC, like a handful of times I didn't get anxiety. the other 99 mother fucking times I got anxiety and it was terrible. totally kills the high, but it was a bad habit I just couldnt kick, so I just smoked and felt horrible lol.

Fear of paranoia? - anxiety
Fear of reality splitting apart? - anxiety
Thinking you are hallucinating? - anxiety

Pretty much all the issues you are having are because of anxiety.

Weed makes anxiety worse. so stop smoking.

Running sprints lowers anxiety (gives you about a 8-24 hour "spell"). IME running 20 seconds of sprint, 40 seconds rest for 10-20 minutes in the morning was enough to reduce my anxiety and LTC symptoms to almost non-existent.


- The smart advice - quit smoking weed for a long time. Only drink in moderation. And run 10-20 minutes of sprints in the morning. Try 6 months without weed, only drinking moderately, and exercising every morning (sprints, it has to be cardio or sprints for the best effects).

the shitty advice. you can continue to smoke weed, drink in excess, and avoid exercise and eating healthy, you'll just feel a lot shittier in general. It's not going to kill you to avoid doing the good things, it'll just make you miserable.
 
1.5 years since the LTC began. Feeling great.

Just wanted to pop in and say that the LTC creates its own set of problems. So healing isn't just about running from the LTC, it also involves dealing with the fall out of the LTC itself.

I've been working with energy healers and spiritual healers lately and it's doing so much good for me. Find what works for you but if you like the woo woo energy healing and that sort of thing then definitely now is the time to try it out.

I was just doing the physical side of things for a long time, eating well, exercising, reading, going to sleep early, etc. However recently I've incporated spiritual healing, emotional healing, facing shadow demons, facing flaws, self-improvement, community involvement (HUGE), and it is doing so fucking much for me.

It's healing to be a part of a loving community. Try it out, find a tribe and find a place to fit in.

If you try to heal all by yourself in isolation, well it's going to take A LONG MOTHER FUCKING TIME.

We all need community, and even more so when we are suffering so greatly. Find a community that can accept the broken parts of you and then show those parts. Allow other people to love them and show you that it's OK.

---

BTW much as I love you bluelight LTC fellow sufferers, you are not the kind of community that people need.

At the very least we need skype or some kind of connectivity and witnessing beyond text on a page. We need human comfort and acceptance, the kind that comes from interacting with someone in the present moment. Face to face, human to human.

This community is great but it's not enough.

I thought it was enough but that was a mistake of mine. Go out and find a community/friend circle of real people.
 
epic11 said:
You're just a vigilant and smart individual. You know how many people arent aware of themselves at all? Like, they wouldnt even notice what you are noticing. So best advice here, weed has a point of "diminishing returns" If you are a daily smoker, it eventually wont get you high and brings on anxiety. When you reach this point of "diminishing returns" with weed. You either a: stop smoking b: keep smoking, but way less at a time. or C: only smoke socially, while pretty much abstaining all together. Unfortunately, even weed has a dark side.

I think thats all that happened here, and your intelligence ran off into the "why are we here, purpose" type of thought. You are just smart.
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Well your response was not what I was expecting but thank you for the compliment! It seems that I've started to notice everything has a dark side to it. The key would probably be moderation, but that doesn't work in my case since I haven't smoked weed in a month before this instance and I didn't really smoke all that much before the MDMA abuse. I used to just smoke to fall asleep with ease. Perhaps it was a combination of stress from work, nervousness, anxiety, and fear that I've damaged myself from MDMA abuse (which I'm starting to believe is not true).


lionheart90 said:
RInzzlerr - The LTC is an anxiety disorder. But not like a regular "oh, a spider, oh no!" kind of anxiety. nah it's like god-mode, angels vs demons, fate of the cosmos level anxiety disorder. It's next level shit.

Alcohol tends to lower anxiety, even if you are on the LTC. however the day after a heavy alcohol binge will suck really bad.

Weed can sometimes increase anxiety. And if you have a LTC or are recently recovering from one, chances are you will have anxiety when you smoke weed 9 out of 10 times. For the entire year I was smoking on the LTC, like a handful of times I didn't get anxiety. the other 99 mother fucking times I got anxiety and it was terrible. totally kills the high, but it was a bad habit I just couldnt kick, so I just smoked and felt horrible lol.

Fear of paranoia? - anxiety
Fear of reality splitting apart? - anxiety
Thinking you are hallucinating? - anxiety

Pretty much all the issues you are having are because of anxiety.

Weed makes anxiety worse. so stop smoking.

Running sprints lowers anxiety (gives you about a 8-24 hour "spell"). IME running 20 seconds of sprint, 40 seconds rest for 10-20 minutes in the morning was enough to reduce my anxiety and LTC symptoms to almost non-existent.


- The smart advice - quit smoking weed for a long time. Only drink in moderation. And run 10-20 minutes of sprints in the morning. Try 6 months without weed, only drinking moderately, and exercising every morning (sprints, it has to be cardio or sprints for the best effects).

the shitty advice. you can continue to smoke weed, drink in excess, and avoid exercise and eating healthy, you'll just feel a lot shittier in general. It's not going to kill you to avoid doing the good things, it'll just make you miserable.
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I believe you hit the nail on the head. When my comedown first started creeping on, a friend suggested I smoke weed to feel "better" and to fall asleep. It is now that I believe that weed is what triggered my first panic attack along with the side-effects of the MDMA abuse. The weed just made me overthink everything and it went downhill from there. I can't believe you kept smoking with anxiety like that, I wouldn't be able to. I feel like my mind wouldn't be able to handle the overthinking.

Cardio has helped, so for anyone else reading this going through what everyone here is going through, get on a treadmill or do some type of cardio. This has helped me tremendously, as it has also helped Lionheart90.

Safe to say from now on, I'm going to try to live life as healthy as possible, avoiding any psychoactive drugs/drugs in general and keeping alcohol to a minimum.

Also, a +1 to Lionheart90's last post.
 
exactly, zero alcohol and weedu, because if this is the full question of the psyche and eg damage to the axons, the alcohol stops the regrowth of these axons
 
Hi Again all,

I had a doctors visit today and mentioned my head tension, panic attacks when I smoke weed, and this small uncomfortable feeling in my stomach area. He recommends I start on 50mg of Sertraline (Zoloft) everyday before I go to bed. I found out this is an SSRI.

What are your thoughts? I don’t want to rely on antidepressants. I don’t feel depressed, I only feel the head tension and this weird stomach pain from time to time plus slight anxiety. I’m afraid of being actually depressed or suicidal if I take the Zoloft.

Edit:
I forgot to mention the stomach thing last time. It’s a pain in my lower left stomach area, doctor said it could be big intestine. Getting an Ultrasound and blood work done next week. It’s sometimes painful but mostly uncomfortable, I hope it’s not too serious. It’s been here for about 3 weeks but I blew it off not thinking about it. Doc also said he thinks the Zoloft could help with it.
 
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anti-depressants are sometimes very effective for anxiety.

Honestly, it's worth a shot.

I'm willing to bet like 50 or 100 dollars that your stomach issue is anxiety related. When I was younger and I had unexplained stomach issues it was due to excessive and chronic stress. (like the first day of school. massive anxiety, and massive stomach issues)

So yeah try the SSRI for a minute and see if it helps. You have to stick with it for like 2-ish months before your system stabilizes and accepts it. Until that 2 month mark it might be fairly shitty or not very noticable (you might just notice side effects).

Also, pretty much any medication you take will have side effects. The ideal medicine for you will be one that gives you very few side effects. If you notice reduced mental clarity (which SSRI are notorious for) and your anxiety isnt reduced, then definitely call your doctors office during business hours and inform them that you are going to quit the drug. (they will likely just say OK and tell you to taper off. never quit psychotropic medications cold turkey or it might have some intense side effects)

When I finally found a medication that helped me, it didn't affect my mental clarity, helped my anxiety and depression, and it only had 2 side effects, night sweats and weight gain. There was like 50 potential side effects but my body reacted well to the medicine and I only got 2 side effects and both were benign.

so yeah man, give the meds a try. But also remember the sprints, eating healthy, and go see a therapist so you can get some help dealing with your mind too. Chances are the sprints and the therapist will be the most helpful (they are helpful for anybody, but very helpful for LTC sufferers)


BTW you won't have to be on anti-depressants forever. 3-6 months should be enough to get your anxiety to calm down.

Meds give your body a chance to reset itself. Once it resets itself (which is accomplished by experiencing a sustained period free from the anxiety/depression) then you can drop the medication.

many people never drop the medication because they don't do the work. They just take the pill and expect it to solve all their problems. they dont realize that the pill is just an aid, it's not meant to fight your battles for you and it's not meant to help you escape from your problems. It's there to give you some breathing room and space to think so you can deal with your problems without being overwhelmed.
 
What therapy does you guys recommends for LTC sufferers? Does anybody has some experience with psychodynamic approach which I'm considering?
 
Adam44155 said:
Does anyone on here have Ectopic beats caused by there anxiety?
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I think I know what you're talking about. I would get a weird feeling in my chest while on the treadmill. It would only happen during exercise though. It was as if my heart would skip a beat or beat out of rhythm for a split second. It's very subtle and it stings a tiny bit but it ONLY happens during exercise. Some days it happens more often than not, however, so I believe it may just be due to exercise.

I am going to stop coming on here for a little while, I've started the anti-depressant, I've incorporated exercise into my daily routine, I'm cutting back on sugars, caffeine, and alcohol, and I will begin meditation. I come on here every f*cking day trying to justify something and hoping I find an answer to my problems when I know there is none. As some of you have said before, the constant research of our symptoms is a viscous cycle keeping them alive. When I recover I will come back here to report on my recovery and hopefully give some tips, but I think all the advice has already been given here, time seems to be the best healer. Good luck to anyone reading this going through the shit, and remember to fully believe that recovery is possible and you WILL achieve it. If a lot of these symptoms are psychosomatic, then use that same power to believe that you are 100% normal.
 
rinzzlerr said:
I think I know what you're talking about. I would get a weird feeling in my chest while on the treadmill. It would only happen during exercise though. It was as if my heart would skip a beat or beat out of rhythm for a split second. It's very subtle and it stings a tiny bit but it ONLY happens during exercise. Some days it happens more often than not, however, so I believe it may just be due to exercise.

I am going to stop coming on here for a little while, I've started the anti-depressant, I've incorporated exercise into my daily routine, I'm cutting back on sugars, caffeine, and alcohol, and I will begin meditation. I come on here every f*cking day trying to justify something and hoping I find an answer to my problems when I know there is none. As some of you have said before, the constant research of our symptoms is a viscous cycle keeping them alive. When I recover I will come back here to report on my recovery and hopefully give some tips, but I think all the advice has already been given here, time seems to be the best healer. Good luck to anyone reading this going through the shit, and remember to fully believe that recovery is possible and you WILL achieve it. If a lot of these symptoms are psychosomatic, then use that same power to believe that you are 100% normal.
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Hey truly wishing you all the best man. Thank you from all of us I'm sure for coming here and contributing so openly and honestly.

Lots of wise words. But I credit you for your concerted attempt to put a positive twinge on it. Hope! There is always hope. Time heals. We grow, change, adapt, accept....

But yes absolutely, believing is very helpful to speed up the process and loosen some of those shackles which are of course linked to fear and keep us in a timid sheltering state.

I myself really really must start putting all of my focus every day into a more positive mindset.

I dont class myself as having LTC, although maybe I do still qualify after so many years, but my own case is simply longterm illness. If I have LTC, it is far less significant than my daily allergy and infecfion issues to name a few lol.

So best of luck man. Just keep that spotlight high up there, on the brightest place.
Believe, keep believing. One day at a time, no pressure, no expectation. No fear.

And massively too- being thankful. So much we have to be grateful for. Mindfulness here can actually help significantly to create happiness and dispel negative thinking.
It will certainly please me to hear you share any sort of positive progress from you in future but anything you ever wish to share here would be well received and supported I'm sure should you feel the wish.


Edit. I should have added, and perhaps also made clearer generally- I do have an incredibly severe case of anxiety, which has come about through the more recent years of illness related trauma and a very intense mind and imagination.

I am unable to take any medicines for it, I cant even take the most basic vitamin pill without a great deal of physical suffering which makes it unworthwhile on any level.

Likewise my diet is incredibly restricted and I'm unable to supplement my body with natural foods remedies and herbs which would support and improve my mental state.

I just wanted to make that clearer anyway not looking for sympathy lol Just Clarifying my own picture in relation to this thread and the topic at hand and the preaching I do while I fail miserably to practice in my own life.
 
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Coming again to confirm that my symptoms are still gone. The difference between other relapses is that... I'm consuming caffeine, sugar and trans fats without big consequences. Anyway... my memory is getting almost the same? That was the symptom that was bothering me the most. So... how I feel today? Full of good mood, very hungry for information and learning new stuff, my ambition is pretty high.

Looking back at my symptoms I was suffering from anhedonia too, but failing to recognize it. Now I'm excited to travel or try new things, be with certain people... and once again learning.

That's not all, ironically I'm seeing my LTC actually having its own good sides. Like my concentration is BETTER than before, looks like I was trying to catch up while in LTC and now when I'm not bottlenecked, I'm experiencing the benefits. The other thing is... I appreciate my cognition to a whole new level. I want to LEARN so bad! I enjoy reading about all kind of stuff and practice them after.

Maybe after all I didn't have much control over my recovery, my brain took its time to restructure and figure out the reality? Can't tell.
 
ZeroLuck said:
Coming again to confirm that my symptoms are still gone. The difference between other relapses is that... I'm consuming caffeine, sugar and trans fats without big consequences. Anyway... my memory is getting almost the same? That was the symptom that was bothering me the most. So... how I feel today? Full of good mood, very hungry for information and learning new stuff, my ambition is pretty high.

Looking back at my symptoms I was suffering from anhedonia too, but failing to recognize it. Now I'm excited to travel or try new things, be with certain people... and once again learning.

That's not all, ironically I'm seeing my LTC actually having its own good sides. Like my concentration is BETTER than before, looks like I was trying to catch up while in LTC and now when I'm not bottlenecked, I'm experiencing the benefits. The other thing is... I appreciate my cognition to a whole new level. I want to LEARN so bad! I enjoy reading about all kind of stuff and practice them after.

Maybe after all I didn't have much control over my recovery, my brain took its time to restructure and figure out the reality? Can't tell.
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Thats really encouraging to hear mate.
And off of the top of my head you've just given me another crazy thought loop spin which was already in there somewhere.

The way you put and describe your experience here almost makes it sound like you have basically adapted to a different way of being and a transformed way of living and seeing things.

I would like to suggest that MDMA can alter us in ways that we find difficult to adapt to and therefore stressful. Alteration could be seen as an alternative word for damage and substituted in some situations for argument's sake and I have often used the term alteration myself in reference to my own experience and the effects MDMA had on me.

(And as I'm sure you have all noticed I have been very accepting of my MDMA use and it's consequences and maybe this is why I do not think about my condition in relation to it, nor feel the need to diagnose myself with LTC.)

...As in to say that with the bad there possibly comes some good if you can learn to harness it and live with it.

Just another little angle anyway. So glad to hear of your progress.

Maybe time to change your username now to....BetterLuck? Lol, take care mate, look forward to more updates.
 
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That's good to hear Zero. It has been a long and very difficult journey for you and I've probably known you at least 9 months now or something crazy long like that haha. heck, maybe even longer!

and I'm glad you see the silver lining to this experience too. It's like God gave us boot camp because God really wanted something good for us but we were fucking it over and God didn't like that. haha.

I honestly hate where I'm at right now. I was in a bad position when I started to use drugs. Now I am sober and even in a worse position. Well maybe not entirely sober, but I have regained an inner center of gravity that I feel like has been lost for a long time.

so I have this fresh start, and I'm almost back where I started, full circle. But where I left off the circle was FUCKING TERRIBLE and now I'm feeling a great mix of feelings. Guess thats a blessing in disguise too. At least I can feel again, the invincible armor has been taken off. It was wearing that terribly heavy armor that we suffered so much!

I think I've always known the shit storm I was in. That was why I wanted drugs, to escape from the shit show!

It's like I've learned that i have to be here, at least temporarily, at this shitty rock bottom for some cosmic reason. This painful lucidity has the seeds of something greater within it! drugs could never give me what I want, lasting peace, because they are so temporary.
 
rinzzlerr said:
I think I know what you're talking about. I would get a weird feeling in my chest while on the treadmill. It would only happen during exercise though. It was as if my heart would skip a beat or beat out of rhythm for a split second. It's very subtle and it stings a tiny bit but it ONLY happens during exercise. Some days it happens more often than not, however, so I believe it may just be due to exercise.

I am going to stop coming on here for a little while, I've started the anti-depressant, I've incorporated exercise into my daily routine, I'm cutting back on sugars, caffeine, and alcohol, and I will begin meditation. I come on here every f*cking day trying to justify something and hoping I find an answer to my problems when I know there is none. As some of you have said before, the constant research of our symptoms is a viscous cycle keeping them alive. When I recover I will come back here to report on my recovery and hopefully give some tips, but I think all the advice has already been given here, time seems to be the best healer. Good luck to anyone reading this going through the shit, and remember to fully believe that recovery is possible and you WILL achieve it. If a lot of these symptoms are psychosomatic, then use that same power to believe that you are 100% normal.
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I have them every single day there horrible and I'm on antidepressants it's the worse thing you can do I tried coming off them but couldn't my anxiety was worse than when my ltc first started after 4 days I went back on them because I couldn't eat or sleep it was like having a constant panic attacks that lasts all day antidepressants mess with serotonin receptors like mdma does best to just let Ur brain heal naturally I wish I knew this before I feel worse on them than before I started taking them
 
Update:
So... its been two years since my mistake and thing are definitely better compared how things were in the beginning. However, I am far from recovered... Symptoms that I still struggling with is insomnia, executive tasks (multitasking, explaining/understanding complex topics), slowed processing speed, moderate anxiety and depression.

I am living through it the best way that I can. The constant of suicide are not as prevalent as before, but it still feel like I am living in some type of alternate reality.

So here is to many more YEARS of recovery!!
 
I don't know... About the many years of recovery. Like if you see my posts at year mark 2 I was having bad brain fog, depression and anxiety. And 6 months later I have no symptoms, but random anxiety head sensation sometimes in the mornings. So recovery seems inconsistent and illogical sometimes. I just assume the brain is trying to adjust badly, but just before it's ready maybe the biggest challenges are ahead.

Analogy would be if you're running and just before the finish it's the most hard and painful.

I know it's silly suggestion, but possible one. Especially that I lost hope after 2 years and then bam, symptoms start vanishing...
 
ZeroLuck said:
I don't know... About the many years of recovery. Like if you see my posts at year mark 2 I was having bad brain fog, depression and anxiety. And 6 months later I have no symptoms, but random anxiety head sensation sometimes in the mornings. So recovery seems inconsistent and illogical sometimes. I just assume the brain is trying to adjust badly, but just before it's ready maybe the biggest challenges are ahead.

Analogy would be if you're running and just before the finish it's the most hard and painful.

I know it's silly suggestion, but possible one. Especially that I lost hope after 2 years and then bam, symptoms start vanishing...
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Hey good analogy. I love universal pronciples. Healing- it hurts. By nature. It's pure physics, of the mind too, figuratively speaking. We just can't escape those laws and effects in this physical plain. We are here to endure, unfortunately hehe.

Whatever ailment it is, physical, mental, when it comes to injury, and hence a need to heal, it is by nature and the law of physics that it will be painful when this healing gets underway.

Often when you are getting better, you feel worse. And it comes in waves and stages, according to your condition, ability to handle the healing and general constitution. Like climbing a mountain, making progress, setting up camp, resting and preparing for the next peak which you know is going to hit hard but you can only take on when you are fully ready.

Not an exact analogy at all because completely different matters but I hope you can see what I'm getting at.

I observe this exact phenomena with physical symptoms and healing constantly in my life.
Okay Im too stoned again to make any sense, just wanted to add that.

It's still really refreshing man to hear you sounding so positive at last well done you deserve it and hopefully you will be able to reflect back in time and accept every single thing which has happened and appreciate the journey you have been on and how it has surely benefited your personality and spiritual development and self awareness in ways which maybe you will come to appreciate and value more in time.
 
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So i'm back to report on the week.

I stopped the anti-depressant after four days since I developed a rash and to be honest I don't want to take it. I don't feel comfortable. I want to let my body naturally heal, this temporary suffering was caused by drugs and I don't think more drugs are the answer. If it takes longer than normal so be it, I will learn to work with and deal with the suffering, whatever doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.

Although, I do believe most of my symptoms are psychosomatic or stress induced at this point. So I will be practicing what I've always lacked in my lifetime, patience. As Lionheart said, I think the Universe or some higher power knew I needed to be put in this bad situation, to learn something and grow. Before taking the MDMA I had low self-esteem, I was gaining weight, and I lacked the qualities needed to be successful in life, and the worst part was I was aware of these things, but didn't take action to improve them. The LTC sort of pushed me to take action so-to-speak, and now I don't think I can ever go back to being that low-confidence, overweight, pessimistic person anymore. I don't take my family and my health for granted as I used to. I see everything for what it is, I'm grateful to wake up healthy and for feeling a little better everyday.

@ZeroLuck, I'm glad to hear you've vastly improved and recovered. I hope you stay in good health.

@AutoTripper thank you for your kind words. You seem like a very smart individual. I also hope that you go into good health, your words of encouragement on this forum really help a lot of people.

lionheart90 said:
I honestly hate where I'm at right now. I was in a bad position when I started to use drugs. Now I am sober and even in a worse position. Well maybe not entirely sober, but I have regained an inner center of gravity that I feel like has been lost for a long time.
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I thought you were doing better, are you still experiencing symptoms?

I don't know what situation you're in, perhaps I would understand, perhaps not. Thank you for sharing that you're not in a good place however, that's always the hardest thing to do. Whatever it is that you have going on, remember that your perspective shapes your reality. What you go looking for, you will find. You have given me some great advice and tips, so thank you for helping me out when I really needed it. I'm doing much better because of a lot of people on this forum. Seeing that I'm not alone is enough to keep me pushing.
 
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