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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 7) [ALL LTC posts go here]

I've been reading some of the recent posts on here and noticed there are not enough recovered LTC people posting anymore.

I'm nearly 2 years into mine and I implore you not to try anything stupid or outlandish such as microdosing LSD, tryptamines etc. Do NOT try these things because you risk setting yourself back for very minor gains. I can tell you from experience (and you'd be able to find out for yourself from the older threads if they hadn't been deleted smh) that the biggest factor is TIME. You will get better! A healthy lifestyle, perseverance and mindfulness is about all you can do unfortunately, other than supplements/vitamins such as ashwagandha (which helped me a tonne). If the old threads were still around you'd be able to go back and notice that barely anybody sticks around on this site for longer than a couple years.... that's because they get better, forget about their LTC and stop posting here.

The brain is remarkably plastic and whatever is causing the LTC (axon dysregulation? Inflammation? Who knows) the body has a way of reverting back to baseline. I'm nearly two years in and still have bad days but I can feel the life coming back into me week by week, I barely even think about it anymore. Just over a year ago I was anhedonic, full of anxiety and had such an incredibly bleak outlook... but I'm getting better and you need to know that you will to: with time.

So please please don't do anything that might slow down your progress, I understand how hard it is and how desperate you can get but remember that you will be okay.

p.s. not sure the floaters ever disappear though lol
 
Ok the floaters thing has always bothered me and made me think anxiety... Almost everybody has floaters in their eyes, most normal people I’ve asked do at least. I’ve had them all my life. I don’t notice them unless I actively think/look for them.

I sometimes wonder if this is some anxious hyper awareness because of this symptom seeming to be such an issue. Truly how bad are these floaters that they are even worth mentioning?

-GC
 
Benjaha said:
p.s. not sure the floaters ever disappear though lol
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Interesting point. I developed a permanent minor visual impairment when I was 16, still fresh to ecstasy and lsd. Not more than 30 pills maybe taken by then.

One weekend at a Friday night "United Dance" party in 1996, I took 6 Californian Sunrisers. Pretty shit pills really, I/we all knew at the time (quality had shot down that year), and confirmed later in retrospective comparison.

But they were a little trippy, in a non-MDMA/MDA manner. Speckled pills. We all agreed there was sonething else in there as well as low dose MDMA.

The following night, a friend and I took 2 Sunrisers each, followed later by 2 weak Lsd microdots. I had a strange reaction and a bad trip with prolongued physical effects, maybe similar to brain zaps but intense and frightening.

I remember it kept happening in school on the Monday. I was a total mess mentally. I was severely depressed. I was no longer the same person. I didnt feel like I could even begin to talk to anybody at school like my friends or any of the other pupils about what I had done and how I was feeling like it was really traumatic and horrifying and frightening.

Some damage had clearly been done. But the point is- from that day onwards and ever since I have had this little visual impairment which shows up much more clearly in sunlight and bright weather which is like little squiggles and scratches on a lens surface or like ripples on a water surface.

The annoying thing is it is slightly off centre of my Focus so whenever I have tried to examine it more clearly it always moves towards the blind spot of my vision but I can kind of see it and it does move around and have a little bit of life when the sunlight raises my serotonin levels.

And to be honest I never actually give it any thought until I suddenly notice it on a sunny day which is quite rare for me these days.

I only took 8 very weak MDMA pills which we believed were impure with some type of trippy substance, which wasn't especially strong in itself, and 2 weak lsd microdots.

Over 2 nights. I accurately estimate- 70ug Lsd, and maybe 320 mg MDMA total.

I took thousands of pills by 9 years later. Many many times I took far greater amounts of those 2 drugs, together in one night, of much higher quality, potency, dose.

For a weekend sess, that was nothing in comparison.
Like for example, one typical night in 2004- 10 Playstation pills (strong, clean 120 mg upwards), and 3 acid tabs.

So <1.2 grams MDMA and over 100ug acid. NO SUCH bad reaction at all. Just a magical, waning afterglow and easy comedown.

That is just an example I fished out the Hat there are trillions others where I took huge quantities of both drugs together with much higher doses of acid as well and other substances without suffering this horrible reaction I did when I was 16 years old to such a small amount of lower quality drugs.

I'm not exactly sure what my point is here I'm just sharing this experience because I think there must be something to learn from this. I think I must have suffered some type of serotonin syndrome somehow.

However I did not use cannabis for the first time until I was 17 years old so for the first year I was taking ecstasy and LSD it was without cannabis use.

I know that cannabis is remarkably protective from MDMA's neurotoxic effects, and I have always used cannabis with MDMA since age 17.

Regardless I always put this incident down to some sort of freak reaction which didn't make sense and match up with my later experiences but I also considered that a cross reaction between some impure substance could also have been case perhaps it was low dose DXM which makes sense and from what I have read that DXM taken at certain stages in combination with MDMA can lead to a much greater level of harm to the serotonin system.

In my later drug taking years in 2003 uneducated I did drink bottles of robitussin cough mixture in combination with MDMA and on reflection I do believe that this had a big negative impact on my serotonin system and general health, wellbeing and mentality.


TDLR- I still have those floaters from that 16 year old experience. But 3000 plus (better) e's later, and I never developed any more on top which is interesting.

And I definitely never experienced any such permanent lasting harmful side effects from such a small amount of psychoactive substances after that unfortunate experience.
 
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@Benjaha
If the old threads were still around you'd be able to go back and notice that barely anybody sticks around on this site for longer than a couple years.... that's because they get better, forget about their LTC and stop posting here.
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In my case, I don't think I'm really getting better, I rarely write here because for me there is nothing to discuss anymore, I don't think it is useful for anybody to read how bad I feel every day, and for me there is no point in writing that too, so I'm just lurking from time to time. I would definitely inform all of you guys, if I would feel significantly better.

Nevertheless, don't lose hope, as there are people who recover from this condition eventually, I just don't think I'm one of them.
 
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sick_guy said:
@Benjaha


In my case, I don't think I'm really getting better, I rarely write here because for me there is nothing to discuss anymore, I don't think it is useful for anybody to read how bad I feel every day, and for me there is no point in writing that too, so I'm just lurking from time to time. I would definitely inform all of you guys, if I would feel significantly better.

Nevertheless, don't lose hope, as there are people who recover from this condition eventually, I just don't think I'm one of them.
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and you took a lot of mdma?
 
sick_guy said:
@Benjaha


In my case, I don't think I'm really getting better, I rarely write here because for me there is nothing to discuss anymore, I don't think it is useful for anybody to read how bad I feel every day, and for me there is no point in writing that too, so I'm just lurking from time to time. I would definitely inform all of you guys, if I would feel significantly better.

Nevertheless, don't lose hope, as there are people who recover from this condition eventually, I just don't think I'm one of them.
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How long ago did your LTC start?
Do you honestly mean to tell me things haven't gotten better for you since the start? I find that hard to believe :O
 
Yes it genuinely staggers me to think people are reporting this after a SINGLE dose? And a moderate amount honestly, not like the enormous deal which the community make over such usage amounts these days.

I really dont mean to be insensitive or disbelieving. I just cant get my head around it. I think we are using the wrong terms here, wrong concepts.

There must be some type of subconscious trauma or emotional blockage which is stirred up in the psyche by MDMA experiences, but not dealt with/cleared.

Or some sort of psychosis/neurosis state is "activated" or "stepped into".

What is very apparent and most concerning to me is the mindset of the sufferers. Like they are totally helpless, passive, hopeless.

So full of regret.
So far from accepting circumstances. Convinced by themselves of the prognosis, desperate to get better but fearing they never will.

Im just getting my thoughts out to help myself with this. I really want to try and help all of you guys honestly and I feel like we need to put our heads together and really think outside the box on this one.

I totally hammered my brain to pieces. Then I had to stop all drug taking due to long-term illness. I totally damaged my brain many times with MDMA and I'm sure I have had a very valid long-term comedown but I have never obsessively worried about it or saw it as anything to cure or hope to recover from I just accepted life as it comes and take each day at a time.

No use in worrying about what you can't change sometimes. And the whole point is that with this specific type of problem by changing what and how you think you can actually bring about positive and substantial change.

Not sure what else to say on it. I am certainly inclined to consider the line of thought contributed here by @Miki12 regarding the involvement of the psyche.
 
ZeroLuck said:
I've just mentioned that my symptoms are only cognitive and they're indentical from symtoms caused of a lot of stress, anxiety and or depression.

So maybe mdma just gave me ptsd from worrying too much, causing no direct permanent harm.

Also with healthy lifestyle you can have normal and barrable life with its ups and downs as everyone else out there!
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Hey mate really hope you are coping well currently. I just wanted to quote your 1st page post here for others in reference to what Im saying very badly above.

I like your line of thinking and applaud you for being prepared to consider this avenue.
To navigate oneself out of a fear/stress/trauma state, it is vital to believe first of all that it is possible, and within one's own control crucially.

Without that and in fact the opposite frame of mind the condition would remain a self-perpetuating cycle.
 
AutoTripper

I'm kinda self-aware of chances of of potential harm, I wish I could completely rule-out substance induced damage, but... I can't explain why my memory was the worst at the beginning of the usage. Any other type of anxiety induced by substance should build up a little before manifest at full force... by beginning I mean the first week, before I knew what LTC even means, or if it's from the MDMA.
 
I would like to tell everyone here that MDMA is being tested in therapy for post-traumatic stress disorder treatment, the latest 2011 study showed very low toxic toxicity of this substance up to 5 times a year and doses not exceeding 250 mg are relatively safe, 90 % of cases here in the forum is just a psyche and not mechanical physical damage: p besides the brain is very neuroplastic, it really can be a lot of fixes :)
 
AutoTripper said:
Hey mate really hope you are coping well currently. I just wanted to quote your 1st page post here for others in reference to what Im saying very badly above.

I like your line of thinking and applaud you for being prepared to consider this avenue.
To navigate oneself out of a fear/stress/trauma state, it is vital to believe first of all that it is possible, and within one's own control crucially.

Without that and in fact the opposite frame of mind the condition would remain a self-perpetuating cycle.
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I wholeheartedly agree with this, the biggest difference came for me when I started to believe I could get better and spent less time ruminating about what I could've done differently or if I was going to stuck like that forever.

Also @Miki12 has a strong point, these are some of the first rigorous trials and would not have passed if there was any sort of neurotoxicity. My LTC came from just 4-5 doses over the course of 2 months, not enough to cause neurotoxicity but still enough to cause an LTC? Its all psychological, on the last time I took it I had a very bad time and I think that may have also contributed to it. Perhaps its the strong reinforcement of negative pathways and 5-HT receptor down-regulation - two things that can be fixed over time due to the brains remarkable plasticity. Thoughts?
 
Benjaha said:
I wholeheartedly agree with this, the biggest difference came for me when I started to believe I could get better and spent less time ruminating about what I could've done differently or if I was going to stuck like that forever.
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Hello and thanks for sharing. That sounds encouraging that you feel you have been able to take a backward step, take a breather, and have a look at the "shackles" from a different angle to see the bigger picture.

And that term is right at the heart of this I believe- SHACKLES. Albeit, psychological, emotional, congnitive, fear-based conditioning.

The feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and regret which the sufferer is unable to detach from and view objectively, continue to perpetuate the cycle.

Without belief and a way to step back, breathe, and essentially- relax about life and the future.

Positive affirmations are vital I feel in many cases. It is largely the belief system which needs to be turned around. It seems many sufferers have strong fears and beliefs that they are trapped and stuck.

This all plays directly into the condition and mindset.

@ZeroLuck hey dude thanks for your thoughts.
Okay just one thought but my brain is so shit right now due to illness and sleep dep, so my thoughts are very rough-edged and loose.

Regarding your experience of poor memory the following week, and how you have struggled not to interpret this as a sign of actual damage occurring:

How can I put this? I dont think that logic would be incorrect. To split it up- heavy MDMA usage (like 0.3 upwards for arguments sake) will have short term acute effects, such as memory, anxiety, fatigue, concentration, depression etc.

These are just standard side effects from the drug experience and should always be present to a certain degree afterwards as you adjust back to normal over coming weeks.

So I really don't think you have to take this as a sign of permanent damage which is the root cause of your current condition and experience.
And this could serve as another example of a belief, where if in the back of your mind you have believed for sometime that permanent damage has been done as a result of these initial symptoms following you experience.....

Then well, that belief was already setting the stage and conjuring fear and illusiion in your mind/psyche.

In that you were entering a fearful and traumatic state very soon after your experience was forming in your mallible and impressionable psyche.

So the point I'm trying to make is that just because you experienced a decline in memory function and increased anxiety after your experience, this does not have to mean that permanent or actual damage was done these are just side effects of this and many other experiences.

Even if it is the case that permanent harm has been done by holding this belief in your mind, you will be remaining convinced that your situation is more helpless than it is and this will keep you in depression and negativity.

As always, I am only thinking openly. I genuinely do not mean to patronise or question anybody reporting there experience here I only wish to help and I truly believe that mindset, emotions, belief systems, general cognition, has much more to do with this than many sufferers are considering.

We need to learn how to better change our minds and views of the world and our lives, as a race and as individuals. To brong about radically different mindsets.

Why can it not be more like changing the TV channel? By realising and seizing that power for the first time, opening up new doorways. Belief is of course VITAL, and is apparently heavily lacking amongst sufferers.

So it is like they are watching one shitty channel on TV, not enjoying it, but unaware of the remote control and how it is actually possible for them to change the channel.

But it is also possible to carry on watching a channel not believing there is anything else or that it is possible to change and just being resigned to it because they feel there is no other choice or option.
 
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Benjaha said:
I wholeheartedly agree with this, the biggest difference came for me when I started to believe I could get better and spent less time ruminating about what I could've done differently or if I was going to stuck like that forever.

Also @Miki12 has a strong point, these are some of the first rigorous trials and would not have passed if there was any sort of neurotoxicity. My LTC came from just 4-5 doses over the course of 2 months, not enough to cause neurotoxicity but still enough to cause an LTC? Its all psychological, on the last time I took it I had a very bad time and I think that may have also contributed to it. Perhaps its the strong reinforcement of negative pathways and 5-HT receptor down-regulation - two things that can be fixed over time due to the brains remarkable plasticity. Thoughts?
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Hey, I came back to read your post and question again as I was too rough and foggy earlier (now Im just high as heck stoned not sure what's better haha, but I'm at least happier).

Im glad you have asked this exact question, or put the thought out. I have been considering this as a legitimate possibility.

Why should MDMA not work similarly to a Acid, like entering a Maze to navigate (the Maze being the psyche).

I have huge past Lsd experience along with my MDMA abuse, from age 16. Without question, it is possible to have an Lsd experience which doesnt maybe leave you quite right. The person may be deterred from taking the drug again, when maybe the set/setting/psyche weren't right or matched up at the time.

Many times I have felt great benefit and resolution from tripping again when maybe the last times things in general weren't right.
Okay I realise Im too vaped to make sense. With acid, even after a very bad trip, tripping again can be the perfect (sometimee maybe necessary) remedy.

Like reentering the maze, the source of the problem/condition, in a better setting, better prepared, in a better mindset and importantly with a better understanding and with different intentions in mind.

So to my next outlandish proposal and I hope this is not seen as distasteful or disregarding to the dangers. But I wonder if proper MDMA therapy such as is received in a clinical setting for pstd for example and other long-term traumatic mental States, administered and monitored by a therapist.....

I am just wondering if this may help some people to overcome their LTC? I mean very responsibly, guided and only for those totally comfortable to give it a go.

I can't clearly express my original point in relation to what you were suggesting. But I hope you know what I mean, I get what you are suggesting and think it is worth examining, especially wrt to potential of assisted MDMA therapy itself to help.

We may hear of some experiences here in the following years as the momentum continues to build for the value of psychedellics in mental health treatment, and demand for research increases heavily.




I just thought to add how Im sure I fully overcame this type of conditioning with both Lsd and MDMA with frequent and relaxed use over time as I developed as a person.

So that I didnt need to trip or roll to reset, or reverese, undo anything in my psyche.

I could take it or leave it. Enjoy it equally every time, freely. No fear. No regrets. Really down to mental conditiong and the psyche I belive.
 
Okay I just wanted to quote this old post I'm just reading in a seemingly revived thread.

How uncanny, it is touching on the exact point I was making above:

yar0nin said:
lemme give you some back story to the situation. i started rolling in 2010. i rolled for appx 6 months, took about 30 to maybe 50 pills in total. spaced it at 2 weeks at a time, towards the end of my binge i would not feel the euphoric high just the body high (kinda tweaked out feeling). suffered all the problems afterwards deppresion, panic attacks, social anxiety, short/ long term memory problems, depersonalization, mind fogs, fatigue, pretty much went through hell. smoked weed a couple times after but it amplified my anxiey so much. ive been completely clean since dec 2010 except for a couple time that i tried to reverse the effects by rolling again. yeah sounds stupid but i thought i had ptsd and taking mdma in a controlled environment would help me get through it.
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Here is a thread link if you guys wanna read more, Im heading back there now just wanted to share this.

abused mdma. need some answers pls

hi first of all lemme say thank you for taking the time to read this. lemme give you some back story to the situation. i started rolling in 2010. i rolled for appx 6 months, took about 30 to maybe 50 pills in total. spaced it at 2 weeks at a time, towards the end of my binge i would not feel...
www.bluelight.org www.bluelight.org
 
AutoTripper

Yeah bro, your positivity is pretty awesome. I understand that MDMA is messing the chemistry in your brain short-term, however my memory was wrekt. Like I was confused where I'm sort of memory issue the following week. Been googling to find more cases of such prominent effects after mdma use, but failed to find any.

So that's a thing bothering me, also I took 0.6g ;( and next week another 0.18g.

The other thing is the multiple researches finding that MDMA is indeed impairing memory.


If I manage to explain those 2 concerns I feel like I can just say "screw it, nothing bad has been done to my brain".
 
This is an interesting thread. Never even heard the term Longterm come down till now. I agree that most likely mdma cuts are more to blame than MDMA itself, like M1.

I’d be curious to see how many people reporting LTC are truly sober. A theme I’m seeing is a lot of people are heavy weed Smokers. I loved marijuana for a long time but I reached a point where it was unhealthy for my mental health and I had to call it quits for good. Marijuana caused me more depression and anxiety in the end than any amphetamine or opiate ever did.

As much as I’m caught in addiction right now, I truly believe that we are in control of how we view the world. Regardless of brain chemistry and brain damage, it all comes down to mindfulness and awareness. Right now my mindfulness is shit and im not in a good place. But I still believe we can change the way we view the world - happiness comes from within not from external factors.

For those who are deeply down, thinking there is no hope. There is hope, but a self fufilling prophecy that MDMA is the reason you think life sucks is just an excuse. Trust me I’m not trying to be an asshole here, because I’ve used plenty of reasons why my life sucks. But regardless of circumstance, we are in control of how we decide to perceive life.
 
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I'm completely sober, I don't like weed... I don't like alcohol. Actually the reason to try MDMA was to experience something new, aw yeah btw my ltc is from first use.
 
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