MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 7) [ALL LTC posts go here]

[PoKer_F@ce]

Hello, after reading the 126 pages I think it's finally time to tell my story... First of all, I'm Brazilian and my English is terrible, I'm using Google Translate, I want to make it clear that I've been a drug addict since I was 15, I've always been introverted and socially awkward, and I'm currently going through a gender transition (28 years old) (what does this have to do with LTC?) All with the breakdown of that night. I tried MDMA for the first time during the pandemic, until then I had only smoked marijuana (daily) and derivatives (hashish, skunk) cigarettes, I used it a few times in the past and rarely drank. But... when I tried MDMA for the first time, things reached a new level, just to make it clear before anything else that here in Brazil, drug test kits are only for people with high purchasing power, here the majority of the population is poor or middle class and struggles to pay for daily expenses and decent food and studies, we get drugs either from some drug dealer who gives us contact or we go up to some dangerous favela with evil drug dealers who surround or cut people into pieces and are heavily armed to get drugs, we never really know what we are ingesting... That said, the first time I used MDMA, it was with my partner, it was an unbelievable experience, it was a Heineken 250mg, this drug is better than sex, it was the greatest euphoria I have ever felt in my life and absolutely nothing I do in life can come close to that feeling, so from then on I used it when I had the drug, I was really available, because sometimes we bought it and it was fake, old or had no effect. In 2021, I only used it once at the end of the year, a red Mitsubishi and it was also very strong, it made me roll my eyes, chew my face and spread honey on my panties lol, the music got into my skin and made all the hairs on my body stand on end, in 2022 I started using it again in August and it was good again, although not like the first time, and in September my first abuse happened: I had an addicted friend who stayed at our house and put the amount of drugs we wanted and I spent 4 days using MDMA, the pill was a green, squared breaking bad, I use every 6 hours, smoked a lot of marijuana and drank a lot of beer (a big mistake, I know) then the binge was for 3 or 4 days. With risperidone in moderate doses, abstinence from all medications, physical exercise and a good diet, it was a hellish week and I had pain in the right side of my torax when I went to cycle, it was cold when I went to do physical effort and I had a lot of social anxiety and blurred vision, but I went back to sleep a while later and recovered "normality" although my vision was never the same again and the following month October I was on a drug wave which was a green micro star that was sold as mescaline, but you know what it was really bad and I didn't like it, a day later my mother tried to commit suicide and almost managed to end up in 2 different hospitals,fighting for her life and took more than 60 pills, but she did not die, She recovered and returned home 2 months later. The following year I used MDMA again on February 27th, it was a 280mg Dutch banana and I went to the beach, it was very euphoric the fall was administered, 1 month later 1/2 Pablo Escobar 290mg, the trip was unpleasant I felt empathy and agitated but without euphoria, so I decided it was time to go into total abstinence, and I stayed clean and away from all drugs for almost 2 years, but at the end of March 2024 my mother discovered that she had cancer in her kidney, liver and lungs just like that, out of the blue, one beautiful day, an aggressive cancer, we tried everything we could with chemotherapy, radiotherapy and medication, the doctor gave her 6 months but she was very strong and hot and lasted 11 and a half months, and she died on March 2, 2025 END OF HER ILLNESS When she was going from my aunt's house to the Paleactive Care Hospital I fell and was having anxiety attacks every time I used any substance, LSD and marijuana gave me panic attacks, 2 days after she passed away I used half of pill Audi Neon(MDA) 3h later half a pineapple pill(MDA) , on the reddose I felt a strange sensation for 15 minutes and the trip was inside the house with my partner and it was great, the fall messed with my mood a lot but I recovered, I was increasing my hormone blocker and I had less libido and then 2 months later, on May 3rd the collapse would happen.... my partner is a nursing technician and went to serve in copacabana (area rich and noble from RJ) where I would watch a mega show on Lady Gaga's beach. My mood was terrible, I was dissatisfied with life, emotionally ill, and sad about my mother's death, I should have listened to my body's signals but I ignored them and decided to use MDMA again, half a pill, it was green and yellow, I forgot the name, very strong, we separated and walked close to the stage, the drug was very strong when it had an effect, we used up a lot of the effect. Money with lollipops, I couldn't stop squeezing and chewing the lollipops with such euphoria, the trip was good but when we got close to the stage there was no space to move or walk, it was packed with sweaty, drugged people, a lot of noise and it was a very hot and cramped atmosphere, we met and talked to a group of 4 LGBT people and we were Oh, everything started to fall apart, I went from heaven to hell and I started having one panic attack after another, I started to have a huge mental confusion, I felt horny for them but they only wanted the drug I could offer, and since this creates empathy and false connections, I felt part of their group but I started to feel ashamed, confused and inadequate and they distanced themselves from us, so I re-dosed the pill twice and it made everything worse.
So the show was over, it only lasted 2 hours and the subway and buses were out of service, so there was a crowd of disoriented, crowded and drugged people walking from one side to the other without knowing what to do. So 1 hour later we managed to get back by Uber for a very abusive price but I just wanted to get home and escape that hell, that infernal crowd, I got home and took 1mg of risperidone and 1mg of clonazepam to sleep, I sleep for 3h and when I wake up all the hell that we see on this forum begins...
The worst part is chronic insomnia. I didn't sleep for a month. It took me hours to fall asleep. When I did, I woke up scared and anxious and the bed turned into a pool of cold sweat. I've only been able to sleep with the help of benzodiazepines and antipsychotics in high doses since then.
Depersonalization, I no longer feel like myself, I no longer recognize myself, when I think of myself, a blurry and hazy image comes to mind, my tastes and preferences get confused and sometimes I feel like other people, the world outside, on the street, seems like a computer simulation. Random panic attacks, intense depression and anhedonia.
I believe that user lionheart, toast's opinion about trauma and another member's opinion about HPA dysregulation is correct.
It's been a little over a month now and it's definitely better than the first week of following the advice, but the hell seems far from over and I don't recognize myself anymore, it has completely destroyed my personality, I don't recommend anyone to use any type of drug after this experience, everything seems to reactivate the symptoms: marijuana, LSD, stimulants and even caffeine. I just hope this nightmare ends, I just wanted to have some fun, I have social anxiety, I don't leave the house much and I have very low self-esteem and of course for new users, my suggestion is to stop using all drugs, sleep well, have a healthy lifestyle, etc., this road to addiction is slippery, it can take months, a few years or decades, but eventually the ground will give way and you will be in hell, not the Christian hell of fire and brimstone, but a subjective internal chemical hell.

Once again, sorry for my bad english