Hi All,
Posted earlier in this thread and wanted to give those struggling an update. I hate coming back here but I'm 3.5 months (just about) and I am beginning to feel better. It looks pretty gloomy in here so I'm here with a more positive update. Not many people responded to my post earlier, but the two people who I've reached out to since this thing started have gotten me through the roughest times (thanks CloudIX and my LTC friend in Norway that I skype with).
Most of the physical symptoms are gone. I notice my floaters much less most days, but I do see them daily. Whatever visual snow I had seems to be clearing up, or maybe I'm imagining it. Either way, I try not to look at the sky too much and ignore it. They (the floaters) no longer cause me the anxiety it used to. It really is up and down for me, but the intrusive thoughts are changing and mostly for the better. The worst part right now is these weird solipsist thoughts (I'm not sure if they're related to dp/dr, but I'm assuming they are and I try to just cast it off as anxiety) and existential anxiety which makes me uncomfortable, but I am still functional. I work out 4-5 times a week (bjj and lifting, running) and only take fish oil at night and a b-vitamin a couple of times a week. I can sleep through the night without waking up with palpitations (8-9 even 10 hours sometimes). My appetite has returned, but I still only eat whole foods and healthily. I treat myself to something sweet if it's a heavy lifting day (there is joy in chocolate).
I will say that I am improving and am recovering. I still don't know if I'll ever be the same again, but I don't think I'll live under the delusions that I used to before I started doing drugs and such. Things do matter, life is short, we make our own meaning, etc. Some people that post here are religious; I'm not. I even went to this crazy Santeria lady who freaked me the hell out at the beginning and had to do tons of research to get my paranoia about shit that doesn't exist under control. Basically gone through this fucked up shift from being slightly spiritual to pretty much atheist . I feel like this makes LTC more difficult, but hell if I can survive it, so can you. I still want to be a good human, so I guess my emotions are still intact, but my intrusive thoughts generally involve hurting the people I love the most. The mind can be fucked up. Just know that it's anxiety.
In the beginning meditation and CBT got me through the worst of it. Now, they're kind of losing their edge, so I can only guess that it's because I don't really need them anymore or maybe I'm just getting lazy which also indicates recovery. I can confidently say the worst is over. The suicidal aspect is mostly gone and even though sometimes the thoughts of feeling "stuck" or being hyper-emotional about everything are overwhelming, they're still much better than what they used to be. I have a full time job and picked up a second job to keep busy. Even when my anxiety is leading me to the social anxiety/agoraphobic corners of my mind, I force myself to be social and it does help. The main point for me at this point is to no longer fear anything. I have an older friend that has gone through something like this in his early 20s from heavier drug use and he said it takes time, but you can come out of this a better person. The reality rug is pulled out from under you, your hard drive is wiped clean, and now you have to decide what you want to keep and what serves you to get through this shit.
I still fret about bullshit that doesn't make sense long after I've resolved it in my mind. This is a racing/cyclical thought process, I know, but when the anxiety is high it's hard to realize the root cause. If you're flipping shit, take a second. Then another. Then another. Call someone to talk and get the fuck out of your head. Go to work/school and put all your OCD and energy into your work to deal. Some people say less stress works for them, but being idle has always been a problem for me. Video games and exercise are getting me through this shit and just making the time go by.
I'm going to try and stay off this thing until month 6 and update progress then. I'm ready to deal with this shit for a year before seeking RX meds and I think that it's helping my recovery. I can't really drink, but it's not really big deal. Topo chico and mocktails until I feel like I can handle it. Keep your heads up, I got to get back to work. Take care.
