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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 4)

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Hey guys/girls

sorry for this, I try not to get negative I really do, but does anyone honestly think they are going to get back to what they consider 'Normal'? Because I don't. I'm sat here with light visual snow, I can see everything almost as clear as I used to but it's annoying non the less, slight afterimages, ghosting images, starbursts, halos etc. Just how is this going to get better? How? Obviously I've tripped, damaged, changed, something in my brain that shouldn't be changed. Just how can it fix itself? I just can't see it happening personally.

I desperately search for accounts where people have recovered from HPPD but there isn't really a concrete examples. I really don't buy the whole, 'people are getting on with their lives, so they have no reason to log back in'. I think that's a load of BS, if I recovered or got back to at least 80% of normality, I'd owe it to the people of this board to tell them that it is possible. So I just don't believe that a former sufferer would ignore their fellow community.

I say all this yet I am showing spouts of recovery myself, I am much more stable, mentally a physically, I've regained my appitite, my willingness to do tasks and activities. My headaches are a little better. I'm no longer sensitive to bright lights. Things are starting to look a little more normal. When I walk, things don't bounce around as much as they used to. Yet I find my self so unsatisfied with my progress and recovery. I desperately want to be normal again.

Drugs have ruined my life and I've barley did them. I smoker weed a few times a year, like four or five joints max, all spread out. And you know what? I hated everyone of them. I got really anxious when high and it made my paranoid for weeks after. Why did I continue doing it?!? I used to pray that my friends wouldn't message me, asking me to smoke a joint. I even lied so I wouldn't have to go to events or binges. Yet I continued.

Sorry im just ranting and have no one to talk too about it. I hope you are all well.
 
HPPDOFF said:
Hey guys/girls

sorry for this, I try not to get negative I really do, but does anyone honestly think they are going to get back to what they consider 'Normal'? Because I don't. I'm sat here with light visual snow, I can see everything almost as clear as I used to but it's annoying non the less, slight afterimages, ghosting images, starbursts, halos etc. Just how is this going to get better? How? Obviously I've tripped, damaged, changed, something in my brain that shouldn't be changed. Just how can it fix itself? I just can't see it happening personally.

I desperately search for accounts where people have recovered from HPPD but there isn't really a concrete examples. I really don't buy the whole, 'people are getting on with their lives, so they have no reason to log back in'. I think that's a load of BS, if I recovered or got back to at least 80% of normality, I'd owe it to the people of this board to tell them that it is possible. So I just don't believe that a former sufferer would ignore their fellow community.

I say all this yet I am showing spouts of recovery myself, I am much more stable, mentally a physically, I've regained my appitite, my willingness to do tasks and activities. My headaches are a little better. I'm no longer sensitive to bright lights. Things are starting to look a little more normal. When I walk, things don't bounce around as much as they used to. Yet I find my self so unsatisfied with my progress and recovery. I desperately want to be normal again.

Drugs have ruined my life and I've barley did them. I smoker weed a few times a year, like four or five joints max, all spread out. And you know what? I hated everyone of them. I got really anxious when high and it made my paranoid for weeks after. Why did I continue doing it?!? I used to pray that my friends wouldn't message me, asking me to smoke a joint. I even lied so I wouldn't have to go to events or binges. Yet I continued.

Sorry im just ranting and have no one to talk too about it. I hope you are all well.
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I'm not sure if it helps you because I didn't had HPPD, but really bad depression, it exactly felt like I somewhere read "a frozen heart", which was actually from an article about former MDMA users. In the first 8-10 months I thought this would never get better, but it did, and now I am close to a full recovery and I hope this will happen. Even if it would take years from now, I'm in a state where I can live again.
Mostly I thank this to SSRI's, but they seem to make everything worse with HPPD.
Your story really sounds to me like you are going to get normal again, because you stabilized mentally and physically. That was actually the point that I didn't reach without medication, some few months longer in this state and I would just have been starved or freezed to death outside because I didn't have any motivation to do something. My respect for that!

Idk if the HPPD symptoms will 100% go away, I hope it but I'm not sure about that, but when you recover some more you will be able to enjoy such things as going out or smoking a bit of weed again, I can say this for sure.
 
I think a lot of people get to like 70 or 80 percent and just move on with their life and then they forget completely about blue light and it's 10 years later and they are 90 percent and then they have long forgotten about people on here. The vision thing though, is definitely something I cant figure out.
 
I make the case that HPPD is a long term issue but does improve significantly for the vast majority of people.

As I recall, a psychiatric center did follow ups with patients who were admitted who had HPPD and what they found was that it really just took a couple of years. The vast majority of people reported significant improvement or remittance at the 5 year mark. I share that experience myself, although not remitted, significantly improved. Treatment with medications certainly could have helped in some cases.

SSRIs and antipsychotics tend to make HPPD worse at first but there is a typically gradual improvement with time. Lamotrigine has seen success in treating HPPD and is also used to great effect in bipolar-depression - in one case report, the remittance of HPPD with lamotrigine was rapid.


I personally think not coming on to the internet and googling/bluelighting/searching for answers may help some people, but what fills that void is going to be important.
 
So I saw a new therapist recently and when I asked about curing the symptoms they said "You cannot cure depression or anxiety you can only manage it and that's what we will work on" I got extremely discouraged. Felt worse after the session than I did before the session. I don't think I will be going back and will cancel the next one. Don't think its going to work out with that philosophy. I'm so frustrated after that appointment. Why do they say these kinds of things in the first place?

Why do they think it cannot be cured? And when they say this wtf are they even talking about and is it at all even relevant to an LTC? Even if they mean something else I just cannot take that kind of outlook so maybe they just aren't a good fit. And I don't believe them.
 
In my experience, psychologists are sometimes odd. Sometimes unwaveringly caring and understanding, other times mental healthcare professionals seem to have some serious compassion/empathy burn-out. I wouldn't be surprised if burn-out is a contributing factor as to why some of the recovered LTC sufferers don't still post and help others more here.

Anyways CBT/talk therapy is great to try, but I would find somebody else. Sounds like they have a pretty fatalist attitude or are just splitting hairs/talking semantics (100% symptom reduction = cure vs. 95% symptom reduction = managing) but either way getting off on the wrong foot might just put you into a funk when it comes time for future sessions..
 
Am I the only one who doesn't have anxiety from this?

For me it's mostly anhedonia, DP/DR and void. I almost wish I could feel anxious then at least I'd be feeling something, *anything*.

What's the anxiety like - is it an actual nervous 'feeling', , ,'a state of premonition/apprehension' or both? OR is it meant vaguely as a general condition of chronic worry?
 
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my anxiety problem that i got from MDMA is by far the biggest fight of my life right now, most of the other symptoms are gone or rarely there. anxiety makes everyday things hard to do because you get scared, nausea or a heartrate of 120+, atleast thats how my anxiety works. my way of beating it is just to give a f**k and just do all the things i wanna do like going to a concert alone or going to a big party and drink alcohol, i've only done mdma 1 time after my LTC and that was like 4months in or something.

*stay drugfree* - hL
 
So anxiety ca be a thing in itself. For me it's so hard to give a shit about the regular worldly affairs and just as hard to care about my own 'passions' and even loved ones. If I get anxious at all it's that I'm anxious that I might just give up on something that forms my life's infrastructure. I'm even apathetic about the apathy. I mean, what can I do about it anyway. Either my brain will recover or it won't.

I guess my coping mechanism is the same as yours though; balls to the wall doing it all anyway...I actually did go to a concert on my own but like everything was extremely tedious and exhausting. I find even not doing things exhausting so I figure I may as well do stuff anyway.

Will it ever end.

Edit 08/01/17

I've decided I'm going to try SSRI treatment commencing Tuesday. It's been a whole year and while I'm a lot better, I'm still far from 'normal'. If it were up to me, I'd just keep on getting by like this but it's causing far too many problems in my personal life and can't let it continue to control my life any more.
 
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I think Another reason why people don't come back is that this thing will forever alter the way you think about the world. I am "functioning" and recovering but I can sort of tell that I'll never be the same as I was. Maybe I'll be "normal" but definitely not the same person that I was before this. To achieve that I think your recovery needs to be Pretty short .
 
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I experienced that I totally forgot for a while how bad I felt before when it got better, maybe that's a point too.

And it definetly changes you, it's something like PTSD, you feel good again but still different as you did before, even if your brain has recovered fully.
 
I'm not really sure tbh I don't like thinking that way since my goal is to return to the same as before. I think its possible.
 
Didn't say that but it's a traumatic experience somehow and needs to be overcomed. Know this from myself, it takes some time when you got really better to overcome this story. Hope in a few years I can think back without getting the feeling to fall back.
 
Being a downer again. But I don't think it's possible, especially for something who thinks like I do, to get back to normal. In my case my whole visual field has been changed. This has been the single most traumatic experience in my life. Im a completely different person. My whole outlook on life has changed, For the first time in my life I'm scared for the future, every task is so daunting it doesn't matter how small or big they are. For example, before this I was an absolute clean freak, now I'm living in filth. Everything is so strange and it gives me anxiety. I just can't see anything changing. Even if I do recover, this is always going to haunt me, everyday I'm going to worry, will it get better or worse . Everything I eat I will analyse, will this coffee set off my DP/DR, visual. Problems etc. This is my life now. I'll have to accept my self inflicted limitations. Thinking to myself 'I caused this'
I don't even like raves. I hate the music, I hate dancing, I hate clubbing, I didn't even know the people I went with properly, I've given my life away. What a sham my life is. I'll give my self 2years maybe less
 
socrilus said:
I'm not really sure tbh I don't like thinking that way since my goal is to return to the same as before. I think its possible.
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Well you will not return to the state you were before, you will go to a better state than you were before. You may want to think on a broader scale. And also in my opinion do not be concerned with the bullshit that psychologists tell you because they are just trying to be honest with you as they themselves do not have a clear idea on how their treatment helps people.
 
Yeah my brain may recover some day but I'll never be the same....I'll forever be getting anxiety about sleeping even if it does get back to relatively normal.
 
Well here is one thing to consider for people concerned about returning to a previous state of normality.

We have all seen that there have been a lot of recovery stories by people of this forum over the last couple of years. A lot of them state that they are forever changed but in a good way. I.E they have new and different perspectives on life, they now live a healthy life-style, they realise the important things etc
 
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