Ok, so I am finally (thanks to my own stupidity) going to end up posting here.
For the past two years, I've rolled 19 times and while doing so consumed appr. 30 pills, mostly MDMA, probably a lot of adulterants too. Usually there has been at least a month in between rolls, but I have rolled once back-to-back nights and three times in a week during a festival. During that time I have been an on and off daily cannabis smoker, which has caused a lot of anxiety and depression during the weeks after quitting daily smoking. It obviously has also induced some short term memory problems and cognitive impairment, but I've thought that it's only temporary and should go away after being absent long enough from smoking. Usually these effects have gone away after waiting for a month at max, sometimes faster than that.
Any how, for the past few months I have constantly felt shitty in general, and for the first time of my life, also a bit stupid and slow. I sometimes forget what I was saying, forget what I was doing in just a few seconds, cannot concentrate to even the most simple tasks and might even start doing something totally different than I was over and over again and end up finishing none of those tasks. I also have some extremely paranoid and stupid thoughts from thinking that everyone hates me to fearing I have some sort of serious medical condition. Due to my total ignorance of the long term negative effects of MDMA (because I pretty much am fucking in love with the substance) I really have not considered this to be due to my past MDMA use and only dismissed it as being temporary and caused by my cannabis withdrawal phase (I'm exactly one month off from smoking atm.)
But the more I read the less I can lie to myself and have come into conclusion that this is mainly caused by my MDMA (ab)use. Usually after a month the negative effects of cannabis withdrawal have gone away or drained significantly, but now it seems not to get that much better, if at all. I haven't rolled in little over two months and after the last roll I had major anxiety and even panic attacks that I (foolishly) considered to be results of cannabis. This year in total I've rolled thrice, the first time being new years day and second about two month after that. So it has not been induced by accelerating number of rolls or anything like that, because I've significantly reduced my usage after the magic seemed to diminish last fall.
I did have - during one of my first rolls - a major short term come down after I consumed 2,5 very strong pills in four different doses. After that I've had involuntary muscle spasms mainly in my legs during rest, but also in other parts of my body. This is about 1,5 years ago and it has not hindered in any way. As the most stupid thing I've probably done in my easy life I did not think this as a warning sign and simply thought that it's ok, since I didn't notice any other adverse effects. Now I strongly believe it to be due to brain damage, most likely irreversible one. The only other time I had a real comedown was after the stupid three rolls in a week binge, about a year ago. I also happened to have the weed comedown at the same time, which drove me into extreme depression and paranoia. It went away in about two months, although I did roll (with a mild dose) about two month after it. Other than these instances, I have not felt any adverse effects immediately after any of my rolls.
So, now due to my past experiences I'm not that worried about my anxiety and depression/paranoia going away. I'm pretty confident it will, eventually, in a reasonable time. What I AM worried about is the cognitive side of this. I've read a number of studies that suggest the cognitive and memory impairment is permanent, and that I will never be the intelligent and quick thinking guy I used to be. This alone induces a lot of anxiety, and makes me really afraid of thinking I will never achieve all the things I wanted from life. I've always been really good in anything that requires memory and cognitive abilities, and now I feel I've lost it.
Also, since I am a lazy, impulsive person and lack self-discipline, I cannot with serious face say that I'm not going to use drugs anymore. Cannabis is something that clearly is not suitable for me and I've decided to quit it for good, and MDMA with it semi loss of magic is not worth the adverse effects, so no more molly for me at least for a long time. But since I've found that cocaine is pretty good substitute with a lot less neurotoxic effects, I've used it to go to raves and have fun with my drugged friends, since I really do not feel I could just drop out of that scene and all the fun we are having totally.
So, after this incoherent and badly written post (English is not my native tongue as you've probably noticed :D ), I'd like to thank for the patience for reading this long and ask from you fellow bluelighters that might have had similar experiences:
1) Have you noticed significant improvements in your cognitive functioning and memory, and if so, how thorough has the recovery been, how did you (ab)use the drug and how long did the recovery take?
2) On a scale 'stupid' to 'you are an hopeless etard', how stupid using cocaine approx. once every 6-8 weeks while going to raves is, and how much will it diminish the progress of the potential recovery?
3) Have you had muscle twitching long after a binge and if so, has it stopped at some point even if it did go year(s) after it started?
4) Did you change your lifestyle toward a more healthy one from eating totally crap food and not doing virtually any exercise and if so, how did you manage to motivate your self? I'd be so happy to be the same I was before my MDMA use but still it feels like a mountain I can't climb to even think seriously changing my diet and starting to exercise, even when we're talking shit this serious.
I really feel I'd have been able to write a post much much more coherent two years ago and it really felt like crap to see all the errors I made writing in English, thank god there is a text correcter :D But I want to thank everyone here who have shared their experiences and specially those who read all this and even are bothering to answer! Wish all the very best in recovering from this love-to-hate-hate-to-love-drug!
