Hi guys,
I hope that some of the more experienced guys on here might be able to dismiss my fears, because I managed to severely freak myself out by reading some of the threads on here.
So here goes my story. I took MDMA 5 times this year, though I feel that the last two times are the ones where shit started getting more serious. In early May I rolled twice in a week, with one tablet on tuesday, and 1 and three quarters the following friday. The next roll was about six weeks after, on July 17th. I took three quarters of a tablet. I probably hadn't been feeling too good before this trip, because I remember some bullshit thoughts about this being a "healing experience" to unlock some sort of outgoing personality lying within me which I had discovered and lost. I was also smoking weed several times per week to daily during this time, which might explain why such hazy and dangerous thoughts made sense to me. Well, the trip was not really enjoyable with only a bit of euphoria which quickly vanished to be replaced by overanalyzing thoughts. I remember writing a note to myself which said "you are high, enjoy it". (obviously I didn't) In the same evening (or possibly still within the trip) I told myself that I had to stop smoking weed and fill my life with more real things. The weekend following the trip, which was on a wednesday I experienced classic symptoms of serotonine symptome: stomach cramps, headaches and irritability, like the flu. When I was with people I could not really participate in conversation , because my anxiety was so bad I could not at all think of anything to say. I had to study for exams soon after, but it was hard for me to read or comprehend any text from Uni. At the time I thought it might be all the weed causing it, so I stopped smoking. I also had no appetite, it took me ages to eat anything and it made me nauseous. Soon after I stopped smoking, after reducing the frequency first. Due to the severe lack of concentration I could not take any exam In July, besides one. I remember that the anxiety being so bad that I had to lie down, because nothing could distract me, I was so "locked" in. Usually in the evening I felt better and I felt "not everything is gone, It is just behind blocked by this feeling". This always gave me hope and made me continue. I retook the exams in August, and I passed all of them, to my great relief. But I still feel anxious a lot of the time, and I still feel that thinking is hard when I'm on my own. I used to talk for long stretches without stopping, but now I feel that that ability is reduced. I am now nearing the 3 and a half month mark, I think I have improved, but I am still waiting for a more significant sign. I still feel like I am seperated by a wall from my old personality, and brain fog is still really uncomfortable. I think it is not that I am not forming memories, it is like I am unable to really access them. I sometimes fear that the improvements might be due to me stopping smoking weed, and that the real recovery has progressed far less than I myself think.
Any thoughts, questions, ideas, comments?
Cheers
